JoeRockStar

My wife's mom passed away one year ago this coming Friday. My wife is already dreading the day and I fear she's going to spiral further into depression or try to self medicate her way out of it.

I spent some time gently discussing "moving on" with her this past weekend. We talked about the tradition in other cultures of mourning for one year, then moving on. We also talked about how much her mom would despise her falling into a depression over it and that seemed to help.

Any advice on how to help her through this? My band has a show on Friday night and all our friends will be coming out to see us so she'll have plenty of company. Many of them knew her mom well and know how close they were so hopefully they'll provide some comfort.

As some of you know, I'm trying very hard to break the nice guy cycle of coddling her, but this is obviously an area that requires sympathy. Thanks guys.

Mavash.

My MIL passed away yesterday. I know better than to try to help him through it. It's his grief and if he gets depressed I can't nor should I try to stop it.

I'm here for him, will let him cry on my shoulder and will support. His feelings are his own and he's entitled to all of them including being depressed. I won't try to talk him out of any of his feelings. He's a grown man and I have faith that he will be just fine. I'm aware that fathers day from here on out will be a depressing time for him. And that's okay I will love him anyway.

JoeRockStar

Oh no, very sorry to hear about your MIL Mavash!

Ree

My grandmother died a little over a year after my husband and I were married and I took it extremely hard..She pretty much raised me and was my rock for most of my life so I felt like I lost the only true mother I had ever had..I was also her oldest grandchild so we were especially close..In fact when we went to her funeral 2 of my aunts had even approached my husband to ask him if I'd be able to handle being there..Long story short I was extremely depressed for the better part of 2yr.s..While my husband would from time to time talk to me about going to counseling I insisted that I simply needed more time..He was fine with that and pretty much stuck to the role of being the supportive husband especially on my really down days..Well it'll be 9yr.s this July and while I still cry every year when the anniversary roles around I'm able to handle it now..All I really needed was time..Everyone grieves in their own way and for their own amount of time and unless it's really causing a problem to function during everyday life sometimes it's best to just let the person grieve for as long as they need to..What might work for one person it may not work for another and there's no laws to the time allowed..Cultures or not grieving and loss are hard emotions to deal with and regardless of what traditions dictate or what others may see as an appropriate length of time we can't dictate what might be right for someone else..So my advice would be to just support her through her grieving process and if it's making a significant negative impact on her daily life perhaps ask her how she feels about talking to a grief counsler.

TheMarriageandFamilyClini

Hey Joe,

So sorry to hear about your MIL and the hard time your wife is having with it. As a therapist for The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO I have to say I have seen a lot of couples where one of the spouses has depression for any number of reasons (including grief). It's great to be there for your spouse as it seems like you are. As for your question about what you can do to help her grieve, probably the best thing you can do is to let her figure it out on her own. Be a husband to her by asking her to go places with you, do things with you, requesting her to pull her weight around the house, etc. Once she realizes that her grieving is getting in the way of her life she will want to change it for herself. In the mean time it seems that you are the one really pushing for it and whatever info you are giving her (which sounds like it's really good) will not be truly appreciated until she looks for it on her own volition. Hope this helps.

__________________
Aaron I Anderson, M.S.
www.blog.themarriageandfamilyclinic.com

lamaga

Mavash, I'm so sorry!

Joe, good for you for stepping up -- obviously, this is not the time to be withdrawing. I hope she makes it through okay.

Mavash.

Thanks. The funeral was Saturday and we just got back yesterday. It was sadder than I thought it would be but so far my husband is okay.

One more thing on this topic. There is no limit on mourning. So that one year thing isn't right. I see with my own husband he will mourn the loss of his mother for years to come. He however isn't depressed and will get on with his life. Unless her grief affects her day to day activities I'd let it go.

So far all I've done is just be there for my husband. I've supported and offered to help in any way I can but again I'm not trying to talk him out of anything. This is on him and has nothing to do with me.

JoeRockStar

My thoughts are with you and your husband Mavash.

Back to my situation...that's the issue, it DOES affect her day to day activities, she basically does NOTHING all day long. She doesn't work and doesn't do anything around the house. It's awful and I couldn't imagine living like that.

She's has been blaming a lot of her current depression on her mother's passing. Before that it was her mother's cancer. Before that it was my son's autism. Before that it was her brother's suicide. See why I had to trump up this one year milestone? If I let it go, I'm doing her a disservice by enabling her.

I lost my dad about 6 years ago and still miss him dearly every single day but I dealt with it and it has never prevented me from working or doing anything else in life.