Quote:
Originally Posted by lickitesplit  Bipolar wife's tantrums and blame taking a toll |
Lick, most behaviors you describe -- e.g., the blame-shifting, always being "The Victim," verbal and physical abuse, temper tantrums, sense of entitlement, and strong need for frequent validation -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) -- not bipolar disorder.
I therefore agree with Conrad (5/30 post) that you seem to be describing traits of a PD. Indeed, except for "bipolar" appearing in the title of your last thread, I've never seen you mention the term in any of your posts. I caution that having strong traits of a PD does not imply a person has the full-blown disorder. Only a professional can make that determination. It nonetheless is not difficult to spot the red flags, i.e., the strong traits if they are present.
I am not a psychologist but I did live with a BPDer exW for 15 years and I've taken care of a bipolar foster son for longer than that. Moreover, I took both of them to a long series of psychologists for 15 years. Based on those experiences, I have found many clear differences between the two disorders.
One difference is that the mood swings are on two separate spectra having very different polar extremes. Whereas a bipolar sufferer swings between
mania and
depression, a BPDer flips back and forth between
loving you and
hating you. Significantly, you speak a lot about her harsh criticisms and temper tantrums against you but you mention nothing about mania.
A second difference is seen in the frequency of mood changes. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days. The latter therefore seems consistent with your description of numerous temper tantrums. (Although hyper rapid cycling can occur in some bipolar sufferers, it is very rare.)
A third difference is seen in duration. Whereas bipolar moods typically last a week or two, BPD rages typically last only a few hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours). Again, these short-duration rages seem consistent with with the tantrums you describe.
A fourth difference is seen in the speed with which the mood change develops. Whereas a bipolar change typically will build slowly over two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action. Significantly, the behavior you describe is consistent with these event-triggered outbursts.
A fifth difference is that, whereas bipolar can be treated very successfully in at least 80% of victims by swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be managed by medication because it arises from childhood damage to the emotional core -- not from a change in body chemistry. Indeed, bipolar sufferers typically have good childhoods because the mood swings usually do not start occurring until the late teens. In contrast, 70% of BPDers report that they were abused or abandoned in childhood. And the type of abuse most strongly associated with BPD is childhood sexual abuse, which your W experienced.
A sixth difference is that, whereas bipolar disorder can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. That difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPDer can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly. This seems consistent with your description of very hateful, spiteful behavior in which she is throwing things, scratching you, and physically hitting you.
A seventh difference is that, whereas a bipolar sufferer is not usually angry, a BPDer is filled with anger that has been carried inside since early childhood. You don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to say or do some minor thing to TRIGGER a sudden release of the anger that is already there -- which seems consistent with your description.
An eight difference is that a bipolar sufferer typically is capable of tolerating intimacy when he is not experiencing strong mania or depression. In contrast, BPDers have such a weak and unstable self image that (except for the brief infatuation period) they cannot tolerate intimacy for long before feeling engulfed and suffocated by your personality.
BPDers therefore will create arguments over nothing as a way to push you away and give them breathing room. Hence, it is not surprising that they tend to create the very worst arguments immediately following the very best of times, i.e., right after an intimate evening or a great weekend spent together.
Finally, a ninth difference is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if he or she knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust for an extended period. Before they can trust others, they must first learn how to trust and love themselves.
Lick, if you would like to read more about BPD traits, I suggest you take a look at my posts in Maybe's thread at
My list of hell!. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Keep in mind that your W could have both disorders. A recent study (pub. 2008) found that about half of the people suffering from bipolar-I disorder also suffer from full blown BPD. Take care, Lick.
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