lickitesplit

These other posts may help give a background of my story;

I'm tired Boss, just so tired.

At what point does the wife become the abuser?

So at what point am I allowed to say enough is enough? I no longer want to take responsibility or ownership of her mental difficiencies which have been part of the cause of my own anger over 14 years. Is it wrong morally or otherwise for me to want to separate and salvage some of my life so I can be a better dad to my children?

The past 7 months have been the worst of my life, outside of my parents passing away. I've lost two jobs because I'm told I'm not carrying my weight or not being prepared. This is very unlike me. In the past month, one of our cars have died and the other required over $1000 in repairs.

This past weekend my wife decides to have a nervous breakdown in the middle of one of her temper tantrums.

I'm in the worst predicament ever. I don't know what to do. I want to get as far away from her as possible. I have to find a job. I have to get my car repaired so I can bring in an income. I'm already tapped out financially and now all this? When will it stop?

thunderstruck

lick - first, my sympathy. I can relate to a LOT of what you wrote. You are in a very bad situation, and I commend you for sticking it out this long. When can you say enough is enough? Whenever you damn choose to say that, but you need to do some work before making your move. Go see a lawyer to learn your rights, and get smart on child custody laws in your state.

Now, I'm going to have to get on you a bit. I looked at your other threads. Too much "she, she, she..." Where's the part where you write about the work you're doing on you? I just read through Codependent No More and a lot of it hit home. You might want to check it out. You sound FN shellshocked and codependent, with good reason. You need to get yourself strong for the sake of those kids.

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Instant karma's gonna get you. -Lennon

Drover

Is she actually diagnosed with bipolar disorder? Your original post sounds like it almost could have been written about my wife. Part of the reason I didn't find a job outside the home for several years was that I was afraid nothing would get done, kids taken care of, etc if I did. And I was a classic "nice guy" afraid of my wife's anger.

It turns out she was, in fact, bipolar and was recently diagnosed after a severe manic episode with psychosis. She's now in treatment and I'm making changes for myself after reading Athol Kay and Rober Glover's books.

I told her finally I'll be here to help her for the rest of my life, but I will not allow her to abuse me anymore and I will not let my children go through bipolar episode after bipolar episode if she won't stay on treatment. Her choice.

You can't make her do anything. All you can do is what's best for you and hope she sees you and the kids as worth helping herself for.

lickitesplit

Thunder - I hear you. Believe me I know where I have gone wrong in all this. WE wouldn't be in this position if it weren't for ME going wrong from the beginning. I am angry partly because I allowed myself to become involved in the first place. I tried the best I could to explain my position without the posts being extremely long. My faults are in I don't react to dealing with someone's mental issues very well. It's not something I want to do. I know - she is my wife, I selected her. However, I was totally unaware of her mental issues before we were married. It's something that was kept secret from me until it was too late.

I am codependent to Drover's point where I feel nothing will get done in my absence. I do not work from home, therefore her presence is needed to take care of the kids. I simply don't make enough to support a family of four and pay for day care. And she can't stay "up" long enough to keep a job of any kind.

Drover's answer is helpful. The problem is I don't think I love her enough to stick it out and help. She has been such an emotional anchor over time, I feel my own efforts of being a "partner" have been abused. Her sense of entitlement drags me down and I allow it.

Cee Paul

You are not alone in all of this because my ex was bi-polar/manic depressive and I put up with a lot of weird stuff and kept straddling the fence on leaving her, but then once things got to a point where she began hitting and striking me I knew then that it was.........OVER! And I have never hit a woman and I am a huuuuge advocate against that so it left me defensless in those moments and situations, so I began just cursing her out and then up and leaving each time and got tired of having to do that!

Drover

licketesplit, Go read Nor More Mr. Nice Guy and The Married Man Sex Life Primer. They'll teach you to stop enabling her crap and focus on yourself.

lickitesplit

She has become increasingly physical with me as well. She used to just throw things or break things around the house. I have scars all over my arms from the scratches I have taken from her over the years. She now leashes out at my face and neck.

It's a double edge sword. She has me where she wants me though because I screwed up and grabbed her around the throat once in the heat of the moment and she had me arrested. This was soon after we were married. I took my medicine and thought we would be able to move on past that. But oh no. She uses that one instance against me whenever she chooses and actually uses it to provoke further physical contact with me.

So with that out there, I know I'm screwed when it comes to divorce court. I know I'm screwed when it comes to financial support. I know I'm screwed when it comes to child custody or support. She has one documented case of domestic violence against me and I have a life of undocumented hell to deal with in return.

CallaLily

Its sad if you already have yourself pegged as not being able to do anything all. You're not to blame for her condition, I'm sure you are aware of that. You're also not responsible for continuing to stay in that situation, just because she has a mental illness. I just read not long ago about that very thing. So many people stay with a mentally ill partner because they think they should. There is a lot of guilt there over it all. Once you realize you need to take care of you for a change, and that if you ever truly become tired of it all and understand you deserve a happy healthy life even if it means being with that other person, then and only then will you know when to move on.

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thunderstruck

Call 911 the next time she leaves a mark.

You think you're stuck, but you aren't. My sitch isn't all that great either, but you need to get out. I'd go live in a men's shelter before putting up with that crap on a regular basis.

My W has "punched" me a few times in the arms/chest. She usually first blocks my exit, so I somewhat have to take it (I won't put my hands on her). She hits/pushes like a little gnat (I outweigh her by 70 lbs), so I'm not too worried about that. Still...it's beyond F**ked up and unacceptable to live like this.

__________________
Instant karma's gonna get you. -Lennon

Runs like Dog

If you were dealing with a medical condition like MS or spinal damage or cancer would you blame yourself? Real mental illness is real. It's a real thing. You can see it on an MRI. There is something chemically, neurologically or structurally different with that person.

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fight back

lickitesplit

A review of "No More Mr Nice Guy" from Amazon.

"Around 50%+ of marriages end in divorce and usually the mother has primary custody. This places the boy in a subservient position to women and minimizes the father's influence. The mother has a profound influence in upbringing of the boy. Mothers teach their daughters to be more independent and teach their sons to be "nice boys" - dependent on women's approval. During the formative years (0-5 years), most of the boy's school teachers are women, so they learn to be subservient to women. The boy must be nice to gain the teacher's approval and earn good grades. In essence, most of the boy's power figures are women and he must be nice to win their approval. Nice guys learn that their needs are not important or having needs contrary to the women's needs is bad, so they try to please others and become miserable in the process. They become wimps, doormats, nice guys - whatever to avoid conflict in relationships and try to make their women happy."

I'll be damned. This describes me to a T. The result however is that over time in my relationships and carrying over into my marriage, I transformed into a selfish prick. It's just very unfortunate that I got matched up with THE woman I that I did. Try combining a "pleaser" with someone who in contrast, was brought up in an environment of entitlement.

trey69

Abuse of any kind is never acceptable. Sometimes people will continue to hurt others because that person is allowing it to continue. Boundaries need to be set, and if she continues to cross them, you need to figure out the next step.

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"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."

Cee Paul

Leaving my bi-polar ex was the best and smartest decision I have ever made & don't miss her one bit now.

lickitesplit

Did you have any complicating circumstances like children, single income family, or anything that would have made your decision more difficult?

Cee Paul

She had two kids from a previous marriage that were not mine, and we were only together for like 3 years and had no real ties to speak of. She just kept convincing me over and over and over that everything was going to get better and change, and she usually coupled that with wild sex and food to get my attention and plead her case(and she was great in bed and great in the kitchen).