RT50

I feel like my husband is going through something, but I don't know what exactly because he won't seek couseling. From what I've been reading online I feel it's one of these three things.

But, if that were so wouldn't he have been showing signs earlier on in our marriage or was I just not seeing them? Can you develop these things later in life? I just don't understand what's happening with him/us.

Thank you.

thunderstruck

My W has severe depression/anxiety. It runs in her family. But, I think for the most part I didn't see if for the first 8 or so years of our marriage (no kids at that point). Then, it slowly developed over the next 10+ years, right around the time we started having kids.

So, I think the answer is yes, these things can start to appear later in life.

__________________
Instant karma's gonna get you. -Lennon

RT50

Thank you. Our 13 marriage (no kids) is hanging on my a sliver of a thread. I did tell my husband that we're done and it does make me sad. I have also pleaded with him for us to seek counseling. He basically has said he hates me, doesn't want to have anything to do with me. On the other hand he's verbally and emotionally abusive. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. He went as far as to calling my family yesterday to tell him that our marriage is over. What grown, mature man does that?? He said they have to know what's going on. Shouldn't that be on my terms, not his?

thunderstruck

I'm sorry. I'm pro-marriage, but he is making it impossible. You need to protect yourself from physical harm. Also, you don't need to stand there and get verbally abused. Don't argue round and round, and try to walk away when he starts up. This is what I have to do at time when my W rages, but obviously it's much more scary in your case.

Although he's not acting like it, he's a grown man, so you can't force him to get pro help. I know...I've tried.

__________________
Instant karma's gonna get you. -Lennon

RT50

Thanks. I actually have another thread going on the "considering divorce" forum. It's very, very hard walking away. But, I know what's happening is not healthy at all. We've had some really happy times together. I just don't know when things went bad. He has huge issues with his family; I'm very close to my family. I wish I could just fix things.

I tried to talk to him openly about BPD, to at least see if that's what is going on with him. But, he got very angry at me and said that there's something wrong with me. Obviously, there is if I'm still hanging on.

thunderstruck

Again, sorry. Are these new/big issues popping up with his family? Seems odd that he would turn dark so quickly. Could there be another woman?

One of the first things I learned about BPD (I looked into it due to my W's behavior) is that you don't tell one that you suspect they are BPD. They typically get angry, and point the finger back at you...kind of like you saw. Could you maybe just give him lots of space for a while, don't engage in arguments, and hope that he pulls himself out of whatever has come over him?

__________________
Instant karma's gonna get you. -Lennon

RT50

No, he has major issues with his family going all the way back to his childhood. He has told me that he hates me and he hates women. He even brings up issues from our past over 10 years ago that I thought had been resolved! It's maddening. This darkness has been around for a while, but it's getting progressively worse. He's definitely paranoid and doesn't trust anyone. I'm 100% positive there's no other woman.

When I got home from work yesterday he was not home and he didn't get home until after I went to bed. I have no idea where he was. This morning I was on the computer, he came in, kissed me on the head, and left. We have not spoken besides him telling me he doesn't want to have anything to do with me.

He's getting a lot of space from me.

RT50

OMG...sorry to keep adding to this. He just called me at work. Now he's sounding very business like, but normal if that makes sense. I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind.

RT50

Update: We had a huge breakthrough last night. DH finally confided in me about what's been going on. It was a very emotional night. He has a history of childhood abuse/neglect. We can finally get the help that he needs. Although, I wish he had trusted me with this information sooner, I'm happy that he can slowly begin to heal. I knew it was something. Thank you for all of your support!