lostandinlove

My current boyfriend and I have been living together for 6 months. We both are separated parents, dealing with custody issues in court. Mine is nearing closure, however his, being a father, is only just heating up and it is taking a toll on him

Both my BF and I suffer from and are being treated for depression, me for almost 3 years (the length since I got separated) and him for about a year and a half (same thing...separation). We have both been very understanding and supportive of each other, and we seem to have a very good friendship as well as love for each other.

unfortunately, he has been spiralling downward and withdrawing. I have tried to be supportive, encourage him to see his doctor, focus on things that make him happy. I have booked and appointment for myself, as this situation has affected me deeply and I am feeling a lot more depressed and sad.

However he announced on Friday, that he feels he needs to be on his own to get the space he needs. He insists that he wants us to remain BF/GF and still continue the relationship, but that he feels his depression is having a toll on me, and my daughter (who is 6 and with us half the time). He is making plans to move out in 2 months, which means I will have to move too.

I admit I feel left out of the decision, and a little betrayed, but I understand that his thinking may not be so rational and that he believes what he is doing is best for all of us. He says he wants to remain living on his own, that we cannot live together again, as he does not want to hurt anyone else.

So I really would like to know your opinion on this. I am not naive, I am open to a "reality check" and I know that there are huge odds here. I just want to know if this is a normal thought process, decision for someone who is depressed. Could he really think this is the solution, and is it likely to help? I understand a separation of living places for a time, to sort things out, but permanent? How do I support him without becoming an enabler or losing myself?

thanks.

Blanca

It doesn't sound like an irrational decision to me. I'm sure he's just overwhelmed and needs a little space. But since he told you that he never wants to live together again you might want to reevaluate if he is someone you want to be with.

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

lostandinlove

Thanks Blanca!

Yes, i definitely want to be with him. After I was separated I waited a year and a half and healed myself before I began dating. I did that for almost 9 months before I met this man, and I continued dating a couple more times until I knew I wanted to try a relationship with him.

We talked last night quite openly and though he is quite sure he wants to live alone for "the rest of his life" he acknowledged that his decisions and behaviour are very much related to his depression. He did make sure to communicate that he wishes to continue a full relationship with me, be in all parts of my life, my daughter's life and I in his, and his daughter's.

I'm trying to accept this new "plan" and the loss of the future we has both looked forward to. I know of several long-term couples that live seperately, and I don't see it as a bad thing, just something that works for them. I am not against it, I just hadn't seen myself in this position.

We are going to take it day by day, and still continue to plan for short term things like weekends together with our daughters and time for him and I alone. I guess I will just take it as it comes, as long as it isn't hurting me or my girl.

Anyone else have advice or comments?

lostandinlove

oh, I did find this link and I thought it was very good advice.

LivingManicDepressive - Relationship Falling Apart? Do NOT Give Your Partner Space

Although my BF is not manic depressive, I think it is still very applicable. He told me when his depression first started to come back that his last 2 relationships failed because as he started to get depressed, he isolated himself and pushed people away. He made me promise not to let him do that to me (and has called me out on it once or twice too).

So instead of letting him mope last night, I picked up chinese and we watched our favourite shows together. I think doing that (arranging for easy-going but quiet time) really helped him relax and it ended up opening the door for a heart-to-heart.

I hope that link will help someone else too!