turkish

This may be a long one so I will apologise in advance, but need some help/advice.

I have a thread detailing my current relationship debacle on the Men's board - 'Partner: Fallen out of Love' but need help with my side of things and where I'm heading.

Basically, my head is, and has been for many years, an absolute mess. I'm 25, in the verge of losing my SO, my family unit, my house, finances, everything as I know it, but have finally accepted my issues. I'll start way back when;

My early childhood was pretty good from what I recall. My parents worked alot so I spent alot of time with my Nan, but I was a happy kid and never really went without. When I was 8, my life took a dramatic turn, when a baby brother appeared. A matter of a few months later my Auntie had a baby too and I went from being the only kiddy with all the attention to all of a sudden, very, very little. I don't mean that as a spoilt kid, the family dynamics took a major turn at that point and it really was like I just wasn't anything to fuss over. I recall that feeling very vividly. I have never really considered this a major concen, just giving you background info.

Anyhow, as years went on, I noticed more and more the overwhelming feeling of favouritism going on in my little brothers favour. He could basically do anything, I would get the blame or the rollicking whatever. It at times baffled me. He really wasn't a nice kid. He had a very nasty stream in him and when he figured that he was getting away with it all and it would be turned on me he just got worse. Anyhow, this got really bad by age 12 for me, through to 16, at which point my folks split following my dad having an affair. my mum went off the rails completely and I really felt the brunt of it. She told me way too much for a 15/16 year old and as it was at the time of my final school exams (I wasn't the most academic lad anyhow so was struggling), I was finding it increasingly tough. It came to a head on Christmas Eve I think (th whole few years is a blur to me so I'm not exact with dates etc) when my mum lost the plot and kicked me out. I went to my Nans who was always my comfort at times such as those. In a way I looked to her as mum, because for so much of my childhood I was with her. She was my saving grace. During this time, I had a totally nuts long term girlfriend without had an even more nuts mum than myself, who I swear really tried to mess my head up. I escaped this mad hell, and stayed a single you g lad for a fair while,trying to make sense of my life and trying to concentrate on the apprenticeship I had obtained in Electrical Engineering. In June 2006, I found the girl of my dreams. She was perfect for me. Laid back, stunner, just suited me in every way I felt I needed. In October 2007, we found out she was pregnant. A total shock to both of us and one I really struggled to get my head around. But I fought on...

In between all this. Just as I was doing my final school exams and my folks splitting, my Nan was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. She put up a marvellous fight, far exceeding he initial prognosis, but she gave up the fight in December 2007 when I was 20. I had just managed to tell her that my OH was pregnant with our child 5 days prior to her passing. I knew she wasn't going to make it through to see the birth, so she was the first person I told. I'll never forget her words and touch at that moment. Breaks me even now just writing that. He service was held a few days before Christmas. I felt like the one person who I always had by my side had gone. The one who always stood by me no matter how wrong I was. No matter what I had done. No matter what day or time. My surrounding family from that day seemed to take a very bitter turn on me, one I have never understood and one that has continued to this day, but I will touch on that more below.

Late 2009 we discovered we would be expecting our second child, which was relatively planned but alot faster than expected. That was some great news and I took that alot better than the first time round. We had moved into our first proper place together, I was doing well at work and we were expecting our second kiddy and things were really looking up. In March 2010, my mum (who was starting to get herself straight following years of depression, was diagnosed with Luekemia. It knocked me for 6 completely and to be honest, all this time on, I don't think I have fully accepted it. She has been through some rather harsh treatment and really tough times since, watching it really take its toll on her has been rough. Thing is, I try to block it out. I ask her how she is, she says "ok" and I leave it at that, because I don't want to know. I feel awful for that, but it's like I pretend it is t there.

The birth of our 2nd went well. Things were going ok, my mum responded relatively well to treatment and I was starting to find some balance. Then my moment of dream state hit me. I received a message online from a stranger, basically informing me that this guy was in fact my father. No warning, no clues in life, no chat to me from me mum when I was 5,6,7,8,9,10 or even 12 or so, nothing. Then at 23, BOOM. "Oh yeh, that guy you have called dad all your life, he isn't really your dad." I was shaken to the core, and I think it was one too many for the emotions I was trying to contain from over the years. I have met him, his wife, his family, my half brothers/sister and they ate fantastic people, but that doesn't Change the fact it has hit me hard. Something I don't think anybody actually understands.

Fast forward a few months and in November that year me and the OH brought our first house together. A lovely 3 bed terrace house that was perfect. It did mean though I would have to work harder and longer to keep her as a stay at home mum. I completed my qualifications to better my income by a significant wedge, by attending evening classes at college twice a week. This meant working a 50, 60 or even 70 hour week, plus attending college from 6pm-9:30pm two days a week. Needless
To say, it took its toll.

It January this year, we had two deaths in 3 days. My birth father's (bio dad) mother, who I had grown very fond of in the brief time of us having together, and the FIL 2 days later. A horrific start to the new year and the year has been tough on us all. I have struggled hold myself together at various points in all places this year, I can't sleep at night and can't wake up when I'm finally asleep, I have zero energy, absolutely nothing ever and this constant ache in me that makes me just think that something bad is around the corner.

Sorry if this is too long, I hope it makes some sense. It has basically brought the OH to the decision she no longer wants me. Thing is, I'm starting IC next Wednesday. I want to ask her to just stand by me through this, watch me sort myself & grow. Become a better man and let us find eachother again. But everything I have suggested just gets smashed down, so just don't know how to go about it.

If this makes sense, please help?

Turkish
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ferndog

You have a lot of issues for sure. The hardest step of them all is admitting your faults hitting rock bottom. You are at that point. This is the time you look in the mirror and you say " I don't like who I am, I deserve better" and if and only if your heart has the strength and love underneath those heavy layers upon layers of pain and sadness you'll be able to win. If you expect a miracle cure, there are none. If you want to win this battle you can.

Every morning wake up and realize that you cannot control others only yourself and that you are beautiful.

This road you are on will be long painful and will test your soul.

So when you are ready this is what works for me . Little by little pick up only what works for you and leave the rest. You are your best friend so don't be afraid to be with yourself.

1. Wake up and admit "I am not at my best at the end of the day I still won't be but I promise to be the best I can be today"
2. Write what you like about yourself and what you don't. What do you think you need to do to get to the person you want to be

3. Get a hobby. Girls in general from what I've witnessed do not do stuff for themselves (as far as positive activities). Read, gardening, sports, textile work, art etc it all helps your spirit.

4. Talk to someone you trust. Vent. They will not have an answer but they will have an ear and it's good to empty your pain and sadness like an hour glass, it will slowly leave your heart

5. Seek professional help if you can. If you can not afford it, it's ok. Use this site and your writings to help you and heal you.

6. Allow yourself to see the beauty within you. You are beautiful you just forgot that

7. It's ok to cry Somedays but always return to your smile and remember its ok to take a step back on bad days as long as you don't quit because for everyone day thats bad you'll get 2 to 3 good ones and they will eventually win

8. Never ever give up on yourself. You are your own sculpture and you can mold and shape yourself into anything you desire wih the right motivation, patience, honesty, and love

9. Reflect on your feelings every two weeks or so. Write and keep track of your progress. It will help you and you will notice your progress

10. You are the one that can help yourself the most. None of this advice will help unless you want it. You must desire it and you must give it your all. Your heart will tell you when you are ready. I believe you are. I believe in you the question is do you believe in yourself?

You want help? Well you already know the answer it's just time for you to face your pain, hurt, disappointments.

You want to win this? Take a moment study your pain. It's layers of blocks in your heart (like Tetris) start peeling small blocks little by little. (this is called progress). Like going for walks, cooking etc small things.

Then youll discover more hidden layers (bigger issues) that make you feel the way you do

And eventually you'll find the root of it all. And you'll discover your self love

Pray if you believe in GOD (as I do) but realize he won't do the work for you.

Good luck on your journey (one small step at a time but you'll be ok)

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deejov

Turkish,
Your post touched me.
Thank you for sharing all that you are feeling.

I am the soon to be exwife of a husband who is going through a similar rock bottom phase.

I visit often, try to be supportive, and I have to ask....

What exactly can a spouse "do" to be supportive while someone is going through such a turmoil?

I ask.. because you must know that it's impossible to have a relationship, let alone a marriage, when one spouse is that deep in trouble.

Friendship? Someone to listen to you? What helps to make YOU feel supported?

ferndog

I might have some advice that will help. My ex left me unexpectedly. She stopped all contact. She divorced me and she would not answer my phone calls. I have not seen her since October and was officially divorced by march.

I still hurt, I still love her I miss her I believe in her . But this woke me up it did something in my soul. It made me see all my issues because I was with myself and felt angry.
I chose to fix my issues. And I admit my faults

So what can you do to support his issues, that's hard. Does he know he have issues??? Many don't like I didn't.

Talk to him. Love him show him you care suggest counseling . He may refuse like I did. The last straw is what my wife did. She through me in my own emotional pool and I must decide to sink or swim. I chose to swim.

You can be there but he may never get better. Is this what you desire? My ex didn't and I don't blame her.

So try everything but if all fails move out. Leave him alone . Tell him "I love you but you need help if one day you fix your issues then we may get together but not like this not now" and you can even divorce

This does not mean you gave up this just means you trust him enough to realize his faults.


I know you love him but you cannot make him love himself and that's his problem like I have.

Once again this is only the last step. But before that show him love. Show that you care let him see how you hurt because u care for him. And if he doesn't respond the way you want it doesn't mean he doesn't love you it may well mean he forgot how to show it. It's those layers of pain (depression) that tighten around the heart. But it's no excuse to live like that
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turkish

Thanks for your feedback. I failed to include that shortly after being kicked out from my mums and going to my Nans, I ended up moving into a little flat that my dad had started to rent. Since he spent no time there as he lived with his OW, I was there alone pretty much constant. I look back to that time and wonder what I must have been like to be around. It was a seriously dark time and one that haunts me to this day. I was a 16 year old lad, lost, confused and full of anger, with nobody around me. Responsible to cook, clean and basically look after myself. I do try and take the positives from it. I learnt an awful lot in that time, but it really was tough.

When our first daughter was born, my mum was still a wreck and was on anti-depressants etc, she made life for my OH pretty unbearable. The flat (the same one I had moved into at 16) was a matter of a few minutes drive away from my mums, she would drive by every single day without popping in then accuse my OH of not letting her see our daughter. She sent some pretty harsh texts, emails and told my entire side of the family the same thing, filling their already venomous heads with utter BS. The few times we did see them, it was very unpleasant and they really made my OH feel bad, when she was just a young mum trying to adjust to motherhood. I should have stood her ground, instead, as I always did, I tried to ignore it. I'm sure this has caused some resentment from my OH towards me.
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lostandinlove

You have made many mistakes, but your OH is also responsible for hers. Has she been supportive of you before? Do you feel that she would be if you were completely honest with her? Do you fight often?

I ask all that because while my Ex husband fought depression for 15 years of our relationship, I did my best to stand by him and support him. Unfortunately he was just a nasty man, but most people who are depressed just need to know they are not alone, and that someone believes in them. It makes a HUGE difference in your recovery.

turkish

There have been times, but she really isn't the most compassionate of people. When I found out my dad wasn't my biological father, I really was taken aback quite badly. I suddenly had sworms of people wanting to meet me (bio-dads side is quite big) and I was ultra curious so went with it. I would brave it during it, but afterwards I would sort of be in shock. I tried to talk to the OH about it, and she just thought it was this amazing experience. She loved it. I tried to say that yes, it is nice and yes they are pleasant, but I am struggling with this, but she just didn't get it. Not one bit.

lostandinlove

Then maybe it is time to speak with a counselor or at least a trusted friend. It is quite normal to be overwhelmed with such a shock, but it's time for you to move past the issue. I think you will feel so much better.

turkish

I'm starting IC next Wednesday. Not expecting miracles but hopeful of finding a way to help me deal with it all. I have started losing weight already (the OH commented this evening on my weight loss already) and tonight I started playing Squash which has ruined me! Haha! Feeling positive for my future, just wish it was here instead of elsewhere.
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