fuserleer

Hey folks,

Looking for some information, or anyone that has had the same feelings/depression as my wife and what it was like for you, how did you come out of it, did old "feelings" return.

We have had a bad run and are currently separated, she is at her parents, and we are having MC/IC sessions, but I want to understand more what it is she is going through so that I don't accidentally make her situation worse.

We do see each other regularly, hang out, do things together and for that short period of time, usually we get on great and I see my old wife in there. However, she doesn't know how she feels about us, she is numb to everything and everyone, not just me....she had a brief EA and PA (kiss), and she claims that was simply to see if she felt anything anymore from anyone. She says that she didn't and it scared her even more, plus the guilt of doing it.

Over the past 18 months, our world fell apart, we lost a good friend, and cancelled our planned honeymoon to be at his funeral, from that point everything got in the way, and we never actually went on our honeymoon. We had major issues conceiving for a child, then had 3 very nasty failed pregnancies. Her grandfather passed away in the middle of the second pregnancy as she was miscarrying, and her life long best friend moved away. Financial troubles hit us too, one of my businesses failed, so we were unable to do simple things like have holidays, and I was having to work ungodly hours to keep it all together.

All this took its toll on her (and me but much less), and now she is in a severe state of depression, sadness, numbness of emotion & suicidal thoughts. She shows no sign of affection to anyone, including her young daughter and states that she just wants to be on her own and take on the world.

That said, she doesn't want us to quit totally, she is afraid that when she actually comes out of this, she will regret it, or her feelings will still be there for us etc and so I'm having to live in "limbo".

We are going to get her on a short course of A/D's and see if that helps. The therapist says that she is suffering from a great deal of bereavement and loss depression, and I want to understand more about how to deal with this, and maybe things I can do to help the process of recovery.

I'm also interested in anyones stories or life events that have been through similar losses and spiraled into depression like this and had the same feelings etc to loved ones.

Thanks to any that share

aug

Does she have a medical history of depression?

Does depression run in her family?

Is she currently on any medication?

Has she gone for a full medical checkup?

fuserleer

In answer to your questions, no, no, no but soon to be, unsure.

fuserleer

thanks for that. Our relationship as a whole was good....it was these external factors that made us BOTH recede into ourselves.

She left because she was having this EA with this other guy, Im not sure if at that point the kiss had happened, or if it happened after she left. Either way, I gave her an ultimatum about him, and she couldn't pick between me and him...she said she needed some space, so I told her to leave to her mums for a few days.

That then kinda became permanent for now and shes looking for her own place and wants us to try and start afresh at some point.

Whats interesting is that I think consiously she doesnt know how she feels about us, but something, somewhere keeps her hanging on, as if she knows I am the man for her, but she needs this room to deal with things herself.

We hang out a lot, have a great time when we do, we have a little affection and generally its like we are still together, except that she no longer lives here and does a bit more of her own thing.

She understands that she is ill, and doesnt want to make the final break from "us" because she fears that she is not in a place to make that decision (just like you) and its as if she knows that she will regret that decision at some point.

As a couple we were amazing, but it was all these external stressors out of our control that caused the actual main issue in our relationship...she shut down, I ploughed into work to try and resolve these problems via a different means...which meant we both had very little time for each other and didnt communicate properly.

Edit: The EA/PA is over, it was a one time kiss, and shortly after she left she told him to leave her alone. She felt guilty, cheap, more confused and empty after that. Its been around 3 weeks I believe since any contact with him, and I do believe that the reason behind it was as she said....to see if she could feel anything at all.

I'm struggling to find ways in which I can help her, without her feeling pressured, or do I just continue as I am, seeing her regular, contact and support her with things that I can.

Mavash.

This isn't true. You don't "have" to do any such thing.

I've suffered from depression most of my adult life and I can tell you that the best thing you can do for your wife in this situation is to let her go. From what I can tell she has already left you. As long as she knows she's got you waiting in the wings she won't change. Why would she? Where is the motivation? She's got you, her life is working for her and she's wallowing in self pity. Bad stuff happens to people everyday but not everyone gives up on life.

Look I know this sounds mean but letting someone like this hit rock bottom is the only way out. You must quit enabling this behavior and start taking care of YOU. It's what my husband did to me and then and only then did I seek help to change.

aug

From your other post today in your other thread (see below), now you know she's not in depression.

Now you have the answer why she is acting the way she is.

Remember this: "Cheater lies. Always."