Hello all. First, thanks for taking the time to look at this. I really appreciate it. It's a bit long, though.
*edited to add something*
There's a couple different pieces that lead up to how I feel now, so I'll try to break it down:
This past spring, I had a complete mental breakdown. I've suffered from depression and anxiety for years, but major changes at my new job + getting married stressed me to the point that I wanted to hurt myself, and into the hospital I went for a couple days, followed several weeks of intensive outpatient care.
My husband and I have been together for several years before getting married, so he knew I had issues. But I moved to a completely different state because he wanted to be with his family, so that also added to the stress because I was in a new place with no real friends or family - his father booted me out of the house after a few months because I was struggling trying to find a job in this economy, another thing that still hurts me to this day, especially since my husband stayed with his family instead of coming with me.
Ever since I moved with my husband everything started to go downhill - bad stuff kept happening to me, and it felt like my husband has drifted further and further away due to my issues. When I did finally land a job, I was the only one supporting us, he had a job but it was barely enough to pay his bills and every time I tried to get him to look for something better so he could help with things he said he would but never did it (this is true for many many things, from simple household chores to important things that must be done). Then when he finally did get another job, he still only has a little left over after paying his own bills, so he just spends it on himself. There's a concert
I'll never be able to see again on my birthday this year that is really important to me, and he refuses to save up to take me, claiming it's too expensive, yet he buys a bunch of stuff that adds up to that total within a week :/. So I've been miserable the whole time with him, the mental breakdown was just the peak of the whole deal.
Then after I was done with the hospital stuff, I still had issues sometimes, I got deeply depressed and severely paranoid fairly often as my doctor tried to find the right mix of medications to get me feeling normal again, so he would just get mad at me whenever I felt down. It got to the point where he would start getting aggressive with me, so I closed myself to him, figuring continuing trying to talk about my feelings would just lead to a punch in the face because he was so sick of it.
I feel so distant from him now...I never want to talk about what is on my mind, I don't want to have sex, and I'm actually considering temporary separation to see if that changes anything.
But the distance has led to another problem: emotional infidelity. I became very close to a mutual friend of ours and talked to him about everything - he is bipolar so he understands me very well, especially now. Not only that, but I'm attracted to him sexually, and he shares interests with me.
I felt guilty for feeling this way - so I told my husband about my feelings towards our friend. At first he was upset, but that went away quickly...he said he's "not surprised, given how well you two relate". It's almost like he wants me to love this person instead because he's sick of dealing with my mental issues. We still spend time together with him like nothing happened. This reaction just really bothers me, it doesn't seem normal. But my feelings for our friend keep getting stronger. He's too shy to say/do anything and he respects the boundaries of the marriage, but I know he's attracted from me from things he's done. He said he "doesn't want to be the one to break our marriage", but I can tell that he's struggling to keep it all inside like me more and more. I know most will tell me to drop all contact with the friend and focus on us...but he still acts the same as he did before I got close to this friend, so I don't see how this would change that other than putting us both in deep pain.
I've been feeling very distraught lately...I don't know what to do, it feels like every option is wrong and I'm a terrible person for being so close to someone else (and wanting to be closer), and that my husband would be nicer to me if I wasn't broken.
Anyone have any advice on where to go from here?