I haven't posted in a while about my depression progress. I forgot the thread but think its important to share and hope it helps anyone out there .
When my wife left me (through an email) I was shocked, devastated, angry, confused etc you name it. It's approaching a year now since that day. And I still remember the last time is aw her was Oct 17th.
I knew we had problems but nothing that couldn't be fixed, I mean I was faithful and caring. Then I took a long look in the mirror and try to see things from her eyes. And it hit me. I was not there for her as a true partner. But why? This I couldn't understand.
I had not been happy for so long and don't know why. I knew I loved her and she was not the cause but I still could not grasp it.
So I promised her I would fix my issues and return a complete man full of love and support.
She said "I won't believe you" I then said "it won't matter because I'll believe myself"
So I was not sure where to begin since I had been with her all my life (since 15yrs old now 36). I started by writing a list of things I did not like about myself
List
Miss work to often
Wake up late
Always tired
Gambling
Drinking (not an alcoholic but I didn't like we're it was heading)
Need to finish school
Time to grow up
I depend on others to much
need to get healthier
Then I wrote what I Like about myself
Loyal
Loving
Honest
Caring
Faithful
Sense of humor
I analyzed the lists and I knew I had some work to do. I basically had the foundation and capability to be a productive giving person but how would I get to that?
I began by picking up productive hobbies
Drawing, painting etc and begin to make shirts to make some $
Then I enrolled in school at super loaded on units and I just graduated and hot accepted into the credential program
I took another part time job.
I'm broke but because I'm paying of my debt. (I'll be done by jan at this pace
I began to hang around my family rather than friends
I feel good about my progress. I have become somewhat happy again and still need to get to that other level.
When I first began this lonely journey I was so sad and depressed
Now I realize that my mother in laws death affected me more than I could ever imagine. I also lost my mother along the journey. And I became a reserved, lonely person with nothing to offer.
So yes I still need more work but I'll get there
I try to focus on my issues and try not to think of my ex wife
I remain focused on my promise and know that there is life at the end of this tunnel.
I miss my ex. She is the love of my life and every time I make progress or have something funny or good to share I think of her and wish I could share it with her
Yes I'm being honest. I love her, I miss her kisses, her smile.
But I know that if she doesn't believe in me well then she was not the true love I thought she was.
I just keep going and focus on myself and part of my worth comes from my moral values. I can't move on until I offer the best me to my ex. And I can't offer it till I feel it.
I'm not at my best not yet.
So to anyone that is reading this. I at this
You can do it, you can become better. You have the ability to lift the layers and layers of pain off of your heart. But no one can help you. You must want it. You must stick it out and stay focused. Many say they will but give up. Don't be that person, be great . Think better, be better.
Show your worth/value be the best you in all areas of your life and you will earn respect.
Keep going
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