gordis

I don't have much experience dealing with spouses who are going through depressions. I suspect this is the cause of our marital problems but I am not sure. A little background My husband was born and grew up in South America but is an American citizen. We have been married for 4 years and are both in our early 30s. We have no children. He is a full time student at a community college and I just moved 2 1/2 hours away to take a job to support us. I have a decent job but we don't have medical insurance for him (it is very expensive thorough my employer). For the past year my husband has been very distant and cold. When not at school he spends all of his time on the computer playing chess and programming websites. A couple of issues that I think are difficult for him are having to start over again (he was a math teacher and vice principle in his home country) and he is relying on me to provide 100% of the income.

The past two months have been very difficult and I am really about ready to leave him. I just moved away to get a job to support us. He decided to stay in our old home and attend community college, even though he could have taken the same program at the local community college where I moved to. He said this was because he wanted to finish his degree with his friends. He has one more semester. He left his country to marry me so I know it would be hard for him to start over again in a new place. Also, the expensive of a second place was not too much. We agreed he would move back with me when his semester is done in December. Being without him is honestly hard for me. I love him.

The problem is he has been very distant. I have had some health issues lately and he has not helped me at all during this. This has caused arguments between us and when I tell him that it's really upsetting that he has not lifted a finger to help me he says that he knows I need help but he is not able to do anything. I interpreted this as depression, but I am not sure. He has also been sleeping a lot and at weird hours. I can't get him to leave the house. He likes to drink but I wouldn't say he has a problem with it. He doesn't take very good care of himself anymore. He is an excellent cook but would eat a loaf of bread before cooking. It is very difficult to get him to be intimate or affectionate with me. He tells me that it's not me but that he does not have the desire for it. At this point in my marriage I am getting very little for all my efforts. I don't want to be the only one trying in this marriage.

He left last week to return to our old place and will be going back to school. I told him that he his not the sweet and caring husband that he used to be and that I am about to walk out the door. He agreed to see a councilor when he returns back to school. Do you think he is depressed?

DeepPurple

A few snippits from your post:

I am going to go out on a limb and say that you are probably paying for his education as well?

I don't see depression here. But, unfortunately, I do see what looks like someone that is taking advantage of you.

If he cared for you, he would move with you, and not stay where he is to "be with his friends".

If he cared for you, he would help you with your medical issues.

Why won't he "lift a finger"? Is there a medical issue involved? Is he incapable for some reason? Or is he just lazy?

If he was really depressed, he wouldn't go to school, he wouldn't "hang out with his friends", he wouldn't be doing a lot of things. Depression affects everything you do, not just certain things.

If he's still able to hang out with his friends and go to school, but doesn't do things when they pertain to you or your marriage, then he's most likely not depressed.

Like I said, unfortunately it sounds like he's just taking advantage of you.

I would ask him to see a counselor now. If he's true to your relationship, he will. If he still wants to wait until he finishes the semester, then he's just dangling a carrot, and will find another excuse when the semester is over.

EleGirl

I agree with the above post.

How has he been in the USA only 4-5 years and yet is a citizen? Just curious.

You are paying for his education. It sounds to me like he's using you. Can he get federal financial aid while married to him? If not tell him that you can no longer afford his education. Get a quick divorce and let him appy for financial aid. He should be paying the cost of his own education.. even if it's in loans that he has to pay back later. You see, student loans are not community debt. So if the two of you split up you have no responsibility for his loans and thus he pays for his own education.

Tell him that you will remarry him once he had his degree. See what he does. Does he get the financial aid and put the cash in the same joint account (making assumption here that you have a joint account)? Or does this suddenly become his money and he no longer needs you?

A married man does not stay behind to finish school with his friends. He's biding his time till he does not need your $$ any more. My son's father did this to me through medical school. Been there done that. It's very common.

Do you have a degree?

__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

gordis

Thank you for your responses. My husband pays for his own education through loans. I am not financing one cent of it. He sometimes gets extra money from loans and he always puts it in our joint account and always spends some of the money on me. Financially he is responsible and understands the family budget. He really doesn't spend money on anything other than food and beer.

It is possible to become a legal citizen with 1 year in the country. It just all depends on circumstances.

As far as education, I have a masters degree, working on a second, and have a good job at a major university in my state. He is going to school, but has lately been skipping days and dropping alot of classes. He has told me he is tired of going to school. I don't think he hangs out with friends much. Maybe once or twice a month and I have seen him on many occasions pass up a chance to go be with friends because he "didn't feel like it".

I am not sure why he won't help me with things and this along with other factors has me very upset. His reasoning along with his other behaviors has made me think he was depressed. I am hoping the councilor can sort it out. He promised to see one next week when classes start. If something comes up and he refuses to go then I will take this as a sign, but he has not fought me one bit on going.

EleGirl

Ok so he's not using your for financial reasons. He might be depressed. As you know school can get overwhelming. His skipping classes makes sense if that's the case. Too bad he cannot take a semester off. But he does not have long to go.

I wonder if you could just set up some nice date weekends and see how that goes since you two are not living together.

__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

gordis

I have tried doing things together with him. If I ask him to run errands with me then he is not interested. I also asked him to go to the beach with me (I moved very close) and he didn't want to. If I ask him to take me to some kind of event or movie the answer is always no. The only place I have been able to get him to go is out to eat.

I think school is very overwhelming for him now. English is his second language, although he speaks English very well. He has gone to school for over 2 years without taking any semesters off. He was working for the first year and going to school, but that almost killed our marriage as we never saw each other. We both agreed that in the long run it would be better if I focused on working and he focused on school, at least until he finished. He has really struggled with some classes because of the structure and personalities of some of the professors. He is a very intelligent man, but I think when he had some difficulties with calculus than that was a blow to his ego. You see he was a high school math teacher and he failed/dropped this course 2 times. He has since changed his major so he doesn't have to take calculus, however, the change added another 6-12 months before he will finish.

I am really having a hard time figuring him out at this point and I can't tell if he doesn't love me or is majorly depressed. We communicate over the phone or through text messages now that we are living apart. His messages are often cold, however he will message me through the day to ask me how I am. He sometimes tells me he loves me but won't spend more than 5 minutes in a google hangout with me although I tell him I miss him. Yet he spends a large portion of the day fixing my website.

EleGirl

How old are the two of you?

He could be depressed and/or over whelmed. Or it could be any number of other things.

Since you have no idea what is going on, he’s not talking and his actions point to either depression or he’s done with the marriage… I think you have to wait things out for a short while. Let him see the counselor.
The semester, his last, is about to start so don’t disrupt it.

My suggestion is that when in limbo do the 180… see the link in my signature block below. It says it’s for when there is infidelity but really it’s for when there are all sorts of problems in a marriage.

I also suggest that you read the book “Divorce Busting”. The 180 comes from this book. The book explains it and a lot for in detail.. detail that will help you.

For you get busy in your new community. Go to Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup if you need some help finding things to do in your community in your spare time. Make friends. (Avoid potential affair partners as you will be vulnerable.)

The goal is for you to use this time to get your emotions together, give him the space to finish school, then in December see where things are.

Does this make any sense?

__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

gordis

I am 30 and he is 32. What you have said above is generally the course I have been taking. I am giving him space to figure it out and while he goes to counseling. In my mind, I have given him till December to make some progress or I will make a decision. My job keeps me very busy during the week and I am looking at other activities for me to get involved with.

You were spot on when you said "either depression or he’s done with the marriage". This is exactly what I have been thinking. It's difficult waiting for him to make a decision and I sometimes feel a little pathetic while I sit around waiting for him to decide this. I just try to tell myself if it's depression he needs help and if it isn't then my ass is gone.

If they discover that it is depression what is the best course of action? Medication and counseling? How do I keep sanity while I help him through this?

EleGirl

When you get that paniky feeling.. that' when you really need the 180. It's going to be tough to wait until December, but really your only other choice is to divorce him now and I don't think you are there yet.

If it's depression then yes, meds and counseling. PHysical exercise like long walks or jogging can work wonders as well.

How long did you know him before you married him? Has he gone through stages of depression before?

__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

gordis

The 180 is good advice and I have unfortunately found out most of what it says the hard way! We married 6 months after meeting. I don't know if there is a family history of depression or if he has gone through it before. I am looking forward to seeing what the councilor says. I know it will take a while before he or she can come to a decision, but at least I will have some answers. I guess all there is to do is play the waiting game..

EleGirl

Oh it might not take all that long at all to come to a decision about depression. The docs have some pretty good sets of questions they use and they watch the responses very closely.

There could be a diagnosis in the first appointment.

__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

gordis

I think it all depends on the councilor. I know I went through a rough period while under the guidance of the councilor and they wouldn't give me medicine. Looking back I know I should have been medicated.

I think we have to find the right councilor and hopefully this person will be it, but who knows. Would be great to get some type of answer sooner rather than later.