UsagiNeko

My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. Throughout those 7 years, we have had problems in our relationship, both minor and major, but the major ones (bad communication, a imbalance of giving and receiving, etc) were unfortunately brushed under the carpet for a long time. One of these major problems includes his very cynical and negative outlook on his life and stressful situations (we're also sure he had A.D.D.). Because of this, it takes him a very long time to get better when he's having a anxious/depressed episode. Everything I try to make him better seems for nothing, and sometimes he even says I make it worse or he lashes out at me for not listening.

There's a lot of things that have made him always so stressed, sad and anxious. He's still going to college and at the moment is only living off of student loans and some extra money he's making through an internship. He used to be a server at a few restaurants, but quit because he couldn't take the physical and emotional strain of it anymore. He's been through so much stress financially and emotionally that it's been difficult for him to focus on college and he has failed/dropped several classes because of it. So, it's also because he feels ashamed and sad that he's almost 25 and he still hasn't finished college or found a successful career.

All this causes him to get really down on himself: calling himself a failure, saying he's never going to succeed. Then he gets irrational fears, saying no one really loves him and that he's going to lose all his friends. He cheated on me several months ago, which he has apologized for and he feels even worse about, saying he's a horrible person and that he deserves to be hated and alone. He blames almost everyone and everything for what he's feelings. He doesn't really think enough of how he can change things.

There's something else. My husband and I recently survived the theater shooting in Colorado back in July. Because of this we are both on edge and have been recovering from the shock and aftermath of it (as if we're not going through enough already). Recently he's been very cynical about life in general, saying it has no purpose, and has expressed several times that he may be better off dead and that he should've gotten shot in the theater.

On top of that, we are going through a separation (not divorce) because we just can't handle each other anymore and we need to take time apart from each other. I've been having my own issues with depression and anxiety, which I'm planning to get treated for, so it is hard to try to help him when I've got my own personal problems. Because of this, I'm even more fearful for his life. Since we're getting separated, I won't be able to help him or convince him to get help anymore. I'm considering talking to his mom in private to let her know just how serious her son's depression is and to keep an eye out for him.

I've urge him many times to get evaluated and treated for depression. However, he's avoided the topic for so long already, and although he says he'll do it once he has the time and money, I feel like he's going to get in denial again, feeling like it's no big deal and won't get treated. He's moving back in with his mother for the time being because he can't afford an apartment (he'll still pay rent), so his financial stress will definitely be lifted off his shoulders. He may also be a little happier when he leaves me, and he may feel that he won't need to get treated anymore. However, that doesn't change the fact that he still may be depressed based on his negative and cynical outlook on everything, and his untreated A.D.D. (which has its own link to depression) is definitely still there.

The separation is coming in two weeks. Is there anything I could do in the meantime to help him? Any advice?

Runs like Dog

Red flag. Red flag. I would consider a 5150 or whatever they call an involuntary commitment in Colorado. Survivors of traumatic events are more prone to suicide in the first place. Your husband is multiples more risk prone than normal given the rest of your description.

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fight back

OhhShiney

Hi. Sorry for the long post. This is from the heart, and I hope that I can help. I know from personal experience how hard it is to seek help. I know from personal experience how hard it is to live with ADHD as an adult. I know from personal experience how hard ADHD can be on a spouse. And I know from personal experience that it IS possible to make changes to one's life AT ANY AGE.

And, (edited) do seek help quickly, the suicidal comments he made should be taken seriously and acted on. RunsLikeDog is right. Do what it takes to get him help to make sure he doesn't hurt himself.

anyhow, let's begin:

Try to encourage your husband to seek help. I waited until 30 years into a failing marriage to allow myself to seek help at my doctor’s suggestion. I was embarrassed to consider that I had any mental problems, I was blaming all of my physical ailments (that were killing me) on my aging body, and not my mind. My wife also discouraged me from seeking help because her family had bad luck with psychiatrists.

There is (but should NOT BE) a horrible stigma for an adult male to seek mental health care.

I was suffering from depression and anxiety on top of ADHD and didn't seek treatment until I was over 50. My doctor pretty much took my by my ear and led me to a psychiatrist who got me properly medicated for anxiety and depression. He said I was experiencing deadly high blood pressure. My anxiety had sent me to the emergency room with anxiety attacks several times. I had tachycardia every couple of months. I had GERD constantly. Sleep apnea when I was overweight. Insomnia. I had yo-yo weight gain/loss over the years, going from 180-260 and back a few times, though I have been in the 195+-5 zone for a few years. I was UNHEALTHY. I was unhappy.

The medication calmed me down, which finally gave me enough mental bandwidth to explore what was going on in my head and my life.

I realized that MANY of my problems with my life and my job and my relationships were as a result of my ADHD behaviors. I am NOT disavowing responsibility for my actions. I was able to perform very (very) well professionally, but my personal life was in chaos. My refusal to seek help was my own fault, though I could easily blame “society” and my ex.

When I finally got medicated for the anxiety and depression using initially tranquilizers, beta blockers and finally Celexa and Welbutrin, I was able to slow down. Suddenly life was NOT full of burning fires emergencies. Suddenly I could walk around without counting tiles and worrying about dates. I attended a men’s group (find one for your husband) where other men discussed their issues.

In my men’s group, we finally discovered I had ADHD, and I was pointed to a prescription for a stimulant. I take it daily (no more coffee) and I am able to manage my ADHD symptoms much better.

I am sure that my marriage to my ex suffered considerably due to my ADHD. If you were to ask my ex what her issues were with me, it would read like the DSM-IV definition of ADHD ( DSM IV - ADHD Criteria ). In my case, my relationship with my wife decayed over many years. I was a target of repeatedly abusive behavior on the part of my wife, and my ADHD/Anxiety/Depression made it hard for me to cope and keep up with her. I was also capable of hyper focusing, was rather impulsive sexually (but never cheating on my wife) and avoided all drugs because I knew I had trouble controlling addictive urges.

I drank a 16 oz cup of coffee with 4 added shots of espresso to start a day of constant coffee drinking for YEARS, as that was the only thing that helped me retain my focus. I was a constant user of calendars, posit notes, electronic reminders, cellphone reminders, email reminders, and every possible kind of reminder, yet I still forgot to do things like closing cabinet doors and birthdays and anniversaries etc. I waited for stop signs to “change”. I put the milk in the cupboard. I acted like a 99 year old person with failing memory starting at age 5. I did, however, test in the 99 percentile, so I made it through school more as a result of my IQ testing than my actual graded. Until I went back to college after was treated in my 50s, I had a B+ GPA. Teachers always said “you could better”. I tried. I used all kinds of tricks, and became OCD about stuff. I was OCD about dates and times, things that were on schedule were RIGID because I was unable to cope in unstructured, last minute changing things. This was an ADHD coping mechanism. I was considered "brilliant" and "eccentric" by some, but called a "moron" and "retard" by my wife who was certain I was passive aggressively acting out on her.

I was simply ill equipped to handle machine-gun questioning, etc.

Anyway ... I weaned myself off the SSRIs due to some side effects. (the side effects, weight gain and some sexual issues were, in hindsight, a very acceptable thing in exchange for the changes I went through overall).

After I went through all the diagnosis, I did end up separating from my wife, and have subsequently divorced and married a very accepting woman..

I went back to school and have received a 4.0 GPA in a master’s program. (Unfortunately, I’ve had a hard time getting work due to the economy, my age, and a gap in my career that happened when I lost my job and moved about the time my marriage broke up. Oh well, you win some, you lose some).

Had I sought help many years ago, I could have saved my marriage. I was, frankly, embarrassed to consider that I had a mental problem. My ex was ALSO not encouraging me to go to see a shrink, her family had horrible experiences with electroshock therapy in the 50s, so she was deadset against ANY mental help.

I'm sure I would be dead today had I not sought help. I was heading for either a cardiac event, or some form of suicidal behavior.

My best, sincere wishes to your husband and you. I really wish MY ex had cared enough to poke around and find out what the possibilities are.