venuslove

Hi everybody- I will try to make this as positive and short as possible. So, my husband and I have our problems- fight alot. But, he was diagnosed with depression last September. He tol me before w were married that he hadderession and had experienced bouts in highschool and college. Anyways, now w are 33 and 28 and married with a one yea old. All last year he lied to me and was mean and refused to go on meds. Finally, he went onmeds and he was in a good mood for the first time in a long time and I had cautious optimism about our relationship. Well, he told me that his health insurance decidd to stop carrying that particular brand of SSRI. And he stopped taking them. I found out that is a lie and he startetaking them again last night. About a two week interval. Well, we starting fighting again and I am to blame because I alwasy say that I want to leav. I know it's not right, but it is the only thing I do and say that is real mean like that. I have resentment because of the lies and abuse I took last year. And now he is telling me that he i to kill himself again, etc. So, he can't help with the baby or housework anymore, just like last year!! Yes, I hsoulnot argue with him. But, god, he tellsme now that he is not suportive o me gong back to college and that he might not have a job next May like we have been planning aru. He always let me plan ou things and then drops the bombshell that ths or that isn't happening. It's thngs like this all thetime. So I am just more resentlful because he got to sleep and lie around and read while I did al e work again today eventhough was at my Mom's for the ast two weeks and he got to just hang out witfriends, etc. A I wrong to b resentful? I know he's sick. He keeps having major suicidal ideations. I'm rried but he's cried wolf so many times, I just am starting to feel like it's an excuse to get ut of talking about anything dificult or doing anything. o wrong, Iknow.

endlessgrief

You have a right to feel whatever you feel. Living with a person who suffers from depression is sometimes too hard to deal with. I am right there with you and resentment is one of my top three feelings.

Depression is serious business and we as their spouses try to be there for them, try to make their lives easier, try to make them smile whenever possible. I don't have to tell you HOW EXHAUSTING IT IS because we usually fail and take the blame. We must stop taking the blame for their moods. We must stop jumping through hoops lit on fire to make their lives easier. We must stop nagging them to get back on the meds and see a doctor. We must, we must, WE MUST. Then why they hell are we still doing these things? Is it love? Obligation? Who knows, but living with someone who has depression, who KNOWS they have depression and they refuse to do anything about it is a horrible circumstance to be in.

Did you ever hear of the Myth of Sisyphus? The gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly rolling a rock to the top of a mountain, whence the stone would fall back of its own weight. They had thought with some reason that there is no more dreadful punishment than futile and hopeless labor.

That is what living with someone who is depressed AND alcoholic (like me) is. It sounds like your H is also manipulating you and using his depression to get his way. Hey, I'm depressed, can't do the dishes. Oh, I'm depressed, can't take the kid to the babysitter. Ah, I'm depressed, I couldn't possibly fold those towels. That is outright bullsh!t and YOU my dear know it. You know you are being manipulated because you are angry and resentful. At least you see it!!! Now, you gotta stop being manipulated no matter how mad he gets or how many times he stomps his feet and throws a tantrum.

My H doesn't manipulate me or lie, he is straight out with his attitude of: I AM DEPRESSED THEREFORE I REFUSE TO GET OUT OF BED, I REFUSE TO GET A JOB, I REFUSE TO HELP OUT AROUND THE HOUSE, I REFUSE TO SHOWER, I REFUSE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR, I REFUSE TO MOVE OUT OF MY CHAIR, I REFUSE TO FIX THE SUMP PUMP (our basement is flooded because our sump pump is broken, my H is a fkucing PLUMBER for God's sake and I gotta wade down there and jiggle the pipe to get the pump running again. Also, my tub doesn't drain, my kitchen faucet drips - AND HE IS A FKUCING PLUMBER!!!!!)

Now, if he just laid in bed in the dark and never came out, I would bring help to him if I had to. HOWEVER, he is never too tired or too broke to go to the store EVERY NIGHT at Midnight to get his fifth of Rum and stay up all night on the computer playing Mafia Wars.

If it wasn't for Xanax, I would have killed him by now. I think it is time you take a step back and taking baby steps if you need to, stop being manipulated, stop fighting with him. Read up on the 180, it is steps to detach emotionally for YOUR OWN GOOD. It is about YOU, not trying to change him. You will NEVER change HIM.

Take care of yourself first. You have a child, take care of that child. Click on the link in my signature line below and try to follow some of those steps and give his problems back to him. You don't need to carry his burden.

__________________
The snake is notoriously tempting
But the snake is fair.
What is worse than not knowing?
To live or disappear?

venuslove

OK, I just read this reply. Don't know why I didn't get the message before. Thank you!! It is hell. He was back on his meds for a coupe weeks and everything was great. Seriously. Helping with the house and baby, going out together. Then a couple days ago, BAM! Doesn't think we are made for eachother, etc. etc. Turns out tonight he tells me he "forgot" to take his meds again for a few days.
This is new to me and him. I hope that I am not Sisyphus!! Hellish.
Sorry about your husband. Video games are sometimes a favorite of my husbands too.
Here is my joke for you:
A woman asked her husband to fix the broken stair when he got home from work. Being no passive agressive, he replied "What do I look like to you, a carpenter?"
The next day on his way out the door, the woman asked him to fix the blinking out bulb in the hallway. He replied," What do I look like to you, an electrician?"
The following day the wife asked her husband to fix the sump pump in the basement and he retorted, " What do I look like to you, a plumber?"
The next day when the husband came home from work, he didn't trip on the stair, it was fixed. He could see in the hallway as the light had been fixed. And he didn't have to wade through water to get to his bedroom as the sump pump had been fixed.
The husband looked at his wife and asked," The house looks good. Did you fix all these things yourself?"
"Well," replied the wife," Joe the neighbor came by and gave me alittle help."
"Oh yeah, how much did he ask you to pay him"
"He wanted a cake or sex was all." replied the wife.
"Well," huffed the husband,"which did you give him?"
"What do I look like to you?" asked the wife. " Betty Crocker?"

Okay- you've probably heard it, but I love that joke!! Especially for my passive agressive husband. He wouldn't baby proof the cabinets even after I complained about the baby possibly getting into chemicals, etc. So, I told him that I was going to hire someone to come do it. I almost got on the phone. Man, did he jump to.
Seriously though, I am glad mine doesn't drink cause he is so nasty sometimes, I know he'd kill me if he drank. Or maybe he'd be the happy kind, I don't know.