I am so desperate for your advice.
I've been married to my husband for 10 years now and recently he was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. Can you tell me if the following are signs of a control freak, or of the disorder, or if he is perhaps, sorry, just a plain 'you know' sometimes? Or if there is something I'm missing, am being judgmental or harsh?
I can't take him when I go out with my friends because he insults them, is rude, or acts bored. My family suffers when we visit because he is so unpleasant to them, making remarks that makes them feel stupid. I sit there on edge wishing I had left him at home but know that I will get crapped on either way: either for going out and leaving him home "because everyone else is more important" or for "dragging him out" to be with my "stupid" friends. If I go out without him, I end up looking at my watch wondering if I'm going to get yelled at when I get in.
If someone does just one little thing wrong, he cannot forgive them EVER even if we were friends with someone for a long time and were very nice to us. They are shut out of his life completely. Even family. They can never make it up to him again. And he seems happier without them. So then there's me. I'm all he has in the whole world because he's absolutely literally shut everyone out of his life forever.
So, now I'm his whole social life and I need more. I need my friends and I don't need his comments about how I'm "spending all of our money on coffee" with people that "don't even care about me". These are comments I get to hear if I have just two coffee dates in a month! I even get told that my family does not care about me so why should I invest any time going out of my way to go and visit them.
I have tried to get him to get help but he yells at me when I bring it up and tells me that it is his sickness that makes him this way and why should he change... "it's always him who has to change". Then he brings up 50 faults of mine, so many of which are true and then I feel like I am no longer entitled to ask him to try since there are things wrong with me too. I get so confused. The conversations end with him telling me that he was making such progress and that it's my fault that he always ends up back where he started.
When we're hanging out out just the two of us, everything is fine. He's "normal" and fun. As soon as I'm even in the process of making a coffee date with a friend or family member, he has fire and hate in his eyes.
Does the sickness really do this much to a person? Do I pack my stuff or is there hope? Do I warn my friends that they should take nothing that comes out of his mouth personally? Is it fair to him that I tell them he has this 'problem' or is it fair to my friends or family to put them through this?
I feel so truly screwed either way. Can anyone help me out?