Just Trying

Hi there,

I am so desperate for your advice.

I've been married to my husband for 10 years now and recently he was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. Can you tell me if the following are signs of a control freak, or of the disorder, or if he is perhaps, sorry, just a plain 'you know' sometimes? Or if there is something I'm missing, am being judgmental or harsh?

I can't take him when I go out with my friends because he insults them, is rude, or acts bored. My family suffers when we visit because he is so unpleasant to them, making remarks that makes them feel stupid. I sit there on edge wishing I had left him at home but know that I will get crapped on either way: either for going out and leaving him home "because everyone else is more important" or for "dragging him out" to be with my "stupid" friends. If I go out without him, I end up looking at my watch wondering if I'm going to get yelled at when I get in.

If someone does just one little thing wrong, he cannot forgive them EVER even if we were friends with someone for a long time and were very nice to us. They are shut out of his life completely. Even family. They can never make it up to him again. And he seems happier without them. So then there's me. I'm all he has in the whole world because he's absolutely literally shut everyone out of his life forever.

So, now I'm his whole social life and I need more. I need my friends and I don't need his comments about how I'm "spending all of our money on coffee" with people that "don't even care about me". These are comments I get to hear if I have just two coffee dates in a month! I even get told that my family does not care about me so why should I invest any time going out of my way to go and visit them.

I have tried to get him to get help but he yells at me when I bring it up and tells me that it is his sickness that makes him this way and why should he change... "it's always him who has to change". Then he brings up 50 faults of mine, so many of which are true and then I feel like I am no longer entitled to ask him to try since there are things wrong with me too. I get so confused. The conversations end with him telling me that he was making such progress and that it's my fault that he always ends up back where he started.

When we're hanging out out just the two of us, everything is fine. He's "normal" and fun. As soon as I'm even in the process of making a coffee date with a friend or family member, he has fire and hate in his eyes.

Does the sickness really do this much to a person? Do I pack my stuff or is there hope? Do I warn my friends that they should take nothing that comes out of his mouth personally? Is it fair to him that I tell them he has this 'problem' or is it fair to my friends or family to put them through this?

I feel so truly screwed either way. Can anyone help me out?

Sufficiently Breathless

Hey there Just Trying!

Sorry you are having a rough time with things. Dealing with a partner that has mental illness is tough, but remember its just as tough on him as it is you!!

My first question is, does he suffer from depression as well? Sometimes things like Social anxiety, or just general anxiety are a run off of someone suffering from depression, or dealing with those anxieties can trigger depression because of isolation.

Is he seeing a therapist? On any anxiety medications? These things can help his disorder and make things more tolerable when going out. I'm guessing he's not because you stated he refuses. How was he diagnosed??

I think there is a lot going on in your situation, and until he has the proper help things aren't going to change. I too suffer from anxiety. But with the proper meds and some much needed therapy things aren't as hard anymore.

Sit down with him and tell him... "I love you and want to spend time with you, I want you there when I'm with my friends and family because I love you. If you love me please get some help."

As for yourself, do some research on social anxiety, read up about it to give yourself a full grasp on exactly what you are dealing with.

I hope things get better for you soon!
SB

Ginger

I really admire your patience and committment to your husband. Maybe you could convince him to start helping himself by reading a short book excerpt on the web about social anxiety. The article is Overcoming Anxiety in Social Situations
and it starts out:

Anxiety can be a very isolating condition. You may fear being around others; sometimes it just feels better to stay home, where you feel safest. This may be the saddest and most ironic thing about having an anxiety disorder because social support is one of the strongest protective barriers against psychological and emotional problems.

The article is at VeryTogether.com and there is also an article on the site When Someone You Love is Bipolar that may address some of the problems about dealing with a partner with special needs.

Good Luck!

Ginger

Mr B

There are all sorts of prescription medications for social anxiety disorder that work very well. Talk to your doctor about it.

Sandy55

This sounds less like Social Anxiety and more like Anti-social behavior. How many docs have diagnosed him with Social Anxiety Disorder? I'd get a second opinion.

Antisocial personality disorder is what it sounds like to me. You may love him and all, but he needs to understand the consequences of not getting help for his issues and working on himself.

jpell

My husband is lovely and easy going when it is just the two of us. With my parents he is charming and calm. Amongs peers, he becomes unpredictable, loud, uncouth and acts as though he has terrets. He seems simutaniously in desparate need of attention, while uncomfortable with any he receives. I find I dread taking him out with my friends.

lolitak8

Jpell: I am intrigued by your post because I experience very similar things with my husband. He has a very difficult time handling attention/interactions with people his own age (around 30) . . . especially male peers. In situations where there are more than one or two other people, he is visibly awkward and his verbalizations are loud, over the top, highly self-conscious, inauthentic, and forced. He tends to lose his sense of self and tries to cater to how he believes others want him to be/act. The sad thing is that he has difficulty connecting with people and building new friendships because of this . . . because people (mostly other men) pick up on this and it's just kind of uncomfortable for them. The friends he has have known him for a long time and can deal with his awkwardness/anxieties because have come to see him for who he really is (a very sweet, gentle, loving person). He is aware of his significant insecurities (and where they come from), and he tries to work on these issues prior to social events, and in the moment, but this usually results in increased anxiety. When he is feeling extra anxious and insecure, he becomes very withdrawn and awkward, and appears to be completely miserable.

In summary: he is either demeaning himself and compromising his personal standards by acting loud, goofy, and over the top in a way that keeps people sort of distant (or just generally confused by him), or he is extremely withdrawn and awkward and unable to interact at all. Oh, and I should mention that this is all compounded by the fact that when he is in social situations and in either of these states, he treats me very differently and is kind of checked out from me in general. He puts all of his focus and energy into pleasing other people and has a hard time remembering that I'm even there. He doesn't even realize that he's doing it at the time, and he always feels bad when I point it out. Luckily, I'm very social and kind of just do my own thing, but it's really difficult and sad that we just can't have a normal balance in social situations . . . and that I can't help but lose respect for him/attraction to him when he acts in these ways.

This has been going on for some time now, but his social anxieties seem to have actually increased as of late. This has been really difficult for us as a couple because we always seem to have so many social engagements! Unfortunately, they always end with one or both of us feeling upset.

Sorry that this turned into my own venting session. I was surprised to learn that other couples might have similar issues, and I was hoping to seek support/advice! Thank you for your time!

lovelieswithin

I have to agree he sounds anti-social!!! you sound like a clever chick and you know your husband is capa ble of being nice right? i doubt you married a guy that would insult your friends... but now he is and you simply have to let him know youre onto his funk. Discuss with him how important it is and VITAL that two people spend some time apart so they have fresh perspectives and topics to bring home to talk about. He needs to know that he is being selfish when he gives you the guilt trips for going out to mingle. Its scary he has this label now... do u catch him hiding behind it? like doing something screwed up but then excusing the behavior by saying "u know I have social anxiety" ... ?
You could always try to reward good behavior with praise or ask him if he feels up to a social situation rather than dropping him right in... u guys gotta re-establish some marital respect and understand of each others' expectations. He has to know if he keeps you in this box to himself then you wont be happy in life.
good luck! just some thougts
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