Originally Posted by Waking up to life View Post
What I'm struggling with is how to put what I know about it into practical use. ...I literally am having trouble knowing where to draw boundaries.
Waking, the book Trey recommended should help with learning how to set the boundaries and, just as important, actually enforcing them.
One thing I do know is I don't want him to harbor resentment toward me, which I'm finding he does a lot.
Blaming you for every misfortune and harboring resentment is what BPDers do. Hence, if your H has strong BPD traits, the resentment likely will get worse each year as he becomes more resentful of your inability to make him happy -- an impossible task. As you now know, this means you must take responsibility for making yourself happy by not allowing his resentment to affect you. When you are caring for a man with the emotional development of a four year old, it is silly to let yourself be unhappy every time he chooses to throw a temper tantrum.
Still, I'm not sure how to address things like I want him to lose weight and work on rebuilding sexual attraction.
Setting and enforcing personal boundaries is all about controlling your OWN behavior, i.e., walking out for a few hours when he is verbally abusive and taking responsibility for your own happiness (instead of depending on him). It is not about controlling HIS behavior or getting him to change. Hence, if making yourself happy results in him always throwing temper tantrums, you enforce your boundary by getting a divorce.
Moreover, if an active sex life is important to you but not to him, you give him opportunities to change and then leave him when it doesn't happen. Again, enforcing boundaries is about changing your own dysfunctional behavior, not his. This approach is enpowering because, once you realize you are fully responsible for your own happiness, you will see you have the power to make it happen. If he chooses to tag along, fine. If not, that's fine too.