Originally Posted by DaddyLongShanks View Post
I'm glad you see the light. She will suck in another victim to suck the life out of.
Perhaps if you weren't so good and efficient at supporting her and loving her unconditionally she wouldn't have gotten this bad.
I like how you mention that she invented these excuses so she can harbor resentment, and I know that got worse and worse.
Being released from such a toxic and non-nourishing environment must feel invigorating.
Well its a mixture of many things tbh
I'm a year out now and I often spent too much with my head wondering what to do with myself on the days when she had the kids. I was'nt particularly comfortable not being in a crises situation with her if you get that because so much of our lives were often in some crises or other
Our life because of her needs would just catapult into an emotional emergency every so often centered on her collapsing into a heap about the latest affair the latest revelation about her childhood the latest whatever, blame, I was on the receiving end of. It was always busy being a 'carer' because something was always happening or about to happen - the walking on eggshells bit I spose.
Thing is though this does of course fill your life with stuff - whilst you are dealing with the kids the house the shopping your own work situation ..AND HER breakdowns there was never a dull moment!
For the first three months after she was gone I was often at a loose end and although this was obviously a good thing, not having to wonder who the hell she was with tonight or tomorrow, one's need or 'habit' to care was taken.
After a while though I did start to 'deflate' in a nice way - did start to calm down, did start to allow in ME. In all these years of it I had got lost.
I started to remember I was quite a nice person, I was me, alone and only needed to answer for my own behavior not embarrassingly cringe at what people made of this ebullient effervescent but strange person that was my wife. It was difficult at first not being part of the couple, a two but now I'm used to that and it is really nice. I feel in control of when my life is going out of control
if that makes sense rather than the roller coaster ride of hanging on to her coat tails.
What is difficult is that at some point I will need to be ready to let somebody else somebody new 'in' but giving out any trust is now a huge issue for me so that will have to wait. I hope that returns but right now is the last thing on my mind
In terms of needing to care for somebody I'm praying that this last relationship, the third of its kind, will finally teach me that I can never ever get into the grip of a professional 'victim' again
just too much pain just not worth all the effort one puts in. Fact is they don't change intrinsically they simply never change.