If you had known...would you have gotten married? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #16 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-24-2013, 06:20 AM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

She told me she had "issues" but that's like describing the ocean as occasionally slightly damp. I do love my wife and I'll stick it out but it should be a felony for someone in her condition to enter into a marriage contract. I might as well have signed up to be an unpaid mental health-care provider.
I suppose it's all good. I guess she'd be on the street without me, but she's usually not even capable of taking care of herself, let alone partnering. A marriage vow doesn't mean much if you're not capable of sawing your end of the log. My whole life is pretty much dictated by her illnesses.

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post #17 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-25-2013, 12:57 PM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

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She told me she had "issues" but that's like describing the ocean as occasionally slightly damp. I do love my wife and I'll stick it out but it should be a felony for someone in her condition to enter into a marriage contract. I might as well have signed up to be an unpaid mental health-care provider.
I suppose it's all good. I guess she'd be on the street without me, but she's usually not even capable of taking care of herself, let alone partnering. A marriage vow doesn't mean much if you're not capable of sawing your end of the log. My whole life is pretty much dictated by her illnesses.
Brother I'm really sorry. I have read about your story and understand where you are coming from. I was there as well. Are your kids young?

I feel sorry for those with depression, mental illness, hangnails, bad hair, bad childhood memories, etc. I feel sorry for the visually impaired but that doesn't mean I want a blind person flying my airplane and my compassion won't make the flight any safer.

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post #18 of 57 (permalink) Old 04-03-2013, 07:24 PM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

No I wouldn't have but then I wouldn't have my daughter either. He is a mess.
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post #19 of 57 (permalink) Old 04-05-2013, 07:25 PM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

I have struggled with my depression for the majority of my life, and my husband also has some mental problems due to growing up with an alcoholic for a father. We both made it very clear to each other before the relationship got too serious that these were issues that the other person would have to deal with.

I don't think my husband regrets marrying me, even though I know some things have been difficult for him to deal with at times. He's seen me at my absolute worst and handled it better than I could have ever hoped for. I wouldn't have married him if he wasn't clearly capable of being there for me even when I make things difficult.

As for his issues, dealing with it has been nothing compared to dealing with myself, and I knew what I was getting myself into just like he did, so no regrets.
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post #20 of 57 (permalink) Old 04-06-2013, 04:00 AM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

Marriage is a partnership shared by both parties. Our partner should not be kept in the dark about our health problems prior to marriage. If our fiance/fiancee will still push through with marriage plans in spite of our predicament, then that is real love. Otherwise, the couple may be better off as friends. Anything about genetic disorders that may be inherited by the children should be openly discussed so the couple could be prepared for the best and worst or opt not to have any children at all. Honesty is one of the keys to a successful relationship.
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post #21 of 57 (permalink) Old 04-08-2013, 08:55 PM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

[QUOTE=bailingout;1489658]
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Originally Posted by Mavash. View Post
For me this is a trick question.

If I had it to do over I wouldn't get married until I healed myself.

QUOTE]

Ditto here- trick question.

My problem is that we were BOTH emotionally stunted and immature but neither of us knew it. We have never been diagnosed but would put us BOTH in the BPD category due to childhood emotional trauma.

I had dealt w/ my own insecurities, envy and lack of trust issues (trust as in others are honest) before meeting my H. But was not able to emotionally trust.

I thought I was good but looking back I had a very rigid black & white thinking, didn't respect others peoples opinions, lack self confidence, glass half empty attitude and didn't think I was worthly of being loved. Oh and so many more.

At the same time, my SO did teach me to not judge others, the joy in giving to others because I wanted to (not to get something in return). And definitely changed my attitude to glass half full- I actually remember what he said to me that made the light go ding ding ding. Well over 12 yrs ago but he still hasn't noticed. The worst part about this paragraph is that H has done a complete turn around and judges others, expects payback for everything and has my old glass half empty attitude. Not sure if he's a classic Dr Jekyl Mr Hyde or if I rubbed off onto him.

If we had both stayed at the same place, we'd be good.

But I grew and he hasn't. It's a disaster.
I can really relate to your post. I was by far the most dysfunctional One in our relationship. He had issues also but I was to screwed up to notice that we gravitated to each other for that reason. He needed someone to need him, to be dependent on him. I started therapy and began working on myself. This was a threat to him. Like you, I grew and he didn't. I so badly want a partner that encourages and challenges me to become a better person. One that pushes me when I want to give up. One that calls me on my bull****. I guess that's to much to ask.
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post #22 of 57 (permalink) Old 04-09-2013, 12:35 AM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

Right now. My answer is.....




I honestly don't know. My spouse is schizophrenic (Not married to him) but then again I have my issues as well.

"Feelings get you in relationships quickly, and feelings get you out of relationships quickly. Feelings do not fill in the for the sacrifice and dedication needed to make a relationship work. Feelings get themselves hurt." ~Nsweet~
Ignorance is an equal opportunity employer.~DedicatedDad~
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post #23 of 57 (permalink) Old 04-09-2013, 12:46 AM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

"If our fiance/fiancee will still push through with marriage plans in spite of our predicament, then that is real love."

No, it's real naive or real stupid. There is no way any layperson could possibly really know what they're signing on for, so one's decision to marry someone with mental illness will almost never be an informed choice. The one person who actually understands how debilitating the illness can be is the person who has it.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership but mine certainly isn't and I doubt anyone else married to someone with a serious mental illness has a true partnership. I couldn't have a problem because there is no time in my relationship to deal with it and I don't have a partner who's healthy enough to deal with it. Her illness dictates how every hour or every day goes and it has since day one. It will until dirt is thrown in my eyes. My wife's illness prevents her from working. I have to work two jobs and it doesn't matter how I feel. My happy butt goes to work or we starve. Her illness prevents her from handling finances or even going to the mailbox. Space monkeys could fly out my butt but I'd still have to take care of those tasks. I don't believe anyone married to a bipolar patient seriously believes they are in a partnership or that they've ever been in one.
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post #24 of 57 (permalink) Old 04-10-2013, 07:28 PM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

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"If our fiance/fiancee will still push through with marriage plans in spite of our predicament, then that is real love."

No, it's real naive or real stupid. There is no way any layperson could possibly really know what they're signing on for, so one's decision to marry someone with mental illness will almost never be an informed choice. The one person who actually understands how debilitating the illness can be is the person who has it.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership but mine certainly isn't and I doubt anyone else married to someone with a serious mental illness has a true partnership. I couldn't have a problem because there is no time in my relationship to deal with it and I don't have a partner who's healthy enough to deal with it. Her illness dictates how every hour or every day goes and it has since day one. It will until dirt is thrown in my eyes. My wife's illness prevents her from working. I have to work two jobs and it doesn't matter how I feel. My happy butt goes to work or we starve. Her illness prevents her from handling finances or even going to the mailbox. Space monkeys could fly out my butt but I'd still have to take care of those tasks. I don't believe anyone married to a bipolar patient seriously believes they are in a partnership or that they've ever been in one.
That's got to be really tough. I wonder if your wife feels like she's a burden to you. I think I would love my husband enough to let him go so he could have a life. Do you ever feel like a parent more than spouse? I hope my questions aren't offensive.
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post #25 of 57 (permalink) Old 04-11-2013, 11:14 AM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

I am the one with the mental health problems in my narraige. It wasn't until after we got married that my mental state deteriorated to the point of suicidal thoughts/behaviors and unable to function. Before then I wasn't really aware I had any problems beyond what I thought everyone on the planet dealt with (which I have since learned isn't true).

Do I wish I knew about my mental health problems before we married? Yes, of course. I don't want my husband to be permanently attached to a lunatic for the rest of his life. I don't think I am unlovable, but I don't think HE (completely free of health issues or heavy burdens) should have been saddled with ME. I shared that with him, my regret and sadness for him being stuck with someone like me.

He has a very different outlook on it. Which is sweet, I think, although I wonder how much he's just trying to make the best of a crappy situation honestly.

H says that he took his vows "for better or for worse" seriously. And that there's no way to know what that is going to include when you are at the altar on your wedding day. You don't know if you will be a future lottery winner, or the victim of a horrible car accident that leaves you a vegetable for the rest of your life. He takes my problems in stride, because as he says, you don't know that I will always be healthy in the future and I would hope you wouldn't go running if I came down with some kind of ailment.

The caveat we both have is that we each are responsible for seeking treatment, keeping ourselves medicated (in my case, its needed) and that we will always push each other to be responsible.
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post #26 of 57 (permalink) Old 04-11-2013, 03:42 PM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

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No

She was suicidal institutionalized self harming cutting anorexia bulimia when I met her.
I never realized just what I was dealing with or would be dealing with and thought 'love would conquer all'
I've had 15 years 11 yrs married of mainly borderline some bi polar some narcissm.
She's been in therapy for some on medication for 80% of the time

Through my love and support there have been great times wwo wonderful kids but now we are divorcing ( huge serial adultery over 7/8 years continual deceit in so many many even small things massive resentment from her about things she's invented in order to justify her behavior etc etc (my original thread is far too long).

Now upon reflection and as clear as day, the only reason there have been great times and any stability in the relationship is due my unending love support and care - all coming from me.

When I look at who got what from the whole time together I got very little in return for giving giving and giving more and more and more. A life of walking on eggshells.

People with strong afflictions to these disorders never heal, ever, and can ultimately never change.

And for me when the afflicted and their close friends and family can sit around and use the affliction as an excuse forever that's when it's time to get out

Personalty disorders only get the afflicted to a mental 'place' they don't make them choose the next option - that's entirely a free thinking un afflicted action and so the excuses for me anyway are just empty.

I wish I could have encountered the information about these disorders we now have 15 years ago. Had I known even 10% of what was to come I'd have been out the door in ten minutes flat
I'm glad you see the light. She will suck in another victim to suck the life out of.

Perhaps if you weren't so good and efficient at supporting her and loving her unconditionally she wouldn't have gotten this bad.

I like how you mention that she invented these excuses so she can harbor resentment, and I know that got worse and worse.

Being released from such a toxic and non-nourishing environment must feel invigorating.
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post #27 of 57 (permalink) Old 04-12-2013, 11:07 AM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

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I am the one with the mental health problems in my narraige. It wasn't until after we got married that my mental state deteriorated to the point of suicidal thoughts/behaviors and unable to function. Before then I wasn't really aware I had any problems beyond what I thought everyone on the planet dealt with (which I have since learned isn't true).

Do I wish I knew about my mental health problems before we married? Yes, of course. I don't want my husband to be permanently attached to a lunatic for the rest of his life. I don't think I am unlovable, but I don't think HE (completely free of health issues or heavy burdens) should have been saddled with ME. I shared that with him, my regret and sadness for him being stuck with someone like me.

He has a very different outlook on it. Which is sweet, I think, although I wonder how much he's just trying to make the best of a crappy situation honestly.

H says that he took his vows "for better or for worse" seriously. And that there's no way to know what that is going to include when you are at the altar on your wedding day. You don't know if you will be a future lottery winner, or the victim of a horrible car accident that leaves you a vegetable for the rest of your life. He takes my problems in stride, because as he says, you don't know that I will always be healthy in the future and I would hope you wouldn't go running if I came down with some kind of ailment.

The caveat we both have is that we each are responsible for seeking treatment, keeping ourselves medicated (in my case, its needed) and that we will always push each other to be responsible.
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This is very much like my own story. I fully informed my husband of my mental health issues and genetic history. I also treated him to a total meltdown in the first month of dating him. He read my diary (without my permission, but I didn't make a fuss about it). That disclosed a lot. He didn't look good on paper himself: a divorcee with a small child and an ex even crazier than me, no car, rented a room from a redneck.

He says he has no regrets, and I believe him. I work hard on my personal transformation and am an "out" bipolar II / bpd person. Although I have mental health issues, they do not totally define me as a human being. I am very talented and strongly developed in other areas of my life. My H and I complement each other beautifully.

We go through rough patches that cause us to do a lot of soul searching and together, we grow.

It just keeps getting better and better!

BTW, Borderline Personality Disorder's symptoms have been shown to decline with age...so it can get better even without trying as hard as I do. Also, there are new technologies in treatment that help survivors of complex post traumatic stress disorder, which I identify as the source of my poorly named array of symptoms "BPD". Somatic Experiencing treatment has helped me release trauma and turn my life around.

I do believe that healing is a spiritual act. I have very free-styling spiritual beliefs, not Christian, but I do believe my recovery is a gift of Grace. I conceive of Grace as part divine gift of opportunity / part willingness of the person to see the opportunity as divine, and take it, follow thru on it.

I also see my connection with my husband as a divine spiritual connection between soulmates. It was love at first sight, a giant Namaste we tell each other every day for over 15 years now. Would we do it again? I think we have over many lifetimes, it's a Forever thing with us.
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post #28 of 57 (permalink) Old 04-12-2013, 11:29 AM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

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This is very much like my own story. I fully informed my husband of my mental health issues and genetic history. I also treated him to a total meltdown in the first month of dating him. He read my diary (without my permission, but I didn't make a fuss about it). That disclosed a lot. He didn't look good on paper himself: a divorcee with a small child and an ex even crazier than me, no car, rented a room from a redneck.

He says he has no regrets, and I believe him. I work hard on my personal transformation and am an "out" bipolar II / bpd person. Although I have mental health issues, they do not totally define me as a human being. I am very talented and strongly developed in other areas of my life. My H and I complement each other beautifully.

We go through rough patches that cause us to do a lot of soul searching and together, we grow.

It just keeps getting better and better!

BTW, Borderline Personality Disorder's symptoms have been shown to decline with age...so it can get better even without trying as hard as I do. Also, there are new technologies in treatment that help survivors of complex post traumatic stress disorder, which I identify as the source of my poorly named array of symptoms "BPD". Somatic Experiencing treatment has helped me release trauma and turn my life around.

I do believe that healing is a spiritual act. I have very free-styling spiritual beliefs, not Christian, but I do believe my recovery is a gift of Grace. I conceive of Grace as part divine gift of opportunity / part willingness of the person to see the opportunity as divine, and take it, follow thru on it.

I also see my connection with my husband as a divine spiritual connection between soulmates. It was love at first sight, a giant Namaste we tell each other every day for over 15 years now. Would we do it again? I think we have over many lifetimes, it's a Forever thing with us.
So your interaction with your husband has helped your condition? It sounds like you guys are working iwith this thing great and mutually benefitting from it. Happy to hear your success story.
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post #29 of 57 (permalink) Old 04-12-2013, 12:33 PM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

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I'm glad you see the light. She will suck in another victim to suck the life out of.

Perhaps if you weren't so good and efficient at supporting her and loving her unconditionally she wouldn't have gotten this bad.

I like how you mention that she invented these excuses so she can harbor resentment, and I know that got worse and worse.

Being released from such a toxic and non-nourishing environment must feel invigorating.

Well its a mixture of many things tbh
I'm a year out now and I often spent too much with my head wondering what to do with myself on the days when she had the kids. I was'nt particularly comfortable not being in a crises situation with her if you get that because so much of our lives were often in some crises or other

Our life because of her needs would just catapult into an emotional emergency every so often centered on her collapsing into a heap about the latest affair the latest revelation about her childhood the latest whatever, blame, I was on the receiving end of. It was always busy being a 'carer' because something was always happening or about to happen - the walking on eggshells bit I spose.

Thing is though this does of course fill your life with stuff - whilst you are dealing with the kids the house the shopping your own work situation ..AND HER breakdowns there was never a dull moment!

For the first three months after she was gone I was often at a loose end and although this was obviously a good thing, not having to wonder who the hell she was with tonight or tomorrow, one's need or 'habit' to care was taken.

After a while though I did start to 'deflate' in a nice way - did start to calm down, did start to allow in ME. In all these years of it I had got lost.

I started to remember I was quite a nice person, I was me, alone and only needed to answer for my own behavior not embarrassingly cringe at what people made of this ebullient effervescent but strange person that was my wife. It was difficult at first not being part of the couple, a two but now I'm used to that and it is really nice. I feel in control of when my life is going out of control if that makes sense rather than the roller coaster ride of hanging on to her coat tails.

What is difficult is that at some point I will need to be ready to let somebody else somebody new 'in' but giving out any trust is now a huge issue for me so that will have to wait. I hope that returns but right now is the last thing on my mind

In terms of needing to care for somebody I'm praying that this last relationship, the third of its kind, will finally teach me that I can never ever get into the grip of a professional 'victim' again
just too much pain just not worth all the effort one puts in. Fact is they don't change intrinsically they simply never change.
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post #30 of 57 (permalink) Old 04-13-2013, 08:06 PM
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So your interaction with your husband has helped your condition? It sounds like you guys are working iwith this thing great and mutually benefitting from it. Happy to hear your success story.
Thanks! . I do think my relationship makes it possible for me to achieve the levels of personal transformation I'm enjoying. I was very accomplished and doing great in my career, but my personal life as a single woman was in a shambles. Full blown bpd can be extremely debilitating and trying to date / get my basic emotional needs met was a series of hideously painful, unfortunate events. Without my husband's unconditional love, i never would have become grounded enough to do anything about my condition. His forgiveness seems to me to be limitless! The Monster Eye is a cruel taskmaster. We cope by allowing me to take "mental health days" where i don't accomplish anything. Basic survival in the thick of relentless, involuntary suicidal ideation is at times all I can muster, and my husband treats me with heart-melting compassion. I am so lucky!

I can name a lot of turning points in my recovery, but the one that really made the huge POP of my head coming outta my ass re: being a "victim" is this one: http://ezinearticles.com/?Dont-Defeat-Yourself-With-Emotional-Manipulation&id=857037
I found it searching for understanding how I'd been victimized by manipulation in my family of origin--what I discovered was how *I* was the abusive manipulator in my chosen family. POP!!! It's amazing what can happen when you see yourself in the mirror! And that's what all human relationships are: mirrors placed for us to "know thyself" and become better people.
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