If you had known...would you have gotten married? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #46 of 57 (permalink) Old 07-10-2015, 09:28 AM
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While my original answer still resonates as a "Hell to the No," with both WW's seeking their infidelic pleasures as an end to a means, I am so very thankful that if one positive thing came out of my first marriage, it was my two sons.

God has never given me a more meaningful and so loving gift that I find myself thanking Him constantly for!


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post #47 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 02:11 AM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

Dealing with someone who didnt tell me they had these issues that they had prior to marriage and figuring out a way to go forward it brings this one thing to mind.

Have you guys ever seen the no cat on youtube? Sorry for the humor, but that is how I feel.

Honestly, honesty would have been the best bet because instead of getting married I would have done the wait and see method.
Wait with this individual, probably conduct relationship with them as friends and decide from there. I have seen too many breaks and
outbursts in the past 4 years to feel differently.`
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post #48 of 57 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 02:28 AM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

This is easy. No way. And honestly it would have been better for both of us.

She could have found a nice clean guy who lives by rules and convention.

I could have maybe found a free spirit.

A sealed heart is the greatest penalty anyone incurs.
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post #49 of 57 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 03:27 PM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

I would have walked away. It takes so much out of the other person the deal with a spouses mental issues. Most cases the normal spouse endures way to much. You loose yourself in there mess and that isn't what life is about. At least not mine.
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post #50 of 57 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 12:15 AM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

I would have married neither the boy's mother nor my infamous RSXW!

I greatly and so erroneously believed that adultery was something that happened only to other people and never to good faithful and loving men like me!

Fate would help insure that I would get hit with a double whammy of victimization and deservedly so ~ for being the consummate dumba$$!

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post #51 of 57 (permalink) Old 12-14-2015, 01:04 PM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

If I could go back in time I would tell myself to walk away from my wife before I married her. Her dad had a mental breakdown about a year after we were married and only then did I find out that her grandmother was continually hospitalized for mental illness and that her dad also suffered from depression. My wife has Depression, ADHD & OCD and it has been a living hell for me. I have been the father and mother during her bad times. All three of her conditions affect the way we spend money. Our kids are starting to show signs of depression. I am married to four different women, I never know who is going to be in bed with me when I get up each day. If OCD wife is the wife of the day I am met with constant belittling and condescension, “When are you going to fix this, why don’t we have a bigger house?” If ADHD wife is the wife of the day then I am met with someone who is going to start five projects and expect me to finish them. If depressed wife is the wife of the day then I am met with “When are you coming home, when are we going on vacation” The only thing that keeps me here is wife #4, normal wife is still a beautiful person who I love, but she comes around less and less the older we get.
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post #52 of 57 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 09:11 PM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

i certainly would, even knowing all the pain and hardships i would face dealing with my wife's mental health issues.

some people might label my methods of dealing with crazy as cruel, unfair, draconian, or cold hearted. but today, i have a functional and happy marriage, married to a very functional and happy wife, even while dealing with a lifestyle that is more stressful on a marriage than most "normal" couples will ever have to deal with.

people typically find it unfair or cruel to tell a depressed spouse that sits around in pajamas all day long eating doritos while mindlessly browsing the internet that if they do not get off their backsides and clean the house, then the router and cable box will be physically removed from the premise that night, and then follow through with it when they get home and find that nothing has been done. they would rather just mention their disapproval of their behavior, ask them to go to the doctor, and eventually bail if the depressed spouse doesn't seem to improve themselves. meanwhile the depressed spouse makes attempts and fails because they have not practiced effective coping mechanisms long enough to form new habits, ultimately strengthening their feeling of hopelessness and slipping further into depression. how many people really have the patience to consistently apply motivation until a new normal is established?

people balk at the idea of having to provide consequences for destructive behavior, claiming that they shouldn't have to act like a parent to someone they are married to. they would rather refuse to provide the motivation for the "principle" of it and abandon the person who they claimed to love. because that is easier than being "the bad guy".

when their relationships start to crumble, they would be abhorred by the idea of telling a mentally ill spouse that if they do not start speaking their love language, then one of their own love languages will be taken off the table in return. they say that if it has to be forced or coerced, it isn't "true" love, or that they don't want to have to be that kind of a person. besides, they are mentally ill and nothing can be done.

how many of you would be willing to tell an abusive spouse that you are going to record all of your conversations with them so that you have a clear record of their abusive behavior, specifically for the purpose of forcing them to start behaving appropriately until they form new coping strategies and have learned to control their anger? how many of you would be willing to hand over finances to your spouse knowing full well they are going to set you back a couple of years worth of work within a few months in order to let them experience the terrible fear and shame of knowing that they messed everything up with their own choices and actions, all for the goal of getting them to finally be willing to work with you as a team? and furthermore, how many of you could do that without resenting them for it?

most people would not be willing to do such things. but they are usually ok with the idea of leaving a spouse with severe mental issues whose greatest fear is being abandoned.

you know what real true love is? here is a hint: it's the most difficult kind. true love is being the kind of person your spouse needs, even if its not the kind of person you originally wanted to be. if you want them to be someone different from who they are, someone they do not even believe they can be, then you have to be willing to change who you are as well.

the only reason i was able to overcome my wife's mental disorders was because i was able to love someone i had to practically coerce into learning how to function normally and be happy.

some of us may love our children that much, but very few of us would dare love a spouse that much.


when i married my wife, i barely knew her, but i chose to love her, and that really had nothing to do with her. today i may not be the man i thought i would be when i married her, but i am proud of the man i have become, and i am DAMN proud of her.

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post #53 of 57 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 10:24 PM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

No. I knew about 10% of the craziness and that was after being an item but living separately for four years. I was ok with that 10%. Married now for 5.5 years the full force and effect is a daily soul-stripping misery. The other 90% of her craziness--bi-polar, alcoholism, flight issues--are grinding me up.
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post #54 of 57 (permalink) Old 02-17-2016, 01:50 PM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

If I had known about his depression and anxiety... No.. I would not have married him.

I feel like he tricked me into believing he was someone he wasn't... for over a year.
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post #55 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-30-2016, 08:17 AM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

Quote:
Originally Posted by im_tam View Post
This is easy. No way. And honestly it would have been better for both of us.

She could have found a nice clean guy who lives by rules and convention.

I could have maybe found a free spirit.
Reading that mad me stop and think for a sec. Your post sums up alot for me

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post #56 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 08:49 PM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

Headspin you hit a nerve with me. I have put up with mental illness in my H for years and years. Again I have lived a life of walking on eggshells. I recently found out he has been less than honest with me and he has turned it around that I am spying on him. I think we are at a crossroads, the kids are grown and if we split would I care.......yes, but a peaceful life seems so appealing.

There wasn't really mental illness in my family growing up, so I had no clue as to what it meant, what it truly was, an how hard, heartbreaking it would be to deal with. So if I could somehow have my two great kids, I would say no I wouldn't marry if I knew how hard it would be
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post #57 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 08:56 PM
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Re: If you had known...would you have gotten married?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BBF View Post
No. I knew about 10% of the craziness and that was after being an item but living separately for four years. I was ok with that 10%. Married now for 5.5 years the full force and effect is a daily soul-stripping misery. The other 90% of her craziness--bi-polar, alcoholism, flight issues--are grinding me up.

Last edited by vtwife; 03-31-2016 at 08:57 PM. Reason: Daily soul-stripping misery.......that about sums most of my marriage
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