Broken engagement
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Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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Old 08-11-2009, 07:55 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Broken engagement

Ok so this has to been one of the worst times in my life. My fiancé of almost a year (been dating 4 years, tomorrow) broke our engagement last week. It was very unexpected on my part, mostly because we've had problems before, but never enough for something like this to happen. I mean we worried about the financial part of getting married, but that’s one thing.

Now she says that she is depressed, because everything is going wrong in her life (her friends going off to college, we are having relationship problems, and her other friend is getting sent off to a camp where they will have little to no contact, and she also isn't very happy with her job). I told her I would do anything to get our relationship back to the way it used to be, when we were both happy.

My biggest pet peeve with her is that she just doesn't speak up at all until its too late. Now she says that we need to hang out with our friends, and little to none with each other to make us realize why we love each other. I just cannot do this right now, this has been my only serious relationship, and its just not that easy for me, and even though she say she understands, she honestly can't, its killing me! Anybody got any ideas for things we can try to do? She says she is open to suggestions, I just haven't got any yet. Thanks!
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Old 08-11-2009, 08:37 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Broken engagement

For some people the thought of marriage can be extremely stressful and even scary. I was a wreck for weeks before the wedding. I was ready to bolt and never look back right up to the point where I saw her come into the back of the church.

I don’t know if she was so beautiful that I stopped thinking about everything that could go wrong, or if I was just too afraid of her to get within arms reach on my way to door.

It is very possible that she is just freaked out about it. Especially if there have been some problems with the relationship lately.

Just give her some space and be as supportive as you can without smothering her. Nobody likes desperate.

Have you taken any premarital courses or looked into relationship counseling?

Best of luck.
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Old 08-11-2009, 08:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I've suggested counseling, but she doesn't want to do that, I have no idea why. We were signed up for premarital counseling at her church, but since the wedding is going to be either called off or rescheduled, I have no idea when we would start those. Any recommended ways to convince her into going to some sort of counseling?
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Old 08-11-2009, 09:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Not really. You can’t make someone do something that they don’t want to. I don’t think that forcing her to go would be very conducive to what you are trying to achieve.

All you can really do is let her know that you will be there for her when she is ready to move further in the relationship. I know it sucks but love is supposed to be patient after all. Just remember that love is not a doormat either.

Do you attend a church on a regular basis? Would she be more comfortable speaking to the leader of your congregation instead of going to an actual counselor?

Do you have an older family member that you both trust and respect? You might try talking to them. Sometimes just having an objective third party present can be extremely beneficial. Objective is really the key here though; you do not want anybody feeling ganged up on.
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Old 08-11-2009, 09:24 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Ya I know, that would only make things worse trying to force that on her. As far as a church goes i used to go quite often, but now I always work on Sundays. I've talked to my uncle (one of the people I trust the most, they also talk quite often) about everything and he really doesn't know what to tell me because he says as much as keep thinking its my fault, its hers as well. I think I just feel so helpless right now, and it makes me nervous, because I've never felt like this before. She says she talks to her parents, but I have a feeling they aren't hearing the whole story, that was the main reason why I wanted us both to go to therapy session of some sort, because she really doesn't want to talk to me about it, she says she feels i try and push a relationship on her when we talk, and I really don't feel like I am! We were supposed to do our premarital counceling at her church, but I haven't suggested that to her yet, I was trying to get us to go to a psychologist. You think trying to suggest that we talk to her pastor would be any better?
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Old 08-11-2009, 09:37 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Broken engagement

It might. Seeing a therapist/psychologist/counselor still has certain stigma attached to it for some people. Almost like going to one is saying that there is something wrong with you.

If she is a religious person she might not think anything of speaking to a pastor about it. She still might though so be ready for her to say no.

If she is telling you that she feels pressured you might want to wait a few days before even trying to bring it up.

Last edited by Mog; 08-12-2009 at 08:56 AM.
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Old 08-11-2009, 10:05 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Alright I will try in a day or two, thanks for the help and support! Anyways, this has been weighing pretty heavily on my mind, and I start nursing school next week, I am so worried about this affecting my school. Any ideas on how to get my mind off of this?
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Old 08-11-2009, 10:20 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Broken engagement

Something like that is going to be hard to just put out of your mind. First time you have a minute of unfocused thought it will hit you like an angry bull on speed. How’s that for cheerful?

Best thing is to keep busy I suppose. Hang out with friends and family, spend some time with your favorite hobby, or try to get ahead of your studies, pretty much anything that will keep your mind occupied.
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