Unemployed husband and Iím depressed - Talk About Marriage
Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-14-2009, 08:49 PM Thread Starter
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Unemployed husband and Iím depressed

My husband is caring and thoughtful. He makes me breakfast in the morning, cleans the house during the day, and makes dinner at night.

But I would give all that up if he would just get a jobÖ.

We have been married six and a half years. Everything was fine until about a year and a half ago, when he left his job because he didnít like a coworker. He took the summer off and returned to school in the fall Ė we had been planning that he return to school, once I finished and got a good job.

All was well. Then after the first semester he decided his chosen major was too hard, and switched. Remember, heís not working, and Iím paying for his tuition. This is fine, my salary is more than he was making, and though we donít have saving I want him to discover what he wants to do with his life. Then we buy a house, and I tell him he needs to get a part time job for us to afford it. He says he will.

He doesnít even look for a job. Second semester goes by, I try to be supportive. As and Bs, wow, you get a treat! Iím acting like heís my child, and heís fine with that.

Summer comes. I hate my job. There is a woman at my work that is making my life a living hell to get her jollies, and sheís my bosses boss and there is nothing I can do (really, nothing). I feel trapped, but the economy is crap and I canít get another job that would keep us paying the mortgage.

Depression kicks in. Mood swings, thoughts of suicide, self harm. Iíve had anxiety attaches for ten years, but its definitely worse. I feel like Iím back in puberty. And yes, I am on Zoloft. I need to get out of this job Ė I just need him to find something part time and I can at least pay the bills with a lower paying job. Meanwhile, heís cleaning the house and thinking heís a good husband for it, applying to one or two jobs a week (only things he thinks he would enjoy, of course).

Mood swings are awful; every other night Iím breaking down in tears, then getting angry with him. This makes him shut down, but I canít stopÖ when Iím feeling awful, heís there to help, and I lash out at him.

Four months out of school and he still doesnít have a job. Also he didnít apply for school next semester. What are his plans for the future? I ask, he doesnít know. He thinks it will ďall work out.Ē So tonight I told him if he doesnít get a job next week, Iím kicking him out. He left for three hours Ė I thought maybe he was wandering around looking for jobs, but no, he was sitting in the park ďthinking.Ē

In my mind, I think heís a spineless looser, but up front I try to be supportive. The problem is, he lived with his parents until he was 28, then moved straight in with me. I feel like he need s a dose of ďrealityĒ or heís always going to think things will ďjust happenĒ for him, and he wonít have to work at it.

He knows itís serious, but heís just worried that ďgetting a job is hard for himĒ and ďwhat if he canít do it.Ē I know heís smart enough, but what if he canít? I canít take any more of this.

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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-15-2009, 04:33 AM
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Re: Unemployed husband and Iím depressed

It sounds like you are negative and he is positive. You are moody, and he is calm. It doesn't mean one person is right and the other is wrong. Did he stop school because you couldn't pay his tuition? Maybe suggest to him that he needs to make his own money to pay his own way. Often, education is more appreciated when you have to work for it. I wish I had better advice for you, good luck.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-20-2009, 12:25 PM
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Re: Unemployed husband and Iím depressed

I wish I had more to tell you other then you aren't alone. My wife and I had the same issue. She quit her job back in Feb and hasn't worked since. Part of that is my fault. She goes to college and I wanted her to focus on that but it wasn't long before the bills started out growing my paycheck. I told her she need to find a part time job. 2 months later and she hadn't found one. She surfs Monster.com and thinks that the same as looking for a job. Needless to say it put such a strain on me I couldn't handle it. The stress of paying for everything while she sat home all day was too much for me to handle and I asked her to move out. In fact this very minute she is home moving her stuff out. Granted it wasn't all because of her lack of job. There were a lot more problems in the relationship then that. But no doubt the stress over these last few months were a big part of it.

The one thing I learned through all this is marriage is a team effort. No one can hold it together alone. If he's not helping you then maybe you need to look at the bigger picture. Why isn't he?
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-20-2009, 06:57 PM
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Re: Unemployed husband and Iím depressed

Um, I don't know what that you are negative he is positive crap is.

It sounds like you are mature and he is not. You can't be in a partnership with someone who is not your equal. It sounds like you have your **** together and he needs some time to figure himself out. It doesn't make him a bad person, while it might make him a lazy person. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do before you could have a healthy relationship with him and that is not going to happen with you paying his bills and enabling his lazy lifestyle. Let him go so he can live up to his potential and you can live your life without dragging his lazy butt around with you.

Maybe he would be perfect for you once he gets himself together but for now it sounds like he is using you. Let him go and get himself together with out you and start fresh once he does.
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-21-2009, 07:49 AM
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Re: Unemployed husband and Iím depressed

Originally Posted by Sensitive View Post
It sounds like you are negative and he is positive. You are moody, and he is calm. .

I don't get that at all...

but anyways back on topic....

He should be looking for a job, any job. You don't need to be carrying him and he does not need to be your personal servant instead of working.
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-01-2010, 03:30 PM
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Re: Unemployed husband and Iím depressed

I am in the same boat and need advise. My husband was laid off over a year ago. He has not looked for work. I do all the researching, resume work, applying for jobs for him. I am sick of it and am afraid if his unemployment runs out we will loose our house. He thinks he is contributing to the household by cleaning and I should be just happy. If I bring any of this frustration I am having up with him it turns ugly. Lots of screaming back and forth. I was married previously and have two children. My current spouse has no children and lived with friends/mother until he was 40. HELP
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-06-2010, 04:49 PM
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Unhappy Re: Unemployed husband and Iím depressed


Can you please give me an advise,,I desperately need it.

My husband and I moved Canada 3 years ago, Before he moved , He finished his bachelor's and master's in Math, but since his advisor didn't like him, and his teaching, he couldn't find a job in any colleges. and He also was too lazy to apply, and depressed.

So he understood that hecan't do anything with his degree, he decided to study Mech . Eng. in Canada. So we moved and he couldn't finish his degree and the university told him to leave for 1 year. He had 2-3 F's . and that's the school rule here.Anyway,,now he wants keep going to another college for Mech.Eng. Technician degree starting in January.

But the thing is , since he started his school life veryl late( age 25) now he's 40 years old. All our money is coming from his family.( yes , he has that miracle family!!)

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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-06-2010, 08:04 PM
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Re: Unemployed husband and Iím depressed

I understand your frustration. My husband just went back to work after being out of work for about 2 years. Yes the economy is bad and I was making enough at my job to cover the bills but watching TV and playing computer solitaire all day just wasn't cutting it. Even when he tried to be a little bit productive around the house all I wanted was for him to find a job--any job.

Now he has a contract position and I guess he has forgotten how things work in the real world. He was called for jury duty this week. He didn't get picked and was home by 9 am, but did he go to work? Of course not! And today he asks me why he isn't getting paid for the 8 hours he didn't work. He has completely forgotten what contractor means---no benefits!

Try to make your husband understand how you feel about him not working. You might consider marriage counseling if he doesn't listen and you have insurance. Sometimes they listen better when someone else is in the room.

Good luck to you
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-08-2010, 12:45 PM
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Re: Unemployed husband and Iím depressed

Thank you very much for your response,,It seems like what ever I do, and feel, seeing him desperate makes me more desperate than him..I think this is just the feminine charactesristic that God gave us..
Bless you all..
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 07-29-2015, 03:53 AM
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Re: Unemployed husband and Iím depressed

It is hard to be a married man with no job. people think you are just lazy or immature. I feel sorry for all married men out there who are unemployed. Lord have mercy.

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