ever feel like life isn't going how you planned...feel free to dump here!

swimmin · 10-06-2009, 02:46 PM

hi all... i am new here. i found this place because i wanted a safe place to post my feeling with others that have similar feelings. i am in my late 20's and female. i am single, as in not married, but in a long term relationship for 7yrs. i have two and a half years college education and no kids. sounds nice huh? yet i am extremely depressed?
I'm a smart girl, and i am sure i can answer my own questions, however... it just feels good to be able to release tension and get stuff off my chest and see what other people have to say.
I have a boyfriend that i have lived with for 7yrs. he has been good to me for the most part, but there are a few problems that are becoming very difficult for me to live with...I do love my boyfriend, but i feel that in order for me to be healthy I need to leave him and move out...i just am not financially capable to make a move like this

problem 1: his parents(he is 30) they are very needy and controlling. he is an only child.
i have no peace from them at all. i am always very nice even though there are times when i shouldn't be...but when it comes down to not being homeless you have to suck up a lot.
they call all the time which is annoying...and show up at our door without notice...this happens at least once a day and they call everyday
my boyfriend does chores for them every weekend...so no weekend time
his parents are always getting him engaged in several financial obligation through them.
i feel that they don't really like me, yet put up with me...which is very disheartening. they get upset when i try to challenge them for time and get my boyfriend to take care of our chores which continue to just pile up and burden me at home.
his parents try to buy me stuff that i didn't ask for and don't want or need. then when i don't want it i get in trouble for "looking a gift horse in the mouth" and such other comments as "you don't like anything" Then since they bought me this stuff they think i need to do whatever they decide they want for this stuff in return.
i have tried the nice thing and i always say thank you even if i don't like or want just so i don't get the negative behavior from my boyfriend...but as i said above everything come with a price tag that involves me having to do something. which gets really old
my boyfriend and his parents make decisions without asking me or explaining the whole situation to me. i am forced to go along for whatever they decide...basically, i get the put up or shut up treatment.
my boyfriends dad is overly nice to me sometimes...which makes the problem of "mother bear syndrome" with the mom worse. I think he tries to compensate for the mom being rude at times. it is very frustrating to have to sit through dinners to be polite...when you want to puke...because the mother is being aloud to make discreet comments towards you about how you need to find a new job, your not taking enough credits in college, and on and on. This is allowed to go on by my boyfriend. I feel he should stop this behavior when it begins to happen immediately...if i were to stand up for myself even if i did it classy and tactfully...i think i would be dog piled and make things against me worse.
this is just the gist of problem one it gets worse...this stuff has been happening over 7yrs time. its causing severe emotional problems for me and making me look like the crazy person because i seem to be the only person that complains about the problem.
problem 2: my boyfriend holds things over my head and continues bringing them up. he cheap shots me. he seems to secretly hold certain things in resentment and all of a sudden pops them out at me when i least expect it or have the upper hand in a discussion that we are having. I know this is not just by accident and he refuses to apologize when i confront him on the pain he has just inflicted. I have always been one to forgive...so i do not understand this.

swimmin · 10-06-2009, 02:50 PM

i have more problems but i feel good just saying this and i'm tired of typing...so have fun and share your problems and comments. The only thing i ask when people post back to others problems is to be as encouraging and positive as possible...people don't need to feel anyworse than they already do.

Blanca · 10-07-2009, 01:52 AM

oh yes i have a horrible MIL, too. she has a very low opinion of me and she's coming for thanksgiving. yay for me...

luckily other then that she lives states away. i had issues with my h not standing up for me but we worked through that. i had to pack my stuff up and leave when she came over uninvited. he took me seriously after that but it was still hard working on it with him.

but i see another problem- you're using your H. you dont want to be homeless, no one does, but it creates a barrier to improving the relationship. there's all sorts of unsaid problems floating around between you two. its likely that his resentment stems from him knowing you are using him- even on a subconscious level.

swimmin · 10-07-2009, 05:07 PM

i am definitely not just using my boyfriend for a home. i love my boyfriend very much. i wouldn't have came here otherwise. i came here because i want to talk this through with someone like you Blanca. and i do appreciate your post and hope you will post back.
this situation has caused me to become so depressed that i have been changing personality wise. i am usually a nice happy person but i am beginning to have sudden bouts of extreme sadness and anger out of the blue and it is scaring me.
my boyfriend does not see things the way that i see things. he has always failed at putting his self in anothers shoes. he can be very selfish at times because he has never had to seriously think about anyone but his self his entire life, because he grew up as a spoiled only child. don't get me wrong he is a very nice and charming man most of the time but he is also a spoiled little brat. it took awhile after we first moved in together for him to learn how to live with someone. and he has definitely learned a lot and came a very long way.
i don't want to walk away from everything that i have attempted to build the last 7yrs and i don't want to walk away from what i could have. i maybe angry with him and hurt by him so he may sound like a bad person, but these are just his faults. he is actually a very good man. if he wasn't, i wouldn't try so hard to salvage, and build, and rebuild.
i am a dreamer...he is not. i have goals in life he does not. he lives day to day. his parents make future plans for him...not him and i making future plans. i need things to look forward to...positive things, to stay well balanced and happy.
moving out and praying that, that, will make him wake up is the only thing that i can think of that might work...because he is even more stubborn that i am. he definitely would let me go rather than seriously admit he is in the wrong, for allowing me to be treated poorly by his parents, or have my privacy invaded by his parents.
not only this, but his parents keep such a financial stronghold on him, and have forced him into financial obligations that he can not handle without their help. financial stuff that i am forced to have to help pay for that i don't even want and will never be mine. do you know how depressing it is to invest money into something that you will never legally own a piece of, just so that you can be with someone that you love? i live in a huge house that i hate, and i didn't want him to buy in the first place, but his parents made him a deal too good to be true and for him to refuse.
the saddest thing of all is that he had borrowed money from his parents to buy a place that he had previously. the truth is he got lazy and was unemployed for 2 years and sold stuff that he had inherited like a car, rifle, and camper to make house payments to his parents. He also fell way behind on these payments and almost lost his truck to a title loan company without me being aware... until i came home from work, and title loan company on answering machine, because they called before he could erase from me. meanwhile, i worked to pay the bills and put food on our table and go to college. he sat at home all day and played online computer games!
well eventually this became financially draining on his parents so i kind of don't blame them for doing some of this...but since the place was in their name and the economy was just beginning to dip and the housing market was crashing they basically sold out from underneath us because they owned too many properties and the taxes were high. Meanwhile they made sonny boy fly straight and get a steady job...while they sold their house to buy a new house for themselves, and got my boyfriend to buy their old house because it would erase his old debt, pay them off, and pay them some more because they could sell their house in an impossible market...yeah who's going to buy a $200,000 dollar home right away....hmmmmn?
you may wonder why didn't i fight with my boyfriend and make him go out and get a job? i have always been really forgiving, too forgiving. i want he to make his own decisions and man up...had i known it would be so bad and come down to this i would have yelled at him to get a job. but he his things from me. at the time i also wanted marriage and bid my time hoping he would grow up and i knew that it would never happen if i was a (*^&*%&^%). i definitely don't want marriage now. especially since stuff is so messed up.
it is my fault i am in this situation...because of love, my heart has gotten me into this trouble.

swimmin · 10-07-2009, 05:28 PM

btw Blanca, i am sorry about your MIL...darn that "mother bear syndrome"...you are very lucky she lives away. my bf's parents live like 2 blocks away and they always drive by on way home so they always stop. everyday. ring the door bell, is best notice i get, and they have cell phones... so i don't understand why they cant at least give minutes notice even though they have been asked, but they don't seem to, or want to understand. they just act hurt like we don't, or he doesn't want to see them. first it is just mom or dad. one shows up...then the other...then both of them together. same thing with calling on the phone...it is as if they both compete for their sons love with each other. if one calls and talks, the other has to, too. like, oh you talked to him, or i have to talk to him first. i would understand this better if his parents were divorced. but they are very married and live together.
this is way out of control and not normal to me...it is rather disturbing.
i am from a single parent family so i don't know, but i do know its driving me nutts.

Blanca · 10-08-2009, 12:52 AM

ya that would definitely be beyond tolerable. but what are your options? can you leave? do you want to leave?

after all that you mentioned, i really dont think asking him to change is going to work. with my H i could have talked until i was blue in the face and he would never have understood. but when i left he certainly got the picture. i wasnt asking him to change, i was telling him i couldnt live that way. but i left the choice up to him. i think that's an important part. you cant present it in such a way that it comes across as you telling your boyfriend he has to change. you have to make it a choice for him. you have to show your boyfriend that you wont live this way and let him decide if he wants to change.

the hard part comes in if you cant make it a choice for him. if it comes across that he has to change because you are miserable and you have no other option, then its not a very healthy way to go about it. I think we get tunnel vision in relationships as far as our happiness is concerned.

optimistvik · 10-08-2009, 02:49 AM

I dont know where to start or where to end. lots of things i feel like sharing but something is holding me back may be in later post i may let myself out.

teezway · 03-22-2011, 02:40 PM

Well, one thing's certain, he's not going to change. Either you do what enhances you or you opt to continue where you are. You hold the cards.

dch0020 · 03-28-2011, 07:02 AM

I am in a very similair situation with my in laws. Plans are always made before my wife and I can even think about the weekend. They expect to be together every weekend and if not we get the guilt poured on. My wife said thats just how they are. I cant feel guilty for wanting to spend some time with my wife, I have a very demanding job during the week. It seems its either adapt to them or move on. Its hard because my wife I have few other problems, but this is a huge one.
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