I had considered BPD as well. However, as you state, it generally isn't dormant. In her case, we had a very, very long stretch (almost 12 years) of a normal relationship with no signs whatsoever of psychosis.
Frank, the vast majority of BPDers rarely -- if ever -- experience psychosis. Most BPDers are high functioning people who may exhibit paranoia but not psychosis. I therefore mentioned BPD to you only because it might explain the paranoia -- and, more importantly, the anger -- you describe.
This almost certainly is NOT the case, however, if "things were perfect, and I do mean, perfect"
for many years, as you say in your first post above. Hence, I am calling your attention to BPD only because it might be playing an important role IF you saw BPD warning signs, during that "perfect"
period, that you have not told us about.
At issue, then, is whether you saw signs -- starting about 6 months or a year into your relationship -- of her having anger issues, irrational jealousy, lack of impulse control, or difficulty controlling her emotions. If so, it would be worth discussing this with your psych. If you're interested, Frank, I describe the differences I've seen between the typical behaviors of bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences
. I also provide a more detailed list of red flags for BPD at 18 BPD Warning Signs
I'll certainly be asking about BPD when the P-doc gets back to me, though!
That is worth a try, Frank. Yet, if you really did see her exhibiting strong BPD warning signs during that early "perfect" period, I would recommend you see YOUR OWN psychologist for a visit or two to obtain a candid professional opinion.
As I discuss at Loath to Diagnose
, there are many reasons why psychologists generally are very reluctant to tell a client (much less tell her H or her insurance company) she "has BPD" -- even when that is the obvious diagnosis. Moreover, that diagnosis usually is not obvious to a psych who is seeing her for only 50 minutes every week or two. Arriving at that diagnosis can be difficult because it may take the psychologist two years to see BPD traits that the spouse sees all week long.