Anyone deal with weight over 500lbs?
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Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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Old 07-06-2013, 10:00 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Anyone deal with weight over 500lbs?

I've perused this forum for a while, but this is the first time I've had the courage to post anything, so thank you guys for hearing me out.

I've been married to my wife for almost 10 years now, and I'm very proud that we've had so many great memories that we've built together. Despite the fact that I've had a job that often takes me away, we've always cherished each other and been faithful and put each other first. Not a perfect marriage, but I do feel its been fantastic in so many ways.

But now, coming up on the 10-year anniversary next month, there is one thing in reflection I'm not sure how to deal with going forward: my wife's weight.

My wife was only 150lbs when we got married (we were both just 23 back then). I know its not uncommon for women to put on 100 or 200 pounds in the first decade, but I'm aware my wife has put on close to 400 pounds.

I try to be very supportive and I never bring up her weight. It's her body, and her decision. I treat it like its not an issue. I've tried to make her feel comfortable even as her weight has continued to go up, but at this point its becoming harder to figure out ways to make things work at over 500 pounds.

For example: I scope out the public places before we go out to make sure there are seats strong enough and wide enough for her; make sure she doesn't have to walk very far because that's becoming really hard right now; and try to be seated in areas where people won't stare... I know its difficult to be at this weight and I don't want to make it any more uncomfortable than it already is for her. I've also gone ahead and switched out the furniture at home and made it easier for her to get deliveries while I'm away.

To be frank, a lot of this stuff can be a little bit humiliating. The more I do as a husband to absorb that, the less she has to sort through. And I'm proud of that, as difficult as it is.

That being said, I haven't seen any posts here about how to deal with wives continuing to gain weight when they are already at her size. I don't know of ANY resources to help me out with this. I want to be a really great husband for her, but as the mobility things are starting to become issues, I don't really know who to ask, and about what to do next. Are there any men or women here that could speak from experience on this? Please?

Thanks so much. I love her endlessly and don't want this to be any more difficult than it has to be.
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Old 07-06-2013, 10:25 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone deal with weight over 500lbs?

I would bring it up to her, and speak with concern for her health, because lets face it, at 400-500 lbs she will more than likely have an abundance of metrical problems.

Maybe you could join her in an exercise and diet regiment.

You sound like a very loving husband, but I don't think you should readjust everything in your life to accommodate her weight. Maybe some uncomfortable suituations will give her the motivation she needs.

One side of my extended family is rather large and struggled with weight problems their whole life. My (favorite) aunt, after loosing her brother in law, has decided to get surgery after years of failed diets. I know how much of a struggle this type of weight can cause.

Does she talk about it?
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Old 07-06-2013, 10:33 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone deal with weight over 500lbs?

No offense... But if your wife has put on 400 pounds in 10 years, that's not normal. That's 3 pounds per month, each and every month. I'd guess either something is medically wrong or emotionally. And rather than being proud of enabling her behaviour, it would be healthier for both of you if you'd help her fix things.

Have you had a talk with her about her weight, about making changes for both of you to be healthier? Has she had medical checkups?

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Old 07-06-2013, 10:44 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone deal with weight over 500lbs?

I take it she has not been to the doctor in 10 years? I think its time to have a talk with her, you can't continue to tip toe around an issue if you want things to have a chance at changing.

Do you all have kids? Is there anyone else in her family or yours that feels the same as you do? Has no one made any suggestions on what to do or where to start?
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Old 07-06-2013, 10:45 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone deal with weight over 500lbs?

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I know its not uncommon for women to put on 100 or 200 pounds in the first decade, but I'm aware my wife has put on close to 400 pounds.
Uh - I'm not sure where that is coming from. I know a lot of people comment about wives gaining weight, but in most cases we are talking about 50 lbs not - 200 lbs. That's serious.

What proceeded this?
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Old 07-06-2013, 10:46 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Anyone deal with weight over 500lbs?

You are a very dedicated husband. Have you thought about taking her to a doctor and have the doctor explain the medical concerns of her weight? She's at risk for her life at that weight. Her weight issue is definitely something that would need immediate attention.

Right now you are being codependent in her weight gain. You've got to stop this or she will lose her life if she continues to gain weight. There are in house treatment centers that know how to deal with this. I'm not sure if your going to find anyone with this same issue here. There has to be help on how to deal with this through a specialist that deals with this type of weight gain. I hope there's somewhere in your area that can help you. Most people don't gain 50lbs in 10 years. Your weight standard is a bit high.

Good luck and I hope you and your wife succeed into a better lifestyle. I imagine something tragic happened that triggered her to start gaining weight. I personally don't know anyone that has that type of weight issue. I've watched a few documentaries about it since I was so intrigued about this condition.
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Old 07-06-2013, 11:08 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone deal with weight over 500lbs?

Did something tragic happen to her or a loved one? I have never heard of this amount of weight in this amount of time. Its off the charts really.

You sound like a loving caring husband, but one that might be a bit co-dependent. I'm sure you didn't say anything over the years because you didn't want to rock the boat, and yes because you obviously love her for her, BUT, sometimes not speaking up can do more harm than good, especially if someones health/life might be at risk.

I would start by getting some family members/friends on board with you about this. You could talk with her by yourself first, then perhaps have like a "intervention" type of thing with family and loved ones. She needs to know shes loved and that people care about her and her health.

How does she get around? If you are out of town on your job is there anyone that checks on her? Also you might want to consult a doctor yourself, and get some health care providers on board with you as well. It will take a team of experts as well as loved ones to help.
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Old 07-07-2013, 08:50 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone deal with weight over 500lbs?

Has she always struggled, I know you mention she was 150lbs depending on her height that could be over weight.

If she's always been over weight mostly bad habits and sometimes bad genes.

If she put on all this weight but, was normal weight your looking at bigger problem.

It could be a medical issue or mental.

What does she say? How does she feel? I'm asuming it's hard for both of you, and commend you as a husband. Due to how much she weights it's better to seek a bariatrics doctor. There are many advances in both medicine and insurance policies. You have to fight the insurance company but, most bariatrics clinics know how to do this.
Does your employer if in the US have an employee assistance program? If do, seek help they have many resources from counseling to gym membership you can get for free or at discounted rates. They can even help you find the right doctor for her.
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Old 07-07-2013, 08:53 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone deal with weight over 500lbs?

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My wife was only 150lbs when we got married (we were both just 23 back then). I know its not uncommon for women to put on 100 or 200 pounds in the first decade, but I'm aware my wife has put on close to 400 pounds.
Where have you heard that?! It is VERY uncommon where I live to see anyone putting on 75 pounds let alone 100 to 200 pounds. I don't know any woman among my acquaintances, at work, in the neighborhood who has put on that much weight. If you don't mind me asking where's your general geographic location?

Would she consider gastric bypass surgery? At that weight, she'd certainly qualify assuming she doesn't have other health issues that would complicate the surgery. But you have to go through pre-counseling and post-counseling before such surgery. It's not a cure for an addiction to food.
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Old 07-07-2013, 09:09 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone deal with weight over 500lbs?

There's a show on cable TV (assuming you're in the USA), called Big Medicine. I've watched it a few times. It's about a father and son doctor team in Houston, Texas who do bariatric surgery on morbidly obese patients. They have a whole team and program that you might be interested in. http://www.thedavisclinic.com/our-surgeons

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Old 07-09-2013, 01:38 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone deal with weight over 500lbs?

I think it's important to look at how this weight came on, as well as how she mentally feels about it. Weight is an extremely hard thing for most women to talk about with anyone. Personally I was heavy when I met my husband, and easily put on about 150lbs the first 5 years of marriage (and more since then). For us, it was me (a person who was raised on a strict diet and serving sizes, because I gain easily) moving in with him (a naturally thin, can eat anything in any quantity without gaining an ounce man) and eating the way he was. I had never had the freedom to choose my food and how much to eat, so I ate bite for bite what he did. If he ate 4 snacks a day, so was I, and I have paid the price.

For the last few years, I have desperately wanted to lose the weight. At first, he was fine with that, but as I started to change the dinner menu in the house, I realized that he really only wanted to support me, if it didn't effect him in any way. I am expected to fix him what he is use to, but then fix myself what I need to be healthier. He brings in sweets and offers them to me out of habit, and I have not been strong enough with it in my face to always turn it down. It has come to the point a couple times where I cry and beg for his help, and he is good for a couple weeks, and then old habits creep back in.

Food certainly CAN be an addiction. And it's a very hard one to kick because you can't live without food. It is offered to you in free samples, a little bite here at a family get together, someone makes something special for a holiday, your friends at work want a potluck, or your invited to a baby shower. It's everywhere. You sound like a VERY supportive husband, and it sounds like you two are both still in your early 30's. It's not to late to turn this around, but she will need your help. Tell her you are worried about both of your health. Tell her you love her, and want her in your life for as long as you can, and that healthy choices together, a walk after dinner, these things as a couple can help, as well as bring you closer. She may need a counselor who specializes in eating disorders as well. There are resources out there. You might even be able to find a support group for family members, and see how others have approached this with loved ones.
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Old 07-09-2013, 01:51 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone deal with weight over 500lbs?

I know you want to be a supportive husband but I don't think this approach has helped her. Sometimes when I see these programmes about people who are super-morbidly obese I wonder where their friends and family are, how they have not tried to intervene at some point. Because this isn't just an indulgent 'oh you've put on a few pounds honey'. It's a serious risk to your life together and you clearly love her

Treating it like it's not an issue isn't a way forward at this point. What is her diet? It can't be the same as yours so assuming it isn't a medical problem then there must be a disparity in the quantity and content of what you are eating?
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Old 07-09-2013, 12:58 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone deal with weight over 500lbs?

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I want to be a really great husband for her, but as the mobility things are starting to become issues, I don't really know who to ask, and about what to do next. Are there any men or women here that could speak from experience on this? Please?
At the risk of being abrupt, if you love her as much as you say you do you really ought to help her stop abusing the hell out of her body. No human being on the planet can weigh 500+ pounds and be healthy.

One thing I know from experience (since I weigh 300+ pounds) is that you've got to be ramming just UNGODLY QUANTITIES OF FOOD DOWN YOUR NECK to maintain 500+ pounds. I certainly enjoy good food (and good beer) but I'm also 6'3" and built like a Mack truck. I can't even remotely imagine a 500 pound woman.

Good god man, grow a sack full of nuts and save your wife. She clearly needs your help.

Or get used to seeing her every day in a nursing home, like I do with my wife.
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Old 07-09-2013, 01:13 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone deal with weight over 500lbs?

At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, your wife is killing herself, as surely as if she was in a closed garage with the car running.

In my opinion, this is the degree of seriousness with which you need to take this, the same level of seriousness with which you would react if you knew your wife was planning her suicide.

Seek medical and likely psychological assistance swiftly. Take the lead on this, and essentially give your wife no options in the matter. I understand that you can't force her to seek healthiness, but you can make a clear statement that some initial steps WILL be taken, and that you will not allow her to kill herself on your watch.
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Old 07-09-2013, 04:53 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone deal with weight over 500lbs?

If she's 500 pounds, it must be difficult for her to get around. So you must helping her by buying the food and/or preparing it for her. You actually have a lot of say and control over what she eats. She can't be gaining weight eating what most people eat. The portions and quantities have to be excessive. As other posters have pointed out, she HAS to be eating A LOT of calories each day to gain that weight and maintain it. It's not the kind of weight you gain by eating a few chips or an ice-cream a few times a week. To gain a pound you need an extra 3,500 calories. If she gained some 350 pounds in your time together as husband and wife, she had to have consumed an ungodly amount of calories. I am not saying that to shame you or attack you. You seem like a nice man, but you're being too nice in enabling her very quick decline. Please contact your local health department or at least call the clinic I listed above. You need to get her help soon.
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