Is it me?
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Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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Old 07-06-2013, 11:38 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Is it me?

I've been married for over a year. But it's occurred to me that I live in a romance-less marriage. And he doesn't care.

To make the plot short, he is on his iPad or iPhone when he is at home, never paying attention to me. We haven't made love in over four months (not even on our anniversary.) Whenever I ask for intimacy, he isn't feeling well or he changes the subject. I miss him. I have become very depressed because our love isn't there. Occasionally he will come around again for a day or two and then his face is buried in the latest app again.

I haven't seen a therapist or a doctor, though I know I need to in order for things to be better as far as depression goes. But is it me or is it him? If it's him that needs to change, why should I take Prozac or whatever? But sadly I already know this answer. Yes, it is him, but no, he will never change.

So I'm faced with a decision, to stay and suffer or leave? And I have read several posts on this site to know what people will reply. Some people will share my experience and tell me it will be better or give me their advice. Or worse, the harpies who know everything will tell me to suck it up (which has happened in the past, as sad as it is.). But the thing is, I can't leave. I don't want to quit on this so early in the "game". Yet i know he will never go to counseling or want to improve our relationship for longer than a week. But I know I won't be happy if I stay. I will never have an affair, so don't assume I'll go down that road.

I just want to know, is it just me? Do other people feel this way? How are you coping? Does therapy actually work? How can I possibly fill the emptiness I feel?

And know-it-all harpies, please refrain from replying.
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Old 07-07-2013, 11:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it me?

Has he always been like this with his gadgets or only recently?

If I were in your shoes, I will do the following.

-book a restaurant and go for a dinner( where you can restrict his phone and computer usage)
-explain to him how you feel
-ask him if he would be OK to have some boundaries in your marriage regarding phone and tablet usage

If he says he wants to work on your marriage and pay you attention, then both read Her Needs, His needs by Harley.

If after some time the behaviour does not improve, check his phone, email, FB, pockets, etc for any red flags. I am not saying he is having an affair, but if he is not into you, it could be that he is into someone else.The biggest red flags here are he is always on his phone or Ipad and is not interested in sex.

And noone can tell you to 'suck it up', this is not what marriage should be after 1 year of being married.
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Old 07-08-2013, 10:08 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it me?

ComeWhatMay,

I'm gonna stick my neck out, here, and say that it is NOT you. You have every right to expect intimacy in a new marriage. Marriage is about compromise, and it is work. Sometimes men need to have your needs hammered into their heads with a blunt instrument.

It all begins with communication. Tiberius had a great suggestion as to how to begin. Get him somewhere where he has to focus on you, not his gadgets. Let him know what you need from him. It isn't fair for him to expect you to stay in a marriage where your needs aren't being considered. Set some boundaries, and follow through. Most of all, though, keep communicating.

I wish you the very best,
Mattsmom
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Old 07-08-2013, 10:17 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it me?

His attention is on a object! Sadly that seems to be the case for a lot of people these days. They would rather connect with the object than a real person. Might be time to check out these "apps" on his phone or ipad, and then hand out an ultimatum, but only if you are willing to follow through.
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Old 07-08-2013, 10:19 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it me?

It's not you.

Hugs.
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Old 07-08-2013, 06:36 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is it me?

4 months?? Um. Probably best to talk to him. Was he ever interested?

Y'know, guys spending too much time with gadgets is fairly common. Guys avoiding sex for 4 month periods is a bit odd.

I dunno, but I'd guess it probably isn't an affair. Whatever it is is something you should probably both discuss.

--Argyle
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