wife suffering from anxiety and walking away
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Physical & Mental Health Issues Marriage and relationships are difficult by themselves, but coping with physical or mental health problems can make things even more difficult.

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Old 07-16-2013, 08:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default wife suffering from anxiety and walking away

HI:


I'm a new member in some need of advice, I'm 34 years old wife is 35 we been married for 11 years and been together for almost 14, all these years we loved each other and cared for one another we were best friends and spent almost all of our free time together, we have no kids and through all these years we worked hard together to try to get ahead, but things were kind of hard financially it seemed like we were stuck, last year we got a big break we sold some land that we owned in our native country and we were able to finally afford to buy a house and things were looking up financially, but that's when the problems started, My wife started complaining about everything I did and say, to me she just didn't make any sense, then I started reading TAM and all things pointed to a midlife crises.

We went to Marriage counseling and individual therapy which helped me better myself, but her case was the total opposite, she would complain about things I did like not helping in the kitchen something that for years she was very proud of doing herself and small stuff, but the moment I would complain about anything she was furious and would make tons of excuses for everything, not take any responsibility and exaggerated lots of things that I did, I tried to show her that things were not as bad as she thought but it was pointless, then she started having panic attacks that's when she came to accept that maybe it was her that was having problems

In December she was given Prozac(with another name) by a psychiatrist he said she was suffering from anxiety, the difference was unbelievable it was like my wife woke up from a long sleep, she was a different person right after taking the medicine , unfortunately she couldn't handle the side effects and was given another medicine similar to it, but even though it wasn't the same, she wasn't as bad. things looked ok for about 3 months and then everyone we know started getting pregnant and we said it is time for us to have a baby, she had to stop the medicine to get pregnant , but she went right back to doing nothing around the house and playing stupid games on her cell phone 15 hours a day on weekends and 6-7 hours a night after work, having a serious conversation with her about anything is impossible now, it got to the point it was wearing me out, I started looking at her differently, but I was able to put up a front, like everything was fine and I thought by giving her space and letting her play her stupid game all those hours she would eventually snap out of it but she didn't.

About a month ago we had a great weekend but I come home on Monday, it was her day off and I find her sad and almost crying, I asked what's wrong and she showed me her horoscope and it said something about her needing to find herself and needing to look out for her happiness, YES she wanted the divorce again and this time it wasn't because of me but it was because her horoscope told her to find herself, I'm leaving a lot of stuff out because I don't want to make my story too long, but now she is basically a walk away wife, she makes no sense she wants to cuddle have sex and have a normal life, like we always did and wants us to be like a loving couple but she is leaving in about 1 months, she wants to move back to her mom's house has no plans for her future, doesn't care about the cars the house or anything she just wants to go, There is no cheating or emotional affair involved, I have checked and I'm confident she is not cheating in any way.

This last weekend I started ignoring her and not playing her games anymore, I told her she can leave whenever she wants to and I have no physical contact with her no kissing, hugging or anything even though she tries I ignore her, we are still cordial to each other and we don't fight at all, but I just had enough she needs help but will not do anything to help herself, she refuses to start taking meds again, so I'm to the point were I think the only way she will appreciate the life she has is if she goes to her mom's house and learns what life is like when you are by yourself and starting from the beginning without me or our dog who is our adoration, in about 2 weeks she has to put her 2 weeks notice at her job where she has been working for about 7 years, so things are serious, her sister thinks she is crazy and she is on my side and she tells me that she talks about leaving as if someone is forcing her to do it and how this is so hard for her but it's something she has to do, I am at the end of my rope with her, I still love her she still loves me(she acts like it most of the time) but, I don't know what else to do.

In the past year I have been through a roller-coaster of emotions, I had them all, Angry, Sad, Depress, Happy, Pity, Self Pity, so I'm just tired of it, I would like her to get her act together , I'm more than willing to work with her but I see no indication that she is planning to do it.

Last edited by Anonymous2013; 07-16-2013 at 08:24 PM.
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Old 07-17-2013, 07:07 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife suffering from anxiety and walking away

Sometimes you have to take a step back and let people fall flat on their face. I think you should do this with your wife. You can't fix or change her, but you can work on you. You can offer for her to get some help. Find a good therapist, and give her the name and number and then let the rest be up to her. She either goes, or she doesn't. Thats her choice. Your choice is to either stay or go.
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Old 07-17-2013, 07:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Sometimes you have to take a step back and let people fall flat on their face. I think you should do this with your wife. You can't fix or change her, but you can work on you. You can offer for her to get some help. Find a good therapist, and give her the name and number and then let the rest be up to her. She either goes, or she doesn't. Thats her choice. Your choice is to either stay or go.
After a long year of ups and downs, that is pretty much the conclusion I came to, that's where I am right now, I've tried to take her back to therapy or but she refuses to go, she says she will go back to it after she leaves.
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Old 07-17-2013, 08:05 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife suffering from anxiety and walking away

Going out on a limb here but she was happier when you were suffering. Once things got better financially she was compelled to screw it up because she doesn't deserve it.

Not that it matters the answer is the same when people wish to leave you let them go.

Sorry.
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Old 07-17-2013, 08:20 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Going out on a limb here but she was happier when you were suffering. Once things got better financially she was compelled to screw it up because she doesn't deserve it.

Not that it matters the answer is the same when people wish to leave you let them go.

Sorry.
That's not the case because we were both working hard to get ahead and we had a pretty good marriage before this whole thing started, I still think she is going through a midlife crises then she is also suffering from anxiety, when I finally got her to admit her problem I think I gave her too much room instead of insisting she kept up with therapy and her medicine.

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Old 07-17-2013, 08:49 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife suffering from anxiety and walking away

For 13 years, she has been my partner in everything, when she first started having these issues, it was rough because she wanted to blame me for everything and I fought back so we argued a lot, then I found this forum and it helped me cope with her issues, even more than the marriage counseling, reading stories similar to mine helped me out a lot, then the problems went away for a while and we were good again(because of her meds).

This second time around things are different she is not blaming me for anything and we are not fighting, once I get past the past the fact that she is a couch potato, I could say that things are not as bad, but the problem is that, she has this urge to leave as if something is making it do it, a week ago we went out to dinner we were having a great time and all of the sudden she brings out the conversation of how she has to start packing her things, now that I decided to ignore her she is cooking me dinner every night something she hasn't done in a while doing all my laundry something she complained to no end the first time around, she is pretty much acting like a spoiled child.
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Old 07-17-2013, 09:03 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Going out on a limb here but she was happier when you were suffering. Once things got better financially she was compelled to screw it up because she doesn't deserve it.

Not that it matters the answer is the same when people wish to leave you let them go.

Sorry.

She contributed just as much as I did to be where we are, she has a pretty good job and now she is just walking away, we talked about the house she doesn't care if I Keep it, I told her I would come up with some money for her share and I would keep the house, she didn't care or even asked for it, at least not yet because she isn't thinking straight, the cars she doesn't care, the bills nothing, the only thing that gets to her is the dog, which I made perfectly clear that he stays with me and she can visit him when I feel like it.

You are right if someone wants to leave I have to let them go, we made plans that she was going to start spending more time at her mom's house with her sister and her family but she still not doing it always making excuses not to go, this weekend I'm going to tell her to go Friday and come back Tuesday, I'm not going to call her text her or anything, I want her to have a taste of what it is like to going back to live in a small apartment shearing a room with her teenage sister.
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Old 07-17-2013, 10:07 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife suffering from anxiety and walking away

She obviously needs that medicine. I'd make that my focus: get back on the meds or let's separate.
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Old 07-17-2013, 10:18 AM   #9 (permalink)
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She obviously needs that medicine. I'd make that my focus: get back on the meds or let's separate.

She was supposed to also get therapy with the meds but she never did, now I can't get her to take them or get therapy anymore.
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Old 07-17-2013, 10:22 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife suffering from anxiety and walking away

Then give her what she wants - freedom. She'll either get desparate enough to get help, or she won't. But you'll have stopped playing her father role.
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Old 07-17-2013, 05:43 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife suffering from anxiety and walking away

Freedom isn't a bad thing. Besides, even though you sound like a great husband, she's turned herself into a wreck. The most hopeful interpretation is that she's trying to stop being a complete wreck and somehow can't do it with you around. (Perfectly possible...having someone take care of them can be pretty bad for people...)

Divorce takes forever, so I'd try a separation first and see how it works out. I'd say 30% she's better off, 70% she realizes what she's given up.

--Argyle
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Old 07-17-2013, 06:00 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: wife suffering from anxiety and walking away

She doesn't want to help herself and she doesn't want you to help her.

Nothing you can do except let her walk away.

Too bad, the medications seemed to really turn her around but like so many people, they start feeling better and decide they don't ned the meds anymore, or in her case, she made the rather odd decision to just stop the meds so you can have a baby in the middle of all your other troubles.

As far as the marital assets go, you oughta keep everything since she's so willing to offer it up.

You can always throw her a bone later on if you're feeling generous.
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Old 07-21-2013, 03:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Freedom isn't a bad thing. Besides, even though you sound like a great husband, she's turned herself into a wreck. The most hopeful interpretation is that she's trying to stop being a complete wreck and somehow can't do it with you around. (Perfectly possible...having someone take care of them can be pretty bad for people...)

Divorce takes forever, so I'd try a separation first and see how it works out. I'd say 30% she's better off, 70% she realizes what she's given up.

--Argyle
I think you are right, separation is a long process and I'm going to see where it goes and I'm giving her freedom to see what she does with it and so far she has done absolutely nothing with it, as I expected.
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Old 07-21-2013, 03:23 PM   #14 (permalink)
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She doesn't want to help herself and she doesn't want you to help her.

Nothing you can do except let her walk away.

Too bad, the medications seemed to really turn her around but like so many people, they start feeling better and decide they don't ned the meds anymore, or in her case, she made the rather odd decision to just stop the meds so you can have a baby in the middle of all your other troubles.

As far as the marital assets go, you oughta keep everything since she's so willing to offer it up.

You can always throw her a bone later on if you're feeling generous.
Well the decision to have a baby is something we have been saying for 10 years now, as soon as we have our place and were financially stable we would have a baby but when we were in that position, she started with all this drama, I also listen to advice from my mother in law who said that maybe that's what she was missing so at the time it seemed like a good idea.
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Old 07-21-2013, 03:34 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Just to a quick update of my situation, on Wednesday I told her she needs to go spend time at her mother's house, since she is going to be living there pretty soon and I told her that since we are separating we should both start doing our own things(just being apart), she started saying that she feels like I'm kicking her out of the house, I ignored her and we finished the week in best of terms, she was being extra nice so it was a good week.

She was supposed to leave on Friday but played dumb and Friday night we had dinner watched a movie together, but Saturday morning first thing I said when I woke up is, what time are you leaving today, she just started crying saying that I'm kicking her out and she was playing the victim, I was going to ignore her but I said to her, Let's get one thing straight here, you are not the victim here, I'm not kicking you out YOU ARE LEAVING, this is what you want, so live with you decision, anyways I dropped her off at the bus station yesterday and have not called her or texted her once.

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