Parents won't understand
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Old 05-22-2010, 12:15 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Parents won't understand

I'm 24 and I'm about to finish my 2 year college B.A. (I know, kinda late,,long story)
My parents are very strict and I'm very easy going which is not good sometimes.
I'm looking forward moving in with my fiance next year and I just know they will disagree big time, since I told them I was planning on moving out (by myself) and they tried to persuade me to stay.
I know I could easily grab and my things and go, but I really love my parents and if I leave I want to do it peacefully and without any remorse. How could I make them understand? Any ideas?
I already talked to them, telling them that it's my decision to leave next year, that I want my own things but they just worry too much about myself. My very last option will be just leave the house against their will, but again, that's not what will make me feel entirely good.
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Old 06-05-2010, 11:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Parents won't understand

You could get some boundary books to learn how to talk to them. or read about it online.

but also keep it in perspective. they might get upset but give them some time (im talking years). they'll come around. there's not always a way to make everyone happy.
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Old 07-01-2010, 09:32 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Parents won't understand

Why do you want to leave so bad? Is there abuse? Verbal, physical , emotional? Honey don't rush into to life, you only have one to live. can you afford an apartment by yourself? if you can I would try that first. If the guy your dating is good he'll understand. Best wishes to you.
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Old 07-16-2010, 11:29 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Parents won't understand

I see two separate (although connected) issues I want to address here. First is moving out of your parents house without their good wishes. Most parents look at the day their kids move out as a bittersweet thing. My boys are 9 & 6. In one way, I look forward to that day because it will give me freedom to enjoy travelling or time alone with their stepfather. In another way, I dread that day because it will mean they are grown and no longer need me as much, which is kind of a sad thing, even though it means I did my job right. I think your parents are probably feeling much the same way, and are just expressing more of the sadness. They might not even realize how nice it could be to have you on your own. But...parents cannot expect their children to never leave home. It's unrealistic and unreasonable.

You need to simply sit down and tell them you are moving out. That's it. It's not up for discussion; you can't be persuaded to change your mind. You explain that you understand it hurts them and they are going to worry, but that you are an adult and you must get on with your life. They are welcome to come visit you whenever they like, but you'd appreciate a call first to make sure you are home and don't have other plans. Give them no room to argue or try to convince you.

Now...moving in with your fiance. I know you love him. But...moving straight from mom and dad's house to living with a man could be a bad idea. I think every person, man or woman, should live entirely on their own for at least a year or two, just so they have the knowledge that if necessary, they *can* take care of themselves, with no help from anyone, and that they *can* live alone. If you move straight from your parents house to living with him, you might one day worry that you can't take care of yourself financially. Besides, there's a lot of fun to be had living by yourself: cranking up the stereo, watching whatever you want on TV, cooking whatever you want for dinner (or just having ice cream if you want!), no one else's mess but your own to clean up. And it doesn't have to be forever. Just a year even. It gives you that time to yourself, and it gives you that security of knowing that if the relationship fails, or if he dies (obviously we hope that doesn't happen) or whatever, that you can pay your own bills and take care of yourself.
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Old 08-20-2010, 12:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Unhappy Re: Parents won't understand

Thank you all,
I've tried talking to them saying i'm moving out by myself but the thing is i do not want to be by myself.
I don't like with my mom, just my sister and my dad, so i pretty much take care of things around like a mom. I've been paying the bills since i was 18 and I know how to take care of myself and my family too.
I want to move out beause it is something I've wanted since I was 16. I like to be independent, have my own things and remodeling my room and buying things for my parents house is not as rewarding. I want my place, my furniture, my pets, my own things. My fiance (a civil engineer with a good job) comes in the picture because he wants to get married next year, so it basically will come the day when we move out. He's also like a best friend so i want to share most of my time with him, travel together, cook, wake up together and go to work, come back home and share our daily stuff.
I know I'm 23 and young, but I think much older. I'm very organized, i don't party, smoke or drink, i like to stay home and read my books, i love cooking and having a healthy life style. I'm working my way to medical school btw. He's the same too, He's 28, buddhist, loves planting, a quiet lifestyle, he doesn't smoke/party or drink either, loves animals, hardworker and working on a second major, so why not?
He's basically everything my parents would like in a son in law, actually my dad likes him (my dad is an architect so they talk a lot) and I know he'll be ok wit my decision, but my mom, she doesn't like anybody. None of my friends likes my mom, sometimes i don't either, my dad divorced her for a reason, and my sister cried after they got divorced not to live with her. Sorry this is too long, but yeah, i guess i'll have to leave one day without their (mostly hers) blessing, which is kinda sad, because he is a good man.
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Old 08-20-2010, 01:52 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Parents won't understand

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Originally Posted by Anya View Post
Thank you all,
I've tried talking to them saying i'm moving out by myself but the thing is i do not want to be by myself.
I don't like with my mom, just my sister and my dad, so i pretty much take care of things around like a mom. I've been paying the bills since i was 18 and I know how to take care of myself and my family too.
I want to move out beause it is something I've wanted since I was 16. I like to be independent, have my own things and remodeling my room and buying things for my parents house is not as rewarding. I want my place, my furniture, my pets, my own things. My fiance (a civil engineer with a good job) comes in the picture because he wants to get married next year, so it basically will come the day when we move out. He's also like a best friend so i want to share most of my time with him, travel together, cook, wake up together and go to work, come back home and share our daily stuff.
I know I'm 23 and young, but I think much older. I'm very organized, i don't party, smoke or drink, i like to stay home and read my books, i love cooking and having a healthy life style. I'm working my way to medical school btw. He's the same too, He's 28, buddhist, loves planting, a quiet lifestyle, he doesn't smoke/party or drink either, loves animals, hardworker and working on a second major, so why not?
He's basically everything my parents would like in a son in law, actually my dad likes him (my dad is an architect so they talk a lot) and I know he'll be ok wit my decision, but my mom, she doesn't like anybody. None of my friends likes my mom, sometimes i don't either, my dad divorced her for a reason, and my sister cried after they got divorced not to live with her. Sorry this is too long, but yeah, i guess i'll have to leave one day without their (mostly hers) blessing, which is kinda sad, because he is a good man.
If you are so mature, and independent why your parents disagree with you?
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Old 08-20-2010, 08:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Parents won't understand

Because they are old fashioned. They want me to finish school, travel the world by myself and get to enjoy life more as a single person, which I don't agree with.
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Old 09-19-2010, 12:40 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Parents won't understand

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Because they are old fashioned. They want me to finish school, travel the world by myself and get to enjoy life more as a single person, which I don't agree with.
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They don't want to let you go live by yourself, but would leave you go travel the world by yourself?! They don't seem like old fashioned to me.
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Old 11-20-2010, 08:11 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Parents won't understand

A woman needs to learn to be independent, before she becomes interdependent.
You are caught in childlike dependence on your parent's approval. You are also going to be too dependent on your husband, if you don't learn to stand on your own two feet.
Not everyone will agree with your choices. That doesn't make your decisions wrong.
I fled my parent's home with nothing but the clothes on my back. I was 21 and I was tired of having oppressive, sexist rules; my parents are very old fashioned.
I was at the point where I knew that I would strike back at my abusive mother.
I lived on my own for six years before I moved in with my husband, when we were engaged. It was hard, but I wouldn't trade those years for the world. I gained confidence in my ability to function in the world.

Live for yourself. Move out on your own before moving in with your man.
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