SA, I will look at the thread, but I am going to have to focus on work. The weekend is ending for me. I'm not sure how much time I will have to respond there. I will if I can.
I will say here that I think I see some errors in logic in the personal evidence you are drawing from your own experience. It seems that you got beyond what should have been inhibitions prior to marriage, but that didn't stop the repression in marriage.
Once again, I don't think it's as simple as "If parents do X, then kids will respond by doing Y." That means that when a kid rebels, it is not necessarily a result of the parent being too strict, or too lax, or too anything. More than anything, it is a result of the kid having a free choice, and exercising that. Parents do the best they can, but there are no guaranteed results. We're not mechanical.
We've focused so much on sex, though, that I think in our discussions we are losing the balance of how marriage as a whole was taught in my case, and in the case of my wife. This is where the hazard of our super short courtship comes in more than in the sexual area in my opinion. Let me put this in balance from where I see it, please.
First, my wife was raised in a Buddhist household. Sex was not discussed in her household, and she got minimal education, and then, it was just in time. She told me that when she started her first period she cried because she thought something was seriously wrong with her. Her mother and sisters laughed at her for crying,then explained to her what was happening. Her sex education was likewise minimal. Her mother began telling her about sex in marriage when she came to visit us before our wedding, and continued as we were married. It's nice to have a mother in law who is willing to help like that
. My wife converted to Christianity shortly before she met me.
My mother taught me that God invented sex, and He thought it was a good idea or He wouldn't have invented it. She told me it was for full expression in marriage. For me, sex was a reason to look forward to marriage.
However; my mother taught me that there is more to marriage than sex. She taught me to respect women, and my dad reinforced that by living it in front of us. My dad worked very hard, so mom was the one that was with us most of the time during teaching times. But dad always reinforced what she taught, and he showed it by example. I have many fond examples of my dad's behavior in other areas as well. I don't know if he knew I was watching, but he always behaved like he expected me to be watching and learning.
My mom also taught me that marriage was about love, friendship, companionship, partnership, and building a family. These were always things I wanted, so marriage was never something I was afraid of. I was, in fact, foolishly bold, but it worked out. The short courtship we had did not really give me time to know if I could have all of these things with my wife, but I beleived I could, and it worked out for me. When I say I wouldn't recommend a courtship like ours, I mean I would want the couple to have a chance to begin developing some of these things.
Now, truth is, I trust my wife 100%. She is my best friend. She is my buddy and my companion. For partnership, she is very capable in the tasks she takes on in our division of labor, and she partners with me to guard our health, morality, etc. We have a beautiful family together (3 kids: 2 homemade, and 1 adopted). She is a wonderful mother. And she is a fantastic sex partner. Sure, we've had our rough patches, but all in all, my marriage is exactly what my mother taught me it should be, and it was my mother's teaching that made me aware that I needed to develop those things. I saw in my dad that a man could do that, and I saw in the two of them together what I wanted in a marriage and family. Our family is different, but it has developed the same things. My mother nailed it. It was my choice whether or not to listen, but I'm glad I did.
(Maybe I should say, in the spirit of being honest, that my wife was not my first girlfriend. However; the first was bad news. I'm glad now that my mom and my dad both recognized it and talked to me about that. It made me angry at the time that they didn't like her, but when I thought about it, I saw their point. Fortunately, that girlfriend took herself out of the picture with her actions before I actually rebelled ... don't know if I would have actually rebelled, but it is the closest I ever came to it. Afterwards, I did see that mom and dad were absolutely right about her.)
Absolutely, sex is an important part of marriage. I understand there were problems for you in the past, and I am sorry that happened. My experience was very different even though I was taught abstinence until marriage. I was taught about this in a very positive way, though. I would say that although sex is important in marriage, it wouldn't mean much if I didn't have the friendship, companionship, partnership, and love from my wife. Now, we also have family, and many pleasant memories that we can share ... getting old together and sharing memories was another thing I always thought would be pleasant about marriage.
You know what? Nights on the road when I start writing about her, I really miss her. I'll be back to her on Friday night ... Fortunately, I don't have to travel much anymore. I have a great wife ... EDIT:
I know this is long, but let me add one of my dad's examples. This is one of my favorite stories. When I was growing up, mom and dad always taught us to not be greedy. We weren't to rush in and grab food before everyone else, but take our turns. And we were told it was greedy to always grab the biggest piece of cake or biggest of anything.
One time when I was about 6 or 7, dad said he would split a coke with me since we only had one bottle of it in the house. He got two glasses and poured back and forth trying to fill them evenly, but he didn't let the foam settle all the way before moving from one to the other. When he finished pouring, one of the glasses had a little more than the other. It wasn't much, but it was noticeable. I wanted the glass with more coke, naturally, but I remembered what they always taught me. Since I wanted one, but knew what I was taught, I hesitated to reach for either one of them. Dad, without hesitation, reached out and took the glass with less coke in it.
I've never forgotten that little scene. Dad always lived what he told us, even if he didn't realize I was watching, or why I was watching. I've never forgotten his example.