Well, I just wanted to share that although I had moved out for almost 2 weeks now. Last night H and I finally met and talked about where we want to go from here. I came with a note of two options. First one is if he wants to reconcile then he needs to cut all contacts with that girl, marriage counseling for us, then he will have to take me on all his out of town business trip. Second option is for us to really go out separate ways and how to deal with child custody.
He apologized for not being the best husband I deserve and had done some mean thoughtless things to hurt me in the past. He looked sincere and so miserable (he lost a lot of weights) and he said he wants us to try to salvage our marriage. He agreed with all the things I asked if we're to reconcile while before the idea of seeing a marriage counselor repulsed him.
Asked him if he's going to be in this 150% or not because I can't fix us alone...again, he agreed.
I'm not moving back in right away, we'll be going to see the marriage counselor this weekend (still waiting to hear from her), and see from there...it won't be easy as we have so much issues we both need to work on but at least we had agreed that it's worth saving for.
I was so ready to move on before I met him but I guess seeing him again made me change my mind and make me willing to work on us again even if it's for the last time. God forbid, but if it's not working...I could walk away knowing that I had given this marriage my all.
Thank you guys for all your supports from the moment I joined this site. I'm praying for you all and whatever your situations might be.
Currently we really are taking baby steps right now. Our son is with him since yesterday and I really miss being home with them. Our first counseling session will start this Monday. We both agree that I'll move back in once we both are ready.
I had found a great counselor that although does not familiar with Dr. Harvey's Marriage Builder principals are willing to explore it with me and even told me to bring the materials for her to check on. So fingers crossed.
Well, the first counseling session is already set for Monday at 7PM but I just found out tonight that H will have to go out of town tomorrow. Although he said it would just be a day trip (he'll fly with the first flight out and come back with the last flight in) I'm starting to get worry because knowing the kind of job that he's doing...things happens all the time. He did said that he will be there, we suppose to meet the counselor at her apartment.
Please wish me luck that he will be there for our counseling, guys...I'm having a really mixed up feelings right now doubting that this will work or not. I even emailed him today asking if he has been completely honest about the whole OW or not and he said he has but I just still have that nagging feeling inside me that he's not telling the truth and this is eating me up inside.
Keep your head up! Try not to focus on it until the time comes. I know its easier said than done, but if you continue to its just going to eat you alive.
I think that what your feeling is normal. Your trust has been shattered, and its impossible for it to be fully restored, especially in such a short span of time. I think until actual progress is made, you need to accept that you will continue to feel this way. I understand that it hurts like mad, and even while you two are working together to fix everything, its still is going to be burning a hole in the back of your mind.
Look at the positive, he agreed to go with you! Its a step in the right direction! I can understand that him having to go away on business bothers you, especially right now, but try to keep the faith that he will be there. And if he does not, at least you wil be there and have someone to talk to, and hopefully you can take comfort in knowing that you at least gave it a shot.
I really hope everything works out for you. Stay strong for you and your child.
I am typing this and shaking...I just don't know what to do anymore.
He told me that nothing happen with that OW, that the emails I found in his Sent folder to this chinese name email address is for his friend that he tried to hook up her with. Well, guess what...I cracked that email and it was his email. Found their emails and him telling her how much he love her, his emails booking a female escort service when he went out of the country...
I'm just so lost...I can't think I don't know what else to do
I even emailed him today asking if he has been completely honest about the whole OW or not and he said he has but I just still have that nagging feeling inside me that he's not telling the truth and this is eating me up inside.
Best of luck to you, HOWEVER...always go with your gut feeling..it has NEVER failed me where my husband is concerned.
Go, but do it for yourself and your child. In all seriousness, you need to take steps to protect yourself now. I wouldn't expect him to be there, if you do and he doesn't show...well, you end up like I did, spending an hour sobbing. Worst $100 I ever spent!
If you haven't done so yet, make copies of all the emails you find, and anything else that seems suspicious. Contact a divorce lawyer, and get as much information as you possibly can.
I agree with Sue 110%. You need to trust your instincts, and from what you posted it seems pretty obvious that, yes, he is lieing to you.
I'm very sorry to see that things aren't turning out the way you expected. Keep the faith, but realize that it might be time to let go and take care of yourself and child.
I had made up my mind to go anyway whether he comes or not at least I'm hoping the counselor might be able to help me make sense of all these lies he told me all these years.
He clearly doesn't want to give up his beloved OW but also doesn't want to get divorce and I had told him today that I will not stay in a marriage with someone else looming in the background. He told me: "I told you I want to do this, but if I go you have to delete all those emails that you sent yourself including the pics...you know I really can't believe you did that. I would have never even thought about doing that or even impersonating you online...." Can you believe it? Now he's mad that I snoop around and actually got to talk with the OW who confirmed they had a lovely fantastic weekend together.
So I went ahead to the counselor without a care anymore if H will show up or not. I got there early, then suddenly H showed up. He and I both waited by the lobby for almost half an hour and I can't even look at him because I feel so angry inside.
The counselor was great. She asked us how it all started...the problems through out the years. H answered her mostly while I just sat there trying so hard not to bawls my eyes out. She quickly offered the possibility of me having a post partum depression after she heard from H about my very difficult pregnancy (I had a severe preeclampsia, was hospitalized twice, stayed on a bed-rest for 1 whole month and our son was born 5 weeks early with breathing problem) and I told her I don't know for sure because I didn't tell anyone how awful I felt at the time.
She then asked me what I wanted and I told her honestly before I found all these emails in H's fake email account I was so determined to work things out but now I'm not sure anymore. When she asked H if there is a third person be it a friend or whatever he wants to call it, H said yes but she's nothing but a friend (remember, in his emails he calls her sweetheart, he professed his love) and they had mutually agree to end things between them. This is when I whipped those emails out and showed H. The counselor refused to see them out of her professionalism I guess. She then explained that for us to work on the marriage first the third person needs to be out of the picture. H just sat there and didn't say a thing. She asked "If you feel like you are having problem letting that other person go or end things with her...we can also address that and work on it." Again, silent from his part.
I just can't believe that he sat there and still denies everything when the OW and I chat (well she thought I was him) and she told me what a fantastic weekend they just had.
The counselor then pointed that I had become obsessive in finding proof of their affair to which I agree because like I said before my gut feeling has been telling me he's not telling the truth.
She explained that for us to move on and for me to gain the trust back H needs to cut all contacts with the OW and make it as transparent as possible. She even suggested H to write a 'breakup email' that he must show me first before sending out or she said for H to take me and introduce me to the OW which will show the OW that he is really married and had chose to stay with his wife.
She also said that until the trust is regain H can't complain about me not trusting him enough because the trust has already been breech. (He was so upset that I 'stoop' so low to crack opened his fake account and impersonating him). She said H will also have to allow me to check every email accounts he have and go through his cell phone (this is hard, we are using prepaid so...).
I suppose to come back on Friday for a one on one session with her and H will see her on Monday same time.
Again, part of me wish H would admitted everything and apologize to me wholeheartedly the way some of these husbands I read that had an affair but repent...he just sat there said my biggest mistake was putting up with how cold she was when we were still living in AL!
So after I got home, I chatted with him using our blackberry messenger:
Me: Let me ask u, are you going to let go of her and do what D said or not? Because if u won't there's no point to even fix this marriage
Me: Because if not then you and i can use the counseling money to file for divorce
H: You know the way ur talking u already make up ur mind..
Me: I make up my mind that i WILL NOT put up with another lie from u!
H: If u listened when we were there u would have heard but u were to obsessed with showing ur evidence and proving I'm wrong..
Me: U drove me to be obsessed because u keep lying and cant tell me that infact ur affair is still going strong!
Me: All i wanted to hear is you telling me it will STOP and you are sorry but i guess u could never say that.
H: I am not going to argue and go back and forth over this tonight.
After I calm down, I emailed him and give him one week to come up with a decision either the OW goes or I will. Even the counselor said in a marriage there's no room for a third person because it sucked the life out of the marriage.
I'm just so depressed right now my stomach hurts so bad.
I applaud your standing up for yourself. I think that you are handling this beautifully. Don't let him drag you down and make you feel like a snoop, you are not in the wrong here at all.
I'm glad you went regardless if he showed or not, your making progress for yourself, and thats truly what you need to do.
Don't expect a miracle and for everything to be restored overnight. You have every right to feel the way you do, so don't backslide. Put your foot down and stand firm. He betrayed you, its up to him to earn your trust back. Just keep in mind that you do not owe him anything.
And stick to your guns. If he doesn't prove to you that he's cut of communication with her, then steel yourself and go. Let him face the consequances of his actions.
Thank you for your supportive words. I'm glad I didn't crack under the pressure when he told the counselor that they're just friends. I do like this counselor and I do admit to her that I have anger issues (partly because I bottled things up inside then just explode out of control).
Right now I'm not expecting anything, part of me is eager to jumped out of this crazy emotional roller coaster ride he and I called marriage but part of me still do love him.
Even my MIL said he does have problems with lying and being deceitful can you believe that?
You're a great person CG and I can just tell by how you write here and you don't deserve to be treated like that by her. I will keep you in my prayers! Stay strong too!
Thank you as well, your support and that of all the others has truly been a blessing to me right now...althought I know me marriage is over, I hope I can at least help to save someone else's.
When it comes down to it, we all have some issues...some personal demons that we need to face day to day. The fact that you can recognize that you have anger issues will help you to overcome them. Hopefully, with the help of you, the counselor, and your H's family, he can come to realize his own issues and work to overcome them as well. And it doesn't surprise me that much that the MIL told you what you already knew about him, those closest to us can usually see the truth.
I understand where you are coming from completely. Don't give up yet, but do what you must to brace yourself for what may come.
CG, thank you for your kind words. I really am grateful that I 'stumble' my way to this forum a couple of months ago and I really can't thank enough for everyone whose not only being so kind but very supportive. Yes, I agree I feel that way too, I may not offer much help but at least by sharing what I has been through maybe can help others.
I'm a product of hard childhood although my parents were great but my father used to have anger issues and corporal punishments were always there when I was little so maybe just maybe it plays some role in how I can't handle my anger and channel it properly all these years.
He just emailed me basically asking me to stop telling him what to do "and as far as the other thing goes, I got myself into it so you have to let me handle it and get myself out of it my own way" was his exact words...
Either he is trying to cut the OW off or the A had gone deeper underground because I did found out today that his 'fake' email has been deleted, and so does the OW's two email accounts.
I had posted in Coping with Infidelity section and gotten some really helpful suggestions from AffairCare and Tanelornpete also Turnera about Plan B, which is basically the last resort to save this marriage and I am seriously thinking about it because I can't keep pushing him to end things if he doesn't want to do it, and at the moment I'm in a point where I feel like I have nothing left to give to him other than what's left of this love I have inside. Maybe by cutting all communications with him will at least show him that he can't have his cake and eat it too. This is a big and hard step to make but I just can't continues meeting his emotional needs while he's still running around with her. If Plan B failed, I need to prepare myself for the worst and I will use the time 'away' from him to work on that.