greeneyeddolphin

I would keep going to counseling with her, if that's what she wants, but I wouldn't get your hopes up that you two will get back together. Although she occasionally seems wishy-washy, for the most part, she does generally seem to stick to a theme of being unhappy with you and wanting to be done with the relationship.

It's hard to let go, whether you're the one doing the letting go or the one being let go. She's going to feel a lot of the same confusion and doubt that you are. I think if you really want any chance at all of getting her to come home, the best thing to do is to go to counseling and try to get to know her as she is now. Don't ask her anymore to come home, don't pressure her, don't even give her any indication you still want her to come home. A lack of attention from you, a lack of pressure, of desire to see/be with her, may be the only thing that will bring her back.

anonymus

I think ur wife still loves u and wants to be with you. She is hoping that u will step up tour act and be the man she fell in love with. From ur posts I note that u r just taking a laid back approach to it...as if she has to take all the necessary steps. Make her feel like number one...she needs her happiness, let her know how much she means to u rather thaa just the fact that u want a reco for the children. That's secondary. Wake up she is suggesting therapy and holding off the divorce for a reason. She doesn't have to move into the house for you to show her all this....find ways even though she is were she is.

Zulu

MMm, hear what both sides say.... I have a gut fel that she is still a bit betwixt and between.... any way on the 4th of this month, I wrote her a letter, and gave it to her... then later went to her flat and wanted to give her flowers, she was getting into a taxi, so just followed it, to a guys house where she stayed the night...

anyway, here is the letter, you guys can flame away.... we are going to a joint session next week some time, she may make her intentions clearer then.

My Dearest XXXXXXXX, beautiful wife and mother of our most awesome boys.

Mere words cannot begin to describe the time that we have not been together. The total loneliness. The emptiness of not having my friend and companion with me. It has been absolutely horrible. This home is not a home with out you. You are a big part of the treasure that makes it such a special place. The home is just not the same with out you. It is a mere shell.

Waking up everyday and not seeing you, going to sleep every night not hearing you is terrible. Hearing the tinkle of your laughter, your beautiful voice.

Xxxxxxx, we have both made mistakes, said and done things that has caused pain and tears. You have my offer of my acceptance. You will get my forgiveness. There will also be a need for forgiveness from you.

Using this letter, communicating to you that life is just not the same without you, hardly worth living. Let us be brave. Brave and strong and make the effort to put our family back in our home. Let us continue building on the treasures that we have and can still have together.

Us being together is a treasure, more valuable than all the riches in the world, it is infinitely valuable, together we can achieve anything. Our little family will be so much stronger for us being together, to build a future together, to live that future and look back and be happy and contented. Happy that we made the choice to want a life together.

The experience that we will have gained from these circumstances, will let us know, that overcoming this, will make us stronger, wiser. We will be able to stand together and be impervious. Together we will be able to stand and watch our two wonderful creations grow and flourish, and be able to honestly look each other in the eye one day and say, “well done, it was worth it”. Only we can overcome this. Pretty much anything will then pale into insignificance

Only we have the power to make these changes, to chart the future, to sail to new and unexplored destinations, exciting adventures, daunting challenges, plotting a brand new course into the future.

You will not regret it Xxxxxxxx, that is a promise.

All my love

Zulu

Well, it is 5 months now, yep, can you believe how the time has gone by. I am still sad and miss her. She seems on her own mission, but maybe one day she will realise that this was all a mistake, or maybe not. Maybe we will get back together and maybe not.

I am actually wondering how I will react if she did want to get back, I am not going to ask her, or should I.... was going to leave that up to her.

diane

It seems like she needs space. She misses being alone and doing things for herself. You probably don't have the same issue because you don't seem to understand how she is reasoning. any news about the therapy?

BlueEyedBeauty

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Zulu

So, blue eyed beauty, you reckon I must still hang in there a bit longer and just keep doing the "backing off" thing and see where it goes. We have a me and then her and then together with the councillor this week hopefully... see what she says, and even if she says she wants a divorce, SHE must get it going and I will still wait or what....

Zulu

Ok, so bit more info. On the 11th we have a joint with the councillor and so should get some more clarity there, she wants to talk about finances and the children. Also, the last few days she has been e-mailing me and making arrangements for the children etc.. picking up and dropping off etc.... 2 children that need to be in 2 different places at the same time on Saturday... she also came by the house this morning and let my youngest come in to get his cricket bat. She did call from outside, something which she never normally did. She also starts her text messages with "Hi" and ends with "S"... as in her mails... I am just wondering if this is not some kind of realisation she has had, or just her trying to be amicable, or testing the water for a recon... or if she just wants to be friends.

Those that have been in this situation before, is this a pattern or am I just hyper sensitive. I have in the last 2 months not initiated contact by either text or e-mail or calling her. We have had 2 occassions of my son's birthday that we were all together but I was cool, and not trying to get her back or what ever... just being "backed off".

I know this is a hard one because each case on it's merits and each person is different... but don't be afraid to post your opinion.

Zulu

MMM, OK, so today is the 11th, and the day we are having a joint with the councillor, I am dreading it, because I was at the councillor as was she, last week and the councillor told me that she is coming to a decision. Dreading it, like someone who is innocent of a crime, but has a bad defence attorney... going back into the court room to hear the verdict of the jury....

Just some background. In Saturday, my son had a dance show. The little dance school that he attends lessons at, was showcasing the work that the students do. He had a rehersal at 12:00 which his mother said she will take him to. Then they had another rehersal at 16:30 and the show at 18:30. She also wanted to take him to the second rehersal. Anyway, so it came to show time, she had bought tickets for herself, me and my youngest son... so we watched the show and it was fantastic, was so nice to actually sit next to her, all be it with my youngest son between us. Anyway, at the interval, she went to help serve tea and coffe. I cannot tell you how nice it looked to see her there doing that... it was BEAUTIFUL. Anyway, so then the 2nd half of the show and then afterwards she had to help wash up the cups etc.

Then my oldest announces that he wants his mom to take him home, to which I agree, no problem...(her flat is pretty much right next to the location where the show was) and so me and my youngest go home together.

She and my oldest apparently had a chat and he said some nasty things to her, about hating her and the such like, do not know exactly what, but he came in fuming and she drove away from the house like an Indy Car at the drop of the flag...

Oh boy, so dreading this afternoon, but will know then, either way... what will be what. I know I still love her dearly.. have been backed off from her for 2 months now, with Saturday being the first time in 3 weeks that I have actually seen her face to face. We only communivcate via Cell phone Texting and e-mail...

I am hoping an praying that she will make a decision FOR US, for us to be together as a family, but also know, that if she does not, and wants to get a divorce, that I have pretty much done all I could to try and make things happen. She said she wanted space, I gave her space, she said I must back off, I did, I had to keep body and soul together in a very difficult time, had to look after and manage the house of which she is a 50% owner, had to manage my oldest 100% of the time and the youngest 4 out of 7 days a week... so, I will know that by God's grace, I have done what I could in the situation and if she does decide to end it, it will be her decision. I have decided that for me there will be only one option, and that is to get together and make our situation work. Divorce for me is not an option. If she wants a divorce, she will have to do it...

Well, it is now 09:00 here in A wet and Rainy Cape Town, 8 and a half hours till I enter the "court room".. I know I have God on my side, and feel that the strength I had and needed to get me this far could not have had a source anywhere else. My friends have told me, that they cannot believe I have held out so long, with out resorting to alcohol or medication.

Well, wish me all the best.. I will post later today, after the meeting as to what transpired... I pray that God will help her make a decision to return home.

Zulu

It is over and done, she wants to end the marriage. So well, there you have it. She cannot bear to be in the same room as me, she does not even like being near me.

Zulu

Oh well, now it is the 1st of November and she has moved into her appartment, 6 months out of the house. This is her second appartment and now she wants us to sell the house, that I am living in. I cannot afford the mortgage alone and nor can she. Any way, my youngest is still going to her Sunday and Monday and Tuesday night. My oldest, who will turn 16 in December, has after much encouragement from me, decided to go to her tonight, and hope that he may want to go more. It is just him putting out his anger towards her. Trying to talk to him about it.

He really has bad feelings for her and well, according to the councillor, this is pretty much normal. The thing is, she is expecting me, who is still at home with him, to do the whole build up job on him.

I suppose I have not given up hope, although the chances that something may happen is slim. I actually spoke to her last night on the phone, and we spoke about all kinds of things, but as soon as I want to talk about "us" she doesn't want to talk. I did ask her if she is seeing someone at the moment but got the standard negative reply.

I just feel that I am still quite invested in her and really would like to have her back, why... well don't know what is driving me to do this, I know I still love her but just cannot move on with things. Still hoping that she will come out of her "fog"...

Is it worth it, or should I move on and get the love I deserve? I have been praying that we get back together, so, I wait.

Zulu

Just an up date...

Ok, things are pretty much the same, she has been in appartment 2 for almost a month now. My youngest still goes to her as normal Sun Mon and Tuesday. My oldest who did not want to go to her, now kind of uses her place as a dos house, because his girlfriend literally live accross the road. Sure this was a definite plus when she took the appartment, knowing he would not be able to resist the convenience of being close to his girl friend.

OK, so Friday night and saturday night the oldest was by her. The youngest was by me. Anyway she comes home on a Sunday afternoon to collect the youngest and she normally comes into the house to pack his bags and then they go. This Sunday(yesterday), I packed his bags, or at least helped him to pack them and he met her by the gate, I didn't even go and say hello, which I didn't do anyway... but then they left and well that was me on my own.

I still have this very strong gut feel that she is going to want to get together, still no divorce papers. The councillor says to me, "what is the difference between now, being separated and her "****ing around" to actually being divorced."

Suppose she does have a point, but I am still a bit sad and miss her and sleep lonely, but the raw pain is not there anymore, just the dull aches for her. Someone asked me what I would do if she wants to come back, and I said that will have to wait for an answer when the question comes, if it ever comes.

I am not over her and probably defintely not ready to move on... and find someone else... suppose that will eventually come but for the time being I am just "BE ING", as my councillor told me to do. Get on with your own life, go out and have fun etc.

The councillor tells me I will feel like this for a long time, like on a plateau.... but will meet someone and it will go away, like I posted in a nother thread, just for a while will feel good.

That woman that I met was a bit of a crazy, and so let her know I am not interested. Councillor says that eventually I WILL meet someone and those "crazy" feelings will not be there and I will just feel comfortable and happy and not have those "red flag" alerts and it will go from there.... whatever... wonder if it is like that. She also told me that it will take a while, at least a year... so must not expect too much...

Anyway, that is just an update on my situation.

(still hopeful)

Zulu

My take on this is strange, she said she wanted to be out of the marriage and wanted space, bust she is hooking up with guys, she does not want sex with me, and says that all I wanted was sex, but yet she has sex with strangers, or meet a guy for drinks and a few days later sleep with him. She wanted to be free, but gets into new relationships, wants to be alone. AWAY from ME, but with other guys. She wants to see the boys, but not too much...

What is going on with this woman, is this normal. Is this midlife crisis.

Am I going to get on with things and as soon as I am settled, gonna be faced with a decision, facing a tearfull and sorry woman.

Is this a trend, has any one expirienced this, am I being a fool waiting to start the divorce?

I JUST DO NOT KNOW.... WHAT EVER.... CLEVER PEOPLE GIVE ME SOME INPUT HERE PLEASE. Those that have walked this road... I am on a rollercoaster ride.....

F-102

I don't advocate divorce, but here, I may. Get yourself a good lawyer and start making a battle plan.

Zulu

Ok, so a few days down the line and I get this e-mail from my councillor, she ould not explain more even though I asked, going to see her in 2 hours...

Hi there,

I hope that you are well. I had a session with Sxxxxxx this morning, she is Ok with me discussing it with you. She has talked about the current situation, and how and where she feels she needs to go.

There were some interesting facts that came out of the session and possibilities. I don't know if you want to see me or not, but there were a few interesting points that may be of benefit to you going forward, essentially she feels that you and she need to talk, but I can help you if you want with the ideas and proposals that she has, in fact, it may be a very good turn for you, not quite sure.

Let me know how you feel, no pressure from my side, but if you do want to see me I do have a slot at 3.30 today if you want it, just let me know.


Will post an update later... mmm, wel it can be one of 2 things, ha ha, yep... either she wants a divorce or she wants to come home.....