Should I be happy or is she just trying to be nice

Zulu · 12-06-2010, 10:57 AM

It is divorce, she has come with an offer and wants to get things moving, oh well...

F-102 · 12-06-2010, 04:58 PM

Sorry bud, I know you tried.

Zulu · 12-07-2010, 12:28 AM

So now we go ahead, at the councillor yesterday, I was there alone, the lady told me that there is someone she is seeing and well, while she is in this "stage", there is pretty much nothing I can do, the "in love" stage... so would be best for me to get on with it, not be difficult, because it will only hamper my recovery and cause me more pain than I already have.

Well, suppose this thread should now be moved to the going through divorce.

Zulu · 12-10-2010, 04:31 AM

Bit of a move on, we have had the realtors in and the house is now officially on the market. Time to pack and chuck all the clutter out and well, start looking for a new nest.

geo · 12-11-2010, 01:56 AM

hopefully a new location will be a sort of blessing for you. you have been through the ringer and deserve some peace in your life. I hope that the move will help you heal enough to find some happiness in your life, wish you good luck in your future !

Zulu · 12-11-2010, 02:24 PM

Thanks. It is officially or what ever, seven months, it is hard not to remember that the date she left was the 8th of the month, NOT that I am counting, but will sort of always be a date that sticks in my mind, just like the date we met and the rest of the dates that we had in our life together....

Zulu · 12-27-2010, 02:46 AM

Hi all you all on TAM, hope those that celebrate Christmas had a wonderful time, of peace and goodwill, and didn't over eat or overspend.

Oh well, Christmas has come and gone, my first Christmas "alone"... My boys went with her on Christmas day to her parents, sent a gift with them, just something small. My youngest gave her a coffee mug, my oldest a coffee plunger and I gave her the coffee. She never said thanks or even acknowledges the gift.. but the record will show, I gave it to her.

I am now going away for a few days to the sea, to do a spot of fishing and may just get lucky and catch one of them fish, that everyone is saying the sea is full of... yeah right. Go and google GANSBAAI, pretty much at the Southern tip of Africa, beautiful holiday place.... if you ever come to Sunny South Africa, will let you stay in our house there, kind of a very basic house, with no frills, has clean beds, warm water and well, when you walk in, you feel like you are on holiday.

I am still hurting terribly, and it really pains me to have to talk to her at all, she is so far away, with someone else and cannot even imagine that she will ever seek a reconciliation, but suppose that is how it is meant to be.

I still pray for it, and hope that it will happen, but don't know... my oldest son who was totally against her, is now staying by her, so, well, suppose that was also meant to be. NOTHING more I can do....

Well, will try and hook into my mobile and take a look at the site now and then, and hopefully post a pic of a fish, a real one mind you, the swimmy smelly kind!!!!

MsLonely · 12-27-2010, 03:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zulu

Hi All. I am married for almost 16 years and have 2 boys, 16 and 10. My wife left 38 days ago to go live in a flat. She has the means to support herself etc and I was left in the house with the 2 boys. She told me that she does not love me, and has no feelings for me. She also said she performed oral on a guy and had a one night stand with another. We still communicate etc, and she has the boys on Sunday and Monday nights.

I am not so sure about the incidents she told me, but may be in denial that my wife would do such a thing. She is 44 and I am 43.

Well, like I said we do still communicate and I am not ready to divorce and she has said nor is she. The boys are not happy with all that is going on around them, I have tried as much as I can to explain to them that mommy still loves them etc etc etc, but they want to know, then why did she leave and leave them behind... no disrespect to me.... but any way... Tomorrow is my birthday and she has suggested that we all go see a movie and have a lunch together...

Either she is trying to get the message accross that she may want back in, OR, she is just trying to show the boys that she still loves them and has some lttle respect for their father on his birthday and that is why she is trying to do this.

I am pretty much 100% sure that there is no one else in her life..., well... as sure as I can be...

To the esteemed on this board, what should I do. Have been going out etc and having friends over and BBQs at my house etc for World Cup Football games and generally having a good time. Will be going on a week long fishing trip on the 27th with my boys etc...

Should I wait around, or should I move on, is this signs from her side that maybe living on your own in a flat is not as good as it is cut out to be, and maybe the family life wasn't so bad after all, and maybe in her solitude, has discovered that maybe she does still have feelings for me.... Heaven knows, still have very strong feelings for her... and she darn well knows it...

Someone, please hit me with a stick

Open marriage can be a solution? If I discover my husband cheats again, this is what I'm going to propose because we both love each other as a family but if the connection & chemistry can't be found back & then affair is likely to occur again.

My next step would be an open marriage. I don't want my marriage to be bugged by affairs, either his or mine.

I love him, so he doesn't have to stay in the jail of marriage. He can still enjoy love, passion & chemistry when he needs to.

Under this thing, the OW should be informed that it's just a discreet relationship, vice & versa.

We're married couple & we can set the rules.

MsLonely · 12-27-2010, 03:31 AM

I don't know how to hit you with a stick.

You can try to work on your marriage especially the sparks & connection things with your wife & see if she would fall back in love with you.

You need her participation as well. You can't work on marriage by yourself.

Communication is the key. She must have the same target with you. She must be informed, understood, and willing to work on the marriage with you. Only heaven knows you love her madly isn't enough. God won't tell her for you. You have to open your mouth & tell her how much she's desired and how you drool on her. Show her that you are so aroused for her only.

Women love to feel loved & desired. You need to show her & most importantly, she needs to show you love back.

Zulu · 01-08-2011, 04:31 PM

Well, today was 8 months that she has left, I saw her last on Christmas day 2010. She wants to come to the house tomorrow and get the last of her stuff, including her wedding dress, which is still in the cupboard, and some paper work. She said she wants to tidy up the boys rooms, so that they start the year with nice tidy rooms, and that when the estate agents come through, the rooms are nice and tidy. I have been battling with this, weather to tell her that it is not needed for her to come in and do it, I can do it myself, BUT, have not told her that she cannot. She did say that she would like me away from the house when she does it.

Communication has been logistics only, and she has said nothing more about divorce or anything, and I have not said anything either.

So, will see what tomorrow brings, I do not really think that she wants to come back, but whatever, it has been a long time now.

The hurt has gone away a bit but suppose after tomorrow, whaen she has taken the last of her stuff, it will hurt like mad, to know tha tshe has now finally gone. Suppose she will take her Piano and all the music ahe used to play that I always had pleasure listening to, oww, just thinking about it makes me a bit sad.

I miss her, but suppose with time, I will probably find someone new and be happy again, and once the house is sold, be able to move on. I still pray and ask God to afford me a miracle, nd let her have a change of heart, hope he is listening to me.

No idea what I will do if she wanted to come back, a lot of water has gone under the bridge. But then, if you pray for something, and you get it, you must take it I suppose, because then what is the point of praying.

Zulu · 01-09-2011, 08:38 AM

Oh well, she came, took most of her stuff, including her wedding dress that was hanging in the cupboard.

I left a framed 6x9 on the dresser, of our little family, with a copy of Fireproof(The Love Dare) and our 2 wedding rings on top of it, for her, she took all the other stuff, but left my wedding ring in the drawer of the dresser, suppose I know where this is going, but yeah, a token gesture to her, but don't think she really gives a toss anymore, and just wants to get on with her life... Who knows, maybe she reads the book, maybe she has already chucked it in the trash.

Oh well, suppose I must get on with mine, just sad that I have been given the hard sharp end of the stick, having to live in the house till it is sold, and having to have to pack the house up etc while she has had her freedom, but yeah, Hope Karma is kind to her one day.

Zulu · 01-25-2011, 03:54 AM

So, another 2 weeks have passed... and Saturday past, my son was mugged. He walked from his Girl friend's house, which is accross the road from his mother, the 75 metres he had to walk, got held up by a guy with a knife, and demanded his phone and wallet. I have told him that in this instance, just give the dam thing, it is only a phone. Insurance will get you another on, but insurance will not get me another son. Well he gave it up.

So, small thing, but what ever, such type of things would not have been happening had he not had to walk to her.

Ok.... la di daa, seeing as she has made no indication that she is comming to her senses, have met a nice lady, and I can tell you what, it feels really nice, to get the text message etc during the day, nothing hectic, just "hey hello, how is your day going?"... so nice.

Anyway, on and on we go, stronger and stronger each day!!!

Zulu · 01-28-2011, 03:01 PM

Ok, this is becoming a journal, and maybe someone is reading it following my progress and pain. Meeting someone, they are great, but just can't get that"chemistry" feeling, when you meet someone you like, but just like, NO spark so to speak.... just feels like you have met someone new at work, and well you get along and can chat about anything under the sun, but just can't see myself in a relationship. That type of "no chemistry" feeling....

Is this normal, or does it indicate that I am still not over "her" and need more time...

It feels good to get the texts and so, but suppose deep down I wish they came from my "wife"(in quotation marks because I am not sure what the hell she is....)

Powerbane · 01-28-2011, 03:13 PM

Zulu - it's going to take some time to heal.

Give it time and keep doing the dating thing. It will feel awkward at first but then you'll get back in the swing of it.

With the knowledge you've gained from this experience - you definitely came out a better man for it.

breathe · 02-02-2011, 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zulu

have met a nice lady, and I can tell you what, it feels really nice, to get the text message etc during the day, nothing hectic, just "hey hello, how is your day going?"... so nice.

when a new special someone treats you good, that feels great