anx

I would reconcile and make it work.

Trust does take a long time to rebuild. Say that want to take it slow.

People make stupid choices when hurt and stressed. If you are willing, take your wife back and build a great life together.

People do seriously change. I changed.

If I were you, I would call her and tell her you want to make it work, but need her to commit to MC.

eagleclaw

if you want to reconcile that is fine - but yes, I think you have to show strength and wait for her to come to you, and for her to convice you WHY you should put your faith in her and HOW she is going to enrich your life.

Because, if you don't do that - and you make it too easy for her you loose any respect that she has gained for you and she will realize that no matter what she does, or no matter what she says, or no matter how long she leaves you will be a doormat and take her back at a moments notice.

That is not a message you want to convey to her at his point. She needs to bring her A-game and woo you now.

Zulu

She wants back, must I play HTG and make her sweat a bit.... seems so much not like me, probably what got me in this mess in the 1st place.....

eagleclaw

I believe she needs to realize there is a consequence for these types of actions, and a very real possibility of losing her safety net. Without healthy fear of ones actions, there is no deterrent to repeating the same mistakes. I doubt you want to risk going through this again... plus I wouldn't even entertain it unless she showed REAL regret and remorse over her actions. Have you found out if she indeed DID perform oral on someone else? I think I would want to know this and her willingness to to be open and transparent regarding this.

Zulu

Well she has not said it to my face, that she wants to come back, her father told me. Was at the MC today and she said she believes that wife is genuine but she has always had a problem expressing herself, and that maybe she now doesn't know how to go about it, and is maybe waiting for me to make the first move, and then she will make a move.... as for having sex with someone else before she left 100% sure... am 100% certain that she has had sex with someone else, after she left... as well....

I actually do not know if I should invite her somewhere and then talk, but sure as sherlock, I want her to come clean with me, else I will not be interested in anything she has to say.

eagleclaw

IMO - her waiting for you to fix this is not appropriate. If she indeed wants to reconcile then it's on her to step out on the ledge. She put you guys where you are now, and I wouldn't bail her out and do the heavy lifting for her. If she can't even take that small step....... what can you expect from her going forward?

Also, part of the appeal of an affair is the newness, the challange of pursuing, the unknown. Your best move is to provide those things. Don't be predictable and a pushover. Make her work for it, be a challange and if you indeed want this, make it a challenge and a mystery how it's going to play out. And act differently then you would have in the past. Be mysterious and unpredictable. And take charge and keep it. But she needs to come after you........ it's the least she can do.

Did you also date and become intimate? She should know that she has competition now (not suggesting you need to sleep with anyone) . I know that sounds counter intuitive but she created this situation - and should realize that the possibility exists that you have other interests as well.

eagleclaw

I would assume her father is relaying anything you say back to her.

I would be inclined to use this to your advantage.

As in, the next time he tells you she wants to get back together I would tell him that you have seen nothing from her that would support that and you don't get that feeling. And your not even sure, given what she has done that you want that but your not discounting the possiblity either (leaving the door open) but that if she did indeed want to reconcile then it would be on her to come out and tell you that and to make the effort to convince you that she was sure, dedicated, remorseful, committed, and willing to put in the effort required to repair this. (and anything else that is a requirment on your part).

That way you are putting the ball in her court (where it rightfully should be) , and providing her an instruction manual on what is required by you, to even entertain this.

This is your CHANCE to set the bar for what you need/require/boundries in the marriage and from this point to defend religously.

F-102

Just tell dad that if she wants to know if reconciliation is an option, she has to talk to YOU, that you don't take "second-hand makeups".

Zulu

Oh what a glorius JOKE, called her and asked her a direct question, do you want to come home/make a go of it/ try again.... well, direct question got a direct answwer.... NO. Why would she do this type of thing... was she just fishing to see if she still had power over me.... or was it to say well I really do not know...

Powerbane

Let's just hope it's that she really doesn't know. Phone was not the best way to ask. It would have been better in person.
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eagleclaw

Now you should push along at suggesting you make the seperation more permanent and get the divorce process moving. She will either be suprised and backpeddle or welcome it. Either way, puts you in better position.

eagleclaw

And to answer your original question more directly:

Should I be happy or is she just trying to be nice

Yes, you should be happy! - Regardless of whether she is nice or not! Don't give her the power to control you!

Zulu

In the call I had with her yesterday afternoon, I said to her, I want and answer from you, I have waited long enough and want to get on with my life. If you do not call me tonight to tel me otherwise, I am going ahead, I have to make a call.

OK so I pushed her, and I know she does not react well under pressure, but this was time, I have waited long enough, and also sent her an e-mail just before I left work, and said... IT IS YOUR CALL.

Well at about 22:00 last night she called and we had a good long chat over the phone and I was alluding to the fact that I am now going to go ahead with the divorce and want to get on with my life. I told her I am on a dating site and am quite overwhelmed with the attention I have been getting and if she is not going to make a move now, I will, and also told her that once I have made my move, that will be it... there will be no turning back.

So.... this morning I get a text message.... OK, here are my thoughts for now. I don't think divorce is the right option for us. We have to try everything before we go that route. I am just terrified of trying again. so many potential stuff ups and I am a complicated loner sort of person! Which is not easy. I also cannot just jump into your arms.So so difficult for Me!. Small small steps. Why don't we start with one small thing today?You come and have coffee at a place close to me, and we can chat a bit. I also want to see (our son) ride. Maybe we can fetch him Together?

Ok, so my small son went for his hour horse riding session this morning and we met at the stable, they have a coffee shop/deli there and we chatted. She cried a bit and said that she is not going to get anything different from what she had with me, there are the irritations of the domestic issues at home, the grind of daily life and so on, she tried to escape all of this and realised that it is something that she actually misses. She saiys she has found that dating is a nightmare... She did say how ever that she cannot right now say that she loves me and she wants to come back home.... we spoke about so many things... and well suppose this is a possible start of a reconciliation. She did cry when she said that she does not think divorce is the right option and she thinks it is just wrong... and think she has dificulty expressing herself...

Well suppose she did make the call that I asked her to, because I think she realised that this is it, he is going to be gone for good now and well if you really want to have something with him, you had better get your act together and do something...

I did try and flirt a bit with her, but find it so hard to do, where as with any other woman, it is easy, but managed a bit, and did get her laughing... so suppose this is the start of something....

So now the journal changes again... and well, let us see where this ends up.... seems the brakes has been put on getting divorced, which is a good thing I think.

eagleclaw

Heres how I see it:

I would say it was not negative, but barely positive. You see you forced her hand which you needed to do. But she didn't really respond whole heartedly. I would appear that she realize her "safety net" might move on. And with the prospect of having you possibly date and find someone else, or proceed with the divorce she stood to lose something.

But she didn't really become remorseful or buck right up, she only said enough to try and stall you. She can't come back, can't say she loves you, not sure what she wants next, just doesn't want you to proceed or date.

I think you want to be careful of letting her string you along. At some point you need to take charge, decide exactly what you need from her in this relationship and set your boundries. You can't continue being her safety net while allowing her the room to date others and have sex on the side. Nor do you want to be the chocie of last resort. Man up, put some pressure on her and see what she does. You can't play this soft.

Zulu

Thing is, I am now in this position and have NOOO idea how to proceed now.