The Sun Also Rises

Orion · 07-18-2010, 09:12 AM

Hello Everyone,

I am new to the site, although I have been visiting the site for a few months. Long story short, I have been married for almost two years. My wife and I met online. We did not meet at a dating site but a message board. Neither one of us were looking for someone and things truly just developed organically. Before I ever spoke to her, I would look for her posts because she was funny, intelligent, and had great common sense. I then came to find out that she would do the same. We became friends and eventually, things became romantic. My wife and I had a great courtship for about 2 years before we got married. But cohabitation after marriage has been challenging.

My wife relocated to my state (we were in a long distance relationship). So, she has had to readust to her surroundings. Also, she does not like her new job. And, commuting around here is not bad for me but she does not like to commute for any long period of time and all of the good jobs will be at least 30 minutes away. And, being that we are currently recovering from a recession, jobs are not exactly plentiful.

We never had the "honeymoon" phase that I have heard so much about (laugh) from a sex standpoint. Having the extra stress of adjusting to her surroundings pretty much killed my wife's libido at times. Also, she has been downright mean and depressed. Now, you must understand that I would lay down in traffic for this woman. I believe that if you want to keep a person, you must do the things that you did to get them...and I have done that. I have been patient but at times it seemed like it would take her and extraordinary effort to do ANYTHING for me. Eventually, we went to counseling and the D-word came up.

Over the last 1-2 months, things have gotten better. Recently, she apologized for being so mean. She said that regardless of the outside factors (commute and her not liking the area), I am a great guy and she isn't trying to mess that up. That did wonders for me because I felt like I was the only one who was trying for a while. Does this solve everything? Hell no. We have a five-year plan to relocate to a warmer climate (she hates snow). And, in that time I am sure that she will find a better job. I am cautiously optimistic because things were improving before she apologized. Do I expect us to have rainbows and flowers from here on out? No. But I think that she is seeing that the things that she does not like are changable. And I am encouraged because we have ALWAYS had great communication, even through the dark times.

This site has really helped me. I saw that my experiences were not uncommon. I also saw that there was hope and what traps to avoid. This has been far better for me than going to counseling because I think that people here are brutally honest (in a good way) and our counselor was sugar-coating things. My hope is that my wife and I will keep improving. I will keep you guys posted on the progress.

stbxhmaybe · 07-26-2010, 10:16 AM

I am really happy for you two. All marriages hit a rough patch and it is up to the both of you to work it out.

My experience wasn't that nice, and ended up in divorce but at the same time I have realized that it works out the same. It takes two people to save and continue a marriage and two people to break one. We were not connected and willing to work on the marriage as we were supposed to and some times it is for the better to end a bad marriage. It gets to a point that love is not enough, and what it wasn't meant to be it will not be.

In your case if both of you are trying, struggling but willing to try you have to find the ways to accommodate and reconnect with each other, place yourselves in each others' shoes and communicate. Communication and empathy are the pillars of a good marriage.

I wish you the best and good luck with your marriage

Orion · 07-27-2010, 04:04 PM

stbxhmaybe,

Thank you for wishing us well. Things continue to look better but I am still at the stage where my guard is up because it's just too soon to do victory dances or something. But, we have always had good communication and that continues so I am optimistic.

I am sorry that your experience wasn't a nice one. And, I completely agree that things get to a point where love isn't enough. I told that to a friend of mine a while back about his relationship (he was being put through the ringer) and he thought that was a very cold thing to say. However, it was just my observation...and an accurate one. Anyway, thanks again for the well wishes and keep fighting the good fight.

Blanca · 07-28-2010, 01:25 AM

That's great Orion. I hope things continue to get better.