Really need you guys input!! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-02-2014, 08:28 PM Thread Starter
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Really need you guys input!!

Hi Everyone, I have been married for 16 years and have two teenage daughters. My H left me about 2 months ago said he fell out of love and I was also going through depression/anxiety. He also is close to 50 and suffers from ED. For the first few weeks our contact was limited to the kids etc. For the past few weeks we are acting like Best friends again, going to movies,dinner. Hanging out together basically we spend all his free time together. He texts me everyday, sometimes even with "goodmorning sunshine". I have been in therapy, started to get healthy so Im now "pleasant" to be around LOL. He says that hes not going anywhere and will always be there for me as a best friend (UGH). I want him back. A few weeks back I also told him even if he wanted to come back I would say not now because I need to get healthy and love my self and he needs to work on himself too. New Years eve he texted me and asked to spend it with him so I did.
My question is how long can this go on, can this lead to a reconcilliation? what should I do to give the best chance of this outcome???? Thank you sooooooo much.

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-03-2014, 07:38 AM
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Re: Really need you guys input!!

I think you two need to sit down and talk. We cant tell you how long this can go on. I do think it is great that you know you need to fix yourself before you want to be with someone.

As they say, you cant love someone if you cant love yourself. I think if you both understand that you care about each other and, from what it sounds like, obviously enjoy being with each other, well then take it slow. Nothing wrong with going slow.

If you both have issues, you can work on fixing them. I think if there is something to work out, then you two can do that and still spend time together. You may not officially be in a relationship, but still not see anyone else.

I just think you two need to talk about what each other wants and fix your issues before taking the next step. It sounds like you two care about each other and really miss each other. I think it can lead to reconciliation if you communicate each others needs/desires/issues.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-03-2014, 01:34 PM
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Re: Really need you guys input!!

So he told you he fell out of love and left you. Have you done your due diligence and double checked whether or not there is another woman? It should be your first move of action. If there is, well you know why he left.

My Walk Away Wife (still separated now) always gave me the line, "We need to fix ourselves before we have any chance to fix our relationship". Don't think that way. If you really want to be together, you fix yourselves while living together. Being separated is the kiss of death.

I went through the same situation as you for practically a full year. Wife spent a lot of time with me after she left. Even said I was such a better person. Well guess what? We still aren't living together.

After a year of that, I realized she likes her independent life and doesn't want to feel guilty for leaving. She developed a whole new life living alone. If your husband really wants to spend that much time with you, then tell him you won't have him any other way but as a husband, and that you are giving him a deadline to decide. If he can't pull the trigger, then move on and don't waste your time.

Last edited by Alpha; 01-03-2014 at 01:40 PM.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-03-2014, 03:55 PM
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Re: Really need you guys input!!

Agreed with Alpha. Your first move, if you haven't done so already, is to find out if there is another woman. In most cases, especially when you hear the "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you" line or some variation of that, as you did, there is another person involved. If things dramatically improved between you and him a month or so ago, I'd suspect that maybe something changed with the other woman or they broke up, and now he's just enjoying his freedom to date around and do whatever he wants.

IF there really isn't another person involved... or if there was and they've since broken up...

...then I would say that you still need to hold him accountable to his words and his actions. It sounds like you firmly believe that you want to be in a loving marriage, you want/need that commitment, which makes total sense of course. If so, then you have to make that clear to him. If he still feels that he doesn't love you or doesn't want to be married to you and can't commit, then you need to go ahead and pursue divorce. (The divorce process will last long enough that he'll have plenty of time to reconsider what he wants, in case you are worried about moving too quickly) In the meantime, you can choose to still be friendly with him if you feel comfortable with that (which I doubt you do, I know I wouldn't) and then clearly restate that you desire to be in a loving relationship with someone and will consider yourself free to pursue that with other men effective immediately.

Again, be as friendly as you like, but you've just got to make sure everything is fully understood regarding what the nature of your relationship is.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-04-2014, 06:20 AM
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Re: Really need you guys input!!

It sounds like there are some under issues you need to uncover here. Is there someone else. Investigate before you make a choice here.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-04-2014, 04:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Really need you guys input!!

No there is no one else I investigated he spends all his off time with me...
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 01-06-2014, 11:15 AM
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Re: Really need you guys input!!

Look this is just crazy speculation but here it is.

You mention the ED which I suspect was a problem leading to his leaving. In that time of little contact, he may have had some challenges tthat either caused him too much embarassment or a lady friend decided to hit the road.

Have you had any discussions why he left? Maybe you should. Playing house is not going to overcome deeper issues.

Good luck,
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