Husband Left, Now He Wants to Come Home
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Old 01-03-2014, 10:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband Left, Now He Wants to Come Home

Hi everyone. It's been a really rocky road for the last five months. After a lot of fighting, on 8/11/13, my husband left and took the kids to his parents' house. He then closed my credit cards and wiped out our savings. After I learned of this, I took drastic action. I cut my wrists. He claimed I was attempting suicide but I really wasn't. I required no stitches and I was conscious when he returned home. It was a cry for help on my part. When I was in a mental hospital for two days, he made me sign a consent order that removed my parental rights to our children. After I was cleared to leave the next day, I hired an attorney who successfully reversed the consent order. We're currently sharing custody. He now wants to come home. For the last four months, I have been focused on bettering myself. I went on an anti-depressant and see a therapist twice a week. I'm actually doing remarkably well. In many ways, I rebuilt myself from the inside out. I'm thriving personally and professionally. I always had issues with my in-laws, mainly dealing with lack of boundaries on their part. My husband was never able to make a break from his family. In many ways, he put his family's needs above the needs of his wife and children. I had access to his email and Verizon accounts so I read so many hurtful messages and emails between his mother and him. She was actually the person that got him the attorney and really guided him with regard to trying to remove my parental rights. Now he wants to come home and wants me to accept a new life where he and I are a family, but he is allowed to bring the kids to family parties and to his parents house without me. He left me when I needed him most. I pretty much learned how to live without him. My small children also learned and became somewhat comfortable with the shared custody. This past week we spent every day together with the kids, but many times I had to say good bye to them. They always became hysterical and cried about having to leave me, but the consent order states I have them during the day and they sleep with him at his parents' house. I just don't know what to do. On the one hand, I still love him, but I also am incredibly hurt that he left me. I'm also concerned how reuniting will affect my recovery. Thanks for any input.

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Old 01-03-2014, 10:07 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Left, Now He Wants to Come Home

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're in a state to be in a close relationship with him. What does your therapist say? He's much more familiar with your thoughts and feelings than any of us will be.

C
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Old 01-03-2014, 10:14 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Left, Now He Wants to Come Home

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Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're in a state to be in a close relationship with him. What does your therapist say? He's much more familiar with your thoughts and feelings than any of us will be.

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My therapist thinks getting back together is not a good idea. This is because my husband has said I have 90% of the changing to do. He does not view his marriage as a partnership. Rather, his comments have shown he believes I'm just a wife who needs fixing.
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Old 01-03-2014, 10:27 AM   #4 (permalink)
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My therapist thinks getting back together is not a good idea. This is because my husband has said I have 90% of the changing to do. He does not view his marriage as a partnership. Rather, his comments have shown he believes I'm just a wife who needs fixing.
No offense, but why are apparently torn on following your therapist's advice?

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Old 01-03-2014, 11:09 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Left, Now He Wants to Come Home

Maybe because I want my kids to enjoy an intact home.
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Old 01-03-2014, 11:20 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Maybe because I want my kids to enjoy an intact home.
I understand that. But you're paying your therapist for advice. They've presumably spent a significant amount of time getting to know you and your situation. They're trained professionals. Yet you'd let anonymous people on the internet override that advice, just because it's what you want to do?

And frankly, being in an intact but dysfunctional family isn't any more ideal than two separate homes with emotionally healthy parents, in my opinion.

C
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Old 01-03-2014, 11:20 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Left, Now He Wants to Come Home

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I always had issues with my in-laws, mainly dealing with lack of boundaries on their part. My husband was never able to make a break from his family. In many ways, he put his family's needs above the needs of his wife and children. I had access to his email and Verizon accounts so I read so many hurtful messages and emails between his mother and him. She was actually the person that got him the attorney and really guided him with regard to trying to remove my parental rights. Now he wants to come home and wants me to accept a new life where he and I are a family, but he is allowed to bring the kids to family parties and to his parents house without me.

There is no way that I can give any meaningful advice without knowing all of the countless complexities of your situation. I CAN however speak to what has been quoted above.

No matter what the reasons, how good or bad they are, he probably feels justified in the above. I don't care if he is even 100% right and you are 100% wrong. Even THEN, what you stated above is not appropriate behavior on his part.

If this relationship is going to work, he is CERTAINLY going to have to follow by the following rules (and you too):

Never complain to your family members or friends about your relationship problems. Don't do it. Instead, you talk to your partner. By not following this rule, you are violating trust that is paramount. You are disrespecting your significant other. The only time someone else should be involved is when there has been REPEATED attempts at communication, the communication isn't working, and one is considering leaving the relationship. Even in that situation, there is a HUGE subjective area about what is appropriate and what is not.

Even BEFORE you had problems, he has created problems by not following this rule. Now he has a mess to clean up. If he wants to be with you, then think about it: at a minimum, it means he loves you, has some sympathy and understanding for whatever problems you may be having, etc. I may not like everything my significant other does. But I know we love each other. She may even do something wrong. But I can talk to her and try to understand the reasoning behind the actions. But if I complain to a parent, a friend, a co-worker, another family member, I am only giving that person one side of the story. I am robbing the other person of their privacy, dignity, and respect. Also, although perhaps unintentional, by telling someone all the bad things that frustrate me, I am essentially telling LIES about my significant other, because the listener only hears the bad things and MY frustrations without considering that there is a human being on the other side of the coin.

He may not fully realize it, but what he is doing is not being able to come to terms with the rift that HE created (even if he WAS 100% right in his complains, and I am not saying he was). He created this rift BEFORE there were problems by not respecting appropriate boundaries. Now, you have in-laws that have a very unfair view of you. You have been robbed of the right to be seen as a human being with another side to the story.

If your relationship is going to work, he is going to have to fix this. After all, he is willing to come to you and spend the rest of his life with you. He has a moral obligation to now get his parents to understand exactly what he claims to understand, and undo all the damage he has done. Sure he is upset because you did, X, Y, and Z. But, whether he fully realizes it or not, by wanting to come back, he is saying that he can be sympathetic that you did X, Y, and Z, and that you are a good loving person whom he respects, admires, and understands. He is willing to work on all of these things because he knows there were no bad intentions. His parents need to be brought up to speed. He has to get his parents to feel the way he feels. He has a difficult job, because their feelings have been one sided for far too long.

He needs to read this.
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Old 01-03-2014, 12:42 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I understand that. But you're paying your therapist for advice. They've presumably spent a significant amount of time getting to know you and your situation. They're trained professionals. Yet you'd let anonymous people on the internet override that advice, just because it's what you want to do?

And frankly, being in an intact but dysfunctional family isn't any more ideal than two separate homes with emotionally healthy parents, in my opinion.

C
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Old 01-03-2014, 12:44 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Left, Now He Wants to Come Home

Hi. I'm not looking to over ride my therapist, just looking for other opinions/advice.
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Old 01-03-2014, 12:44 PM   #10 (permalink)
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There is no way that I can give any meaningful advice without knowing all of the countless complexities of your situation. I CAN however speak to what has been quoted above.

No matter what the reasons, how good or bad they are, he probably feels justified in the above. I don't care if he is even 100% right and you are 100% wrong. Even THEN, what you stated above is not appropriate behavior on his part.

If this relationship is going to work, he is CERTAINLY going to have to follow by the following rules (and you too):

Never complain to your family members or friends about your relationship problems. Don't do it. Instead, you talk to your partner. By not following this rule, you are violating trust that is paramount. You are disrespecting your significant other. The only time someone else should be involved is when there has been REPEATED attempts at communication, the communication isn't working, and one is considering leaving the relationship. Even in that situation, there is a HUGE subjective area about what is appropriate and what is not.

Even BEFORE you had problems, he has created problems by not following this rule. Now he has a mess to clean up. If he wants to be with you, then think about it: at a minimum, it means he loves you, has some sympathy and understanding for whatever problems you may be having, etc. I may not like everything my significant other does. But I know we love each other. She may even do something wrong. But I can talk to her and try to understand the reasoning behind the actions. But if I complain to a parent, a friend, a co-worker, another family member, I am only giving that person one side of the story. I am robbing the other person of their privacy, dignity, and respect. Also, although perhaps unintentional, by telling someone all the bad things that frustrate me, I am essentially telling LIES about my significant other, because the listener only hears the bad things and MY frustrations without considering that there is a human being on the other side of the coin.

He may not fully realize it, but what he is doing is not being able to come to terms with the rift that HE created (even if he WAS 100% right in his complains, and I am not saying he was). He created this rift BEFORE there were problems by not respecting appropriate boundaries. Now, you have in-laws that have a very unfair view of you. You have been robbed of the right to be seen as a human being with another side to the story.

If your relationship is going to work, he is going to have to fix this. After all, he is willing to come to you and spend the rest of his life with you. He has a moral obligation to now get his parents to understand exactly what he claims to understand, and undo all the damage he has done. Sure he is upset because you did, X, Y, and Z. But, whether he fully realizes it or not, by wanting to come back, he is saying that he can be sympathetic that you did X, Y, and Z, and that you are a good loving person whom he respects, admires, and understands. He is willing to work on all of these things because he knows there were no bad intentions. His parents need to be brought up to speed. He has to get his parents to feel the way he feels. He has a difficult job, because their feelings have been one sided for far too long.

He needs to read this.
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Old 01-03-2014, 12:56 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by LoveLonely View Post
There is no way that I can give any meaningful advice without knowing all of the countless complexities of your situation. I CAN however speak to what has been quoted above.

No matter what the reasons, how good or bad they are, he probably feels justified in the above. I don't care if he is even 100% right and you are 100% wrong. Even THEN, what you stated above is not appropriate behavior on his part.

If this relationship is going to work, he is CERTAINLY going to have to follow by the following rules (and you too):

Never complain to your family members or friends about your relationship problems. Don't do it. Instead, you talk to your partner. By not following this rule, you are violating trust that is paramount. You are disrespecting your significant other. The only time someone else should be involved is when there has been REPEATED attempts at communication, the communication isn't working, and one is considering leaving the relationship. Even in that situation, there is a HUGE subjective area about what is appropriate and what is not.

Even BEFORE you had problems, he has created problems by not following this rule. Now he has a mess to clean up. If he wants to be with you, then think about it: at a minimum, it means he loves you, has some sympathy and understanding for whatever problems you may be having, etc. I may not like everything my significant other does. But I know we love each other. She may even do something wrong. But I can talk to her and try to understand the reasoning behind the actions. But if I complain to a parent, a friend, a co-worker, another family member, I am only giving that person one side of the story. I am robbing the other person of their privacy, dignity, and respect. Also, although perhaps unintentional, by telling someone all the bad things that frustrate me, I am essentially telling LIES about my significant other, because the listener only hears the bad things and MY frustrations without considering that there is a human being on the other side of the coin.

He may not fully realize it, but what he is doing is not being able to come to terms with the rift that HE created (even if he WAS 100% right in his complains, and I am not saying he was). He created this rift BEFORE there were problems by not respecting appropriate boundaries. Now, you have in-laws that have a very unfair view of you. You have been robbed of the right to be seen as a human being with another side to the story.

If your relationship is going to work, he is going to have to fix this. After all, he is willing to come to you and spend the rest of his life with you. He has a moral obligation to now get his parents to understand exactly what he claims to understand, and undo all the damage he has done. Sure he is upset because you did, X, Y, and Z. But, whether he fully realizes it or not, by wanting to come back, he is saying that he can be sympathetic that you did X, Y, and Z, and that you are a good loving person whom he respects, admires, and understands. He is willing to work on all of these things because he knows there were no bad intentions. His parents need to be brought up to speed. He has to get his parents to feel the way he feels. He has a difficult job, because their feelings have been one sided for far too long.

He needs to read this.
Thanks. He is unwilling to discuss his role in this. All he says is that he pursued legal action to protect the kids. He admitted early on to my therapist (who testified under oath) that he never believed I was a danger to the kids. I've been a stay at home mom, I love my kids more than I could even describe here. According to emails and texts, he was very much influenced to act the way he did by his family. I could understand taking a break after what happened but to engage an attorney and have me sign a document while I was under duress and medicated, I cannot understand. It's complicated because my MIL has been unbelievably cruel to me and its as if she used my actions as an opportunity. In fact, she continues to make trouble by saying she will not support a reconciliation. My husband has an intensely close relationship with his mom. My parents have said they are skeptical. However, they will accept whatever decision I make. This is because I have healthy boundaries with them. I am grown and they accept this. My MIL has flat out said I am not welcome in her home. I have read texts where she talked about buttering his bread and making him lunch to take to work. And what does my husband say about this? He says it's my fault she feels this way. He continues to take the side of his family. For too long, I have felt his mother was part of my marriage. This was our only problem while married - his family and the way they treated me and our children. He views his family as perfect. For a man that practices Catholicism like I do, he was never able to understand "leave and cleave."
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Last edited by sarahkj2009; 01-03-2014 at 01:16 PM.
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Old 01-03-2014, 01:01 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband Left, Now He Wants to Come Home

So based on what you've said, why do you think it's a good idea to get back together with your husband? You be back to the same issues in no time. The kids will go through another trip on the emotional roller coaster of the family being back together and then being split up again. You'll have lost any leverage of trying to get him to change.

C
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Old 01-03-2014, 01:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
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So based on what you've said, why do you think it's a good idea to get back together with your husband? You be back to the same issues in no time. The kids will go through another trip on the emotional roller coaster of the family being back together and then being split up again. You'll have lost any leverage of trying to get him to change.

C
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I never said it was a good idea. It's an idea. In all honesty, there is a lot of love. He watched me give birth naturally to two boys. There is an intense connection. A life really. A lot of love. And a lot of good memories.
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Old 01-03-2014, 01:34 PM   #14 (permalink)
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So based on what you've said, why do you think it's a good idea to get back together with your husband? You be back to the same issues in no time. The kids will go through another trip on the emotional roller coaster of the family being back together and then being split up again. You'll have lost any leverage of trying to get him to change.

C
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Talk to me about the leverage I have to make him change.
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Old 01-03-2014, 01:37 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Talk to me about the leverage I have to make him change.
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You tell him that you'll consider getting back together when he's demonstrated that he's changed his ways. That may mean counselling, demonstrating different behavior to you, whatever you want it to mean. It does NOT mean promises of change.

C
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