Well, this R didn't work
Last night my H finally called it off (again). He came up to see me for Christmas and I knew he was having doubts. We had as good a time as one can have when they think they are probably getting the ax. We had a conversation on the Friday after xmas in which he said he thinks we should break up. By Sunday he was encouraging me to quit my job and move back in with him, but after he left, silence. I knew whatever he'd said that sounded like he was still in this was bogus. And so it was. After two days of not responding to my texts he finally did and I challenged him to tell me the truth. He wanted out. And he said the same thing he said 1 year, 9 months and 12 days ago: if he was going to live as a childless man he wanted to do it as a bachelor. (Which I know in my heart is crap. I'm sure he was on Match.com the minute we stopped talking.)
I am heartbroken. And I am done. I can't keep going on this crazy train. But for all of you who are on this forum looking for hope, I don't want to be a downer. On the one hand, the lesson here is that you cannot control the other person. No matter how hard you work, if the other person isn't willing, you just can't do it. And there can be some comfort in that - you have done all you can. I am really satisfied now that I have done all I can to make this relationship work and I can be at peace with that.
My H said all the right things to make me believe he really wanted reconciliation but (and take this for the day-after snarkiness one might expect) he just isn't introspective enough to face the truth about himself. He wanted to make everyone around him happy by saying he wanted the marriage, but in his heart he didn't. I believed what he said instead of trusting my gut.
I wish the best to all of you. I really do. Thanks for reading.