Possibility of Saving My Marriage
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Old 01-16-2011, 10:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Possibility of Saving My Marriage

I need some truly advise to save my marriage, I am very sad and depressed now, 1st married for 12 years with one child.Mid last year my husband said that he had no feeling for me (no longer in love with me). I had tried all ways to win his heart but still unsuccessful, we were lack of communication and I admitted that I put all my concentration to take care of our child and we only talk things regarding our child nothing else. I became very suspicious that I suspected that there is a third party and I asked him, he did not admitted it. I did asked him for marriage counselling but he did not want it. I had bought up "Divorce" recently and he was very angry with me and said that he did not want it. Should I continue this relationship just for our child. I regretted to said "D" as I am still love him and I cried almost every night and now I had insomia. He told me to give him more time to work up but he did not want to talk to me. Should I continue to wait for his heart to return back to me. Thanks.
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Old 01-16-2011, 10:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Possibility of Saving My Marriage

Are you sure there's no one else. Those are classic signs. If not, I would see if he's interested in trying to make things better. There's a really good book, The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Maybe you could read it. See if he'll read it, too.
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Old 01-16-2011, 11:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Possibility of Saving My Marriage

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Originally Posted by Maddy Mermaid View Post
I need some truly advise to save my marriage, I am very sad and depressed now, 1st married for 12 years with one child.Mid last year my husband said that he had no feeling for me (no longer in love with me). I had tried all ways to win his heart but still unsuccessful, we were lack of communication and I admitted that I put all my concentration to take care of our child and we only talk things regarding our child nothing else. I became very suspicious that I suspected that there is a third party and I asked him, he did not admitted it. I did asked him for marriage counselling but he did not want it. I had bought up "Divorce" recently and he was very angry with me and said that he did not want it. Should I continue this relationship just for our child. I regretted to said "D" as I am still love him and I cried almost every night and now I had insomia. He told me to give him more time to work up but he did not want to talk to me. Should I continue to wait for his heart to return back to me. Thanks.
Well 12 years is an investment that I would think is worth trying to save. I think you should do some soul searching and try to fix things you have control over that bother him. However there is usually two people that at are at fault for the break up of a marriage and both people have to be willing to make a marriage work. If he just needs a little time to sort his feelings I would give it to him unless that means him going out all the time, in which I would think affair. In the end the problems cant be swept under the rug and he will have to be willing to talk to you and try to make the marriage work or it is not a marriage at all.
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Old 01-17-2011, 07:57 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Possibility of Saving My Marriage

Maddy,

My spouse said she didn't "love me anymore", didn't want a divorce, but then also didn't want to work on the marriage to make it work again. My situation was a bit different, but in my case there was an OM.
I just have to say, NEVER be regretful in telling him anything, especially in the way you feel. And as I wish this works out for you, I would have to say NEVER stay in a toxic situation that makes you completely unhappy just for the sake of children.

He either wants to work on the marriage if he doesn't want a divorce, or he doesn't want to work on the marriage, in that case he can't just "stick around" thinking everything is going to eventually work out. You and your child deserve their happiness, and while you may be in emotional turmoil beyond all belief right now, you need to do what makes your life the happiest.

As for advice, the only thing I can offer is what I did in my situation. I had to show "tough love", in which I chose separation because I didn't want to be in my toxic situation any longer, and my W wasn't ever going to make a choice so I did. However, in my situation, my W eventually came back after a few months, and then told me she REALLY wanted to work on the marriage, which we are, and it's going great so far. I guess in my situation, reality of a divorce finally hit home to her and she realized she wanted to try the marriage again (well, it's a little more complicated than that in my situation, but that's the short version).

Be strong, and know what you want.

Last edited by alphaomega; 01-17-2011 at 08:02 AM.
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Old 01-21-2011, 05:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Possibility of Saving My Marriage

You suspect an OW, but he says there is none, won't go to MC, and goes off when you bring up D.

Sounds like someone's cake baking!
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Old 01-27-2011, 02:42 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I have no advice for you, but I wanted to say that you are not alone. I am in a similar position, and it is a terrible place to be.
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Old 02-28-2011, 09:41 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I had been crying these few days secretly out of my control and cannot sleep well for very long. I am still very sad and hurt. He still treats me very cold and easily get angry without any reason like our son made him angry throwing temper or eat too slow he will be very heated up and scolded him. He used to talk to him very nicely but he changed now. He told our son that he is not happy everyday. I talked to him yesterday told him my feeling. He told me he wanted to live his own life peacefully and going on like this (treat each other like stranger or housemate) and bring up our son only talk anything regarding him, he did not want to give up this family because he loves our son very much and we know that any one of us cannot live without him. He cannot communicate with me anymore and whenever we talk we will end up agrument or conflict. I asked him whether he hates me, he said no but I can tell that he dislike me. Whenever I want to start any conversation, he will try to avoid me or just listen and keep quiet. I told him we need to work up our communication. Can anyone tell me how to work on this? He does not want to have any marriage counseling. Thanks.
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Old 02-28-2011, 10:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Possibility of Saving My Marriage

You can get books (I liked the gottman books), but this really isn't fixable without counseling. The longer this goes the worse it will get.

Do anything to get in MC. Beg, Beg his family, bring up vows, anything. This will only get worse. Tell him you tried this and its not working Talk about how things used to be good. Anything. If not get to counseling by yourself.

Your marriage is basically over without MC. Start to move on. You may need to separate from him or begin to before he realizes that MC is less painful than D.

Edit:This bugged me last night and I thought about this for a bit. I still really don't see another way out of this. You might try counseling online or over the phone or something from a book or dvd, but I really doubt that this will get better outside of separation and / or MC.

Last edited by anx; 03-01-2011 at 01:32 PM.
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