Re: Day One...
Well, we met. And initially it went as i suspected. She was pissed about me cancelling the direct debits, and handing over some of her stuff to oldest boy.
I listened to her blow off steam, for a while, without shutting her down. But it gave me the information i needed as to why she was pissed, and how i could respond. When she moved out she setup a new bank account, as I had requested and we had agreed. However, as well as a new account, she needed to provide proof of billing address, which as she had only just moved was harder to come by, in order to change direct debits to a different account. She had moved her most recent paycheck to her new account from our joint account, which i already knew ( i monitor our old accounts, there's nothing 'unusual' going on there ). BUT, what she hadn't told me was that she'd put some of that paycheck aside to cover any direct debits that might go through before she'd transferred, cancelled them.
We went back and forward over that for a while until we both accepted that, as far as communication over money goes, we'd both F'ed up. She hadn't told me about making a buffer zone of cash for the direct debits, and i hadn't told her i was cancelling them. Should i have just arbitrarily cancelled the debits? Possibly not, but as i explained to her, I was covering my a$$. If all of them had gone through, it would have hosed the bit of money i had left in there. Eventually she 'got' that, and the fact she should have told me she'd put a plan in place to over the debits. She has now all she needs to take care of any remaining financial matters. Her cell account is in my name so she couldn't transfer it, so i called the cell company later (with her bank details) and took care of it.
To me, at least, this was an instance when No Contact caused more unneeded problems that it may have solved.
Next we covered the 'why' i was handing over more of her stuff (via oldest boy). She was worried (and angry) i was gradually moving her out of the house. The items i had dropped off were; her robe, a quilt she made, some house decorations, her christening cups, and 3 bags of baking, cake making items.
When we were going round the house prior to her moving out, deciding what goes and stays, she mentioned that she would be doing a lot of baking, hence the baking items. The house decorations because they were reminding me of her every time i saw them, same for the christening cups and quilt (which hang on a display cabinet at the top of the stairs and i see them every time i go up and down).
I explained to her (calmly) that I was not, in fact moving her out. If that was the case, i would be moving a sh1t load more than 4 grocery bags of stuff! The reason for handing over some of her things (the ones i haven't put in the closet) as that i can't have reminders of her all over the place are obvious. i'm trying to move on, seeing 'her' everywhere hinders that process. She 'got' that too.
Which brought us on to the 'why' she left.
She felt that she could no longer deal with my anger, frustration, controlling ahole attitude. It had sucked the life out of her to the point where she felt invisible and worthless. And i see where's she's coming from with that.
I had gotten into a cycle of setting unrealistic expectations, goals, not having them met, getting pissed off, and turning that anger into setting more unrealistic expectations, which wouldn't be met.....
For instance, her weight. She's been overweight since kid #1, never really lost it. Until she went to weightwatchers and lost a LOT of the weight, looked really good. Right after that she lost her job, and couldn't find another one for over 6 months. She's never been in that situation before and it really depressed her. the weight came back on.
When she was employed again I suggested weightwatchers as it has worked before and it might help. Then, when she didn't go, i told her to go. Then eventually i lost patience and told her she was ugly.
Yeah, i'm a d1ck.
As i said to her yesterday, i was so lost in being angry at everything not going my way, not being simple, easy that i no longer saw the harm i was doing to us. But i'm beginning to see it now, and that is (in part) why i am going to therapy. To work on the causes and issues that had made me what i am, and resolve them.
I told her i'm not working on us, and i accept that there may no longer BE an 'us'. Instead of "engaging her in discussions about your relationship", i was clear that there isn't one. At least, not for quite a while. I'm working on me. I'm in counselling, reading self help books (Though didn't mention NMMNG, MMSLP, etc by name) and support group (this one anyway).
She told me that since she moved out, she's cut down from a bottle+ of wine per night, to less than one per week. I let her know that I've also cut out drinking during the week. I think that admission made us both realize just how much we had been 'hiding' in bottles, in alcohol, to numb the pain we were both in.
(In fact i bought my first bottle of Jack in three weeks last night, and hated it. Even the beer i tried to drink, i couldn't finish the one bottle. They both made me feel slightly sick. I finished the evening drinking cranberry juice. It may be time to quit altogether. I guess i no longer have the same pain to mask.)
I told her that we need to continue maintaining a separate space (though improve communications when needed, to prevent what happened above. Low Contact, rather than No Contact), as we both need time to heal, to review, to move forward. This includes things like Facebook (yeah, she'd noticed and didn't like that either) as it's the same as peering though the window to see what the other person is doing. If our spaces, our lives, overlap and interact it will make it difficult to make the break required to move on (escape velocity?) She 'got' that too. eventually.
She also told me that oldest son is uncomfortable being in the middle, and i agreed it's unfair. She has submitted the redirect for the mail. She grumbled about the cost, but i chose not to remind her that it's a cost she chose when she moved out. Pick your fights. So no more mail coming here.
There was a brief flare up when i told her about oldest son sleeping through our arranged moving time, and lack of apology. "he probably didn't apologize, as you 'never' (she uses that word, a lot, as well as 'always') apologize". THAT got got shut down, real quick. As i reminded her, oldest son is 23 and accountable for his actions. But stuck to stating my position calmly but firmly, and then moved on.
Was it a successful meeting? I hope so. Did we resolve all our issues? Of course not. Did we achieve more in half an hour than we would have in a weeks worth of email contact? Absolutely. Will it be a regular thing? No.
Some of the NC advocates will be bouncing up and down over us having a face to face, and that's your 'right'. GaryLarson, i deleted my reply as it was....less than pleasant or constructive and written just after i got home from the meeting still full of emotion. But it was basically a long version of "butt out". However i realised that was unfair. You and LongWalk are trying to help, in your own way. And, as much as i don't have to accept all you post, the same goes vice versa. Some may not agree with my choice yesterday, but to me, it was a good thing.
It eased a lot of tension that had built up due to poor communication on both our parts, opened a door to a path i have to go down (my anger, controlling issues), and redefined some badly written 'ground rules'. Nobody 'won' anything, nobody 'lost' anything, but I and she both moved forward.
Last edited by DayOne; 10-12-2014 at 05:27 AM.