Day One... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #16 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-20-2014, 07:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Last night was tough. Drank a little too much 'liquid numbing agent' (which is rare as I don't drink to excess as a rule).

Then as I was about to turn off the radio, they played Air Supply - I'm all out of love. Yeah, I lost it. I think (now, in the light of day) it was a good thing. It opened the floodgates and allowed me to release a lot of the emotion I've held back over the last few days.

Woke up this morning (at 3:30am :-/) with a renewed resolve, to not be beaten by this. So as soon as it got light, I was out doing my folks yard work, cutting firewood (but not using the chainsaw, that might end badly. Due to distraction, not depression!) and walking the dogs.

Lunchtime now, but back to chores after that. No time to stop, think and beat myself up.

Going home later, after they've gone, and drawing up my plans, lists for what I want to fix and change at my house.

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post #17 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-20-2014, 01:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Now at home. Alone.
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post #18 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-20-2014, 03:49 PM
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Re: Day One...

Itís a really weird feeling the first few days in the house after one person moves out. Your emotions will play with you when you least expect it. Try and stay off the alcohol as it makes the emotional rollercoaster swing more.

Try doing lots of little projects to keep you mind changing and focusing on different things. Doing physical work like you did this morning is good. You will have problems sleeping most likely and the more physical labor stuff you do the more tired you will be.

Try and get out of the house, spend time with your friends or family if you can. You wont be the life of the party but it helps to keep yourself from the mind games of replaying everything over and over sitting alone.
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post #19 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-20-2014, 04:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Thanks for the words, honcho. I am working on the 'staying busy', by drawing up a plan to complete a long list of 'honeydos' (ironic name, given that she's now moved out!) around the house. Repair, and repainting all the things I have put off too long.

I will be spending time with friends and family, both as a chance to not be alone and also to interact, discuss my thoughts on what is happening, has happened, and where I want to go from here

However that won't be tomorrow. It's my sister's anniversary and she's having a party. But it is (or would have been) our 24th. Being in a house full of people celebrating wedded happiness is more than I could deal with, the day after she moved out.
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post #20 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-20-2014, 05:58 PM
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Re: Day One...

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
I left two marriages, and neither time was due to an affair. Women REALLY CAN want out of a marriage without it being about another man.
Me too. Twice. When you've had problems with a man, and are still married, the last thing you want is another man, particularly one whose standards are so low he'll fook a married women, or just wants a share of the (presumed) marital assets. Jeesh. Way to go, making out like a woman will always want to be with a guy, and the only reason to ever end a relationship is to be with a different guy. Can we say....maybe....projection??????????
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post #21 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-21-2014, 01:04 AM
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Re: Day One...

Op,

Ive been living separately from my hub for over 3 years now. Im trying to come to terms with a almost 30 year marriage coming to rest. We are in constant contact w each other. We both have a separate apt as well as our main home. He comes in to ck on the house...

Your are doing it so much smarter than we, as we just havent been able to break free as we should which leaves us in a horrible state of limbo.

I wish you luck and wish I could follow your lead...

~sammy
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post #22 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-21-2014, 04:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Got up (after the most restful nights sleep i've had in weeks?), had breakfast while making today's 'to do' list, and got to work.

Determined to focus on the 'now' and how i can make it better. Also started reading 'No more Mr nice guy'. It's making sense so far, at least to me.

She has still left quite a bit of stuff in her dresser drawers and under the bed. Do i tell her to get it all out? And give her a deadline?

Last edited by DayOne; 09-21-2014 at 06:19 AM.
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post #23 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-21-2014, 10:08 AM
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Re: Day One...

Is it "important" stuff, or just miscelanneous odds and ends?

If it's not a whole lot of trouble, maybe you could just box it up and tell her it's waiting and she can pick up on xx day, at yy time. Puts you in control. Gives her the message that you're disconnecting but doing it nicely enough to not cause extra friction unnecessarily. And gets her stuff out of your sight.
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post #24 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-21-2014, 10:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Thanks for replying. It's just odds and ends. I'll wait until she contacts me (180) and then bring it up.

There's not much of 'hers' left on show. I've boxed up any visible belongings she left behind, the bedroom now looks somewhat empty.

Edit: the only thing i find odd is that she appears to have left her 'jama bottoms and robe behind. Took her nightgown though.

Before the "OMG, she's fooling around" hoardes chime in, let me add this. She didn't move out by herself. She has moved into her new place with our youngest (20) son. If, IF, there is anything going on he would not stand for it.

My guess is that she forgot them at the last minute, as she was watching the clock.

Last edited by DayOne; 09-21-2014 at 12:15 PM.
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post #25 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-21-2014, 08:57 PM
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Re: Day One...

fwiw, I found it surprisingly, enormously freeing when I bought my own "decor" for the first time when I moved out of the marital home and into my apartment. I mean, really, really important to me. I ordered a bunch of pics of my son and had them printed out (in black & white) large sizes and put them throughout my apt; little things like bedding, a lamp here or there, little (and not costly) things really turned it into MY space.

I'm no decorator, and it isn't my point that I made it look great. I just knew it was *mine*, and it was very freeing. Just advice, but I was kind of shocked at the therapeutic impact it had early on for me.

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post #26 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-22-2014, 07:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Had first individual counseling session this morning. Spend an hour offloading, and i think perhaps overwhelmed the therapist with a long list of things to work through!

After that, went to work but my head is total swiss cheese after the session. A load of stuff got spilled out and it's lying all over the floor of my brain.

Which is when of course the 'no contact please' Wife emails to thank me for the moving boxes i got her, and when would be a good time to pick up her bicycle (she rides to/from work)?

Contact less than 36 hours after moving out?!?! Going to have to clarify the no contact boundaries to her i think.

Edit: Now done.

Quote:
There seems to be several items you have left behind, in the dressers drawers. I havenít nosed through it all out of respect for privacy, but did notice things like jamas, jewellery and shoes. If there is anything you need that you have left behind, let me know by the end of today and I will put it next to your bike.

After that I would request you honour our agreement not to contact each other for a while.

Last edited by DayOne; 09-22-2014 at 07:17 AM.
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post #27 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-23-2014, 04:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2xloser View Post
fwiw, I found it surprisingly, enormously freeing when I bought my own "decor" for the first time when I moved out of the marital home and into my apartment. I mean, really, really important to me. I ordered a bunch of pics of my son and had them printed out (in black & white) large sizes and put them throughout my apt; little things like bedding, a lamp here or there, little (and not costly) things really turned it into MY space.

I'm no decorator, and it isn't my point that I made it look great. I just knew it was *mine*, and it was very freeing. Just advice, but I was kind of shocked at the therapeutic impact it had early on for me.
Kind of experiencing that myself. I'd already moved into a spare bedroom, but now i've made it 'my' room, fixed it up the way i want it. Around the house i've been taking down all the things that had made it ours, and turning it into my place. Going to end up repainting pretty much the whole house eventually.
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post #28 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-23-2014, 07:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Experiencing a strange side effect since this all kicked off.

I've lost all interest in junk food. Used be fairly sensible with my diet, but things like flapjacks, pizza and chocolate would be my kryptonite.

But in this last week, i've lost all interest in any of that. Sticking to small, healthy, regular meals and snacking on unsalted mixed nuts (handful for morning and same in afternoon) at my work desk, instead of large flapjacks and candy bars.

No idea why this has occurred, but hoping to enjoy the benefits.
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post #29 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-23-2014, 07:58 AM
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Re: Day One...

I realize that is a type of journal for you Day One but i recommend that you keep either a private on line journal or a paper journal to write down you raw emotions and issues....it can be very cathartic to release how you feel, what your working through so that sometime in the future you can look back and see where you have been and where you are going. stay positive
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post #30 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-23-2014, 08:01 AM
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Re: Day One...

Awesome. Be sure not to 'make up for it' with too much alcohol too often. I found that way, way too easy to fall into very bad habits so I eventually returned to eating poorly instead :-)

You're gonna be just fine. You know, one day at a time, bro. You'll have your ups and downs, keep the highs not too high and the lows not too low and you're gonna be aok.
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