Day One... - Page 69 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #1021 of 1035 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 04:19 AM
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Re: Day One...

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Originally Posted by 2xloser View Post
(a) I'm sorry; I know how painful this is
(b) It is not crystal clear, but seems from reading your post that you don't want this, and she does?
(c) good for you for reading and looking inward, first & foremost. Regardless of where this marriage goes, this will benefit you enormously. So will The 180. Stay with it; it is hard.
(d) you didn't ask a question or for any input, but for my 2 cents, I'd say if you do want the marriage to be ultimately saved, you're doing mostly right, but just be sure she *knows* what you want; leave nothing assumed so that you do not look back at this time and doubt yourself or ask "what if?". Be sure she knows what you want her to know, because you told her directly -- no assumptions.

Remember to eat. Breathe (seriously; i found myself holding my breath all the time, inexplicabky). Be active when you can; isolation and inactivity are a bad combo for the brain. I feel for you, man. but you seem to have your head on straight; you will get through this.
Holding your breath is a survival mechanism from the reptilian brain. Why Two Time Loser? Do you see yourself that way? If you are in here and learning to cope and survive then I don't see a loser. You aren't being kept down, not a loser. Just my 12 1/2 cents worth... (inflation and taxes, sorry)


"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart." -Marcus Aurelius
"We can’t direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails." -Thomas S. Monson
Every moment of pleasure in life has to be purchased by an equal moment of pain.
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post #1022 of 1035 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 05:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

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Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
Is she talking about what is going on in counselling?
Yes, we both do.
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post #1023 of 1035 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 05:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

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Originally Posted by ReturntoZero View Post
I'm getting all that crap too.

I don't take it from her.

It's not even an option.

"Dear, you have every right to have a bad day. You have no right to take your bad day out on me"
Which is what I said to her last night. That while I appreciate she's going through a lot right now, venting her pain, anxiety, fears onto me is not going help us get her through it. I'll support her, guide her, be there for her. But not be the misplaced target of her emotions.
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post #1024 of 1035 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 05:57 AM
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Re: Day One...

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Originally Posted by DayOne View Post
Which is what I said to her last night. That while I appreciate she's going through a lot right now, venting her pain, anxiety, fears onto me is not going help us get her through it. I'll support her, guide her, be there for her. But not be the misplaced target of her emotions.
Sadly, mine thinks that being allowed to blame me is "communication"

I'm happy to meet her halfway. But, that involves her considering and acting upon MY requests also.
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post #1025 of 1035 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 10:43 AM
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Re: Day One...

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Originally Posted by ReturntoZero View Post
Sadly, mine thinks that being allowed to blame me is "communication"
That's why her pet name for you is "AngerBucket".
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post #1026 of 1035 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 01:36 AM
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Re: Day One...

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Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
John,
I'm pretty sure you haven't read this thread from the very first post forward. I just did so.

And I have read literally thousands of threads over the last 5 years.

This is a 'true recon' in progress. I have a keen ear for the sound of someone being played. Absolutely not the case here. D1's wife is clearly focused on making this work, is making a good faith effort to work on her issues AND feels love and desire for D1.

Playing hardball with someone in that context is totally counterproductive.

That said - D1 is playing a most intense game of hardball - WITH HIMSELF. And he's winning.

If you read this thread from the first post, you'll be reading an inspirational love story.
I'm on day 3 of reading it from the start and have to agree that this is truly an inspirational love story. I'm reading and learning.....
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post #1027 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 04:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Today is the one year anniversary of M'Lady moving back in. We're still doing great. Really great. We talk, we laugh, we... play. We're definitely not the couple who broke up two years ago. Still get the occasional triggers, but fewer and further between, and we still have yet to find a disagreement we can't work out.

We don't get to fool around as often as we'd like, but only because we have youngest around the house!

But when we do, get to 'play', it's kinda wild. Learnt a lot about what we are and are not into. We're definitely not vanilla anymore!

Work, for me is going ok. The company was recently bought out, and the axe has been swinging. So far I've been safe, and I'm hoping that the rumoured changes to my dept will bring only good things. Fingers crossed.

M'Lady has finally been put in the queue for a knee replacement. Just one for now, with the other one to be done later. Probably her right knee as it has reached a point where the upper knee joint is actually grinding a hole into the lower joint. Ouch-y!

Off to Amsterdam in the morning (Friday) for a 4 day weekend. Then California in October for 10 days. Primarily, unfortunately, to see her step mom for probably the last time. She's got advanced dementia, and her body is failing now too.

But, the trip will give her a chance to heal the past with her sisters. Seeing her older sister in Venice really went well, and she wants to work on that more, with her younger sister. So older sister is flying in from NC, and the three of them will hang out and talk.
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post #1028 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 06:57 AM
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Re: Day One...

Nice update, D1. Safe travels.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #1029 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 03:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

(blows dust off TAM keyboard...)

Hey, just checking in. All still going great for us. Off to California for 10 days on Friday (wave as we fly past, ok!), and having our silver anniversary party just before Xmas. M'Lady is having a blast, getting to do all the stuff she didn't get to do the first time. Making and sending invites, planning decorations. To the point where we now refer to it as the "NWW" (non wedding wedding...)

My sister is a wedding planner, and knows someone with a wedding dress shop. So Saturday M'lady, my sister, my Mum and one of M'Lady's friends spent the day playing "say yes to the dress". Tears all round.

She's not actually wearing a wedding dress, but decided to get a non-wedding dress made for the day. Which my Mum promptly paid for. More tears.

Fortunately, I only got to hear about it all later. As I'd chosen to go spend the day out in the woods, chainsawing and splitting firewood!

Work is going great. Still quiet as we wait for things to shake out, but patience may be about to pay off as my role, and my teams, may be about to expand a lot. The company that bought ours out has fingers in several other pies. Including Police and Ministry of Defence. We've sent in our security clearance paperwork, once that clears we will be working on other clients and sites, not just our own.

Still have a full house, with both kids back home. Youngest is really enjoying being a police officer, and slowly seems to be realising that "angry" is not his only available emotion. He thinks and rationalises instead of reacts, a lot more. Still has his moments, but no longer with us. I think that's because he see's that we have a new 'toolbox' for dealing with issues and he tries to follow our lead. One time I don't mind the kids borrowing my tools!

Oldest has been in daily contact with his girl, and they seem to be working things out. From what I gather she was tired of "same old same old". Which is probably fair. Eight years is a long time, especially for a couple kids. The 'romance' wasn't there. But, again, they seem to be following our way of rebooting after D-Day. To go back to basics, start dating again. She's back from California today, so we'll see how that goes.

Not a lot of playtime recently, with the kids in and out of the house at random times. You never quite know when is 'safe'. Also, M'lady has sprained her back, so along with her knee's, is in some pain. Dr's appt today, so we'll know whats she's actually done. Also, her head is all over the place, between counselling, the trip to California and her fears of meeting her sisters, and the NWW planning, playtime has not had room in her thinking. But, she does take the time to let me know I'm still in there somewhere. The other day I was in the shower, and she suddenly stepped in with me. Which is a rare occurrence. Soaped me up and 'gave me a hand', but no happy ending as I could tell she was in pain. So I cleaned her up, towelled her off and gave her a massage instead.

Still a regular at the the gym, but beginning to wonder if I'm an endomorph, as my gains, even with some advice from the instructor seem to be minimal, no matter what routines and weights I try. In good shape, I think, even had positive feedback from the USAF kids I 4-wheel with ("you're pretty spry, for an old guy"! ), but I don't gain weight, lose weight or change much physically.

So, yeah. That's about where I'm at, We're at.
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post #1030 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 08:21 AM
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Re: Day One...

Another great update, brother.

Have fun at your 25th anniversary. Celebrate it. Celebrate each other. Keep in perspective how close it came to not being.

You rock, dude.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #1031 of 1035 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 04:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

OK, (almost) two months is long enough. I need to unlurk and get posting again.

So, California was a great trip. Really enjoyed being back there, hanging with M'Lady's family and meeting up with our friends. Was one of those 'gogogo!' vacations where you come home needing a vacation, but totally worth it.

M'Lady and her sisters reconnected and talked about the past, their lives when growing up, and the pain it has left them all feeling. And she finally realised her sisters didn't in fact 'hate' her. In fact, just the opposite. When we told them about our 25th anniversary, they both said "we're coming!", which blew M'Lady's mind.

So they, and their +1's were added to the list. Which is around 65 people, only two invitee's (my boss and his lady) have said no, due to prior commitments. Which has further cracked M'Lady's perception of being unwanted, unloved, valueless.

Her younger Sister arrived a couple days ago, staying through new years eve. Never been to England, or met most of my family. Those she had met (my Mum and Sister) was 25 years ago, at our wedding. The older Sister and her Husband (who have been to visit us before) arrive next week, thru the 3rd Jan. They'll be staying at my Mums as our house is full.

Younger Sisters female partner wasn't going to come, but changed her mind. As i found out later mainly due to me! When we were in California I apparently made her feel safe and welcomed into the family. So it seems 'new guy' is who i am, full time. Mas brownie points!

As far as M'Lady sees me, its 99.5% new guy. Almost no triggers. Though it can be a delicate process as she continues with therapy, her online management course (which requires a lot of introspection apparently) and reopening dialogue with her family leaves her very raw emotionally. From what she has told me, last night being the most recent, I'm her internal calming voice when she needs strength ("what would DayOne do"? ). Which is a much better perception than being one of those inner voices that put her down. Weakened her.

Work is... still in wait n see mode. Although we are now part of a much larger company, my dept is still only getting glimpses of the fresh fields from behind the gate. Part of which is waiting for our security clearances to process as many of the clients are .gov, .mil, and police. I'm up in London office today for my Met police (London City police) interview. So once that goes through I can work on that client. A good thing as they are scheduled to take floor space in my office at some point.

I still get my dark moments. Struggle internally. But i'm able to step away and see it. Figure out why and correct it. But i'm definitely not who i was. I know it, my girl knows it, even the kids see it.
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post #1032 of 1035 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 08:51 AM
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Re: Day One...

Nice update, brother.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #1033 of 1035 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 04:07 PM
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Re: Day One...

Day One:
Your story in many ways reflects what has gone on in my marriage. Ours happened 28 years ago, and was precipitated by my infidelity. I was a closed off angry man. In more ways than one, I pushed my wife away. She threw me out. She had a revenge affair. It looked like we were headed for divorce. I went into therapy and learned about the behaviors that were tearing us apart. In many ways, the affairs were the poison pill that was necessary for the old marriage to die. The new marriage began when we were talking in public places about finances and assets. We just went for coffee. Soon that became every night. Followed by Saturday night dates. Followed by allowing me overnights. (You were in your house, I went to live in my Mom's basement-my W got the home) It took nearly eight months. We reconnected as another couple. We work on communicating and NOT having blowouts. We recommit to the marriage with regularity. We are now empty-nesters, and are having another "honeymoon". We had been warned that when the last kid goes, some people turn away from one another. We, being us, turned to each other. Not just the sex, but even more deeply into each other. Part of it is a daily decompression session that I like to call the "****tail hour". Most times we do not have the ****tail, more a coffee, and a sit in our "cave" or on the deck. We talk about the day, feelings and some externals, and just get into what has happened; it helped when her old job became a nightmare. It was a positive when she landed her new job.

This site is full of sad sad stories. Yours is positive and uplifting. Thank you for sharing this, like my story, a success is hope for everyone.
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post #1034 of 1035 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 05:06 PM
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Re: Day One...

I think over time....we get into a rut if you will, where we both still communicate, however it seems to gravitate to topics that are most genre to the case at hand...jobs, family, kids, money, vacations, issues, etc....and we stop to talk about our dreams, our desires, our passions, our hungers...and that chasm grows over time, and one day you wake up and realize you don't know the person that is lying beside you and they don't know you....you have so much in common and at the same time nothing in common.
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post #1035 of 1035 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 09:34 PM
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Re: Day One...

DayOne,
I have read yout story and, like others, have found it very inspiring and encouraging. Due to my infidelity, my marriage has been shaken and I have found myself feeling very alone and scared of what the future holds for my husband and me. While the biggest difference between your story and mine is that there is no infidelity in yours, I still remain hopeful that my marriage can be rebuilt and improved like yours. Reading your story has reinforced my belief that I am capable of changing, of becoming a better person, a better wife as long as I put in the necessary work. So thanks for sharing.
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