Day One... - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-07-2014, 08:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Damn, you're quick! (Stalker?)
That was yesterday.

Her reply earlier today:
Quote:
Thanks, would you please put it in a bag and leave it on the front gate. I will pick it up on the way back from work.
I'm holding off on a reply until around 17:30, which will along the lines of:

Quote:
OK.

Edit: still not entirely convinced about the short, cold response method yet.

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post #92 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-07-2014, 08:04 AM
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Re: Day One...

Bored and riding shotgun with a coworker. Are you leaving it at your gate or hers?

Edit to your edit: you have to make the decisions regarding your interactions with your wife. It is your life not ours. However, whether you can earn her back or not, you need to focus on detachment. Let me reiterate the detachment is not primarily to win her back, but for you to be able to take care of yourself. Winning her back is sometimes a consequence of detachment. For what it's worth I think it's a long shot.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley

Last edited by farsidejunky; 10-07-2014 at 08:13 AM.
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post #93 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-07-2014, 08:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

It won't be at my gate. But there's a more secure location i can leave it (away from the rain and curious fingers on our busy street), that i will point her at (so it will be a couple more words than "OK")

I won't go to her house, for the reasons i mentioned previously.
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post #94 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-07-2014, 08:15 AM
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Re: Day One...

Good. Keep it up. In the meantime, when she texts or email emails you, make sure you take your time responding. And again, keep it short and to the point.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #95 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-07-2014, 08:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post

Edit to your edit: you have to make the decisions regarding your interactions with your wife. It is your life not ours. However, whether you can earn her back or not, you need to focus on detachment. Let me reiterate the detachment is not primarily to win her back, but for you to be able to take care of yourself. Winning her back is sometimes a consequence of detachment. For what it's worth I think it's a long shot.
Taken on board, Thanks. And i am accepting that we are done already, and to that end i'm working on moving forward (had a big realisation regarding that in counselling yesterday). But, as i've alluded to before, there's a difference to being detached and a cold, indifferent ahole.
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post #96 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-07-2014, 08:24 AM
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Re: Day One...

What realization came about in counseling yesterday?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #97 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-07-2014, 08:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

We met in September, by Xmas 'we' were pregnant, married the following November. Part of how i feel the way i do about myself is the feeling that i was trapped into a life that i may not have wanted, but one that was forced on me. As i explained to the therapist, one of my biggest regrets in life was to have unprotected sex with a woman i barely knew.
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post #98 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-07-2014, 08:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

I was a naive 23 year old (1 previous girlfriend) who has just moved to another country as my first stop on 'seeing the world'. When a hot looking local girl showed an interest, my 'little brain' took over my big brain and it was game over.

After the kid showed up, we looked into how to get me a green card. The attorney advised that getting married was the easiest way. 24 hours later we were in Vegas, after her Dad arranged everything by phone.

Forget 'shotgun wedding', i got nailed by a 50 sniper rifle. Never even saw it coming.
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post #99 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-07-2014, 08:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

So we were shackled together at this point. We made it work, even actually loved each other. But the foundation was never laid, and we never really worked on retrofitting it. All we ended up doing is taking out our frustrations, anger, and lost dreams on each other.

She gave me the option to walk away when she found out she was pregnant, but i declined. I did 'the honourable thing' instead. And i'm glad i did that at least. I've had long talks with my oldest boy as he has felt he was a 'mistake', but as i've told him, he is one of the best things that ever happened to me and i wouldn't change a thing about him being born (except perhaps the timing).
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post #100 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-07-2014, 09:02 AM
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Re: Day One...

Thanks for the explanation. It definitely explains a lot of what you two have gone through.

Your attitude in this situation is great. Continue the 180 and pushing yourself to be better.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #101 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-07-2014, 06:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Struggling this evening. Came home after an evening at my sisters and the mail hadn't been picked up. I brought it back in as it was 10pm and i wasn't going to leave it out all night (bank statements etc). 2 minutes later she knocked on the front door.

First time I've seen her in over 3 weeks. There wasn't much of a conversation (She: "Sorry to bother you"). and she left.

Screwed me right up. It all came rushing back. I've been doing such a great job of holding it all at bay and tonight, emotionally, i'm back at square one. Taken something to help me sleep (Nytol, non prescription sleep aid), or i'll have no chance as my brain will be bouncing off the walls all night.
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post #102 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-07-2014, 06:23 PM
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Re: Day One...

Stalking again...

Sorry you had to see her but it was inevitable. Take heart in the fact that you did well.

Remember what you covered in therapy and try to stay busy, brother.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #103 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-07-2014, 06:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Thanks. Stalk away. Good to get a response.

It's chewing at the back of my mind that she came by at 10pm. She gets off work around 6-6:30 (her office is 10 minutes away and she passes by to get to her apartment).

You don't want to think it, you fight it, but it keeps ticking. Date?
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post #104 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-07-2014, 06:30 PM
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Re: Day One...

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Stalking again...

Sorry you had to see her but it was inevitable. Take heart in the fact that you did well.

Remember what you covered in therapy and try to stay busy, brother.
I agree. She waited until you were home to come get it.

Next time leave it with your son at his bar. Don't give her anything she can use as an excuse to see you. If she wants to see you let her be honest about it.

Weightlifters Standard Evidence Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Prodigal View Post
Your marriage reminds me of a guy dragging a dead whale across the beach.
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post #105 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-07-2014, 06:32 PM
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Re: Day One...

Quote:
Originally Posted by DayOne View Post
Thanks. Stalk away. Good to get a response.

It's chewing at the back of my mind that she came by at 10pm. She gets off work around 6-6:30 (her office is 10 minutes away and she passes by to get to her apartment).

You don't want to think it, you fight it, but it keeps ticking. Date?
No, she's stalking you.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Prodigal View Post
Your marriage reminds me of a guy dragging a dead whale across the beach.
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