Day One... - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #121 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-10-2014, 06:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Wasn't a good evening yesterday. I'd arranged with my oldest that he would come over at 4 to pick up the rest of his stuff and i'd drive it over to the bar (his apartment is above the bar).

6pm comes and goes... no sign, no calls.

I take the mail and some things of hers that she'd left behind and went to the bar. He was still asleep! Pissed, i left the bags i'd taken there and just left. Still no apology from him.

And i've got a streaming cold, so running or swimming last night. Early night and big dose of Nyquil instead.

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post #122 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-10-2014, 06:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Was going to say she hasn't been in touch, but realised she's texted me.

Quote:
Hi, has any post come for me this week? If so, can I pick it up on my way back. I am hoping to get away by at least 6: 30 but may be a bit later. If ok, please let me know where you will leave the post. Thanks
Quite a long communication!

I replied back

Quote:
All your mail is with oldest son.


Annnnnd now back to enjoying the rest of my day. Cold or not, there's painting to do.
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post #123 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-10-2014, 07:05 AM
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Re: Day One...

Sorry you're under the weather.

if she does not arrange to change her address that is a sign of codependence.

Your separation speaks for divorce. She is not interested in fixing your marriage. The chances of reconciliation are just 6.7 percent. Stick with the 180 and you can reevaluate the situation in a few weeks time.

Your son missing the meeting, do think that is because his mother disrespects you and he is following her lead?

Keep posting. You're going to make it. Your life is going to be better. You're going to be drown proof before Christmas.

Last edited by LongWalk; 10-10-2014 at 03:54 PM.
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post #124 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-10-2014, 08:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

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Originally Posted by LongWalk View Post
Sorry under the weather.

if she does not arrange to change her address that is a sign of co-dependence.

Your separation speaks for divorce. She is not interested in fixing your marriage. The chances of reconciliation are just 6.7 percent. Stick with the 180 and you can reevaluate the situation in a few weeks time.

Your son missing the meeting, do think that is because his mother disrespects you and he is following her lead?

Keep posting. You're going to make it. Your life is going to be better. You're going to be drown proof before Christmas.


More likely to be signs of laziness on her part, or not wanting to face what's going on. Which why i'm taking the steps instead, cancelling her direct debits and will be marking mail as 'return to sender'.

Early days yet. Too soon to decide if divorce is an option.

Son not missing the 'meeting' is more likely due to him being a flake (no the first time he's failed to be on time, that includes work). No other signs of him picking a side, yet.
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post #125 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-10-2014, 09:13 AM
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Re: Day One...

You don't have to return to sender, which might cause problems for her. Just fill a sheet of A4 paper with her address. When letters come cut out a little square and paste it on and repost them. Do it for a couple of months and then slow down the forwarding time. Start sending them once a week in a single large envelope. At the end of the second month, add a note:

"This the last time I am going to forward your business mail."

Last edited by LongWalk; 10-10-2014 at 03:54 PM.
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post #126 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-10-2014, 11:15 AM
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Re: Day One...

Also, don't use your son as the channel of communication. He may be unhappy with the your family's collapse and not enjoy being drawn into it.
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post #127 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-10-2014, 12:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

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Originally Posted by LongWalk View Post
Also, don't use your son as the channel of communication. He may be unhappy with the your family's collapse and not enjoy being drawn into it.
Fair point. Thanks.
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post #128 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-10-2014, 03:49 PM
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Re: Day One...

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Originally Posted by DayOne View Post
Was going to say she hasn't been in touch, but realised she's texted me.



Quite a long communication!

I replied back





Annnnnd now back to enjoying the rest of my day. Cold or not, there's painting to do.
Having been down this road of your becoming a postman for her your path of least resistance now would be to just fill out the change of form for her and be done with it.

She isnt doing this because she is lazy, she needs and wants to have an avenue to contact you more than anything. It also keep you thinkng about her is a little way checking the mail for what is hers and what is yours. Asking or telling them to change it just gets you nowhere.

At some point she will also probably start saying you are withholding her mail or have opened it. Again it justs gives them an easy avenue to make contact or start a fight over nothing.
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post #129 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-10-2014, 03:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Back in the day, when i actually WAS a postman, redirections were free. Now it costs money (£24).

And just like the storage locker idea a few posts back i won't be putting my hand in my pocket to deal with things she won't, can't take care of.

I've been thinking about it this evening, and i think what i'll do instead of leaving out for her to pick up or dropping it with our kid, i'll make one mail run, per week, to her office and leave it with reception. It's on the way to/from work (kinda) anyway.

I don't want her contacting me (except for emergencies as previously agreed), as it DOES get to me. I'm not saying that she's trying to F with my head, but rather that she maybe doesn't realize that it affects me.
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post #130 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-10-2014, 04:20 PM
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Re: Day One...

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Originally Posted by DayOne View Post
Back in the day, when i actually WAS a postman, redirections were free. Now it costs money (£24).

And just like the storage locker idea a few posts back i won't be putting my hand in my pocket to deal with things she won't, can't take care of.

I've been thinking about it this evening, and i think what i'll do instead of leaving out for her to pick up or dropping it with our kid, i'll make one mail run, per week, to her office and leave it with reception. It's on the way to/from work (kinda) anyway.

I don't want her contacting me (except for emergencies as previously agreed), as it DOES get to me. I'm not saying that she's trying to F with my head, but rather that she maybe doesn't realize that it affects me.
Yes she is trying to mess with your head a little and yes she does realize it affects you. Dont kid yourself on that.

In the been there done that, I tried the exact plan you want to try and it wont work. It ends up becoming way more of a headache than you realize depending on how much "drama" your spouse feels like creating. It also doesnt get you around the your hiding her mail, you opened up something nonsense.

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post #131 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-11-2014, 07:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Early start today. 250 mile round trip to deliver the car had to sell to the buyer (he paid what I asked and also all expenses).

Got a text from her while on the train home. She noticed that I cancelled her direct debits and wanted to know why. Also thinks I'm gradually pushing her out of the house as I delivered some of her stuff to the bar.

The reason is simple, I'm covering myself. Financially with the direct debit cancellation and emotionally with putting her stuff where I can't see it.

Texted her back to let her know I'll be having lunch at a diner on the way home, if she wishes to join me there so I can give my reasons. If not, I'll email it to her later.
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post #132 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-11-2014, 07:38 AM
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Re: Re: Day One...

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Originally Posted by DayOne View Post
Early start today. 250 mile round trip to deliver the car had to sell to the buyer (he paid what I asked and also all expenses).

Got a text from her while on the train home. She noticed that I cancelled her direct debits and wanted to know why. Also thinks I'm gradually pushing her out of the house as I delivered some of her stuff to the bar.

The reason is simple, I'm covering myself. Financially with the direct debit cancellation and emotionally with putting her stuff where I can't see it.

Texted her back to let her know I'll be having lunch at a diner on the way home, if she wishes to join me there so I can give my reasons. If not, I'll email it to her later.
Not suggested. She knows why. She just was naive enough to think she could be "separated" from you and still have you be her care taker.

Very simple response.

"You asked for separation. I am honoring your request."

Meeting with her puts you back in the emotional yo-yo.

ETA: was her wanting a separation from you a very large yet subversive sh!t test?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley

Last edited by farsidejunky; 10-11-2014 at 07:48 AM.
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post #133 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-11-2014, 08:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Could be. She declined to meet at the diner, as "she was afraid she'd cause a scene"...

So I suggested me meet in front of a local church instead (and no, I wasn't thinking about Dracula or Highlander at the time!)

I did say that if her plan was to" make a scene ", yell at me and make me the bad guy, not to show up. I told her I will only listen to her concerns in a calm, respectful manner. And I will afford her the same courtesy.

I am waiting there now. More updates later.
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post #134 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-11-2014, 08:13 AM
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Re: Day One...

I still don't know why you need to meet. Everything I have seen so far could be discussed by text, and that would be better for you.

Why are you pushing to meet her?

ETA: Keep your cool in the meeting. Every answer to her "Why?" should be something to the effect of "This is what happens when people separate".

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley

Last edited by farsidejunky; 10-11-2014 at 08:21 AM.
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post #135 of 1035 (permalink) Old 10-11-2014, 09:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
I still don't know why you need to meet. Everything I have seen so far could be discussed by text, and that would be better for you.

Why are you pushing to meet her?
Edit: Deleted.

Last edited by DayOne; 10-11-2014 at 09:12 AM.
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