Day One... - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #1 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-19-2014, 10:16 AM Thread Starter
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Day One...

Edit, this WAS in the "Going through divorce or separation" section, but I have had it moved here as things have changed.


Sept 20th 2014.
Today will be the 1st day of our separation. After 24 years, my Wife has chosen to move out. Although she doesn't actually move out until tomorrow, i'm staying at my folks house tonight and tomorrow to give her the space to move.

I was surprised when she announced she was moving, a couple of weeks ago, but not entirely. Things haven't been good for a while. We had both shut down due to years of doing a bad job of understanding each other, and failing to learn 'a better way' of discussing contentious issues (kids, money, etc) and the various trust issues. None of which had to with any infidelity, to be clear. I've never strayed, and I am sure as any partner can ever be that she hasn't either.

We've had counselling before and it had helped, but the last time was several years ago, and i think perhaps we should taken it up again sooner.

As far as the separation goes, we have spent time to work out the ground rules. Separate accounts (except where we have joint debts to contribute toward), no affairs, respect of each others space (She'll call if she wants to come by, I asked not to know where she is), kids aren't an issue as they are both over 20 at this point and one moved out years ago.

I think it could be a good thing (or perhaps i'm just telling myself that!), as i feel i also need a chance to step back and re-evaluate myself and what i'm wanting.

I met her when i was travelling the world but still relatively 'young and dumb', so when this gorgeous woman knocked me off my feet i was happy to just go with the flow, and sure enough within a couple of months we were pregnant. I've been with her ever since, over half my life.

So, instead of wallowing in the 'why me?!' i'm taking this separation as a chance, an opportunity, to take a new, unveiled look at where i'm at and where i want to be.

I start counselling on Monday (not wasting any time). Not initially to discuss the marriage, but to help me figure out my head. I'm focusing on this first. Later i will look at the relationship. Hopefully by then she will be ready to do so too (she was totally against it when i suggested it recently, but seemed more receptive a bit later).

It did bother me somewhat when she told me the rental agreement was 12 months, and she didn't know if there was an early termination option. But i may be reading too much into it. It's early days, and this is going to be a long road, i shouldn't be looking for potholes yet.

I've read the '180' and will be applying it's principles. Especially when it comes to maintaining distance. As i said initially i won't be helping her move, i'll be out of the house for the day. I did get her boxes from work to pack her stuff into, and took the bedroom TV off the wall and put the feet back on it so they (Wife and younger kid) can use it. I don't sleep in that bed anymore anyway. But that's all i did, apart from that I've stepped back and tried to impose no constrictions.

I did let her know that this morning i would be just getting up and going to work (i'm in a different bedroom), but i wouldn't be saying goodbye. Not to ignore her, but because we'd both 'lose it' (as we have a few times in the last couple days). We've done a better job of discussing the separation than we have discussing anything else in a few years.

But that's the way it goes sometimes, isn't it? Once you know what's coming, the fight just goes out of you. We've been quite calm with each other, and expressed ourselves in a less abrasive, incendiary way than we've been able to do for a while.

The last thing i did before going to bed last night was to briefly go into the room she was in (i'd been out by the firepit) and give her one (last?) kiss, the first one in a long time and then leave the room. No words, just an uncomplicated expression of how i felt.


Last edited by DayOne; 12-27-2014 at 06:22 AM.
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post #2 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-19-2014, 12:25 PM
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Re: Day One...

(a) I'm sorry; I know how painful this is
(b) It is not crystal clear, but seems from reading your post that you don't want this, and she does?
(c) good for you for reading and looking inward, first & foremost. Regardless of where this marriage goes, this will benefit you enormously. So will The 180. Stay with it; it is hard.
(d) you didn't ask a question or for any input, but for my 2 cents, I'd say if you do want the marriage to be ultimately saved, you're doing mostly right, but just be sure she *knows* what you want; leave nothing assumed so that you do not look back at this time and doubt yourself or ask "what if?". Be sure she knows what you want her to know, because you told her directly -- no assumptions.

Remember to eat. Breathe (seriously; i found myself holding my breath all the time, inexplicabky). Be active when you can; isolation and inactivity are a bad combo for the brain. I feel for you, man. but you seem to have your head on straight; you will get through this.
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post #3 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-19-2014, 01:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

Do I 'want' this? No, obviously no. But it's here, it's happening and I choose to make the most of the opportunity. My only concern is financial. It's going to be tough, but we both have family (hers and mine) that support what we are doing. Knowing (hoping) that we can get to a place where we can be happy and go on. To wherever that place happens to be.

Do I want the marriage to be saved? That's, to be honest, not my priority. My priority is for both of us to find happiness. If that turns out not to be as partners, well so be it. As trite as it sounds; if you love something set it free...

I've thought about what happens if she decides to try and find the happiness she needs with someone else. And, in my heart of hearts, if she finds it there, truly finds it there, then I will be proud of her for finding the courage to take that journey.

As far as being alone, I have family, I have friends, I have my dogs. Who are slightly freaked out right now, as they sense something is very wrong. So I focus on them, reassuring them that it'll be OK.
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post #4 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-19-2014, 01:19 PM
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Re: Day One...

Just curious, DayOne, how do you know your wife hasn't strayed?
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post #5 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-19-2014, 01:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

I don't. But it's not a place I will allow myself to go to. As I said, I'm using this time to get myself straight, emotionally. If it transpires that she has taken that path, then I've made it very clear there will be no coming back.

I have a huge issue with adultery. My step dad did it to my Mother, my Uncle did it to his (now ex) Wife. Even my youngest did it to his fiance. (which contributed to where my Wife and I are now). She knows what the result would be if she went down that route. But I'll refer you to my answer above.
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post #6 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-19-2014, 01:42 PM
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Re: Day One...

Quote:
Originally Posted by DayOne View Post
Do I want the marriage to be saved? That's, to be honest, not my priority. My priority is for both of us to find happiness. If that turns out not to be as partners, well so be it. As trite as it sounds; if you love something set it free...
I think this attitude is amazing. Good for you! However...

My ex husband had remarried after we divorced, and after six years I think it was, his wife moved out. She had told him that they were going to go to counseling, work on things, etc. He even helped her move. Well, she had NO intention to try and save the marriage...I knew this, as she and I used to talk. She was afraid of him, and agreeing to "separation" and counseling was how she got out of the house. Once she did, she almost immediately filed for divorce. I thought this was a crappy way to do things, personally. So just...keep it in mind, so that if this is what happens with you guys, that it doesnt rock you too hard.

Wishing you the best, your attitude will take you far.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #7 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-19-2014, 01:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

I've mentally prepared myself for that possibility (as much as anyone can). If she moves out tomorrow, then calls me on Sunday asking for a divorce (which would be mean as that's our 24th), so be it.

I'll have too many beers Sunday night until I'm numb, then get up on Monday and go my initial counselling appointment. Moving on.
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post #8 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-19-2014, 01:59 PM
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Re: Day One...

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Originally Posted by DayOne View Post
I don't. But it's not a place I will allow myself to go to. As I said, I'm using this time to get myself straight, emotionally. If it transpires that she has taken that path, then I've made it very clear there will be no coming back.

I have a huge issue with adultery. My step dad did it to my Mother, my Uncle did it to his (now ex) Wife. Even my youngest did it to his fiance. (which contributed to where my Wife and I are now). She knows what the result would be if she went down that route. But I'll refer you to my answer above.
I don't know the backstory about you and your wife, but you might be interested in some cliches here on TAM that mostly turn out to be true regarding separation:
1. A woman usually doesn't choose to separate unless she has another man lined up. Like a monkey not letting go of one branch until it has a firm grip on another.
2. A woman pushes for separation so she can fook her affair partner free of guilt and away from husband.
3. The time I've spent on this forum, I don't think I've ever seen separation work out. Mostly it causes a couple to disconnect even more.
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post #9 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-19-2014, 02:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

I've been fairly clear on where my heads at regarding fidelity. And I accept that it may, or is, happening. If it transpires, then it's game over. As many of the other stories on these sites show, you can't stop it from happening, you can only make a clear and desicive choice and what you will do if it does happen.

I'm not going to lie awake at night wondering what may or may not be happening. I'm going to focus on me and my path.
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post #10 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-19-2014, 02:08 PM
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Re: Day One...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cubby View Post
I don't know the backstory about you and your wife, but you might be interested in some cliches here on TAM that mostly turn out to be true regarding separation:
1. A woman usually doesn't choose to separate unless she has another man lined up. Like a monkey not letting go of one branch until it has a firm grip on another.
2. A woman pushes for separation so she can fook her affair partner free of guilt and away from husband.
3. The time I've spent on this forum, I don't think I've ever seen separation work out. Mostly it causes a couple to disconnect even more.
I left two marriages, and neither time was due to an affair. Women REALLY CAN want out of a marriage without it being about another man.


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #11 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-19-2014, 02:12 PM
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Re: Day One...

You seem to be doing well.
Keep posting and expressing yourself.

You will have good days and bad days and some that are pure gray all the way through.

All I can tell you is that this is the beginning of a tremendous growth spurt for you and it's worth the pain if you put the work into it.
I will be looking forward to seeing you grow.
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post #12 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-19-2014, 02:12 PM
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Re: Day One...

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
I left two marriages, and neither time was due to an affair. Women REALLY CAN want out of a marriage without it being about another man.
Oh, I agree...that's why I said "mostly."
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post #13 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-19-2014, 03:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Day One...

All I can say about any chances for her screwing around is that she's home every night right after work and doesn't go out at weekends. She does occasionally go out to meet a girlfriend (and not that type of 'girlfriend'!) but is home within an hour or so, and these meetings are verifiable. Her history, before she met me, was somewhat less reputable, but if she's playing around she's really, REALLY, good at it. I would know. I'm the computer/phone geek of the household (it's my living).
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post #14 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-19-2014, 04:08 PM
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Re: Day One...

Do the kids know where she will be living? And will they be stopping there to see her? Also as part of this separtation I am curious why dating each other once or twice a month is not part of the agreement as a way of re-establishing a connect...
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post #15 of 1035 (permalink) Old 09-19-2014, 04:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Re: Day One...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Xenote View Post
Do the kids know where she will be living? And will they be stopping there to see her? Also as part of this separtation I am curious why dating each other once or twice a month is not part of the agreement as a way of re-establishing a connect...
Youngest (20) will be living with her. Oldest (23) has his own place. 'Dating' may happen, but down the road somewhere.
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