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Day One...

188K views 1K replies 53 participants last post by  Archangel2 
#1 · (Edited)
Edit, this WAS in the "Going through divorce or separation" section, but I have had it moved here as things have changed.


Sept 20th 2014.
Today will be the 1st day of our separation. After 24 years, my Wife has chosen to move out. Although she doesn't actually move out until tomorrow, i'm staying at my folks house tonight and tomorrow to give her the space to move.

I was surprised when she announced she was moving, a couple of weeks ago, but not entirely. Things haven't been good for a while. We had both shut down due to years of doing a bad job of understanding each other, and failing to learn 'a better way' of discussing contentious issues (kids, money, etc) and the various trust issues. None of which had to with any infidelity, to be clear. I've never strayed, and I am sure as any partner can ever be that she hasn't either.

We've had counselling before and it had helped, but the last time was several years ago, and i think perhaps we should taken it up again sooner.

As far as the separation goes, we have spent time to work out the ground rules. Separate accounts (except where we have joint debts to contribute toward), no affairs, respect of each others space (She'll call if she wants to come by, I asked not to know where she is), kids aren't an issue as they are both over 20 at this point and one moved out years ago.

I think it could be a good thing (or perhaps i'm just telling myself that!), as i feel i also need a chance to step back and re-evaluate myself and what i'm wanting.

I met her when i was travelling the world but still relatively 'young and dumb', so when this gorgeous woman knocked me off my feet i was happy to just go with the flow, and sure enough within a couple of months we were pregnant. I've been with her ever since, over half my life.

So, instead of wallowing in the 'why me?!' i'm taking this separation as a chance, an opportunity, to take a new, unveiled look at where i'm at and where i want to be.

I start counselling on Monday (not wasting any time). Not initially to discuss the marriage, but to help me figure out my head. I'm focusing on this first. Later i will look at the relationship. Hopefully by then she will be ready to do so too (she was totally against it when i suggested it recently, but seemed more receptive a bit later).

It did bother me somewhat when she told me the rental agreement was 12 months, and she didn't know if there was an early termination option. But i may be reading too much into it. It's early days, and this is going to be a long road, i shouldn't be looking for potholes yet.

I've read the '180' and will be applying it's principles. Especially when it comes to maintaining distance. As i said initially i won't be helping her move, i'll be out of the house for the day. I did get her boxes from work to pack her stuff into, and took the bedroom TV off the wall and put the feet back on it so they (Wife and younger kid) can use it. I don't sleep in that bed anymore anyway. But that's all i did, apart from that I've stepped back and tried to impose no constrictions.

I did let her know that this morning i would be just getting up and going to work (i'm in a different bedroom), but i wouldn't be saying goodbye. Not to ignore her, but because we'd both 'lose it' (as we have a few times in the last couple days). We've done a better job of discussing the separation than we have discussing anything else in a few years.

But that's the way it goes sometimes, isn't it? Once you know what's coming, the fight just goes out of you. We've been quite calm with each other, and expressed ourselves in a less abrasive, incendiary way than we've been able to do for a while.

The last thing i did before going to bed last night was to briefly go into the room she was in (i'd been out by the firepit) and give her one (last?) kiss, the first one in a long time and then leave the room. No words, just an uncomplicated expression of how i felt.
 
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#2 ·
(a) I'm sorry; I know how painful this is
(b) It is not crystal clear, but seems from reading your post that you don't want this, and she does?
(c) good for you for reading and looking inward, first & foremost. Regardless of where this marriage goes, this will benefit you enormously. So will The 180. Stay with it; it is hard.
(d) you didn't ask a question or for any input, but for my 2 cents, I'd say if you do want the marriage to be ultimately saved, you're doing mostly right, but just be sure she *knows* what you want; leave nothing assumed so that you do not look back at this time and doubt yourself or ask "what if?". Be sure she knows what you want her to know, because you told her directly -- no assumptions.

Remember to eat. Breathe (seriously; i found myself holding my breath all the time, inexplicabky). Be active when you can; isolation and inactivity are a bad combo for the brain. I feel for you, man. but you seem to have your head on straight; you will get through this.
 
#1,021 ·
Holding your breath is a survival mechanism from the reptilian brain. Why Two Time Loser? Do you see yourself that way? If you are in here and learning to cope and survive then I don't see a loser. You aren't being kept down, not a loser. Just my 12 1/2 cents worth... (inflation and taxes, sorry)
 
#3 ·
Do I 'want' this? No, obviously no. But it's here, it's happening and I choose to make the most of the opportunity. My only concern is financial. It's going to be tough, but we both have family (hers and mine) that support what we are doing. Knowing (hoping) that we can get to a place where we can be happy and go on. To wherever that place happens to be.

Do I want the marriage to be saved? That's, to be honest, not my priority. My priority is for both of us to find happiness. If that turns out not to be as partners, well so be it. As trite as it sounds; if you love something set it free...

I've thought about what happens if she decides to try and find the happiness she needs with someone else. And, in my heart of hearts, if she finds it there, truly finds it there, then I will be proud of her for finding the courage to take that journey.

As far as being alone, I have family, I have friends, I have my dogs. Who are slightly freaked out right now, as they sense something is very wrong. So I focus on them, reassuring them that it'll be OK.
 
#6 ·
Do I want the marriage to be saved? That's, to be honest, not my priority. My priority is for both of us to find happiness. If that turns out not to be as partners, well so be it. As trite as it sounds; if you love something set it free...
I think this attitude is amazing. Good for you! However...

My ex husband had remarried after we divorced, and after six years I think it was, his wife moved out. She had told him that they were going to go to counseling, work on things, etc. He even helped her move. Well, she had NO intention to try and save the marriage...I knew this, as she and I used to talk. She was afraid of him, and agreeing to "separation" and counseling was how she got out of the house. Once she did, she almost immediately filed for divorce. I thought this was a crappy way to do things, personally. So just...keep it in mind, so that if this is what happens with you guys, that it doesnt rock you too hard.

Wishing you the best, your attitude will take you far.
 
#5 ·
I don't. But it's not a place I will allow myself to go to. As I said, I'm using this time to get myself straight, emotionally. If it transpires that she has taken that path, then I've made it very clear there will be no coming back.

I have a huge issue with adultery. My step dad did it to my Mother, my Uncle did it to his (now ex) Wife. Even my youngest did it to his fiance. (which contributed to where my Wife and I are now). She knows what the result would be if she went down that route. But I'll refer you to my answer above.
 
#8 ·
I don't know the backstory about you and your wife, but you might be interested in some cliches here on TAM that mostly turn out to be true regarding separation:
1. A woman usually doesn't choose to separate unless she has another man lined up. Like a monkey not letting go of one branch until it has a firm grip on another.
2. A woman pushes for separation so she can fook her affair partner free of guilt and away from husband.
3. The time I've spent on this forum, I don't think I've ever seen separation work out. Mostly it causes a couple to disconnect even more.
 
#7 ·
I've mentally prepared myself for that possibility (as much as anyone can). If she moves out tomorrow, then calls me on Sunday asking for a divorce (which would be mean as that's our 24th), so be it.

I'll have too many beers Sunday night until I'm numb, then get up on Monday and go my initial counselling appointment. Moving on.
 
#9 ·
I've been fairly clear on where my heads at regarding fidelity. And I accept that it may, or is, happening. If it transpires, then it's game over. As many of the other stories on these sites show, you can't stop it from happening, you can only make a clear and desicive choice and what you will do if it does happen.

I'm not going to lie awake at night wondering what may or may not be happening. I'm going to focus on me and my path.
 
#11 ·
You seem to be doing well.
Keep posting and expressing yourself.

You will have good days and bad days and some that are pure gray all the way through.

All I can tell you is that this is the beginning of a tremendous growth spurt for you and it's worth the pain if you put the work into it.
I will be looking forward to seeing you grow.
 
#13 ·
All I can say about any chances for her screwing around is that she's home every night right after work and doesn't go out at weekends. She does occasionally go out to meet a girlfriend (and not that type of 'girlfriend'!) but is home within an hour or so, and these meetings are verifiable. Her history, before she met me, was somewhat less reputable, but if she's playing around she's really, REALLY, good at it. I would know. I'm the computer/phone geek of the household (it's my living).
 
#16 ·
Last night was tough. Drank a little too much 'liquid numbing agent' (which is rare as I don't drink to excess as a rule).

Then as I was about to turn off the radio, they played Air Supply - I'm all out of love. Yeah, I lost it. I think (now, in the light of day) it was a good thing. It opened the floodgates and allowed me to release a lot of the emotion I've held back over the last few days.

Woke up this morning (at 3:30am :-/) with a renewed resolve, to not be beaten by this. So as soon as it got light, I was out doing my folks yard work, cutting firewood (but not using the chainsaw, that might end badly. Due to distraction, not depression!) and walking the dogs.

Lunchtime now, but back to chores after that. No time to stop, think and beat myself up.

Going home later, after they've gone, and drawing up my plans, lists for what I want to fix and change at my house.
 
#18 ·
It’s a really weird feeling the first few days in the house after one person moves out. Your emotions will play with you when you least expect it. Try and stay off the alcohol as it makes the emotional rollercoaster swing more.

Try doing lots of little projects to keep you mind changing and focusing on different things. Doing physical work like you did this morning is good. You will have problems sleeping most likely and the more physical labor stuff you do the more tired you will be.

Try and get out of the house, spend time with your friends or family if you can. You wont be the life of the party but it helps to keep yourself from the mind games of replaying everything over and over sitting alone.
 
#19 ·
Thanks for the words, honcho. I am working on the 'staying busy', by drawing up a plan to complete a long list of 'honeydos' (ironic name, given that she's now moved out!) around the house. Repair, and repainting all the things I have put off too long.

I will be spending time with friends and family, both as a chance to not be alone and also to interact, discuss my thoughts on what is happening, has happened, and where I want to go from here

However that won't be tomorrow. It's my sister's anniversary and she's having a party. But it is (or would have been) our 24th. Being in a house full of people celebrating wedded happiness is more than I could deal with, the day after she moved out.
 
#21 ·
Op,

Ive been living separately from my hub for over 3 years now. Im trying to come to terms with a almost 30 year marriage coming to rest. We are in constant contact w each other. We both have a separate apt as well as our main home. He comes in to ck on the house...

Your are doing it so much smarter than we, as we just havent been able to break free as we should which leaves us in a horrible state of limbo.

I wish you luck and wish I could follow your lead...

~sammy
 
#22 · (Edited)
Got up (after the most restful nights sleep i've had in weeks?), had breakfast while making today's 'to do' list, and got to work.

Determined to focus on the 'now' and how i can make it better. Also started reading 'No more Mr nice guy'. It's making sense so far, at least to me.

She has still left quite a bit of stuff in her dresser drawers and under the bed. Do i tell her to get it all out? And give her a deadline?
 
#23 ·
Is it "important" stuff, or just miscelanneous odds and ends?

If it's not a whole lot of trouble, maybe you could just box it up and tell her it's waiting and she can pick up on xx day, at yy time. Puts you in control. Gives her the message that you're disconnecting but doing it nicely enough to not cause extra friction unnecessarily. And gets her stuff out of your sight.
 
#24 · (Edited)
Thanks for replying. It's just odds and ends. I'll wait until she contacts me (180) and then bring it up.

There's not much of 'hers' left on show. I've boxed up any visible belongings she left behind, the bedroom now looks somewhat empty.

Edit: the only thing i find odd is that she appears to have left her 'jama bottoms and robe behind. Took her nightgown though.

Before the "OMG, she's fooling around" hoardes chime in, let me add this. She didn't move out by herself. She has moved into her new place with our youngest (20) son. If, IF, there is anything going on he would not stand for it.

My guess is that she forgot them at the last minute, as she was watching the clock.
 
#25 ·
fwiw, I found it surprisingly, enormously freeing when I bought my own "decor" for the first time when I moved out of the marital home and into my apartment. I mean, really, really important to me. I ordered a bunch of pics of my son and had them printed out (in black & white) large sizes and put them throughout my apt; little things like bedding, a lamp here or there, little (and not costly) things really turned it into MY space.

I'm no decorator, and it isn't my point that I made it look great. I just knew it was *mine*, and it was very freeing. Just advice, but I was kind of shocked at the therapeutic impact it had early on for me.
 
#27 ·
Kind of experiencing that myself. I'd already moved into a spare bedroom, but now i've made it 'my' room, fixed it up the way i want it. Around the house i've been taking down all the things that had made it ours, and turning it into my place. Going to end up repainting pretty much the whole house eventually.
 
#26 · (Edited)
Had first individual counseling session this morning. Spend an hour offloading, and i think perhaps overwhelmed the therapist with a long list of things to work through!

After that, went to work but my head is total swiss cheese after the session. A load of stuff got spilled out and it's lying all over the floor of my brain. :crazy:

Which is when of course the 'no contact please' Wife emails to thank me for the moving boxes i got her, and when would be a good time to pick up her bicycle (she rides to/from work)? :nono:

Contact less than 36 hours after moving out?!?! Going to have to clarify the no contact boundaries to her i think. :rules:

Edit: Now done.

There seems to be several items you have left behind, in the dressers drawers. I haven’t nosed through it all out of respect for privacy, but did notice things like jamas, jewellery and shoes. If there is anything you need that you have left behind, let me know by the end of today and I will put it next to your bike.

After that I would request you honour our agreement not to contact each other for a while.
 
#28 ·
Experiencing a strange side effect since this all kicked off.

I've lost all interest in junk food. Used be fairly sensible with my diet, but things like flapjacks, pizza and chocolate would be my kryptonite.

But in this last week, i've lost all interest in any of that. Sticking to small, healthy, regular meals and snacking on unsalted mixed nuts (handful for morning and same in afternoon) at my work desk, instead of large flapjacks and candy bars.

No idea why this has occurred, but hoping to enjoy the benefits. :smthumbup:
 
#29 ·
I realize that is a type of journal for you Day One but i recommend that you keep either a private on line journal or a paper journal to write down you raw emotions and issues....it can be very cathartic to release how you feel, what your working through so that sometime in the future you can look back and see where you have been and where you are going. stay positive
 
#32 ·
Appreciate the feedback. One thing i used to do, before we met, was to write extensively. Observations, thoughts, emotions. Get it out of my head and on paper (back when the world still used paper! :D ). That form of release, outlet faded out, but i have given serious thought about taking it up again.

I will continue to throw random updates and thoughts up on this thread. I consider this site to be an online, always on, group therapy session. And like any group session, if you don't seek out and be active the groups knowledge, assistance, support and advice, it's a waste of time coming.

Hope that makes sense.
 
#30 ·
Awesome. Be sure not to 'make up for it' with too much alcohol too often. I found that way, way too easy to fall into very bad habits so I eventually returned to eating poorly instead :)

You're gonna be just fine. You know, one day at a time, bro. You'll have your ups and downs, keep the highs not too high and the lows not too low and you're gonna be aok.
 
#33 ·
it does....and truly hope that you find your center with or with out her in your life, after all you may discover that you may have graduated from this marriage yourself and had not realized it. some of us look at our marriage a symbiotic relationship while others look at it as a parasitic relationship, its not until after we are free do we know the truth.
 
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