Reconciliation after the divorce is final? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 04-04-2011, 01:08 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
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Reconciliation after the divorce is final?

Hi everyone,

I've been separated for over three months and divorced for one. I was very confident in my decision to leave my husband. He was very emotionally abusive and I was beaten down and just done with it. He was a broken man when I left and took on all the blame for what was wrong. I've told him many times I'm not perfect and I did things wrong as well.

So for the last few weeks we've been trying again, I missed him terribly and I do still love him. He's been so repentant and nice that I felt he deserved another chance. Now that we've been dating he's finally admitted to why he was so cruel when we were married. He was resentful because he felt 1) I pushed him into buying a house-I did but only because renting was as much as buying and couldn't foresee the horrible economy 2) I wasn't working- yes I got laid off and then quit my next job because of a horrible boss 3) I was sick for a good period of our marriage and this made him frustrated- I had staph in my sinuses and couldn't have worked anyway till it was clear.

I'll admit I had the worst four years of my life during our marriage but I'm left wondering why he felt he could treat me the way he did for things that were beyond my control? I did make mistakes, I should have put up with my boss no matter what happened. There was nothing I could do about being sick, I went to three different doctors before I was diagnosed correctly.

I've told him, nothing has changed with me. I am still looking for work while I finish a second degree. I'm still the same person I was when I left, when we were both unhappy. He swears that he's changed, that he's realized that he was very wrong to be angry at me and to punish me for things. So I'm left with the feeling that maybe this isn't going to work long term. Is he just looking past what he feels are my "faults" because he misses me? I see small trickles of his old behavior slip in sometimes and it scares me to death. I'm very gun shy and being alone makes me feel "safe" but then I miss him so much that I want to make things work. We're going to go to counseling at some point. I still have so much anger about his behavior and I'm trying to work through it.

I feel like I'm writing a book but I was just wondering if anyone else out there had some advice, thoughts etc. This site was so helpful when I was deciding to leave, here I am again looking for help.

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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 04-04-2011, 08:59 AM
Join Date: Feb 2011
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Re: Reconciliation after the divorce is final?

I think your wall is up but if every time he is kind and compassionate to you take a brick out. Go slow and enjoy the changes. Do not hurry back with him till you are fully convinced that he has repented and the changes are permanent. We men only wake up when the spouse has left and then realize how we screwed up and make the changes. No one can tell us to make the changes it has to come within. If he is willing to work at it and you guys are connecting then you have a high chance of getting back together. 14% of people who divorce ...remarry the same spouse again!!!

Best of luck.
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 04-04-2011, 09:55 AM
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Re: Reconciliation after the divorce is final?

Originally Posted by samjin View Post
14% of people who divorce ...remarry the same spouse again!!!Best of luck.
And one third of all women who are murdered are murdered by a husband or boyfriend. Crazy is as crazy does.
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