ReconciliationThis forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.
This is bugging me so I am going to post again. You said in your previous posts that you went to church. If I'm not understanding this correctly than forgive me and ignore what I have to say.
The lords prayer
"Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil."
Forgiveness is something we are commanded to do as Christians. Its one of the most radical teaching of jesus. Search what the bible says about forgiveness. We are commanded to forgive because we were forgiven.
Also, every christian who gets married hears the following
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fail.
Despite your wife putting your life through hell, unless she left the church or had sex with another man, the bible urges us to maintain the marriage and keep no record of wrongs.
Although you were greatly wronged, the better man forgives, asks for forgiveness for his own actions, and forges a new and better marriage.
Lastly, the golden rule.
Matthew 22:37–39
Jesus said to him, 'You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'
If you were your wife right now, how would you like to be treated? What would it look like to value your wife's interests above your own. She didn't do it, but you have an EPIC opportunity to show her love the way god loved us. Think more prodigal son than i could have gotten a model that would have given me BJs.
... rejoices with the truth.... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fail.
Despite your wife putting your life through hell, unless she had sex with another man, the bible urges us to maintain the marriage and keep no record of wrongs.
Although you were greatly wronged, the better man forgives, asks for forgiveness for his own actions, and forges a new and better marriage.
If you were your wife right now, how would you like to be treated?
This is the thing, she has admitted to an affair for much of 2007, another one in 2008 into 2009, an affair in 2010 and another 2 in 2010.
I have told her, I want to forgive her, but she needs to let me have the truth, because that will be all I will be able to build on... I knew that something was up, I never ran out of the marriage and had an affair, so do resent being told that I am the wrong man here, by me wanting to forgive and reconcile and go ahead with her, is already me showing how strong I am.
I need to know that this what she has done is over, I do not want any suprises in 6 months or a year where I get a call to ask, did you know etc etc etc. She has been building up to this point now for a while, wanting back in, and now that she sees I am sort of receptive to it, she wants to just go along her merry way.
I cannot allow my self to be tortured again, I have to be strong and maintain the power base I have.... I have been lied to and CHEATED on for years now, and hopefully this is over, but I feel she needs to come 100% clean with me, or else any sort of forgiveness will be totally useless, I cannot give forgiveness when I do not know what I am forgiving.
By the way, we have not had sex yet, just so that you know, but what assurance do I have that this is not going to happen again, and if I just forgive and forget, wow, that was easy, he will just do it again if I want to go and screw around.... there has to be new respect from HER, for ME... I was on my way out, divorce papers were there to be signed, If I make the decision to actually go forward with her, what am I letting myself in for, more misery, I gave her 17 years of my life, and what did she give, very little, now is the time for her to make me believe that I will be doing the right thing in giving our marriage a second chance.... in all the time that she was away, I conducted myself like a decent person, honouring my commitment to her. I did go and meet other people, but still had a line I did not cross....
She needs to come up with the goods and deliver, I have to be tough, or else I will be the fool and she will just make a laughing stock of me.
Zulu...I simply don't think that I could take her back. Can you guarantee that she won't do it again? No, you can't. She had THAT MANY affairs? And now she wants to just pick up where she left off?
I just get this feeling that if you take her back, things will be OK for awhile, but then, she'll get that old craving back again, and think: "Well, he forgave me and took me back before, so-why not?"
I was on my way out, divorce papers were there to be signed, If I make the decision to actually go forward with her, what am I letting myself in for, more misery, I gave her 17 years of my life, and what did she give, very little, now is the time for her to make me believe that I will be doing the right thing in giving our marriage a second chance.... in all the time that she was away, I conducted myself like a decent person, honouring my commitment to her. I did go and meet other people, but still had a line I did not cross....
She needs to come up with the goods and deliver, I have to be tough, or else I will be the fool and she will just make a laughing stock of me.
I think you are absolutely right in thinking like this. You don't have to give her a second change. She doesn't deserve it and its yours to freely give.
I didn't really like how you worded your other post.
Quote:
I could get a much younger and prettier model than you, who would be prepared to make me a priority in her life, who would send me a text message to say hello, be prepared to give blow jobs and not wear underwear and make me coffee and the rest... you have been round now, and you pretty much walked in and said.... I am not really wanting sex, don't expect a blow job, I am still needing my space etc... sorry sweetie, it doesn't work like that, I am not going to make sex slave out of you, but realisticly, you have seen that the world out there is not so great.
Yes, its right to require her to be truthful, commit, etc. I don't think its right to require sex or make the comparison you did to a model that could make you coffee naked.
She won't be able to 100% step back into the relationship right away. It will take time to get past what happened. I don't know what that means or how that will work out in your relationship.
It will also take time for you to trust her again, and she will have to bring her A game.
Zulu, you did awesome. And no matter how you worded it it will never sound worse than "I had an affair" or "I had and affair in 07, 08, 09" etc.
Everything you said is spot on. And you bet she was suprised. She saw a new you. You gained some respect. She is asking you to take one hell of a chance. She better damn well be bringin her A game to convince you it's worth the risk.
THe part about no sex and don't expect a blowjob. Another fitness test. Her trying to keep a measure of power going back into this relationship. That's no way to restart a relationship and you need to nip this in the bud now.
If she's asking you to buck up and take a risk and let her back she should be showing you all the reasons why you might want to. I could be crude at this point but you should be exhausted turning her down right now......... I'll stop there. Good job though.
It is not going well in my opinion... she has not really done anything to convince me that this is a good choice.
There was sex on Sunday Morning, it was her birthday, and she said she was feeling horny and wanted it, but prior or post(well only 3 days now) nothing.... she has done oral a few times, but it is like she is not really interested and complains the whole time. She has "moved" in.... we are sleeping in the same bed, and she is at the house. We are in the process of moving out, we need to be out by the 30th of April. We are going to all move into the apartment that she has been living in for the last 6 months. It is not a massive appartment, but not a shoebox, but all she can say is that it is tooo damm small and we are going to get on each other's nerves.
Ok, here was my expectation, SHE wanted to come back... "WILL YOU BE PREPARED TO ACCEPT ME BACK AS YOUR WIFE"....
I said yes, and now she has waltzed in and is just picking up where she left off... everything going the same way, this is NOT a CONTINUATION, this is a restart... WHY should I take her as my wife, she has messed about, had affairs, crapped on my marriage and humiliated me, and now I must just roll over and accept that she is still in control and can do as she pleases.
The money from the house that gets paid out, the difference of the mortgage and the selling price is 400 000 rand, a substantial ammount here in South Africa. Is about $60 000. So we will have to split it 50/50. But if we were still in a happy loving marriage, there will be no issue, just go into one account and we would probably put it down on another house or something like that, maybe kill some debt and well just go on. But now it becomes complicated, she wants to be back in the marriage, but still wants the 50/50. I said, well, you are doing very little to MAKE me believe that you actually want back in, I think it is just about the money and then you are going to get your money and then run. So I said, put all the money in my account, as a sign that I can trust you, because I DO NOT trust you right now, all you are giving me is words, and we know that your words mean very little, unless they are backed up by actions.
I would have thought she would be jumping through hoops to make me believe that I have made a good choice to take her back, doing whatever it is I like, just make him believe....MAKE HIM BELIEVE, wear something sexy, tell him you are not wearing any underwear, buy him a slab of chocolate, do WHATEVER.
This may seem like sexual favours, it IS, she broke into the core of my MANLYNESS, and to make me believe that she is serious, she will have to repair that core. She said ONCE that she is sorry, NOT ONCE said thank you for giving us another chance, thank you for considering to forgive me, thank you for being such a great guy to even consider taking me back, here, how a bout a BJ, how about a quickie, I am so sorry, you are such a great guy, you have a great bod, what was I thinking, I am so much happier here at home, I feel so safe, thank you for all the thins that you do, please please please stay strong and have the belief in me....
She has not said I love you, this I realised while I was out there, I actually really still love you and that is why I am comming back, please believe me....
Her father called me yesterday and said she is going to see a psychiatrist, and I must please bepatient with her etc etc etc , after he gave me so much ****, now I must again be the doormat and just ablige to all the crap she wants to dish out.
MMMM i think there is a turd in the drinking water here.
Your way of thinking is bang on. For one, I can guarantee you when she was fracking someone else or blowing someone else she wasn't complaining the whole time or putting in a half assed effort. I would bump back on these things right now, right off the start. Because you do NOT want more of what you had. You know where that path ends.
Forget what the father in law said/says - he is looking out for his daughter as he should. But at this point you should be looking out for you. And getting out of thie relationship what you need.
Heres a few quick suggestions that I think would be a great idea:
1) Keep your finances seperate and give her her half of the money. You want to know she is there for you, not the money. You also want to project that you are not completely back in marriage mode either - keep your options open and keep her wondering for now. Don't make it too easy to go back to how it was. Your giving her no reason, and no anxiety to improve and work at the situation.
2) Be a different lover. Be more dominant and more aggressive. There is much written on this site about it and more at Married Man Sex Life - Show her different sides of you.
3) Don't expect her to give you handouts or initiate constantly. Most women just don't do this. You run the sex dept. You just do. The point is she should be following your lead and participating enthusiastically. The minute she starts complaining or just "letting" you do her rather than participating in creating a passionate "joint" atmosphere then STOP. Go do something else. Don't accept bad/lazy intimacy. Get up and leave. If/when she questions you calmly inform her that if she is not going to participate with any passion or enthusiasm your not interested. Tell her you know what passionate normal relations are like, and the world has much more to offer if she is not intersted. Don't expand on that. She'll probably assume you may have other options from the seperation.
Bottom line. Right now is best/only time to set terms on this new relationship. Do not accept any behaviour you don't want to see for the rest of your life.
Well, here I am am, 10 days down the line, we have now moved out of our house, the new people are already in, and we are all together in the appartment. I'm still not convinced by her actions. She is not showing any remorse.
She wants me just to forget about the last 2 years and move on, I CANNOT with out her showing remorse, with out her showing any thankful ness for me agreeing to take her back, how can I forgive her if she is not sorry for wht she has done.
She did say LAST night that she is embarressed for ehat she has done, I said I am disgusted by hat she did and she will need to show some remorse, or else I will be disrespecting myself by just accepting her back and let us forget what happened...
We had sex on Sunday... ok.... she was as quiet as a church mouse, and complaining, she had given me oral, but complains etc etc etc... anything she does for me is with complaint.
I have told her that I do not believe a word she says. How can I, she has lied and deceived me so much, she has to back her words up with actions, just really haveing a heavy time of it, how can I believe her... she lied sooooo much in the past.
Go get the book "Surviving an Affair". It will help you understand what you're feeling and it will also give you a plan to rekindle what was once there between you and your wife. You need a PLAN.
Ok, so time for an update... like I said, she is depressed, according to a psychiatrist.... but here is the deal, she has little confidence in her self, she is losing her contract and will be out of work at the end of May, will possibly be starting a new contract in June.... anyway, she says she is just in such a bad space and cannot even focus on her work properly and let alone focus on our relationship, trying to get it back together...
I have been reall supportive of her now, not making any physical demands, have not had so much as a hand job in 2 weeks... well I am not convinced that she is actually depressed over the work or our relationship issues.... I think there is still someone in the wings, although she denies this, I will not be made a fool of twice... there is just nothing coming from her side, no affirmation, no re assurance, that this is a good decision on my part, to want to take her back. I think this is purely a safety net for her financial security. She knows that while we are living together again now, she can now carry on as before and use the "depression" as a reason for her non physical with me... she is getting all her needs met, so why be depressed... just cannot understand.
She has not ONCE said so much as thanks for having us back together, thank you for all your hard work at home, getting the boys at school, dropping them at school, doing the shopping, making the food, just seeing that the house is running smoothly. NOTHING.... and this is freaking me out, she is using the job as her big excuse that she cannot give anything now.... really this woman is jerking me around.... and when the job is secure she will just continue ****ing around.
Is this kind of normal behaviour, I was under the impression that a wayward spouse that gets "allowed" back into the relationship so to speak, would be jumping through hoops to make the agrieved spouse feel comfortable etc...
You need to build her up as much as you can. I recently found out how big of a deal this was in my marriage.
Get her into IC and try to be patient.
You still have biblical grounds for divorce, but I think it would be much better to restore your marriage.
You are wrong about her jumping through hoops. Think much more protigal son, but when he comes back he is going through serious medical depression.
This probably very much lead to the issues you had before in your marriage, and they still haven't been fixed. Without confidence in herself, the marriage will only die. You need to work diligently to fix that. IC, MC, a book might help "building your mate's self esteem", encouragement, support, respect, validation of who she is.
Doing that after what she did to you and your marriage will take a tone of sacrificial love.
I prayed for wisdom, knowledge, and understanding, and had a sort of revelation.
I cannot stress how big of a deal depression and self confidence is in your marriage. If she doesn't love herself, love for you and a workable marriage isn't possible.
Zulu, I've read your story and totally and completley understand all your reservations but I think you're confusing sex with intamacy.
Husband and wife should be about bonding both emotionally and physically. All you seem to be interested in is blow jobs, no underwear and sexual favours. This is your WIFE, not a hooker there to perform sexually at your command.
By all means explore the sexual side of the relationship but maybe the reason she kept going elsewhere was because of your attitude towards sex with her.
Ya, she should be jumping through hoops. I mean there should be a sense of joy.
Think about it...why be depressed "I'm back with the man I love" or "thank God he took me back".
Theres nothing there she's....blank, IDK If I was a major screw up and we managed to work it out , I'd be pretty freaking happy.
Even if my job sucked I'd still be pretty happy that my personal life was coming together....you know?
Sorry to say Zulu but I agree with 'The Guy'. Your W should be showing you positive signs but she is not. She does not seem anyway committed to re establishing a relationship with you.
You made a brief comment about suspecting someone else in the wings. Your gut is telling you something here and you should not ignore it. Maybe some more detective work is needed.
I have read all your posts from day one, both this thread and your previous one and although your M seemed doomed I was really pleased when things picked up. But since then I fear that you have let your heart rule your head and deep down I believe that you are unsure whether you have made the right choice.
As hard as it is to say, I don't think you have.
I don't want to write off your reconcilliation just yet, but I think that you maybe rushed into getting back living together just a bit too soon.
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Re: The way forward to a new life 
