MEM11363

Jeff,
That would be an overwhelming situation for almost anyone. I hope that as time passes you realize that the gym/the track and a healthy diet are among the best tools for dealing with all the difficult things that life visits upon us.

Papa Bear

Jeff, you are still young. You have no kids with this woman so it is easier to let her go. English is my second language and I am not sure by excersize you meant to lose weight? If that's the case then again she is wrong IMO. She should love you for who you are weather you are boddybuilder or a 300 lbs man.

Then, you went to counselling and even though things seemed to go well she suddenly said she is out. How can you be sure if she came back she won't leave again in 1, 3, 5 years?

But if you are sure that you guys can make it work, all you can really do is stay nice with her and see what happens but I wouldn't put my hopes too high.

jeffsmith77

Thank you. Getting in shape has been a goal of mine for 15 or so years. I just never found what I needed to get me moving. It turns out that losing my mom was a real wake up call. We have a lot of heart problems in the family, and losing my mom made me take a long hard look at myself. Now, I run and lift weights 6 days a week. It's been an amazing way to deal with life's challenges, and it's given me a sense of self confidence that I've never had before.

jeffsmith77

By exercising, I'm referring to losing fat and building muscle. Being healthier all around. But you bring up something I should've clarified: my ex didn't have an issue with my weight. Her issue was that I've said I was going to get in shape all these years, and I haven't done anything about it. The problem has been my lack of motivation. This lack of motivation has also affected other aspects of my life, which has been a real disappointment for her.

We went to counseling, but I think the real issue was she became so frustrated with life, she began to look at everything negatively. She was the one who said we were great and didn't need anymore counseling. I also think she became too impatient, which really upsets me. I wasn't working on the major changes like she was hoping, but I don't think she considered the fact that life was extremely difficult for me at the time, and committing to a new lifestyle was too much for me at the time.

You bring up a good point about the possibility of her leaving again in the future, if she were to come back. Honestly, I'll only take her back if she promises to remain committed. Meaning, if we hit a bump in the road again (and any couple will), she needs to understand that all relationships will have issues, and they need to be resolved and not ignored. Communication is essential to a healthy relationship, and she needs to work on her communication skills before I would ever consider being with her again.

I do think we could make it work, but it will take both of us to see this. Right now, she can't. But once life settles down with her, we'll see what happens. I'm giving her as much space as I can for the moment.

anx

I've realized that a TON of issues in a relationship go both ways but look different to the people in them.

She could very easily say that you need to stay committed and resolve and not ignore weight (you hinted at other stuff-motivation) issues.

It seems silly to be mad towards her that she isn't committed, but I think she has seen a lack of commitment on your part.

I would also be frustrated and impatient if my partner was telling me he/she was going to change lifestyles and wouldn't follow through or was unmotivated. Most people would have acted the same way as your wife. She probably considered that it was hard to make a new lifestyle, but it doesn't really matter. She can give you extra time or some sympathy, but at some point in time that runs out and she feels lied to.

It sounds like thats what happened from here at least. You went to counseling to fix things and didn't follow through. Now she feels more deeply burned and hurt and can't trust you even more.

This drove me nuts in my marriage. I'm not that bothered by weight, but feeling lied to about fixing it drives me insane.

Best of luck

jeffsmith77

I'm not mad at her. In fact, a big part of me doesn't blame her for leaving. She needs someone who is active, driven, and achieves their goals. This is something that I wasn't providing for a long time. Still, she told me she wants me to change while I was going through the most difficult time of my life, and when she didn't see results in less than two months, she decided to leave. Plus, I think her own frustrations with not finding work and not being able to support herself (which were two major stresses for her) helped her to make her decision quicker.

Through counseling, I've come to the realization that I was more depressed this past year than I was letting myself see. I had an extremely stressful job: I worked 65+ hours a week and my boss would pull me into his office around two times a week and scream at me, saying I'm inadequate at my job in so many words. This was completely demoralizing, and given the fact that I didn't have any self esteem, I took it to heart. It completely broke me.

Then, I would drive 250 miles every other weekend to see my ex while she was at school. Every time I went out there, she studied the entire weekend, and I brought my work with me. We never had any quality time. And this went on for 8 months at least.

Afterward, I talked with some of my friends about my depression, and they all said that they saw it. I could say that I wish they would've told me, but in reality, I probably wouldn't have listened back then. I was in complete denial.

This was my life for quite some time. When my ex and I first started to drift apart, we decided to make a trip to Seattle. We had planned on moving there, find work, and going back to school. When we were there, I felt so happy, like I belonged up there. I was laughing, I was focused entirely on researching Masters programs at the University of Washington, the job marked looked promising, and I was genuinely happy again. It's no surprise that this trip rekindled our relationship, at least for the time being. But when we returned home, I fell back into my old ways. I was still processing my mom's death. I just lost my job. We ran out of money, and had to rely on our wedding fund to make ends meet. Our house was torn apart for the remodel...

Now that I've had some time to process the separation, I realize why she fell out of love. Because I was no longer the man she fell in love with. I lost my focus, my self esteem, my drive, my confidence, my love for life, you name it. Spending some time alone was exactly what I needed. I feel like an improved version of the old me. The traits that I used to have are all enhanced. I've never been more driven, I've never felt more confident, and I've never felt like my goals have been so achievable. The funny thing is, all I needed was some time alone and some self reflection for this to happen.

anx

Wow, that sounds horrible.

That isn't easy to do in a relationship, under stress, job issues, arguing, etc. When one person is "broken" in a relationship, its so hard for them to fix anything because suddenly the relationship also goes south. You lose the support you need and everything gets mixed up and overwhelming. I'm glad you've found it.

I really like what you wrote. I would send what you just wrote to her in a letter. She needs to know this stuff and your reflections. Its hard to get that out in words sometimes, and she will be hurting. Write this or something like it down and send it to her or hand it to her and let her read it.

I hope she gives you a second chance.

also My wife said something similar to this to me. It was because she had never really forgiven me that we could never get past it. It didn't matter how perfect of a husband I was. Without forgiveness, nothing I did right mattered. She had a "realization" that she was still unhappy and fooling herself. She was trying to force it while still holding onto the hurt, anger, and not forgiving. We have reconnected, but it was 1.5 months of pretty brutal treatment of me by her while I showed her as much love as I could.

Your initial question was how to maintain contact.
-Write letters to her. One a week. Tell her you are sorry and a different person.
-Short, low-key, fun mini dates. Go shopping together or bowling or drinks. Nothing more than an hour or 2 for a bit.
-Make her dinner and have her over for it or something.

Best of luck.

jeffsmith77

It really was. But I felt like I just needed to get through it, since the job paid well. The "new" me realizes that happiness is so much more important than money, and if I'm ever in a similar situation again, I'm leaving.



Thanks. The funny thing is this breakup, in it's own way, was the best thing that could've happened to me. I needed some time, and I needed to be alone. I became dependent on her for love, since I was unable to love myself. Having that love taken away helped to open my eyes.

When I saw her (and it's still the only time I've seen her since she left), I told her pretty much the same thing. I think that having her see me so happy and positive, seeing me 15 pounds lighter, and hearing me say that I've taken a new lease on life, was crucial. Writing a letter is a great idea, but to SEE the changes, and to hear the tone in my voice, was the best way to show her that I'm on the right path, and I'm doing it for me. What's ironic is suddenly I'm the positive one, making huge strides towards achieving my goals, and she's the one who feels depressed and stuck in life.

Thanks, I hope so too, but only if she's willing to work on herself. We both have improvements to make for ourselves to make any relationship work, whether it's rekindling ours, or working on a future relationship with someone else. She and I can't maintain the type of relationship we want if we continued to be like we were.

I honestly still believe that something can work, but it's going to take some time. I hear that she's looking to move back to the Portland/Vancouver area for work and (possibly) school. Showing her I'm committed to maintaining my drive and active lifestyle, and if she can show me she's committed to communicate openly, then I think we could work it out. Love as strong as ours doesn't completely vanish, but it eventually will if we don't work on ourselves.

I'm sorry to hear you went through this. My ex was not kind to me either, toward the end of our relationship. I'm showing her some love and support, but I'm keeping it minimal. Her grandfather passed away yesterday, so I gave her a brief phone call to send my condolences, and I sent her family some flowers. I want to offer some support, because I want her to know I still care for her, but I also don't want her to rely on me for support. A big part of me wants her to feel the void in her life. Also, she needs some time alone as well.

Good advice, but this will be difficult. She's 250 miles away, and she may never move back here. I'll be seeing my counselor tonight, and I'll talk to her about the possibility of another letter. What concerns me is that my ex is so overwhelmed with everything right now, I don't want to put more pressure on her.

disabled

Okay Jeff

Here is my input, I am going to be informative as possible. I lost my job in 2004, It took me 1 year to mourn the loss of my pride, Then in 2005 I got hired on at Wal Mart, I worked for like 5 years and 4 days, The doctor pulled me out of the workforce do to my disability. That is not all.

January 1st, 2010, I have driven from Thorndale Texas all the way to Abilene Texas. I watched my wife's dad pass away right in front of me. And here is the kicker, My common law wife was with me at the time, I held her, and hugged her. I feel since the downfall of my working career and all of the stuff that has been happening. From affairs, to attempts put on her life, to almost dissolving the relationship. It made both of us think real hard on what we both wanted. We both had bad qualities in life. Those were speaking negative about this and that. I became the first to speak of this. I told my common law wife we needed to work on each other. I almost died driving myself to the hospital in Temple texas due to hypocalcemia. Anyways, I have came to grips to accept my common law wife for who she is, she has came to grips to accept me for who i am. We both dreamed of being slim and trim. As you know, the older you get, the harder it becomes to lose weight. Now Jeff, your girlfriend should understand the job market is extremely tight, nothing will always be achieved. If she is active and goal achieving, that is great. Sometimes in life, you have to take the good with the bad. I give pitty for her grand daddy passing. I offer pitty for your mom passing as well. My heart goes to you and her both. Back to my wife and I, we both are a team. Yesterday her two kittens passed in our bedroom. I held her and comforted her. You know, outside looks has to be accepted. It is what on the heart that matters.

I am wishing you the best.

Disabled