One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-13-2015, 01:46 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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Hahaha... I told my mom about this forum, and that I like to imagine I'm getting marriage advice from the late John Candy.
I thought you were Gus Polinsky, the Polka King?

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post #32 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-13-2015, 12:30 PM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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YES. While it drives me crazy, I did have a talk with him about it and I sort of get what he's doing. He says he does it because it desensitizes him to the situation. I don't know how true that is, but it kind of makes sense. Before, the picture was of my butt in the panties I wore on our wedding day that said Mrs. __.

While he did change that picture to the POS's out of spite, he said it hurt him so much to see that picture of his name on me, because I am no longer "his", if that makes sense. Also, seeing the men every day lessens the chances of a trigger that might set him off. It's just a twinge of hurt many times a day, rather than an explosion every so often. I personally don't feel that it's unhealthy, but if that's what he wants, it's his phone/ his healing process, so... I can't really ask him to remove it.
Wow, yeah, this is enormously harmful and unhelpful. If he is doing something like this, that explains a lot of why he can't get over/move past the situation with you. It's like he's re-inflicting pain on himself repeatedly every day. It'll re-ignite random bouts of anger towards you too. It'll just make him grow to despise you over time. I'm not saying that he needs to "forgive and forget" because he'll never really forget, but he will struggle enormously to forgive and move on with that reminder in his face throughout the day.

I confess, I tend to write the way I imagine I would speak if the discussion were happening in person. That means that I tend to ramble a lot, illustrate extensively, make used of a lot of analogies, etc. I apologize after the fact for the (likely long) length of my posts.
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post #33 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-13-2015, 12:42 PM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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Thank you so much for your input. You've echoed everything our counselor said. He did go to counseling with me for about a month and said he was committed to reconciliation, but about a week ago he started using phrases like "when we divorce" and "you're going to live with your mom", so I don't know.

I've been seeing the same counselor individually and she said I need to work on creating boundaries and expectations for myself and stop being such a people pleaser. That's what got me into this situation in the first place- seeking approval and lack of boundaries. I'll continue to work with her on these topics while doing all I can to help him heal.

I have always said that as long as he's still in, I'm still in. In counseling I said that I'm willing to give him until the baby is born to decide- I think that's fair. But I will not force someone to be with me if they hate me, even if he thinks that's whats best for our daughter(s). That sets a horrible example for both of them.

He is becoming more agitated with the situation lately because he knows the pressure is on to make a decision. As he says, he is feeling immense pressure as the clock ticks, and he is becoming more and more angry as the time pushes forward. He doesn't talk to anyone about this as far as I know. His best friend came over the other day and kept asking questions about the baby, which tells me my husband didn't say anything to him about how he wants nothing to do with her. I wish he would talk to this specific friend about it, as he is very level-headed and has been a good influence for my husband so far regarding the affair.
If he is growing increasingly agitated, angry, frustrated with the marriage the closer to decision time it gets... I hate to say it, but what do you think will happen when that time comes? It sounds like he'll either say it's time for a divorce (which at this point, I doubt... I see him trying to find a way to drag this painful status quo out for a while) or he'll begrudgingly agree. Then you'll have a husband who only barely wants to be there and still clings desperately to the painful mistakes of the past. Is that something anyone would want?

Right now he has this adultery to hang over your head. I believe the term "free pass" was used earlier, and that's sort of what I'm talking about. He can be belligerent with you, cross lines that a husband should never cross, say things that shouldn't be said, especially in front of the child, etc. etc. etc., and to some degree or another, you'll feel inclined to allow it because of what you did to him. I think most of us can understand that inclination for a while, but eventually it has to stop. We're beyond "eventually" at 5-9 months post-DDay.

If you want to give him some time to decide on whether or not he can really forgive you or not (he hasn't by the way), I could understand that. But he needs to accept the baby. He needs to do his part. I can understand his hurt and pain when he thinks of you right now because he hasn't taken that forgiveness step, but he has no right to leave you hanging as it relates to his baby.

I confess, I tend to write the way I imagine I would speak if the discussion were happening in person. That means that I tend to ramble a lot, illustrate extensively, make used of a lot of analogies, etc. I apologize after the fact for the (likely long) length of my posts.
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post #34 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-13-2015, 12:56 PM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Sorry, one more thing. To clarify why true forgiveness means, it means to forgive someone of the debt they "owe" to you. I can "forgive" a $20 debt that someone owes to me for instance. A long overdue financial debt between friends can spoil an otherwise good friendship after all. Once forgiven, it's my responsibility to truly and completely let it go, to not ever bring it up again. There is no debt anymore, it's gone. He owes me nothing, so there is nothing to grumble or be upset about. I certainly don't have to forget it, so I probably won't lend him money again, but I cannot use the prior debt against him ever again.

If a friend has hurt me, betrayed me, etc., the situation is no different, except that he is not even capable of repaying that debt anyway. I can forgive him and completely release the pain debt he owes me, and release myself from the chains that bound me to reliving that pain over and over, or I can lose the friendship and continue to drag that pain around with me forever. It's a lousy situation for sure, you've been hurt, he carries the guilt of having hurt a friend, and you can't undo that, but you can heal and start fresh.

So if the marriage is going to have a chance, he has to genuinely reach a point of forgiveness. That means removing the POS's image from his phone, never bringing it up with you or others again (outside of maybe an MC session or something anyway), never using it against you (especially in anger, like calling you a slu*), just completely accepting that he shouldn't be thinking about it, talk about it, refer to it, etc., ever. He certainly can't forget it, and you should still continue to help him with healing, including being willing to maintain total transparency in your life for a while, but that's it. But if he can't reach this point, the sooner the better, I can't imagine the marriage surviving, or at least improving beyond what it is today.

I confess, I tend to write the way I imagine I would speak if the discussion were happening in person. That means that I tend to ramble a lot, illustrate extensively, make used of a lot of analogies, etc. I apologize after the fact for the (likely long) length of my posts.
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post #35 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-13-2015, 03:35 PM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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I got stuck with the cat poop during my first pregnancy as well. If I'm not mistaken, there is only a threat if you have outdoor cats that poop inside, because they eat raw meat or something. My only outdoor cat only comes inside to eat, so I'm not terribly concerned. It is bs that my husband can't help out with that one thing, but whatever.

Also, I'm 26- good call! When I did leave my situation (a couple months ago) for a few days to stay at my mom's old town home, I started to get a little hopeful and excited about the future. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I still missed my husband though and went right back to him after the first "I miss you" he texted me. So, it's not hopeless if I end up getting a divorce. It's just not how I hoped this would turn out.
As a health care worker (as in professional in health care) that is a fallacy.

Do not handle feline waste (urine or feces) while pregnant. Your babys health and yours are more important that a cat. That statement comes from an animal rights activist by the way.

"The most beautiful words in any language: I forgive"
Wind Through The Keyhole - Dark Tower Series - Stephen King
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post #36 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-13-2015, 03:43 PM
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As a health care worker (as in professional in health care) that is a fallacy.

Do not handle feline waste (urine or feces) while pregnant. Your babys health and yours are more important that a cat. That statement comes from an animal rights activist by the way.
I wasn't going to go on about the cat but this is right. Cat waste is too toxic for you right now.
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post #37 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-14-2015, 08:24 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

What's toxic ...is your husbands attitude . I applaud your efforts...but seriously...the guy takes photos of other women's butts, checks out Craiglist, calls massage parlours,(and calls YOU a wh0re...wtf) makes you pick up cat poo and verbally abuses you constantly. Sorry, the guy sounds like a PIG.
If he truly loved you he would consider how this treatment may impact on your pregnancy. Not good. Sorry for what you are enduring.
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post #38 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-14-2015, 10:11 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

You didn't ruin the marriage. Your hb was an abusive pr!ck long before your cheating. All abusers feed their victims crumbs.

I don't know what else to tell you, your hb has been very clear about what he thinks of you and yet you insist on holding on. All I can tell you is that you're going to sorely regret this time you're wasting with him. Keep asking the same question, nothing is going to change.
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post #39 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-14-2015, 10:23 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Your husband is an abuser and you're allowing it and making excuses for him.

I don't know how else to put it. Leave now. Also pick up a copy of "Why Does He Do That" and the book published after that one, I forget the name but same author.
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post #40 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-16-2015, 12:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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If he is growing increasingly agitated, angry, frustrated with the marriage the closer to decision time it gets... I hate to say it, but what do you think will happen when that time comes? It sounds like he'll either say it's time for a divorce (which at this point, I doubt... I see him trying to find a way to drag this painful status quo out for a while) or he'll begrudgingly agree. Then you'll have a husband who only barely wants to be there and still clings desperately to the painful mistakes of the past. Is that something anyone would want?

Right now he has this adultery to hang over your head. I believe the term "free pass" was used earlier, and that's sort of what I'm talking about. He can be belligerent with you, cross lines that a husband should never cross, say things that shouldn't be said, especially in front of the child, etc. etc. etc., and to some degree or another, you'll feel inclined to allow it because of what you did to him. I think most of us can understand that inclination for a while, but eventually it has to stop. We're beyond "eventually" at 5-9 months post-DDay.

If you want to give him some time to decide on whether or not he can really forgive you or not (he hasn't by the way), I could understand that. But he needs to accept the baby. He needs to do his part. I can understand his hurt and pain when he thinks of you right now because he hasn't taken that forgiveness step, but he has no right to leave you hanging as it relates to his baby.

I have been and am willing to give him more time to decide whether or not he can forgive me. I just can't deal with the bullying and name-calling anymore. It's obvious that I have to set boundaries or else he's just going to walk all over me, using my guilt as an excuse.

He hasn't spoken to me since last Saturday, with the exception of parenting or household topics. I'm becoming emotionally detached from the situation and honestly am building a lot of resentment towards him. Last we spoke he told me that by betraying him I did things he wouldn't do to his worst enemy. I can understand that, but it still pisses me off that he continuously does things to me that I would never do to someone I hated. The difference between him and I is that I'm acknowledging my bad behavior, apologizing, and trying my hardest to make it right. He won't even acknowledge his behavior, and if he does, he says he should have a right to do whatever he wants.

Clearly things are not going to change, even if he does try to forgive me. He is incapable of seeing his own wrongdoing.

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post #41 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-16-2015, 12:10 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW


Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #42 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-16-2015, 12:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

I didn't share on this forum, but I guess I will because its important. Last Sunday I took a stack of notecards and sat down with my audio recordings of his angry monologues (where he just yells at me for hours on end). I wrote down every insult and name he hurled at me, and taped these cards to the mirror on my dresser. The mirror was completely covered with these cards.

This was sort of immature, I know. I wanted to make a point though. Even though he forgets saying these things or shrugs them off the next day, I hear them constantly in my head. I see them every time I look at myself in the mirror. He seems unsatisfied any day that I appear to not be thinking about these names, and goes off on another rant. He even told me he does this "so I don't forget". I just wanted him to see the horrible things he was saying and was hoping to passive aggressively call him out.

Well, he didn't mention the cards all week. I took them down because we had people come work on the house and I didn't want them to see that. This morning I found three cards taped back on the mirror: "Desparate", "Attention-seeking", and "WH*RE". This scared me because I thought maybe one of the workers found the cards and thought it was funny or something, so I texted my husband asking if he touched my dresser. He said, yeah, he moved the cards, but it was meant to be a joke.

The fact that he could ignore these words all week, not talk to me, and then put them BACK up after I took them down- as a JOKE- just disgusts me. I didn't even talk to him when he came home today because I was so angry. It's so clear that my feelings mean nothing to him and recovery will never happen.

In my heart I know what has to happen, but I am not emotionally or physically prepared to do anything about it right now. I'm just detaching and minding my own business. He rarely ever comes home anyway. I just feel so defeated and angry with myself for a) cheating and b) allowing myself to be treated like trash by my own husband and the OM
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post #43 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-16-2015, 03:20 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Just take your time sweetheart. Yes, I am calling you a sweetheart. I think you have heard enough about what you allowed yourself to become and I am choosing to believe you are becoming someone different and won't ever cheat again.

Your H is backwards and destructive. He will never get well and he will never allow you to get well either. He will stain your children with bitterness and hate. They will grow up twisted under the torment of his hatred of you.

Be firm in your resolve. Take what time you need. Stop taking anymore fvcking abuse! When it is feasible, leave and never look back.

There is no excuse for the decisions you made to lower yourself and be violated and there should be no excuses to prevent you from repenting, healing and growing beyond all of it either.

Your H can't be held responsible for your cheating and he sure as hell should not be the reason you don't get healthier and feel better about yourself.

He is responsible for abusing you. You may have deserved ridicule and shame even divorce for what you did but never abuse!

There is a time also, when the ridicule needs to turn to encouragement and the shame to self esteem.

Your H does not have any understanding and is just using this as an excuse to hurt you forever. His heart is revealed and it is full of darkness.

Be well. You need to continue healing for yourself and your children and even the man who will cherish you above all others. You haven't met him yet but you will if you invest in yourself, your wellbeing and that of your children.

You should never have cheated but it has revealed the cesspool that is in your Hs heart.

Best wishes.
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post #44 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-16-2015, 05:20 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Your husband is toxic...
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post #45 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-16-2015, 10:48 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Well...I'm not going to bash on the husband...but some people aren't capable of reconciliation. Right now every time he sees you he sees nothing but hurt. I think you need to do him a favor and leave again. Separate and do not move back in when the first I miss you text comes.
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