Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW
Sorry, one more thing. To clarify why true forgiveness means, it means to forgive someone of the debt they "owe" to you. I can "forgive" a $20 debt that someone owes to me for instance. A long overdue financial debt between friends can spoil an otherwise good friendship after all. Once forgiven, it's my responsibility to truly and completely let it go, to not ever bring it up again. There is no debt anymore, it's gone. He owes me nothing, so there is nothing to grumble or be upset about. I certainly don't have to forget it, so I probably won't lend him money again, but I cannot use the prior debt against him ever again.
If a friend has hurt me, betrayed me, etc., the situation is no different, except that he is not even capable of repaying that debt anyway. I can forgive him and completely release the pain debt he owes me, and release myself from the chains that bound me to reliving that pain over and over, or I can lose the friendship and continue to drag that pain around with me forever. It's a lousy situation for sure, you've been hurt, he carries the guilt of having hurt a friend, and you can't undo that, but you can heal and start fresh.
So if the marriage is going to have a chance, he has to genuinely reach a point of forgiveness. That means removing the POS's image from his phone, never bringing it up with you or others again (outside of maybe an MC session or something anyway), never using it against you (especially in anger, like calling you a slu*), just completely accepting that he shouldn't be thinking about it, talk about it, refer to it, etc., ever. He certainly can't forget it, and you should still continue to help him with healing, including being willing to maintain total transparency in your life for a while, but that's it. But if he can't reach this point, the sooner the better, I can't imagine the marriage surviving, or at least improving beyond what it is today.
I confess, I tend to write the way I imagine I would speak if the discussion were happening in person. That means that I tend to ramble a lot, illustrate extensively, make used of a lot of analogies, etc. I apologize after the fact for the (likely long) length of my posts.