One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #61 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-18-2015, 05:51 PM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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Also, if I'm not mistaken there's something called "condonence" (sp?) that cancels out the fault of adultery if he "forgave" me in the eyes of the law, by continuing to be intimate with me and live a normal married life. I'm not sure how true that is, but there's that. In case he tries to take my daughter away or some ridiculous nonsense.
Completely legit in many states, but, since Texas doesn't really care about adultery (as long as any children haven't been exposed to criminals, criminal activity, etc, and that's only where custody is concerned), it shouldn't matter one way or the other.

Oh, and another thing... Texas is a one-party consent state. Get a VAR, and keep it rolling any time that he's around. Pair it w/ some good rechargeable batteries in order to keep from having to spend a fortune on batteries.


Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."

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post #62 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-18-2015, 05:54 PM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Good call Gus. It will help to keep track of his bvllshyt.
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post #63 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-18-2015, 06:12 PM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

I don't know that adultery is taken into account with child custody, but even if it was you have plenty of evidence of his alcohol abuse and general abusiveness so no judge in their right mind would give him any kind of custody. You really need to play hardball with him.
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post #64 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-18-2015, 06:14 PM Thread Starter
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I actually have a recorder on my phone that I use when he's yelling and acting crazy. I always carry the phone around anyway so it's convenient. I should get an extra though, in case he takes my phone away. I have several hours of him just going off calling me names while I ask him to stop, leave me alone, stop yelling in front of daughter, etc. I've also said he's scaring me and he doesn't let up.
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post #65 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-18-2015, 06:21 PM Thread Starter
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I don't know that adultery is taken into account with child custody, but even if it was you have plenty of evidence of his alcohol abuse and general abusiveness so no judge in their right mind would give him any kind of custody. You really need to play hardball with him.
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He wouldn't be able to take care of her anyway, he's never home. I doubt any judge would take a child away from her full-time mother to put her in some kind of daycare. It's silly. All I want are my children and enough money to help me take care of them.
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post #66 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-18-2015, 06:25 PM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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He wouldn't be able to take care of her anyway, he's never home. I doubt any judge would take a child away from her full-time mother to put her in some kind of daycare. It's silly. All I want are my children and enough money to help me take care of them.
Start documenting when he is and isn't home, when he's at the bar, what time he comes home, his general state of mind once he's there, and make sure that you're recording the first 10-15 minutes of whatever is said once he walks through the door.

Also, if you can, keep track of how much he's spending on alcohol.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #67 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 08:11 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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I was too scared to just end a marriage I wanted out of

The way I see it, marriage lasts a lifetime, so a few years of pain is just a blip if there is chance of improvement. (This is the way I see it NOW- obviously when I cheated I didn't see it that way)

My problem now is that my husband will not commit to reconciliation nor divorce. He feels that I could not give our child a good life on my own and he doesn't want to hurt our daughter by divorcing me.
That's the price you pay for what you did.

No offense, but you don't get to be picky now. Either divorce him or accept his progress or lack thereof.

If he's abusive leave him for THAT.
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post #68 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 08:15 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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Is there a forum on here where I can find resources for stay at home moms/ pregnant ladies/ full time graduate students who need help?
No, that would be your city and your county, and the resources they offer. And United Way. And your college counselor.

If you have time, read this book.
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post #69 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 11:13 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rrhouse View Post
I was too scared to just end a marriage I wanted out of

The way I see it, marriage lasts a lifetime, so a few years of pain is just a blip if there is chance of improvement. (This is the way I see it NOW- obviously when I cheated I didn't see it that way)

My problem now is that my husband will not commit to reconciliation nor divorce. He feels that I could not give our child a good life on my own and he doesn't want to hurt our daughter by divorcing me.
That's the price you pay for what you did.

No offense, but you don't get to be picky now. Either divorce him or accept his progress or lack thereof.

If he's abusive leave him for THAT.

We went to counseling for about a month before the counselor said something he didn't like and he stopped going. In counseling, we agreed that we were both still in the relationship and committed to each other.

1 month after this he tells me he was just saying that to keep our daughter in his house, and he actually hates me and can't stand the sight of me. He even blames me for choosing a sh**ty counselor. I do get to be picky,in that I won't remain married to a man that despises me just because I'm financially comfortable. I wish he didn't keep oscillating back and forth between repairing the relationship for US, or becoming a martyr for our child. Not to mention there's one on the way that he refuses to acknowledge. Am I supposed to wait around for him to make a choice about that too?

I don't believe in staying together for the kids, especially when one parent is so miserable he drinks himself into oblivion and yells at his spouse on a regular basis. In front of their child - because he believes in being "honest" with her. Our daughter is 3- she has no idea what's going on, other than daddy's mean and daddy plays with his friends a lot . This is not a marriage. I'm leaving because he's abusive and I personally feel that he's using my guilt as a excuse for some behavior that are inexcusable.

My affair was abuse - it was inexcusable and I am dealing with consequences for my own decisions. I am working as hard as I can to help him heal .

His verbal and emotional abuse is also inexcusable. He doesn't get a free pass because "I did it first". He refuses to acknowledge it, and says I'm using it as an excuse to have cheated.
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post #70 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 11:15 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Then you're moving out? When?

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post #71 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 11:19 AM Thread Starter
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I didn't mean to come off as rude. Just trying to explain that I'm not trying to be a diva about the situation. I've asked him to just ask me to give him space when he's angry, but he'd rather yell and slam sh*t around. I've tried to tell him I'm not rushing him to get over it. I just know from reading this forum that reconciliation doesn't work without both parties. He keeps telling me to fix it for him. I can't do that!

Thank you for the links - I wanted to buy the book but had to buy school books first.

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post #72 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 11:23 AM Thread Starter
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Then you're moving out? When?
I'm 7 months pregnant, so I am waiting until I have the baby and heal from the mandatory c-section. The place I'm moving is an hour away and I need to be here close my doctor and hospital. I've also had issues with the pregnancy and am not supposed to be physically straining myself. First things first, I guess.
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post #73 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 11:43 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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I didn't mean to come off as rude. Just trying to explain that I'm not trying to be a diva about the situation. I've asked him to just ask me to give him space when he's angry, but he'd rather yell and slam sh*t around. I've tried to tell him I'm not rushing him to get over it. I just know from reading this forum that reconciliation doesn't work without both parties. He keeps telling me to fix it for him. I can't do that!

Thank you for the links - I wanted to buy the book but had to buy school books first.
The link I sent you was for a free online PDF.

You need to arrange for a safe place to go if he escalates. Save up some money for an extended-stay hotel or for something else so that when he gets in your face you have someplace to go. Ask your school counselor for help.
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post #74 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 12:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Just an update:
Today I was able to talk to my husband in a civilized manner. He didn't apologize for the screaming and namecalling, but he did tell me that he feels like he's stuck and will be forever in this stage of grief from what I did to him. I am out of ideas to help him heal or move forward, and it sucks. I told him if he feels like he can never forgive me, then it's best for everyone to just call too far gone and let go.

It's not healthy for him to be around me if he hates me and I'm a constant trigger. It's not healthy for me to be around someone who will forever see me as the worst version of myself- not allowing me to grow or come up from rock bottom. Most importantly it's not healthy for our daughter. Not only is this providing a horrible example of marriage, but H an I are both too tense around each other to be proper parents. The new baby is likely going to feel the rejection from H not accepting her.

He wants to stay together and stay married because he doesn't want everyone's quality of life *financially speaking* to suffer from the divorce. We would all be struggling financially, but I feel like emotional stability is more important than a fancy house and spoiling our child. He told me if we divorced he's basically going to give up on relationships. For that reason he'd rather be married and have a miserable sex life than single and hopeless. That's a horrible state of mind to be in.

I'm hoping this is just one of the phases BS's go through. I already knew his first wife also cheated on him, but today he told me he also had a serious girlfriend cheat on him as well. And then me. So now he is questioning himself and has no self worth. I don't know how to deal with all of this right now... I'm hoping maybe I can help the situation before the baby comes. If things are this bleak when I'm physically able to set him free, I'm going to have to leave. I'm worried about our daughter associating the new baby with her parents separating, resulting in our daughter also disliking the baby.

Again I'm going crazy because I feel so horrible for hurting him but at the same time I'm so angry with him for hurting me. So confusing.
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post #75 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 06:36 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Based on his behavior before your affairs it's likely he abused his exes too but I bet he's not given one iota of thought to how he treats the women in his life. That's how abusers are, their behavior is normal and they're huge victims when their victims react.
This is further evidenced by his refusal to acknowledge his abusive behavior is unacceptable..... that's normal for him.

Of course he doesn't want a divorce, he'll have to pay and he won't have the satisfaction of a punching bag. You can't fix his issues. He's going to control you with more and abuse, if you stick around that's what you'll get.
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