One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 07:16 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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Originally Posted by rrhouse View Post
My husband and I have stayed married for 5 months after DD#2 where I admitted to kissing another man after four months of him trying to reconcile DD#1- A drunken two- night stand with a different person. Although we are still married, I wouldn't call it reconciliation, as we are in limbo until he decides to commit.
rrhouse
I don't think you are completely selfcentered, but maybe you are wanting to change in your favor to fast, I have reading your posts and let me tell ypu something.

5 months are nothing we have users that have been in the limbo undecided to reconcile or divorce for several more months and some even for a couple of years ("justgrinding", "mrMathias", "betrayeddad", and more recently "KingwoodKev") and most of them opted for trying R but it took them alot of time, and some divorced in the end.

Now what you call emotional abuse I almost sure is whiplashing if you have read about R also totally normal given the circumstances and more taking in consideration it has been JUST FIVE MONTHS, also the leaving the counselor thing, puff that is a given almost any Bs here has changed counselor once or twice when he/she says something they don't feel is right (and I have to say that many idiots that call themselves marital counselors just don't know a single thing about infidelity and R).

Lastly and most important YOU ARE PREGNANT, in you husband mind that is probably unfair if he is a good man at heart he probably feels unfairly forced to R, think about it, how a man can throw out his pregnant wife with a 3 yar old daughter, your case remind me at "MrMathias's case" who was in a similar predicament, he even in sarcastic manner claped his hands to his wife and told her well played (as if now he was forced to R), MrMathias even in one of his rants say something like "he would want the baby to be OM's so he can freely kick her out" but at heart he knew it was his, probably alot like what is happenin to your husband.

Being pregnant is from certain point of view very unfair to the BS (if is his of course), take his inmediate option out of the table, probably wondering how couod he live by leaving without father a newborn innocent of all, of course then is nomal for him to project his anger not just for the affair against you, but also for taking his choices out of the table at least for the moment.

think about it, and read more BS threads, you will find alot of lashing even in those with sucessfull reconcilation as EI and B1


One of the reasons I probably screw all my relationships in my 20's http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...stay-kids.html
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post #77 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 07:59 AM
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rrhouse
I don't think you are completely selfcentered, but maybe you are wanting to change in your favor to fast, I have reading your posts and let me tell ypu something.

5 months are nothing we have users that have been in the limbo undecided to reconcile or divorce for several more months and some even for a couple of years ("justgrinding", "mrMathias", "betrayeddad", and more recently "KingwoodKev") and most of them opted for trying R but it took them alot of time, and some divorced in the end.

Now what you call emotional abuse I almost sure is whiplashing if you have read about R also totally normal given the circumstances and more taking in consideration it has been JUST FIVE MONTHS, also the leaving the counselor thing, puff that is a given almost any Bs here has changed counselor once or twice when he/she says something they don't feel is right (and I have to say that many idiots that call themselves marital counselors just don't know a single thing about infidelity and R).

Lastly and most important YOU ARE PREGNANT, in you husband mind that is probably unfair if he is a good man at heart he probably feels unfairly forced to R, think about it, how a man can throw out his pregnant wife with a 3 yar old daughter, your case remind me at "MrMathias's case" who was in a similar predicament, he even in sarcastic manner claped his hands to his wife and told her well played (as if now he was forced to R), MrMathias even in one of his rants say something like "he would want the baby to be OM's so he can freely kick her out" but at heart he knew it was his, probably alot like what is happenin to your husband.

Being pregnant is from certain point of view very unfair to the BS (if is his of course), take his inmediate option out of the table, probably wondering how couod he live by leaving without father a newborn innocent of all, of course then is nomal for him to project his anger not just for the affair against you, but also for taking his choices out of the table at least for the moment.

think about it, and read more BS threads, you will find alot of lashing even in those with sucessfull reconcilation as EI and B1
I can't agree more. I am over 3 years out and the rage at this point is mostly gone I remember being in a bad place for a long time.
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post #78 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 11:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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Based on his behavior before your affairs it's likely he abused his exes too but I bet he's not given one iota of thought to how he treats the women in his life. That's how abusers are, their behavior is normal and they're huge victims when their victims react.
This is further evidenced by his refusal to acknowledge his abusive behavior is unacceptable..... that's normal for him.

Of course he doesn't want a divorce, he'll have to pay and he won't have the satisfaction of a punching bag. You can't fix his issues. He's going to control you with more and abuse, if you stick around that's what you'll get.
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The funny thing is his past girlfriend and wife cheated on him because he was TOO clingy. He was overprotective and wanted to be with them all the time. I became distant because I thought he didn't care and I lost hope for the marriage.

To be clear-- I cheated because I wasn't handling the situation correctly, but the distance was caused by him pushing me away. I don't want anyone to think I'm saying I cheated because he didn't care
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post #79 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 12:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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Originally Posted by manticore View Post
rrhouse
I don't think you are completely selfcentered, but maybe you are wanting to change in your favor to fast, I have reading your posts and let me tell ypu something.

5 months are nothing we have users that have been in the limbo undecided to reconcile or divorce for several more months and some even for a couple of years ("justgrinding", "mrMathias", "betrayeddad", and more recently "KingwoodKev") and most of them opted for trying R but it took them alot of time, and some divorced in the end.

Now what you call emotional abuse I almost sure is whiplashing if you have read about R also totally normal given the circumstances and more taking in consideration it has been JUST FIVE MONTHS, also the leaving the counselor thing, puff that is a given almost any Bs here has changed counselor once or twice when he/she says something they don't feel is right (and I have to say that many idiots that call themselves marital counselors just don't know a single thing about infidelity and R).

Part of my confusion is that he was emotionally abusive before I ever cheated. He will agree with this. He knows he was bored with life- or whatever- and would come home from work, get drunk, and pick on me on a regular basis because it was entertainment for him. Sometimes he'll deny this and say he was mean to me because I was trying to "flex my balls" by asking him to help me raise our daughter instead of drinking and belittling me all the time. He said something along the lines of "mothers don't hold a candle to what a man does at work. In the end, money is everything". Basically because I didn't contribute financially, I was nothing. I had no say in the marriage and my opinions/feelings/needs were beneath him.

Now that I have cheated, I'm trying to discern what anger and blowups are a natural response to the betrayal, and what's inappropriate and abusive. There's a big gray area there and it's making me feel crazy. I wonder if I'm making excuses for him, or if I really deserve everything he throws at me. My family and friends know all the gory details of the cheating and still think his behavior is inappropriate- urging me to leave. I still have a heart and blame some (ALOT) of this anger on my own actions, but need to draw a line. My question is- where do I draw it?


Lastly and most important YOU ARE PREGNANT, in you husband mind that is probably unfair if he is a good man at heart he probably feels unfairly forced to R, think about it, how a man can throw out his pregnant wife with a 3 yar old daughter, your case remind me at "MrMathias's case" who was in a similar predicament, he even in sarcastic manner claped his hands to his wife and told her well played (as if now he was forced to R), MrMathias even in one of his rants say something like "he would want the baby to be OM's so he can freely kick her out" but at heart he knew it was his, probably alot like what is happenin to your husband.

I dug around and read up on this story, and it's much different from mine aside from the pregnancy. In fact, my husband also clapped his hands and said, "Well played." Funny, but not. There was some question about the second OM that I kissed. My husband suspected there was more to it because the OM wouldn't come forward and verify my story. This was about a month before I conceived, and I hid the kiss from my H until AFTER I was pregnant. So yes, he felt trapped. He still feels trapped and was questioning paternity.

A few nights ago H told me he had a nightmare and he "just knew" there was more to the kiss story than I told him, which is untrue. It was a kiss. I was able to finally get the A-Hole OM to respond to me via email about the kiss and confirm that it was, in fact, just a kiss- just one meetup when I was drunk and actually wanted to hang out with his sister- not him. H thought I was dating this guy for months or something, which is understandable. But now that the OM answered and confirmed the truth, that helps a tiny bit. H is still pissed that he would not have impregnated me had he known about the kiss when it happened, instead of a week after I got the positive preg test and decided to fess up. In his heart he knew the baby was his the whole time, but as a good man he feels trapped. I get it.

And, like Mrs and Mr Mathias, H and I had been having unprotected sex since our daughter was born without incident. This pregnancy just happened to occur in a short period of time when my cycle was literally a week off, due to my period coming late the month before. Perhaps it was stress, I don't know. I know that's TMI but the bottom line is, I didn't plan the pregnancy as a trap. The last thing we needed on top of everything was a baby. He didn't even want the baby before he know about the OM#2 kiss. In fact, he tried to bully me into abortion by threatening to call me a wh*re on facebook for all of our friends and family to see (To which I responded, go for it- I'd be more ashamed of aborting a baby because my husband bullied me into it). Only after discovery of OM#2 did he have a real excuse to call the baby a "trophy of betrayal".




Being pregnant is from certain point of view very unfair to the BS (if is his of course), take his inmediate option out of the table, probably wondering how couod he live by leaving without father a newborn innocent of all, of course then is nomal for him to project his anger not just for the affair against you, but also for taking his choices out of the table at least for the moment.

think about it, and read more BS threads, you will find alot of lashing even in those with sucessfull reconcilation as EI and B1


I read TAM all the time and understand that the anger lasts a long time. I tend to ramble a little, but I have a lot to say about the things you said. I try to be accommodating to the things that make him tick. I don't talk about the baby around him. I named her myself, I go to appointments by myself, I told my family to keep their mouths shut about it, I don't post on Facebook every four seconds like all my pregnant friends.... I'm really trying to be empathetic here.

At the same time I'm concerned for this baby. My three year old also knows "daddy doesn't like the baby", and I get the feeling my husband is going to resent me later on because of his own choice to detach from this baby. It's really a lose/lose either way. I'm just ready to decide what's best for the whole family and move forward. Staying here on my knees as the "attention-seeking wh*re" I'm defined as right now- in his eyes- is not where I need to be. I need to be a person who is growing, MADE some horrible decisions, and is now MAKING positive changes.

Again I apologize for rambling. I'm deep in thought today.
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post #80 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 12:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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Originally Posted by BURNT KEP View Post
I can't agree more. I am over 3 years out and the rage at this point is mostly gone I remember being in a bad place for a long time.
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That's reassuring to hear, although I'm sorry you suffered and are suffering for so long. If there's one thing I've learned from all of this, it's that cheating is extremely damaging and lasts a lifetime, regardless of the outcome. That's why I am trying to be extremely patient and understanding.
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post #81 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 12:40 PM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Anger is acceptable, abuse is not.
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post #82 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 01:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

This whole situation just has me so confused. I've been getting panic attacks and anxiety almost every day since the big blowup last week and again a few days ago. The whole situation in general is just shameful and I'm looking at myself like some evil disgusting person.

I'm feeling anxious with the upcoming due date, uncertainty of whether or not I'll have another c-section, if things will go wrong, will my husband make the delivery even more traumatic? Will I get post-partum and be one of those crazy moms who drives off a cliff or something?I'm so afraid of all the stress surrounding this situation and feel guilty that my whole family is here because of me. Maybe it's hormones or something but I'm just really overwhelmed and feeling dizzy and out of it with anxiety.

I'm totally not looking for sympathy, just venting a little. I'm hoping that writing all of that out will help it subside. I'm sure my husband is filled with similar uncertainties about himself and the upcoming due date. There's so much tension in this house. I feel crazy.
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post #83 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 01:11 PM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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Originally Posted by rrhouse View Post
This whole situation just has me so confused. I've been getting panic attacks and anxiety almost every day since the big blowup last week.
Have you started reading the book? You need to understand what you're dealing with.
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post #84 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 01:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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Have you started reading the book? You need to understand what you're dealing with.

I have, thank you. I am having a hard time imagining my husband as some sort of manipulative mastermind, as the book describes it. The examples she gives though are so close to my situation, it's scary. Nothing is ever good enough, his insults are jokes, making me feel guilty for standing up for myself, etc. I listened to one of my recordings of him yelling yesterday while my daughter was at school. He is great at twisting things and changing topics without me realizing. It's scary and at the same time I'm in disbelief that he could do these things. I swear I'm going crazy. We're both messed up people if you think about it. It's sick that we can both be so mean.
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post #85 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 02:11 PM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Most abusers are not really manipulative masterminds, at least not CONSCIOUSLY. But they DO SUBconsciously figure out what they need to do to maintain control.

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post #86 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 02:35 PM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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Most abusers are not really manipulative masterminds, at least not CONSCIOUSLY. But they DO SUBconsciously figure out what they need to do to maintain control.


This exactly.

Ultimately though, he's got to make a decision. I really think you just need to sit him down, one-on-one if he can't agree to do so with a marriage counselor, and tell him that you need him to make a decision about whether he will be able to forgive you and move on, or not. I think enough time has passed that he isn't still lost in the emotional shock of the situation, he's actively holding onto it for dear life and refusing to let go. You can continue to be committed to doing whatever you can do to help him heal of course, and you should if he's willing, but he has to make the decision now. You definitely screwed up and have been rightfully dealing with the consequences of your choice, but you shouldn't have to deal with this pregnancy and birth alone, and your children shouldn't be held responsible either.

Without question, it's a lousy situation for everyone involved. Certainly everyone involved is a victim, but both of you have to decide to not be victims anymore, one way or the other.

I confess, I tend to write the way I imagine I would speak if the discussion were happening in person. That means that I tend to ramble a lot, illustrate extensively, make used of a lot of analogies, etc. I apologize after the fact for the (likely long) length of my posts.
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post #87 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 03:09 PM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

One of the better articles I've seen:

Examples of Verbal and Emotional Abuse

- By Aames

WHAT THEY DO:

Ridicule or insult you then tell you it's a joke, or that you have no sense of humor.
Put down your beliefs, religion, race, heritage - or that of your family / friends.
Withhold approval, appreciation or affection.
Give you the silent treatment.
Ignore direct questions...Walk away without answering.
Criticize you, call you names, yell at you.
Humiliate you privately or in public.
Roll his or her eyes ... or mimic you when you talk.
Disrespect or insult you, then tell you that you're too sensitive.
Seem energized by arguing, while arguing exhausts you.
Have unpredictable mood swings, alternating between good and bad for no apparent reason.
"Twist" your words, somehow turning whatever you say against you.
Complain about how badly you treat him or her.
Threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out.
Say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad.
Compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure.
Harass you about imagined affairs.
Manipulate you with lies and contradictions.
Act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors.
Question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence.
Constantly interrupt you while you're trying to make your point.
Make you feel like you can never win : damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are the one with the "problem" - not them.
Try to convince you that they are "right," while you are "wrong".
Frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding.

What it feels like

- By Aames

Abuse can have a confusing. hurtful. frightening effect which makes you feel emotionally unsafe. You may begin to doubt yourself, your senses, your opinions, memories, beliefs, feelings, abilities and judgment. You may begin to express your opinions less and less freely and find yourself doubting your sense of reality. You are likely to feel vulnerable, insecure, increasingly trapped and powerless. This may lead you to become defensive and increasingly depressed.

Abuse victims often find themselves "walking on eggshells" around the abuser, hyper vigilant and afraid of when - and how - to say something.

You may find yourself constantly on your "best" behavior around an abuser, unable to relax or enjoy the moment because you are always anticipating the worst. Even when the abuser is in a good mood, you are likely to keep waiting for "the other shoe to drop".

You may also begin to blame yourself for their bad mood, behaviors or actions and hope things will change, especially through your own love and understanding.

People who are abused often long for the nicer, caring side of their partner, family member, friend, boss or co-worker to come back. You may find yourself making excuses for their bad behavior and choosing to focus mainly on getting them back into their good behavior state.

Coping with Emotional Abuse

You have two basic options – remain present during an episode of abuse, or leave.

In the short run they are about equal in pain, but in the long run, leaving during an outburst is better. For one thing, leaving makes it harder for you to do something stupid yourself (such as retaliate). It also makes it impossible for anything worse to happen directly to you after you leave. Leaving during an outburst sends a clear “This is not OK” message. It won’t be appreciated, but it will not be forgotten quickly either.

Leaving also helps remind you that YOU are in control - not the person with the Personality Disorder - and it gives you an opportunity to debrief to a supportive friend.

It’s a good idea to have a plan of what you will do and where you will go the next time an outburst hits. This will make a gracious exit more possible the next time you are confronted with verbal or emotional abuse. It helps enormously to have a friend or family member you can pre-arrange with to show up at a moment’s notice whenever necessary. If not, maybe you can find a local low-cost hotel where you can get a safe room for the night.

You may want to have a ‘bail out’ kit which has your credit cards, essential medications and important documents already packed so you don’t need to linger when you need to get out in a hurry.

If at all possible, pre-arrange with a friend whom you can call (even during the night) just to talk to if you find yourself in a situation like this. Just having someone on the end of the line who won’t attack or judge you harshly for the way you feel is an enormous relief. You can also call a Domestic Violence hotline or crisis line for support and for a reality check. As the adage says: You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it.

What NOT to do

Don’t remain in the same room with a person who is abusing you. Remove yourself from the situation as quickly as you safely can.
Don’t try to handle it all on your own. Call for supportive help and call the police if any threats or violence occur.
Don’t try to reason with someone who is abusing you. When you are confronted with aggressive behavior there can be a temptation to stand your ground, explain your position and argue for what you feel is right. A person who is trying to hurt you emotionally or verbally is unlikely to see reason.
Don’t fight fire with fire and reciprocate. You will regret it and probably find yourself still apologizing for it years later.
Don’t ignore it, steel yourself and tell yourself that you can handle it and that it does not affect you. Unless you are a robot your feelings are going to be hurt and your behavior is going to change far beyond the moment, whether you admit it or not. The reality is that when your boundaries are being crossed you are being hurt. Ignoring it increases the likelihood that the situation will repeat itself.
Don’t hide it from others. Most long-term cases of abuse stay that way because the victim stays silent.
What TO do

Remember you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it.
Get yourself and any children out of the room and out of the house as quickly and safely as you can.
If violence or threats of violence have occurred, call the police immediately.
Stay away from the situation until the abuse stops and you feel calmer and safe.
Call at least one trusted confidant and tell them what has happened.

Out of the FOG - Emotional Abuse
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post #88 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-22-2015, 09:27 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
One of the better articles I've seen:

Examples of Verbal and Emotional Abuse

- By Aames

WHAT THEY DO:

Ridicule or insult you then tell you it's a joke, or that you have no sense of humor.
Put down your beliefs, religion, race, heritage - or that of your family / friends.
Withhold approval, appreciation or affection.
Give you the silent treatment.
Ignore direct questions...Walk away without answering.
Criticize you, call you names, yell at you.
Humiliate you privately or in public.
Roll his or her eyes ... or mimic you when you talk.
Disrespect or insult you, then tell you that you're too sensitive.
Seem energized by arguing, while arguing exhausts you.
Have unpredictable mood swings, alternating between good and bad for no apparent reason.
"Twist" your words, somehow turning whatever you say against you.
Complain about how badly you treat him or her.
Threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out.
Say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad.
Compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure.
Harass you about imagined affairs.
Manipulate you with lies and contradictions.
Act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors.
Question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence.
Constantly interrupt you while you're trying to make your point.
Make you feel like you can never win : damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are the one with the "problem" - not them.
Try to convince you that they are "right," while you are "wrong".
Frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding.

What it feels like

- By Aames

Abuse can have a confusing. hurtful. frightening effect which makes you feel emotionally unsafe. You may begin to doubt yourself, your senses, your opinions, memories, beliefs, feelings, abilities and judgment. You may begin to express your opinions less and less freely and find yourself doubting your sense of reality. You are likely to feel vulnerable, insecure, increasingly trapped and powerless. This may lead you to become defensive and increasingly depressed.

Abuse victims often find themselves "walking on eggshells" around the abuser, hyper vigilant and afraid of when - and how - to say something.

You may find yourself constantly on your "best" behavior around an abuser, unable to relax or enjoy the moment because you are always anticipating the worst. Even when the abuser is in a good mood, you are likely to keep waiting for "the other shoe to drop".

You may also begin to blame yourself for their bad mood, behaviors or actions and hope things will change, especially through your own love and understanding.

People who are abused often long for the nicer, caring side of their partner, family member, friend, boss or co-worker to come back. You may find yourself making excuses for their bad behavior and choosing to focus mainly on getting them back into their good behavior state.

Coping with Emotional Abuse

You have two basic options – remain present during an episode of abuse, or leave.

In the short run they are about equal in pain, but in the long run, leaving during an outburst is better. For one thing, leaving makes it harder for you to do something stupid yourself (such as retaliate). It also makes it impossible for anything worse to happen directly to you after you leave. Leaving during an outburst sends a clear “This is not OK” message. It won’t be appreciated, but it will not be forgotten quickly either.

Leaving also helps remind you that YOU are in control - not the person with the Personality Disorder - and it gives you an opportunity to debrief to a supportive friend.

It’s a good idea to have a plan of what you will do and where you will go the next time an outburst hits. This will make a gracious exit more possible the next time you are confronted with verbal or emotional abuse. It helps enormously to have a friend or family member you can pre-arrange with to show up at a moment’s notice whenever necessary. If not, maybe you can find a local low-cost hotel where you can get a safe room for the night.

You may want to have a ‘bail out’ kit which has your credit cards, essential medications and important documents already packed so you don’t need to linger when you need to get out in a hurry.

If at all possible, pre-arrange with a friend whom you can call (even during the night) just to talk to if you find yourself in a situation like this. Just having someone on the end of the line who won’t attack or judge you harshly for the way you feel is an enormous relief. You can also call a Domestic Violence hotline or crisis line for support and for a reality check. As the adage says: You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it.

What NOT to do

Don’t remain in the same room with a person who is abusing you. Remove yourself from the situation as quickly as you safely can.
Don’t try to handle it all on your own. Call for supportive help and call the police if any threats or violence occur.
Don’t try to reason with someone who is abusing you. When you are confronted with aggressive behavior there can be a temptation to stand your ground, explain your position and argue for what you feel is right. A person who is trying to hurt you emotionally or verbally is unlikely to see reason.
Don’t fight fire with fire and reciprocate. You will regret it and probably find yourself still apologizing for it years later.
Don’t ignore it, steel yourself and tell yourself that you can handle it and that it does not affect you. Unless you are a robot your feelings are going to be hurt and your behavior is going to change far beyond the moment, whether you admit it or not. The reality is that when your boundaries are being crossed you are being hurt. Ignoring it increases the likelihood that the situation will repeat itself.
Don’t hide it from others. Most long-term cases of abuse stay that way because the victim stays silent.
What TO do

Remember you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it.
Get yourself and any children out of the room and out of the house as quickly and safely as you can.
If violence or threats of violence have occurred, call the police immediately.
Stay away from the situation until the abuse stops and you feel calmer and safe.
Call at least one trusted confidant and tell them what has happened.

Out of the FOG - Emotional Abuse


I checked off all but a few of these abusive traits, and these are things he did before I ever betrayed him.

He is now planning to "ignore me as much as possible" and stay married. This will keep our daughter (he never acknowledge his second daughter we're expecting) with us under the same roof, because he doesn't want to divorce and start over . It would be too much work.

I think this is CRAZY and honestly it just hurts. He basically said he doesn't want me around but gas no choice. I'm leaving as soon as I'm physically able to. This is so unhealthy. Thank you again for the info and advice .
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post #89 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-22-2015, 09:33 PM Thread Starter
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Another weird thing. .. last night he spent hours in his office drinking and looking at porn. He emailed me a old video of us being intimate and said "remember this?" I was putting our kid to bed so I didn't get a chance to see it or talk to him about it until today.

He just said "I was going through old stuff and saw that." That was his only explanation. Wtf?
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post #90 of 228 (permalink) Old 01-23-2015, 01:35 PM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Him sending you that video is odd... could be a number of reasons...

Could be him just trying to hurt you some more, a "guilt trip" of sorts, like saying, "Hey Remember our good times? Remember how you enjoyed this? But you still threw it all away? Yep, are you happy now??" If so, remember that this is likely just his (cruel) way of dealing with his own pain/anger that he seems to be holding onto tightly.

It could be him feeling sad or nostalgic. Sending it to you as if you remind you of a positive memory that you too might miss or wish you could have back again as well.

I probably would have told him off in that situation, calmly. Asking why he would send that to you? If that's something he wants with you again, then say so and start working with you to make that happen. If he is just trying to be mean, then he and his repeated cruelty can just go f**k himself. Heck, getting upset about it might show him that it hurts you too, that it still means something to you. (Obviously it does, but he might be doubtful)

I confess, I tend to write the way I imagine I would speak if the discussion were happening in person. That means that I tend to ramble a lot, illustrate extensively, make used of a lot of analogies, etc. I apologize after the fact for the (likely long) length of my posts.
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