My problem now is that my husband will not commit to reconciliation nor divorce. He feels that I could not give our child a good life on my own and he doesn't want to hurt our daughter by divorcing me. So technically he's married to our daughter right now, because he makes it clear most of the time that he's not interested in me.
And that is a problem for reconciliation. But sorry to say, its something you are just going to have to put up with for a while until he decides what is going to happen. Remember, you did this to him. Its painful and makes even the most rational of us act irrational.
I am trying so very hard to help him heal: I paid for counseling for a month- he decided he didn't want to go anymore because the counselor "sucks"
Does he see the counselor as being on your side of things or shifting blame to him? Or is it just and excuse not to go?
I cut off friends involved with the affair, I don't go anywhere alone unless I'm running errands, I have ONE friend that I talk to that he is nice to her face and mean behind her back, I have been quiet about the pregnancy because he didn't want it, I delete males on Facebook as he picks them out and decides I might cheat on him with them, I let him vent and yell and call me names and don't expect an apology, and I'm still going to IC. What more can I do?
First off I don't condone the name calling (although if it is anything related to "cheater", I don't blame him)
What more can you do? Be patient. IF he decides its time to let it go, it needs to be on his timetable. Isn't much more you can do other than that.
If I were to stay with a cheating partner, they'd have to be at least doing the things you are already doing.
He still calls me a ****, says he doesn't want the baby, yet he doesn't want a divorce, is angry that I'm doing positive things with myself because I should be on his level of depression.. He spends several days a week drinking at bars with his friend and then coming home and letting me have it in the form of a drunken monologue/rant. I just can't figure out ways to help him heal. He keeps saying "You fix it!" but I can only do so much on my own.
He may be in too much pain to reconcile. Its a heavy blow to be dealt. I understand his anger and his roller coaster of emotions. (but his calling you specific names isn't acceptable)
So at this point you have only 2 choices since you are already doing things expected of a WS that is supposed to be in reconciliation.
1) give it more time, be patient with him
or 2) realize that its never going to get better and take steps towards divorce