One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #106 of 228 (permalink) Old 03-10-2015, 12:00 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Yooooo rr... how you be?


Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #107 of 228 (permalink) Old 03-16-2015, 11:39 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Something about this thread doesn't sit well with me.

This is one of the few instances where I can say that we are definitely getting only one side of the story. There is just way too much blameshifting on the BS.

I don't buy that his previous relationships all cheated on him soley because he's a neglectful doosh.
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post #108 of 228 (permalink) Old 03-17-2015, 11:29 PM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Something about this thread doesn't sit well with me.

This is one of the few instances where I can say that we are definitely getting only one side of the story. There is just way too much blameshifting on the BS.

I don't buy that his previous relationships all cheated on him soley because he's a neglectful doosh.
douche
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post #109 of 228 (permalink) Old 03-21-2015, 01:39 PM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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douche
Doosh
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post #110 of 228 (permalink) Old 04-30-2015, 12:56 PM
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First like to say I am sorry for what you two are going through. Just so you might see some of the other side. One don't blame him he didn't have the affairs. You should be owning that you sought comfort elsewhere without trying to fix the problem. Two trust is earned back over time you did it twice that's a whole lot of earning that's not going to happen right away it took quite a lot of time to break your marriage it will take a lot to fix. That being said it doesn't sound like he wants to. But we can be emotional wrecks us humans when blindsided. I often out of the blue have panic and small bouts of depression mainly over the fact that I feel he broke us. We did finally commit and drew a line and from that point on I have made myself deal with my insecurity that creeps in. He also allowed me to put a gps on him so I don't have to trust right off I can see where he is when I need to. I helps me don't know if it is for everyone. But we love each other and it's worth the effort for us both to make it right again. Don't mean to offend so hopefully I didn't just want to give you a different view. You know your situation better than people here what are you willing to do and what is he willing to do. That's the big question for you two. Best of luck
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post #111 of 228 (permalink) Old 05-18-2015, 12:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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Yooooo rr... how you be?
I'm still here, Gus.

We are still working on the marriage. Our youngest was born two weeks early in March, and she is now 8 weeks. Between school and kids I've been very overwhelmed, so I haven't been on here much. My husband was very supportive when the baby born and is now committed to reconciliation, but he is rugsweeping.

As much as you'd think a WW would want to rugsweep, I don't like it. I wish he would talk things out when something triggers him, or if he's just having a bad day. Instead he keeps it bottled up and is in a pretty foul mood most of the time.

Although he cares for our new child, he told me he doesn't love her like he does our first child. He isn't bonding with her and says he "cares for her, but still thinks of her as a trophy of deception." I hate this for her. She didn't choose to be a part of this.

All in all, things are a thousand times better, but I still have some resentment for things that happened, fear that he will explode or just give up, regret for the things I've done, etc. We are putting this behind us and I am so grateful, but I'm letting a lot of bad behavior from him slip as well. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm happy that he has at least committed to the marriage 100%.

Thank you for the input, everyone. I could go on and on but I'll just leave this brief update.
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post #112 of 228 (permalink) Old 05-18-2015, 12:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Something about this thread doesn't sit well with me.

This is one of the few instances where I can say that we are definitely getting only one side of the story. There is just way too much blameshifting on the BS.

I don't buy that his previous relationships all cheated on him soley because he's a neglectful doosh.
I'm not trying to blameshift, Bandit. I may not have posted it in this thread, but somewhere on TAM I have suggested that maybe the problem is in the type of women he is attracted to. Young, insecure, etc.

I fully own the things I've done, and I started this thread wondering where to draw the line with his reactions. I still let alot of his bad behavior fly because I know I was wrong. I just don't know how much of what he does/did is normal BS behavior, or just the same emotional abuse as always with the excuse of betrayal stamped on it.

A lot of his current behavior is justified by him with the end-all argument "AT least I'm not cheating". That's a card he pulls any time I express frustration with his behavior- and frankly it's not fair. I think that once he commits to reconciliation, that shouldn't be unfairly used to make me feel like sh*t in any argument.
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post #113 of 228 (permalink) Old 05-19-2015, 07:53 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Good to hear from you. He needs to bond with his child. The child is not another man's, I could understand that, so he needs to love his baby fully.

It will impact the child very negatively if he doesn't.
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post #114 of 228 (permalink) Old 05-20-2015, 11:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

I guess by posting here that things were working out, I jinxed myself.

We were getting along fine until Saturday night. We were being intimate and I got frustrated because he was too drunk to perform (it was becoming painful for me and the baby woke up so I needed to FEED her), so I said we should try again Sunday. He got angry and started throwing stuff around and acting childish. He was upset because my night with OM was a long, drunk night in which neither of us could perform, but I didn't stop OM. That tiny detail that differed from my husband's and my experience Saturday night set him off and triggered him. OM got to finish and he didn't, so that's apparently a reason to lash out.

Now he is angry with me again like the affair happened last weekend. Silent treatment, if we do speak, he's telling me I'm a ***** and he's trapped in this marriage, etc. Mind you, he's upset with me because I stopped having sex because it was painful AND my baby was crying, and his biggest concern is that he didn't get to finish. For me, that is just the final straw and I'm done trying to please him. I just had a c-section and the whole area is still healing, yet he's angry with me for stopping intercourse because it's too painful. Am I a prostitute? Am I not a human being? Did I lose all rights to my feelings when I cheated? I don't know.

I'm looking for a job and quietly getting my ducks in a row to leave. I will file for custody and then file for child support. He is too drunk to be around the kids every day. I won't subject them to belligerent tirades and conversations about how I "owe him sex". Ridiculous. I asked him if he would want his daughters married to a man that angrily demands sex, and he said "If they're raised by you, they'll put themselves in situations like this where sex is expected". I don't think so. Women don't "owe" men anything sexual. Ever.

Side note:

He is also legitimately angry because sometimes I joke about giving him sexual favors if he brings me food from the bar he's always at. It's a JOKE- "I'll give you [sexual favor] for a cheeseburger!" Sometimes I will actually do it because I enjoy doing nice things for my husband, and sometimes I don't because I'm not a prostitute. Last week I didn't because he came home so drunk he passed out at the kitchen table while eating said cheeseburgers... and he stayed there several hours after I tried to wake him up to go to bed. Apparently he took me seriously and now I'm a manipulative liar because I owe him several sexual favors for cheeseburgers I've received over the past several months. And he's completely serious. He thinks I am some sort of manipulative mastermind and I frequently lied to him so I could get some cheeseburgers.

Side note: I was pregnant and hungry, and he spent/spends a lot of time in bars.
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post #115 of 228 (permalink) Old 05-20-2015, 11:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Long story short: Husband believes that because I was ****ty once, I should degrade myself for the rest of our marriage if he wants me to. I will never rise above the horrible person I was if I keep doing degrading things.

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post #116 of 228 (permalink) Old 05-21-2015, 12:31 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Time for divorce.
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post #117 of 228 (permalink) Old 05-21-2015, 12:50 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

And you need to go back to school, increase your job skills, and stop relying on this man to help support you and the kids. Get some counseling, figure yourself out and stop looking for men to fulfill your needs. That is half your damn problem right there.

He's a drunk. Plain and simple. I'm a recovering alcoholic and I know one when I see one. He's also a conflict avoider, so the only time he has courage to get angry with you is when he's on the bottle. He lacks coping skills and the ability to be a
partner in a marriage.

Yeah, it's time to stick a fork in this marriage.
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post #118 of 228 (permalink) Old 05-21-2015, 01:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

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And you need to go back to school, increase your job skills, and stop relying on this man to help support you and the kids. Get some counseling, figure yourself out and stop looking for men to fulfill your needs. That is half your damn problem right there.

He's a drunk. Plain and simple. I'm a recovering alcoholic and I know one when I see one. He's also a conflict avoider, so the only time he has courage to get angry with you is when he's on the bottle. He lacks coping skills and the ability to be a
partner in a marriage.

Yeah, it's time to stick a fork in this marriage.



I'm currently pursuing my master's- I have 2 semesters left, if even that. I'm also in counseling to work on building confidence on my own, without the approval of men. I started last year.

I really wish we could work it out, but it's just not going to happen. Right now I need to think about the example this is setting for our kids, and gtfo. It sucks. I tried my best to make it work.
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post #119 of 228 (permalink) Old 05-21-2015, 01:10 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Right now all he wants to,do is drown his sorrows in booze...not deal with the issues in your relationship.

Find an AlAnon group in your area and go to a few meetings. It is free and is a great resource that will show you ways to cope with having a husband who is an alcoholic.
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post #120 of 228 (permalink) Old 05-21-2015, 07:34 AM
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Re: One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

Have you considered that by sticking around and accepting this treatment you send the message that it's ok to treat you like that? You say it's not but you're still there so clearly it is.

Why should he respect you, since you don't respect yourself? Quite possible be knows he treats you poorly but you accept it. We teach people how to treat us, and what you consider not giving up he sees as pathetic doormat behavior.

You don't respect you so why should he? Abusers often find people like this.
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