I guess what I'm saying is that I keep hearing this:
50% of the state of the marriage pre-affair is the responsibility of the WS, 50% is the responsibility of the BS. 100% of the affair is the responsibility of the WS.
It's important to note that, while this is a general rule, it isn't something that's set in stone. After all, these numbers are likely to be skewed to some degree in most situations, even if the spread is something as slight as 50.1/49.9. And, in some cases, it's probably as severe at 90/10. (And, to be clear, I'm not saying that the WS will always own the larger share... not at all.)
Anyway, in the more extreme cases, any "blame" leveled at the party to whom the lesser share belongs may very well be due solely to the fact that he or she went along and put up w/ the status quo as opposed to addressing (or, at the very least, attempting to address) the problems in the marriage. And, of course, that's assuming that he or she didn't do so/attempt to do so.
Own your bullsh*t and insist that he do the same. He doesn't get a free pass for treating you like sh*t either before OR after the affair (and certainly
not both before AND after), and anyone telling him that he should is toxic to both him and to your marriage.
I feel like I'm doing a lot of the heavy lifting to help us both heal from my decisions. I recognize problems in myself that led to me cheating instead of just being a mature adult and handling it differently.
^This^ is the heavy lifting that YOU
rightfully own. Having said that...
At the same time I feel like he his now blaming his 50% of our marital issues pre-affair on the affair itself, and now refusing to acknowledge them.
The affair and the crappy state of the marriage prior to the affair need to be addressed separately. If he fails to recognize and acknowledge this, he'll never own up to the heavy lifting that HE
Because of this, we're in the same place we were before, and this time I'm not cheating. I'm just miserable. Even if he did forgive me, if the marriage continues like this, I can't stay. I've been told over and over that it's abuse, and I can't deal with it.
Nor should you be expected to do so.
He is going to have to make some realizations about himself and make some changes as well.[/B]