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seperated 4 months

24K views 194 replies 19 participants last post by  TakingSteps 
#1 ·
My wife left me 4 months ago saying she needed a deeper emotional life and to always be treated with respect, not only when I was on my good behavior.we are together 26 years, married 17 and have a 12 yr old daughter.She wants to work on a seperation agreement because she doesn't trust me, she hasn't even given me her address. I know I drank too much, was controlling, critical, negative, etc. Since she left me I stopped drinking, am in therapy and am treating her respectfully. Shs has said she is open to some sort of relationship in the future but cannot promise anything, she doesnt know how she will heal. She sends me funny emails sometimes and we are getting along, we are in contact a lot because of transfering my daughter. I love my wife and will do anything to be with her in a new healthy way. Any suggestions, I am still depressed and having a hard time.
 
#2 ·
A few questions:

I've gotta ask, do you believe your wife is being completely honest with you? Is it possible that she's involved in some way with another man (Emotionally, physically, "bestie" friends, etc.)? Has she ever cheated on you before, via EA or PA? Was there any odd behavior prior to her moving out?

By "Separation agreement" I assume you mean a genuine "Legal Separation" and not just a marriage counseling style conduct agreement, right? (Those are always important if a separation of any kind is inevitable) If so, what is her reasoning for wanting the legal separation now? Why now vs. four months ago when she first left? A legal separation, just so you understand, is basically a divorce except in name, so that's a pretty big escalation. Also, has she said why she doesn't want you to know where she lives? (Is it possible she's living with someone else?)

You allude to a few of your failings/problems personally, but can you expand that a bit? Were you a daily alcoholic? Were you ever physically abusive? Were you prone to yelling/cursing at her a lot, or just losing your temper? In what ways did your "controlling" behavior manifest? Have you ever cheated on her, via EA or PA? How was the sex life?

Regarding your comment about her being "open to some sort of relationship in the future but can't promise anything" has it ever been determined that one possible future is the both of you reconciling in full in a rebuilt, loving and committed marriage? Sometimes a wayward wife might say something like that, but its often just another way of saying, "I'm open to us just being friends in the future."

"I love my wife and will do anything to be with her in a new healthy way." While you may genuinely mean this, it is usually best to not let your separated partner know this unless you are the one primarily responsible for the separation, like if you cheated on her, lost your temper and became physical with her, etc. Eventually, even if no one did anything dramatically wrong (like adultery, physical violence, long term emotional abuse, etc.), you eventually have to make a decision that you can't wait forever and be willing to show him/her that you can move on without.
 
#3 ·
I am sure there is no man at this time, she never cheated, she just gave up hope that i would change. She wanted a legal seperation 4 months ago but it has taken time to get together because she is not settled, this is hurting her a lot too. She said she wants it so something is concrete, it would still give me a year before it could be divorce so i have that time to somehow reconcile even though she is not willing at this time. She hasnt told me where she lives because it is close by and wants her space to heal and doesnt trust that i wont just drop and i believe this is true. I think by relationship in the future it means being together as she has already said she needs to be just friends right now. I do believe my behavior is the main reason as i have promised to change many times but always went back to my old behaviors. I was too critical,negative,judgemental, financially controlling and drank too much, not every day but too much. She has said that i am doing good work now and that it is great but she still doesnt trust me yet. I do believe i have finally woken up after losing my family and that i will never go back to what i was weather or not we get back together. So what do I do to get her to reconsider and work with me, as i said i have a year. I will keep changing for the better and she will see that but how do i reconect with her. I have been too needy, apologetic and have promised to change during the seperation but i now know this is hurting my chances and have stopped. We are getting along when we communicate and she has initiated contace by sending me funny emails. How do i reconect with her, I know i need to be patient and so I am not ready to move on, I truly love my wife and want to do whatever it takes to be together while there still might be a chance.
 
#21 ·
She said she wants it so something is concrete, it would still give me a year before it could be divorce so i have that time to somehow reconcile even though she is not willing at this time.

I am not ready to move on, I truly love my wife and want to do whatever it takes to be together while there still might be a chance.
I've cut your comment down to these points, and I know where you are with these thoughts..

I'm in a similar situation with timeframe and the best thing you can do is let TIME do what it is going to do.. You can't do anything at the moment anyway.. Basically, your M is dead.. Trust me, I had to get my head around this as well but when you do, you will be in a better place..


Second point.. You want to even have a 1% shot at getting her back??.. MOVE ON.. I get it, you truly love your wife.. I love my WAW too but where has your love got you so far in your S??.. Nowhere, same as me..

A LOT of vets on here told me to date.. I'll pass that advice on to you.. No one is saying forget your wife, stop loving her or jump in to your next marriage.. Go for a walk in the park, talk to that cute jogger you see and then ask her for a coffee.. Got a positive answer??.. Then go to the coffee shop across the road and have one.. Say thanks and I'll see you around after it is done.. See, date without "date"..
 
#4 ·
Also i was never physically abusive, but i was angry a lot. I never cheated on her but i dont think she fully believes this. I was closed off a lot of the times emotionally as well. I was financially controlling. The sex life was ok, it could have been better. A lot of my problem stem from never resolving issues from my childhood, and she is to blame for our interactions too but not as much as me.
 
#7 ·
Thank you, some of it is similar. Im afraid I posted in wrong section as it should be separation, as only I want to reconcile at this time. How would a 180 work for me, I think being respectful to my wife, and communicating more would be a 180. How would it be possible to have no contact anyway with a 12 year old that goes back and forth. My wife and kid also take a tkd class on nights she is with me and so we can see each other 4 times a week. We also email, sometimes for logistics but she has emailed me with funny links she thinks I will like and we have talked about movies and such, the way we did when we first met. Isnt the contact a good thing, a way to reconnect and start over. We were together for a long time so it could take a long time if we do reconcile. I know my wife is hurting, she has told me she is down. hasn't slept well, she truly wants to heal and I do believe her when she says she is open to something in the future. She really doesn't trust that I can change becaused of all the promises in the past, so it will take time for her to believe.
 
#8 ·
Thank you, some of it is similar. Im afraid I posted in wrong section as it should be separation, as only I want to reconcile at this time. How would a 180 work for me, I think being respectful to my wife, and communicating more would be a 180. How would it be possible to have no contact anyway with a 12 year old that goes back and forth. My wife and kid also take a tkd class on nights she is with me and so we can see each other 4 times a week. We also email, sometimes for logistics but she has emailed me with funny links she thinks I will like and we have talked about movies and such, the way we did when we first met. Isnt the contact a good thing, a way to reconnect and start over. We were together for a long time so it could take a long time if we do reconcile. I know my wife is hurting, she has told me she is down. hasn't slept well, she truly wants to heal and I do believe her when she says she is open to something in the future. She really doesn't trust that I can change because of all the promises in the past, so it will take time for her to believe.
 
#9 ·
The biggest thing is day one found a good counselor. It sounds like your wife isn't as far gone as day ones wife was.

You need to find a counselor for what causes your anger and depression with help for your drinking. Also joining a gym and sticking with it shows you can change. You have to be confident in your therapist too. If your not clicking with him find another.

Are you allowed to date your wife?
 
#11 ·
I think she is pretty far gone. I am happy with my therapist and do know what most of the problems stem from, the drinking thing is funny, it feels as if something turned off inside of me and I don't think I will go back, im not being naïve as I know it will be a process for the rest of my life but im confident. My wife is not currently in therapy, I believe she is at the point where she thinks shes doing the right thing, but my behavior changes might be making it difficult for her and now maybe she feels guilty and conflicted. She thought I would react like I used to, being angry, maybe worse than usual. I think being loving to her is making it harder for her. For me to be loving and respectful during the hardest part of my marriage is a 180 and I think she sees this but is still not trusting it. She knows im not drinking, she knows im now seeing a therapist after never wanting to and she sees how im treating her better, all these things are big changes, I just think it needs more time. We have hung out as a family with my daughter on a few occasions, but I have become to pushy and needy as far as wanting her to work with me and so she now is probably reluctant to spend time with me, I think it needs more time and so I wont ask her, I think it has to come from her next. Her wanting to do something together or asking me to her place is a victory I am shooting for at this time. Thank you so much for your responses, it really does help.
 
#12 ·
I don't have a link on this tablet but google "the healing heart 180". Read it carefully. It will help you detach and can have rpthe effect of drawing a wife back in. She sees you being independent and starts wanting what she can't have.

It is totally going to backfire if you chase her. Get the mmslp book linked to below and it will explain the whole thing.

Are you working out?

Have you checked to see if there is someone else?
 
#13 ·
The Sixteen Commandments Of Poon
I. Never say ‘I Love You’ first

Women want to feel like they have to overcome obstacles to win a man’s heart. They crave the challenge of capturing the interest of a man who has other women competing for his attention, and eventually prevailing over his grudging reluctance to award his committed exclusivity. The man who gives his emotional world away too easily robs women of the satisfaction of earning his love. Though you may be in love with her, don’t say it before she has said it. Show compassionate restraint for her need to struggle toward yin fulfillment. Inspire her to take the leap for you, and she’ll return the favor a thousandfold.

II. Make her jealous

Flirt with other women in front of her. Do not dissuade other women from flirting with you. Women will never admit this but jealousy excites them. The thought of you turning on another woman will arouse her sexually. No girl wants a man that no other woman wants. The partner who harnesses the gale storm of jealousy controls the direction of the relationship.

III. You shall make your mission, not your woman, your priority

Forget all those romantic cliches of the leading man proclaiming his undying love for the woman who completes him. Despite whatever protestations to the contrary, women do not want to be “The One” or the center of a man’s existence. They in fact want to subordinate themselves to a worthy man’s life purpose, to help him achieve that purpose with their feminine support, and to follow the path he lays out. You must respect a woman’s integrity and not lie to her that she is “your everything”. She is not your everything, and if she is, she will soon not be anymore.

IV. Don’t play by her rules

If you allow a woman to make the rules she will resent you with a seething contempt even a rapist cannot inspire. The strongest woman and the most strident feminist wants to be led by, and to submit to, a more powerful man. Polarity is the core of a healthy loving relationship. She does not want the prerogative to walk all over you with her capricious demands and mercurial moods. Her emotions are a hurricane, her soul a saboteur. Think of yourself as a bulwark against her tempest. When she grasps for a pillar to steady herself against the whipping winds or yearns for an authority figure to foil her worst instincts, it is you who has to be there… strong, solid, unshakeable and immovable.

V. Adhere to the golden ratio

Give your woman 2/3 of everything she gives you. For every three calls or texts, give her two back. Three declarations of love earn two in return. Three gifts; two nights out. Give her two displays of affection and stop until she has answered with three more. When she speaks, you reply with fewer words. When she emotes, you emote less. The idea behind the golden ratio is twofold — it establishes your greater value by making her chase you, and it demonstrates that you have the self-restraint to avoid getting swept up in her personal dramas. Refraining from reciprocating everything she does for you in equal measure instills in her the proper attitude of belief in your higher status. In her deepest loins it is what she truly wants.

VI. Keep her guessing

True to their inscrutable natures, women ask questions they don’t really want direct answers to. Woe be the man who plays it straight — his fate is the suffering of the beta. Evade, tease, obfuscate. She thrives when she has to imagine what you’re thinking about her, and withers when she knows exactly how you feel. A woman may want financial and family security, but she does not want passion security. In the same manner, when she has displeased you, punish swiftly, but when she has done you right, reward slowly. Reward her good behavior intermittently and unpredictably and she will never tire of working hard to please you.

VII. Always keep two in the kitty

Never allow yourself to be a “kept man”. A man with options is a man without need. It builds confidence and encourages boldness with women if there is another woman, a safety net, to catch you in case you slip and risk a breakup, divorce, or a lost prospect, leading to loneliness and a grinding dry spell. A woman knows once she has slept with a man she has abdicated a measure of her power; when she has fallen in love with him she has surrendered nearly all of it. But love is ephemeral and with time she may rediscover her power and threaten to leave you. It is her final trump card. Withdrawing all her love and all her body in an instant will rend your soul if you are faced with contemplating the empty abyss alone. Knowing there is another you can turn to for affection will fortify your will and satisfy your manhood.

VIII. Say you’re sorry only when absolutely necessary

Do not say you’re sorry for every wrong thing you do. It is a posture of submission that no man should reflexively adopt, no matter how alpha he is. Apologizing increases the demand for more apologies. She will come to expect your contrition, like a cat expects its meal at a set time each day. And then your value will lower in her eyes. Instead, if you have done something wrong, you should acknowledge your guilt in a glancing way without resorting to the actual words “I’m sorry.” Pull the Bill Clinton maneuver and say “Mistakes were made” or tell her you “feel bad” about what you did. You are granted two freebie “I’m sorry”s for the life of your relationship; use them wisely.

IX. Connect with her emotions

Set yourself apart from other men and connect with a woman’s emotional landscape. Her mind is an alien world that requires deft navigation to reach your rendevous. Frolic in the surf of emotions rather than the arid desert of logic. Be playful. Employ all your senses. Describe in lush detail scenarios to set her heart afire. Give your feelings freedom to roam. ROAM. Yes, that is a good word. You’re not on a linear path with her. You are ROAMING all over, taking her on an adventure. In this world, there is no need to finish thoughts or draw conclusions. There is only need to EXPERIENCE. You’re grabbing her hand and running with her down an infinite, labyrinthine alleyway with no end, laughing and letting your fingers glide on the cobblestone walls along the way.

X. Ignore her beauty

The man who trains his mind to subdue the reward centers of his brain when reflecting upon a beautiful female face will magically transform his interactions with women. His apprehension and self-consciousness will melt away, paving the path for more honest and self-possessed interactions with the objects of his desire. This is one reason why the greatest lotharios drown in more love than they can handle — through positive experiences with so many beautiful women they lose their awe of beauty and, in turn, their powerlessness under its spell. It will help you acquire the right frame of mind to stop using the words hot, cute, gorgeous, or beautiful to describe girls who turn you on. Instead, say to yourself “she’s interesting” or “she might be worth getting to know”. Never compliment a girl on her looks, especially not a girl you aren’t ****ing. Turn off that part of your brain that wants to put them on pedestals. Further advanced training to reach this state of unawed Zen transcendence is to sleep with many MANY attractive women (try to avoid sleeping with a lot of ugly women if you don’t want to regress). Soon, a Jedi lover you will be.

XI. Be irrationally self-confident

No matter what your station in life, stride through the world without apology or excuse. It does not matter if objectively you are not the best man a woman can get; what matters is that you think and act like you are. Women have a dog’s instinct for uncovering weakness in men; don’t make it easy for them. Self-confidence, warranted or not, triggers submissive emotional responses in women. Irrational self-confidence will get you more ***** than rational defeatism.

XII. Maximize your strengths, minimize your weaknesses

In the betterment of ourselves as men we attract women into our orbit. To accomplish this gravitational pull as painlessly and efficiently as possible, you must identify your natural talents and shortcomings and parcel your efforts accordingly. If you are a gifted jokester, don’t waste time and energy trying to raise your status in philosophical debate. If you write well but dance poorly, don’t kill yourself trying to expand your manly influence on the dancefloor. Your goal should be to attract women effortlessly, so play to your strengths no matter what they are; there is a groupie for every male endeavor. Except World of Warcraft.

XIII. Err on the side of too much boldness, rather than too little

Touching a woman inappropriately on the first date will get you further with her than not touching her at all. Don’t let a woman’s faux indignation at your boldness sway you; they secretly love it when a man aggressively pursues what he wants and makes his sexual intentions known. You don’t have to be an *******, but if you have no choice, being an inconsiderate ******* beats being a polite beta, every time.

XIV. **** her good

**** her like it’s your last ****. And hers. **** her so good, so hard, so wantonly, so profligately that she is left a quivering, sparking mass of shaking flesh and sex fluids. Drain her of everything, then drain her some more. Kiss her all over, make love to her all night, and hold her close in the morning. Own her body, own her gratitude, own her love. If you don’t know how, learn to give her squirting orgasms.

XV. Maintain your state control

You are an oak tree. You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, **** tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips. She will rain and thunder all around you and you will shelter her until her storm passes. She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you. When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.

XVI. Never be afraid to lose her

You must not fear. Fear is the love-killer. Fear is the ego-triumph that brings abject loneliness. You will face your fear. You will permit it to pass over and through you. And when your ego-fear is gone you will turn and face your lover, and only your heart will remain. You will walk away from her when she has violated your integrity, and you will let her walk when her heart is closed to you. She who can destroy you, controls you. Don’t give her that power over yourself. Love yourself before you love her.

***

The closer you follow the letter of these commandments, the easier you will find and keep real, true unconditional love and happiness in your life.

Best,

Your Lord and King
 
#14 · (Edited)
Did you read day one's whole thread?

You need to encourage your wife to get therapy too. Tell her how well its working for you and you believe it would help her to no matter what happens to the two of you in the future. If she felt she had to leave she no doubt has issues that needs worked out.
 
#15 ·
So this morning when wife came to pick up the kid we were friendly, she borrowed a mouse trap and when she left my car wouldnt start, had to call her and ask her to come back to drive me to therapy appt. I walked to work where i am now but she is going to the house to feed the dog because i dont have a car now. She still has house key, should I ask for it back, I dont even know her address, and i am 100% sure she is not with anyone. Also she has the new car we bought last year, what should I do about this. As per her request we will be doing a legal seperation soon, and can deal with car issues then. I get a lot of the 180, but i dont get how to reconect with her if the contact is only about finances and the child. Should i let her do favors for me like taking care of the dog and drive me or should i suck it up and figure something else out.
 
#16 ·
Look how day one did it.

The first thing you have to realize is that a big majority of separations lead to divorce. If you can win her back you have to avoid being needy and work on yourself.

Working on yourself is a win win. If you get back with your wife you will be a better partner. If you end up with someone else you will be a better partner.

Are you saying she refuses to go out on a date with you up to this point. Or is she just saying someday you can be friends?

Has she given you the .........I love you but I'm not in love with you speech?
 
#17 ·
when she first left she said i love you, i will always love you, and i will miss you, but i now believe you cant give me what i need which is a deeper emotional life, etc what i said in my first post. When i was needy earlier on she said i need to take it back several notches and what she needs now is to be just friends. So no she doesnt want to date, not even hang out, should i ask her or will this push her away.
 
#22 ·
I realize it takes two, but the seperation is mostly due to my behavior, so dont I have to show my wife I am changing, Dont interactions where im respectful show this. The m is dead, so isnt getting along with her now the start of something new maybe. I know she misses me as she initiates contace with me. There is no om now, there could be one day, but I know my wife and she wants to be by herself right now. I was selfish for a long time and she needs to be now.
 
#23 ·
Stuart, welcome and also sorry that you're here. The advice i have to give you is to NOT think about reconciliation.

But don't panic. I'm not saying there isn't a chance of "R", but for right now, you have to focus on you. Not her, not "us". You.

By your own admission you have made a mess of it. Not judging, god knows i'm in the same place. But now is the time for you to work on the why and the what. Give her her space, she needs it.

Get into counselling, work through your issues. If you're serious about it, and you are prepared to work your a$$ off, you'll change. For the better. No matter if you end up with her or alone, you'll be a better man for the work you put in.

But, if and when you change, improve, don't make the mistake of telling her you've changed. At this point she won't believe your words, only your actions. Let her see it, believe in it, trust in it.

Right now her shields are up, protecting herself. You won't force your way back through them. You have to wait, until she feels safe enough to slowly let them down. And expect them to go up and down for a long time after that.

Spend that time wisely. Get the self help books for men, "No More Mr Nice Guy" and "Hold on to your N.U.T.s". Get to the gym (if you don't already), it's a great stress reliever and distraction as well as improving you physically and emotionally. See a counsellor. Write down how you are feeling, what you're going through. And spend time here.

A word of warning though. There are a lot of good, honest, helpful people on TAM. Seek them out. But there also a lot of "burn victims", of both genders, who may give you less than helpful 'advice'. Learn which is which.

I wish you the best of luck. D1
 
#24 ·
I am in counseljng now for my issues and my wife knows it I have also stopped drinking which was a problem. My wife said she knows i am doing good work, but she still needs the legal seperation to feel safe, as she doesnt yet trust these changes as I have promised many times I would change in the past. I will only show changes by my actions now and this is what is confusing me. In the past I have been too selfish and so doesnt contact with her allow her to see I am changing, to show I care about her needs. I am giving her space and she said I have been good regarding this, but because of the child and finances we still are in contact a lot. She also works full time, I worked around her schedule and so we are helping each other with the logistics. Why though is showing an interest in her day, work, hobbies bad if it is something I didnt do before then it is a 180 to be interested and caring. I am letting her make the initial contact eve though on my own I am not really moving on as well as I should. She expected me to react differently to act differently to her leaving, be very angry and controlling, but I have been loving, I was needy but have stopped, and I think she is conflicted.
 
#25 ·
I am in counselling now for my issues and my wife knows it I have also stopped drinking which was a problem. My wife said she knows i am doing good work, but she still needs the legal separation to feel safe, as she doesn't yet trust these changes as I have promised many times I would change in the past. I will only show changes by my actions now and this is what is confusing me. In the past I have been too selfish and so doesn't contact with her allow her to see I am changing, to show I care about her needs. I am giving her space and she said I have been good regarding this, but because of the child and finances we still are in contact a lot. She also works full time, I worked around her schedule and so we are helping each other with the logistics. Why though is showing an interest in her day, work, hobbies bad if it is something I didn't do before then it is a 180 to be interested and caring. I am letting her make the initial contact eve though on my own I am not really moving on as well as I should. She expected me to react differently to act differently to her leaving, be very angry and controlling, but I have been loving, I was needy but have stopped, and I think she is conflicted.
Have a think about that. It's exactly what I and others have mentioned. She won't trust your words, only your actions. And if you've "promised many times to change" in the past, and then let her down over and over again, the chances of her believing that "this time it'll be different" are greatly reduced.

Again, not judging. I've been there. I've made the same mistakes. As have many others here. Men and Women.

And it's not promise you should make. Not to her, and not to yourself. Commit to DOING it, yes, but don't make promises you may not be able to meet.

I don't know your situation, or how you interact with your Wife, but my suggestion is this: Sit her down, explain to her that you "are not willing to give up on us", but that you need some time to focus on working on yourself. That you're not pulling away from her, but that you're pulling towards yourself. That you both need time to heal and work on your issues.

NC, as mentioned previously, isn't appropriate when there are kids involved. So find a modified LC that works for you, and her. To be honest, NC was almost the final nail in our coffin at the beginning.

Accept that, right now, you're not a Husband, to her. Be there for the kids. Love the kids. And love yourself. Give her the space she needs to get her head straight. Don't crowd, don't beg, don't be needy (even if you say you have stopped).

You won't "win her back". She has to decide that you're worth being with again. Focus solely on yourself (and the kids). Be better. Grow.

And, although this may not be the best way of thinking about it, if she doesn't see you, talk to you so often, the times that she does between intervals will (hopefully) see you improve a bit further each time. She will see it, as long as you stay the course.
 
#27 ·
I am definitely committed to change, and to do it for myself, it is a long time coming. The interactions with my wife now are friendly, calm weather its about the child, money or just chit-chat. In some ways it feels like we are building something new, but it could be just wishful thinking on my part. We have said we would be there to support each other when needed, I watched the kid on a day she was supposed to but couldn't because of work for example. As for favors I let her do things for me, she liked to, but I probably relied on her too much.
 
#29 ·
Stop it. Seriously. Stop trying to "re-attract" her, to win her back. Stop thinking about her, and what she needs. It really doesn't work that way.

Sort yourself out. Fix your own issues. Own what you have done, resolve to better yourself. She WILL see it. Then see what happens.

We (Mrs and I) made the same mistakes. We kept going to MC, trying to fix the marriage. The marriage wasn't the issue, it was our own selves. Now we've figured that out, and are doing working on our own individual issues, the marriage is healing itself.
 
#31 ·
At this point i am just trying to figure out how to intreact with her since we do have contact because of the child, the house and finances. I am letting her initiate the contact and am no longer trying to convince her of anything. I am not promising, apologizing, or talking about myself, I am just listening. She had said at one point that it would have to be a new beginning, and so why can't that start now.
 
#39 ·
At this point i am just trying to figure out how to interact with her since we do have contact because of the child, the house and finances.
As a similar wife who would like to separate because of my H's negativity, if I did leave, I would want to see you being respectful, NEVER blaming me for anything (unless I was out and out wrong), telling me what you're learning in therapy, showing me what you're learning by doing things differently in all aspects of your life (you can tell me of examples), asking occasionally for the chance to have lunch (once a month or so) so you could show me the new you, asking me to fill out a Love Buster questionnaire so I can be specific about what it was that you did that drove me away and so you can start working on removing ALL those bad habits, and finally, talking to me like a FRIEND. Not someone you want to screw or get back, but a real, live person who you treat with as much respect as you do your guy friends. What I mean by that is that I can guarantee that you didn't chew out your friends, you didn't call them names, you didn't criticize them or blame things on them - you showed them respect in order to keep their friendship; I'd want to see the same thing from you.
 
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